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Zigwart (currently 2825 views) |
Don |
Posted: November 4th, 2007, 3:05pm |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16449 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
Zigwart by Elisabeth Dubois - Short, Fantasy - A leprechaun's tale. 2 pages - pdf, format |
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------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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Mr.Ripley |
Posted: November 4th, 2007, 11:59pm |
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January Project Group Writing
LocationNew York Posts1979 Posts Per Day 0.30 |
Hey,
SPOILERS!
This is the second time reading a tooth fairy type of a story. But sadly it wasn't much of a story but a scene more like it, in IMO. This was probably for a contest with certain parameters but I would like to know more about this tale such as how did the lepercuan get the tooth. I would admit though for a two page script that it was funny especially with the lepercuan cursing the giant.
Hope this helps, Gabe |
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Reply: 1 - 18 |
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elis |
Posted: November 5th, 2007, 2:38am |
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New I'm back :)
LocationBrisbane, Queensland, Australia Posts293 Posts Per Day 0.05 |
Thanks for the feedback, Mr Ripley. No it wasn't for any type of contest, just a crazy thought. I intend to make this a longer script. Placed it here for a quick read and feedback; this will allow me to judge whether it deserves a longer script. Thanks for the read. |
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Reply: 2 - 18 |
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mcornetto |
Posted: November 5th, 2007, 4:28am |
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Guest User
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Elisabeth,
It never ceases to amaze me that you always have a fairy tale to tell. This one was nicely original and cute. Expand it, lose the dream, and give Zigwart a rip-roaring adventure. |
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Reply: 3 - 18 |
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elis |
Posted: November 5th, 2007, 12:17pm |
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New I'm back :)
LocationBrisbane, Queensland, Australia Posts293 Posts Per Day 0.05 |
Thanks for the feedback Michael, I thinks that's a good idea. I can create a whole little series on Zigwart and his adventures. What do you think? |
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Reply: 4 - 18 |
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alffy |
Posted: November 5th, 2007, 4:51pm |
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Old Timer
LocationThe bleak North East, England Posts2187 Posts Per Day 0.33 |
Hey elis, I was drawn to the strange name of this script.
I enjoyed it but it felt incomplete. The beginning was great with Zigwart and the giant, and although his dog waking him up was lead to the ending of 'it was a dream', I was left wondering what it was really about? The dream of getting a big gold tooth? I good effort but I wanted a bit more. Look forward to the series then. |
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Reply: 5 - 18 |
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Blakkwolfe |
Posted: November 5th, 2007, 6:05pm |
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Been Around
LocationFlorida, USA Posts706 Posts Per Day 0.12 |
This was a variation on the marshmallow joke...
I dreamed last night I ate a giant marshmallow, and in the morning, my pillow was gone!
Very cute, and would like to see more of this fiesty little guy... |
| Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently - Dove Chocolate Wrapper |
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Reply: 6 - 18 |
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Hoody |
Posted: November 5th, 2007, 6:19pm |
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New
LocationCanada, eh. Posts90 Posts Per Day 0.01 |
Just read this. Very good and funny short. Like allfy, the name of the script really drew me.
The first letters of "gold" and "keepers" don't need to be capitalized...unless I missed something that means they should.
But other than that small detail, a very good short.
I would like to see some of Zigwarts other adventures. Preferably longer next time.
Good job. |
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Reply: 7 - 18 |
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tomson |
Posted: November 5th, 2007, 9:36pm |
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Elis,
I liked this until I found out it was just a dream. I think you do fairy tale stories real well. I for one would like to see this longer than one page and a few lines. Why not have Zigwart and Kito go on some big adventure and run into the giant. I think you could make that into a fun enjoyable ride.
Pia |
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Reply: 8 - 18 |
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KyMalairn97 |
Posted: November 5th, 2007, 11:43pm |
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Elisabeth,
Interesting premise. The old screenwriting rule is that you start a scene late and leave it early. I think you took that advice too firmly to heart here. How did he get the tooth? What unpleasantness did he have to endure, being in a giant's mouth long enough to pull a tooth and all? I think there is a mine of interesting possibilities open to you prior to this scene.
Definitely build upon it... and build backwards. It'd be interesting to see what got us here. I do agree with a previous poster, lose the dream.
Hope I was helpful.
Pete |
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Reply: 9 - 18 |
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elis |
Posted: November 7th, 2007, 11:24am |
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New I'm back :)
LocationBrisbane, Queensland, Australia Posts293 Posts Per Day 0.05 |
KyMalairn97, Blakkwolfe, alffy, pia and hoody, Thank you all for the feedback. a dream - in such a small script - justifies not placing the extra information that led to the tooth extraction. Dropping the dream in a longer version is a good idea. I'll rewrite and and resubmit at a later date. Thanks again all, your input is always precious. |
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Reply: 10 - 18 |
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dogglebe |
Posted: November 7th, 2007, 11:43am |
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The only problem with this script is that it was rushed, and rushed i an almost obscene way. I wonder how many people actually gave any thought where leprechauns got their gold and you came up with a very original answer to it.
You should rewrite this, if possible, into a feature length script. You can do a lot with it.
Phil |
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Reply: 11 - 18 |
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elis |
Posted: November 7th, 2007, 10:26pm |
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New I'm back :)
LocationBrisbane, Queensland, Australia Posts293 Posts Per Day 0.05 |
Thanks Phil, It was a zany idea and it has grown on me. A rewrite is a must and if it calls for a feature, then so be it. Will sit and give it some serious thought. |
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Reply: 12 - 18 |
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mgj |
Posted: November 10th, 2007, 5:49pm |
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LocationBritish Columbia, Canada Posts253 Posts Per Day 0.04 |
Tough to comment on a story so short but I'll try. I like these fantasy tales anyway.
The line 'You're breath reeks' somehow doesn't ring true to me. If a giant was trying to eat me I think I'd have other concerns than the state of his breath. I only mention this because it weakens the dramatic component of your story - makes it seem like he wasn't in any real danger.
I'd say for a story like this just about anything is fair game to be exploited for a laugh, just makes sure to treat the actual adventure itself seriously.
Hope I'm not sounding too preachy. I enjoyed it. |
| "If at first, the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it." - Albert Einstein |
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Reply: 13 - 18 |
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elis |
Posted: November 11th, 2007, 1:51am |
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New I'm back :)
LocationBrisbane, Queensland, Australia Posts293 Posts Per Day 0.05 |
Hope I'm not sounding too preachy. I enjoyed it.
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Not at all mgj. All feedback is appreciated and take all comments onboard. Thank you for the read mgj |
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Reply: 14 - 18 |
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Dr. McPhearson |
Posted: February 2nd, 2008, 3:19pm |
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New
Posts76 Posts Per Day 0.01 |
After reading it, which took all of fifteen seconds, I am having difficulty pointing out errors. That's not to say that it is perfect, but rather, it is TOO short to judge. Personally, this read to me like a really cheesy IAMs dog food commercial, with the protagonist being a foul-mouthed leprechaun, and the dream sequence not truly meshing with anything other than the "Eat me?" line.
Please, do us the favor, and expand with this character. I want to see what sort of development you give him. Unfortunately, I just can't see where you're going with such an odd, short script. |
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Reply: 15 - 18 |
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elis |
Posted: February 2nd, 2008, 8:01pm |
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New I'm back :)
LocationBrisbane, Queensland, Australia Posts293 Posts Per Day 0.05 |
Thanks for the read, Dr. McPhearson, True, It's over and done with very quickly. This was one of those in between writing shorts A de-stress excersize, you might say, lol. I am currently doing a re-write and taking the concept much further; I'll post an update soon. Thanks again. |
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Reply: 16 - 18 |
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rc1107 |
Posted: February 7th, 2008, 12:53am |
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Old Timer
LocationYoungstown Posts1241 Posts Per Day 0.20 |
Hey Elis,
Lol. The first thing I thought about after reading this was the same marshmallow joke Blakkwolfe had mentioned.
Very cute and clever little story here. It put a smile on my face and a good feeling in my stomach for the day.
Welp, I have to go read somebody's story about getting a body limb chopped off with an unusual weapon, now. :-)
I'll see you around.
- Mark |
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elis |
Posted: February 8th, 2008, 8:32am |
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New I'm back :)
LocationBrisbane, Queensland, Australia Posts293 Posts Per Day 0.05 |
Cheers Mark Glad it made your day! Thanks for the read |
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Reply: 18 - 18 |
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