hey, just read it, here are my notes:

i think dennis' assignment should be handed down first.  it would set the precedent, and everyone could react to him getting lucky, then when clive gets his assignment, everyone would react that he got screwed.  i also don't think clive should talk so much while he's working.  it will come across that he's frustrated by his actions and expressions, so there's no need to comment on it because right now it feels like he's doing it only for our sake to let us know how he feels.  i'm not saying all of the dialogue, like when he talks to the dog, that's necessary, but like when he says stuff like "time to get out of this shithole" on page 7.  or like on page 10, when he delivers one gift and says "is that it?"  it will come across that it's abnormal that there's only gift, because he delivered multiple to the other places, especially if clive has a confused look on his face.  i just feel you should trust your action more.
i'm sorted of conflicted about the snow angel on page 9.  while i think it's cute, considering his mood, i think it feels inappropriate because he's supposed to be angry and frustrated.  i think the biggest problem for though is there is not a great deal of conflict, and there is not a complete focus.  adam is such a happy go lucky kid, that santa playing with him really doesn't change a lot, and in general, nothing really has changed.  it would be more effective i think if adam is a sad kid, and santa comes and brightens up his day.  like in 'bad santa', billy bob thornton doesnt care about anyone, and then comes along that poor little kid, and billy bob cares about him and tries to get him that gift.  i think if clive is somehow redeemed it could work stronger.  i also think you should make dennis do something to show why clive doesnt like him.  like he says 'he's an arse' or something like that, but maybe at the beginning when they take off, dennis could cut him off and laugh or bump his sleigh or do something jerk-like that would make us know why dennis is a jerk

Thanks for the read Cindy.

I can't believe I forgot the 'fade in' lol!

I guess I still need to work on the ending.  Not sure I want to go the way of showing Clive sabotaging Dennis' sleigh or anything like that.  I feel he's just past the point of caring and just wants to finish and go home.  But then again perhaps in the end he could set up Dennis or wake up the family.

Glad you liked the cubes and dust, just wanted something original, not just presents.

Thanks again.

Hey dkw208 thanks for the read.

Yeah I guess Clive does talk to himself a bit, and I can see how that would seem a bit strange.

The snow  angel thing was going to be cut but I left it in for nostalgia purposes, it's something we used to do and found it funny...mind we were usuall tanked up at the time.

You state that maybe the kid should vhange from being sad to happy but I did this with Clive.  He is misserable with the delivery but finds that not everyone on the rough estate is bad.

I like your suggestion about Dennis bumping Clive's sleigh and being down right annoying to him.  Good call.

Antwho thanks for checking this out.

I read the rewrite and I think you improved the script with the additions.

However after reading Cindy's post, I think she might be onto something.

What if Clive does sabotage things? What if he somehow manages to swap assignments with Dennis?  So he gets sent to the posh place and Dennis goes to the downmarket place.  Then Clive would get a just reward for messing with the way things should be.  

Anyhow, just a thought, one I think would really work, but it's just a thought.

Quoted from mcornetto What if Clive does sabotage things? What if he somehow manages to swap assignments with Dennis?  So he gets sent to the posh place and Dennis goes to the downmarket place.  Then Clive would get a just reward for messing with the way things should be.

Thanks for reading this again.  Do you mean switch the characters situations so Clive gets caught in the house?  Hmm maybe, I guess that could work.  It would make the situation of the Santa getting caught more satisfying, if he had cheated his way on the better delivery.  I did touch on this with Dennis getting the easy delivery because he's related to Nick.