In Memoriam by Michel J. Duthin - Short - A young man decides to share one last night with his girlfriend-- on her grave. 6 pages - pdf, format

Great story.

SPOILERS

It has a rough start, but the end makes it all worth it.

I didn't like the opening line. "I loved her so bad" was corny to me. A simple "I loved her" can be just as powerful.

I also didn't like the line "A few persons were there." This is a young couple, so he would probably just say "people." Don't overdo it. I had to read it over again because it didn't feel natural to me.

Pages 3 - 6 are really the meat of the story, and you wrote it beautifully. It felt to me that the deceased don't always go to a better place like eulogies lead us to believe. All the deceased have in the end is their conscience, and in this case, everyone is full of mistakes and regret. It's a nice twist.

I guess my criticism would be to go back and write the opening dialogue differently. His dialogue seems robotic. If this is a guy dealing with tragedy, we have to believe it.

Otherwise, great short. I really enjoyed it.

Michel,

I really liked this one. One of the best ones I've read from you, I think. Aubrey was good too.

I liked the idea that once somebody dies only nice things are said about them (most of the time). Even childmolesters and murderers seem to have positive things about them on their headstones, so it was interesting to read the truth about them.

I do agree with sham about the cheesy lines, but knowing that English is not your native language it didn't bother me at all.

Good job!!  

Hey Michel, I liked this but the beginning didn't seem to fit the ending.

I really didn't see the story shifting to its conclusion.  To be honest I wasn't sure where you were going with the story and then it decended into a very dark tale and I liked it.

I'm not entirely sure what the bodies rising up signified other than to inform Thomas about Chandra's fate and I guess make him feel betrayed, he logs for his lover, a lover that never loved him back as much.  Touching ending.

Michel;

Yeah, this is good. I liked the fact that for once the dead actually had something positive to do other than chase down young women to chew on thier brains.

This has a very dark and gothic feel to it, in fact it could be even creepier set in the 1800's...Has that kind of Frankenstien-esque/Mary Shelley quality. I think its the gravediggers coming in with the shovels that sets that mood. Can almost hear the hounds howling in the distance here!

What do they write with? Assume they are using thier boney fingers to etch in the stone. The scene with all the dead rising to deal with the truth is a great visual.

I felt sorry for Thom at the end. It seems sad that his idealized love had to be shattered by the truth, but, that often is the case.

Good job!

Sham
thank you for your advice. I'll surely rewrite the dialogue and dig deeper.

Pia
Always a pleasure reading from you.

Alffy
I tried to slip from one genre to another to make the second one more surprising. Believe me, I knew where I was going.

Blakkwolfe
Glad you liked it and I do hope you found it more readable than "Incantations". Yes, it was very tempting to set the story in the 1800's but I found it quite cliché and most of all-- cheaper to shoot.

Anyway, thanks to you. Glad I entertained you all.

Michel

Interesting. The beginning could use some revamping. I found it to be in a jarring stark contrast to the actual meat of the story. When he leaves the country and then comes right back. I found myself saying "where did he go?" Turns out that it was a helluva way to just show that the pain made him run away. Seems a little much.

Maybe focus a little more on him missing her. Maybe snippets of different situations, say like, insomnia while showing that he sleeps on his side of the bed, unable to accept that he is the only one there.

The cemetary part is original, maybe a little rough but still good. Quick clarification: are the corpses magically erasing the engraving or are they scratching it out and writing the new message underneath.

All in all, nice job and fresh take on the dead. Good show.

Hi Souter Fall,

Thank you for your comment. i'm now aware the begining of the story is not as romantic as I tried to express. I tried  to be as shorter as possible to show his pain.

Quoted from Souter Fell are the corpses magically erasing the engraving or are they scratching it out and writing the new message underneath?

I thought I was clear enough when I wrote:

"The dead man picks up a stone and proceeds to erase the inscription. Then, just below, he starts to write something."

Thank again

Michel

Hi Michel,

This was eerie.  

Like another reader said, it reminded me of the early 60's horror, Frankenstein...
or similar to a Poe-ish tale.

I did find a type o... when the dead woman shows herself, and a third of "his" face is gone.

If you do a rewrite, I'd like to read it again. To make it even creepier, you might want to add some rolling fog at the cemetery???

I did enjoy this one.  

Cindy

I liked this one a lot. The theme is very clever and unfortunately, probably true to life. That's not to say all dead people are murderers and pedophiles but it's true that the memories of the dead are embelished on a regular basis. Anyway, an interesting twist on the story being told as well as a twist on the horror genre in general.

The scene numbers were a little distracting. Normally, this isn't the case, even though scene numbers should be avoided for spec scripts. Here, they were a little harder to ignore since they appeared on both sides of the page. You can also lose the insert of the airport. Thomas says he left his country so it's an unneccesary visual. It'd also make the script easier to produce for cheap without a secondary location.

Also, I don't understand how Chandra could alter her epitaph if her grave's being dug up. I wasn't sure what the point of the grave diggers was at all, other than to get Thomas to scat. They could've easily been cops or a caretaker or something. I think digging up Chandra's grave just makes things more complicated.

Anyway, that's about all I have to say on this one. I really enjoyed it.

Hi James and Cindy

thank you for your reading. After everyone's comments, I inform you that a second draft is on its way. I didn't change a lot but tried to clarify several points.

Michel

I'm with the others. the begining was a bit sketchy, but the ending made up for it. Also, some of the dialogue was a bit corny. Other than that, an enjoyable read. I'd say a B-. Good work.

~Zack~

Thanks Zack,

as I said before the second draft is on its way. Hope it'll be better.

Michel

Hey Michel,

Long time since I've read one of your scripts. This short was interesting about what you reveal. Thomas' arc was done well. Very sad for him. But what happened to the grave diggers?  

Hope this helps,
Gabe

Hi Gabe,

thank you for your comment. It truly was long time.

About the gravediggers, in my mind, there were here to dig a fresh hole for  funerals the day after. I know nowadays they rather would take a bulldozer to dig it but two men would be cheaper (lol) and it adds a 1800/1900 spirit.

Michel

Hey Michel,

Thought this was an interesting concept and I enjoyed the read.  

You do exceptionally well with English but sometimes your phrasing, especially in dialogue, is a bit clumsy.  I can tell this is a translation thing because if I imagine it in French it is quite fluid.

I think you mean epitaph rather than eulogy to describe the words on a headstone.

I also wondered what happened to the grave diggers.

My biggest question is why are the dead rising?  I think this should be connected to Thomas in some way. Perhaps he wishes it into being.  

Thnks mcornetto for your comments

Quoted from mcornetto I think you mean epitaph rather than eulogy to describe the words on a headstone.

In fact I corrected it on the new draft now available.

Quoted from mcornetto My biggest question is why are the dead rising?  I think this should be connected to Thomas in some way. Perhaps he wishes it into being.

You have two solutions available:
- the dead are rising because one living in among us during that night and they want to show him the truth about themselves.
- all this happens in Thomas's head as he was trying before to hide to himself the truth about Chandra's cheating

Or there's no reason???


Michel

I uploaded a rewrite some times ago.

In the same vein than Seven Deadly Sins "The Portrait".

Michel

Uau, amazing. Great concept, great story.

Quoted from FDiogo Uau, amazing. Great concept, great story.

Thank you FDiogo. Glad you liked it.

I tried to take into consideration every reviews made before. I have to admit it works better that way.

Michel

Hey Michel, cool dog

Now onto the script. I liked this one. Really didn't know where it was going... And I was pleasantly surprised with the path this one took. At first I thought you were going down the cliched, sentimental road. I liked the u-turn this one took.

The writing was very good, considering English isn't your first language. However, one bit of writing which stood out as sounding a bit odd was: "I won’t tell you about our story. No. Love always has the same."

I think it would sound a bit better as: "I won’t tell you about our story. No. Love always has the same outcome." In your version, something is missing at the end of the sentence...

Also, I didn't like that Thomas doesn't know how Chandra died... I think it would be better if he said: "And then, she died. How? (a beat) Hit and run. She was run over and the driver didn't even bother to stop." Personally, I believe this would make the end (when Thomas learns what she was doing when she was killed) more satisfying.

But yeah, overall I liked this one. Nice work Michel

Toby.

Hi Toby
Thank you for your review. I do like this one too. I like to lead the reader to another direction than the one he thinks he's going.

Quoted from Toby_E I didn't like that Thomas doesn't know how Chandra died...

Thomas DOES know how Chandra has died, but he is in complete deny. He doesn't want to remember. It happens all the time when you loose someone you love.

In fact, maybe he does know what it had really happened... How she really died and why. But he's been blinded by his love for her. Who knows?... Always keep a part of mystery. I like when the reader still wonder about the story when he's finished.

Michel

Michel J. Duthin
1961 - 2012
PROLIFIC SCREENWRITER, WRITES EVERYDAY
WRITES FROM THE HEART, DOESN'T CARE FOR THE PAY
AND ONE DAY, HE'LL BE ABLE TO KEEP THE CRITICS AWAY

*SCRATCHED OVER*

MY LORD THIS IS A FANASTIC PLAY
SADLY, IT'S UTTERLY GAY

charming man

What is this all about? Did someone die?

E.D.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer What is this all about?

Charming Man
Thinks he is witty
But as a reviewer
Kind of shitty

Quoted from bert Charming Man Thinks he is witty But as a reviewer Kind of shitty

Ahhh, thanks for the heads up, pal.
I keep a bag of dicks in the spare fridge for such occasions.

E.D.