Hey Bert,



SPOILERS

I read this one a couple times. As a short I think this one is okay. It didn't seem to scare me much though, and a couple things felt off to me, too.

The things that felt off are...
I was disappointed to learn that Charlie was a bad guy.
Evie's character...
She knew Trevor loved her, but she still wanted him dead so she could have his money, be with the chauffer, and still take care of his daughter...  
Why not just get the daughter out of the way... if she was jealous of her or she was standing in the way of the money???...
and Kate being able to run through the woods.

I liked the part where the glass exploded, and the shards stabbed into Evie's face.
I would have liked to seen more along those lines. Maybe doors slamming shut, furniture moving...
See her powers start from a low point and build to the extreme.  

I think you could make this one into a feature, and make it really creepy.
Do you remember the movie, "Wait Until Dark"?
How the guys terrorized the blind woman in her own apartment.

I think you could reveal the backstory. How Kate's mother died, how Kate ended up with her powers, how Evie ended up with Trevor, and twist all of this into a feature that could be really scary.

Cindy

Hi Cindy.

You are not the only one who thinks more time could be spent with Kate.  I am a fan of that kind of stuff, too, and now I kind of wonder how I got so sidetracked with the murder plot.

I still think Evie's plan is original enough to bring something new to the table, but now I am thinking it also bogs this story down a bit -- or at least pulls it in the wrong direction.

Quoted from Cindy It didn't seem to scare me much though...

You know, despite labeling this one as a horror, I wasn’t really going for scares with this one.  That might have been a misjudgment, too.

Quoted from Cindy I think you could make this one into a feature...

I knew some people would say that, as it is already clocking 25 pages.  I am just not sure the final payoff is strong enough to support a feature.  It still feels like a short to me.
  
I am actually considering trims, mainly with regards to the murder plot, which should make room for more Kate.  I do not want it to become too much longer -- it is already stretched way beyond where I intended -- and these days it seems that anything on the shorts boards longer than 5 pages is already kind of doomed.

But then, maybe I shouldn’t be considering that as an issue, either.

Thanks for the input, Cindy.  Always nice to hear from you.  I am still pondering what I want to do with this one.

Hello, Bert.

You had to know I'd get around to this one sooner or later.  Sooner is better under the circumstances.
I agree with others that this has got to be the story of a little girl with powers.  That is a better sell, if you know what I mean.

Spoilers

B/W video?  Don't think so.  I tripped over that one at the starting gate.  Rethink.
Alternatives: We see the scene as a silhouette or as shadows on a wall.  

The scene, however, made me think of Cronenberg's "Scanners."  That's a very good thing.

-- Although I love the opening scene, as is it works against your story.
The demo should Not involve animating a stuffed animal.  It smacks of what’s to come.  I could see immediately where you were going – the  reanimation of a dead person.

How about Kate moving an object or levitating something?  Something "elementary."  Then as another writer suggested, you gradually raise the level of her powers.

--  You need only show Kate’s power on a low level for now.  Surprise us later as to how she uses the power.

"Spectators?"  Are these people Meghan's colleagues?   You might ID the institution, too.  You also don't identify Meghan by title, such as Doctor.  Keeping this in a shroud of mystery???

I thought Meghan was Kate's stepmom at first.

Meg has a Svengali-like command over the room. “She shoots an icy glare at the handful of spectators.”  On one level, she seems interchangeable with Evie. I'd leave Meghan as is and fix Evie’s character, but more on that later.

Treavor’s first line of dialogue is there for our benefit -  "is she in any danger?"  He should have asked this question waaaaaay back when.
The conversation also lacks some punch.  Perhaps Treavor (Evie) wants to pull Kate out of the experiment.
Might work because Meghan and the experiment never resurface after the opening scene.

By the way, is Kate's gift/curse in anyway genetic?  What if Meghan suggests that "sometimes" psychic powers are hereditary.  She would ask, "Are you...?"  And he might reply, "No.  However, her biological mother... "
See where I'm going with this.  
More on Mom, too.

Meghan says of Kate: "We've never seen one this strong. And she's getting stronger."
Hmm, what if she says that Meghan has powers but in similar case studies, the subject at the height of his/her powers was able to cause objects to fly across a room.

Make us think that Kate will use her powers to send daggers and stuff at her enemy. Lead us away from your true intention.

On P. 2, you tell us Kate is blind.  Show us.  Maybe when the dog jumps her and they roll on the lawn, her sunglasses are knocked off.  We see her eyes…

When Treavor and Kate return home, you might introduce Evie in character.  Such as lurking behind the curtains. Peeking out the window.  But what if she's likeable?  More on this later.

You tell us that Kate is tired after the experiment. Yet when she arrives home, she doesn’t go to her room.  
Instead we see Evie in Kate’s room, boxing photos and carrying on a conversation with Treavor.  
Transition needs Fixing.

And this is why I don’t like Treavor. He allows the wicked stepmom to box photos in his daughter’s room.  He's pitiful.  He's weak.
-- Even Kate defies Evie.  She doesn’t appear to be afraid of her – hmm, you might want to do something about this.

Does Evie believe Kate  has powers? She should address this phenomenon, unless I missed something.

Only luke warm of the scene on P. 7 with Charlie and Evie practically celebrating that they’ve found a dead-ringer for Treavor.  Again, it steals from Kate’s time on screen.

In fact the whole step-by-step murder plot really eats up too much time.  Maybe in a larger story it'll work.
One thing bothered me in particular.   Wouldn't Dirk be a loose end?
If they paid him off (cash in envelope), the guy might just skip out on them.  They should pay him 1/2 now and 1/2 on completion of the job.   Otherwise, they don't have leverage.

Also, if you lay down the plot on how they get rid of Treavor, it's not scary.  But if he winds up on the 11 o'clock news and Evie already predicted that he would not be coming home, that's creepy.  Never mind how the crime was done, if it's in the realm of believability, I think we'll buy it.

Another thought. What if Mom rises from the lake?  But I think you're married to your ending of Treavor returning.  Anyway, on P. 17, you write:  Treavor is slowly dragged beneath the surface.  The next line is dialogue of Treavor saying "... kate... "

There are a few more nagging, little (and big) things with the remainder of the script.  Others have already pointed many of those things out.  So I'll skip to some suggestions.

Think about this story very carefully, Bert.  Think about the back story.
Evie plotted to marry Treavor for the fortune, true?    With that in mind, she has calculated every step.
My first recommendation is to make Evie a Jeckyl-and-Hyde character.
She's just got to be a likable wife in Treavor's presence.  But when he's not around, she's a monster.

"Think of Me...," IMO, is about a psychological battle between two forces:  A little girl with extraordinary psychic capabilities and a woman who is a master of mind games.  And Evie has been manipulating things from the moment she came into Treavor's life.  That opens a pretty scary door, if you ask me.

For example:  What if Evie has been feeding Kate some evil thoughts.  Such as, how her mother really died.  Even if Evie and Charlie had nothing to do with the Mom's death, the suggestion might send the little girl "crying wolf."  Pretty soon, who would believe this child?
And Evie might suggest that authorities will institutionalize Kate.  If she keeps "making up lies."

I would move that scene of Kate boxing up the mom's photos until after Treavor has gone on the business trip.
This would give Evie an opportunity to torment the little girl while taking down the portraits.
And that shard of glass in the cheek could come from a shattered portrait of mom.  

What if that shard of glass takes out Evie's eye?  Would be Eye-ronic.  

It would be in your best interest to demonstrate how Evie can overcome the little girl's powers.
She berates her, intimidates her, crushes her spirit, demoralizes her...   creating a level playing field.

You've removed Mom early on and followed that by killing dad.   Keep it going.   Create Kate's worst nightmare.   Remove all of her security blankets.   Jacks is next to go.  If she has a cane, that gets lost.  Furniture is moved, so the girl has trouble getting around.  Maybe the house is booby-trapped.  No phones, no TV, the fridge is emptied.   Hey, throw a snake into the works - ha.
Like Pia said, a witch and a blind girl all alone in that mansion...  could get pretty weird.

If concentration and focus fuels Kate's psychic powers, Evie has just neutralized them.

But what if Kate has a place in the house where she can't be found?  Her favorite hiding spot.

What if Kate's greatest fear is the lake?  An open body of water.  Maybe somebody she knows drowned.  If you want to keep that final scene with Treavor rising in the lake, I think Evie and Kate have to go out there.
Evie has to lure the kid  onto the row boat.  Maybe Jacks is the bait.
That could be a great scene for you to write.

Well, whatever you do, Bert, all of what is to come is tailor-made for you.
Eerie, creepy, atmospheric, they are all Bert Newcomer trade marks.   Enjoy!

Man, nothing beats getting "the treatment" from Abe, you know?  Nice to see that you still pop in to check on us from time to time.

Quoted from Abe I agree with others that this has got to be the story of a little girl with powers.  That is a better sell, if you know what I mean.

I do, and that sure seems to be the consensus.  If I were a reader, I suspect I would be saying the same thing.

Quoted from Abe B/W video?  Don't think so.

Somebody else mentioned that.  I was going for what I thought would look best visually, but yeah, I guess it just makes no sense today, does it?

Quoted from Abe The demo should not involve animating a stuffed animal.  It smacks of what’s to come.  I could see immediately where you were going...

Really?  Immediately?  Crap.  I mean, I believe you…but still.  Crap.

Quoted from Abe I thought Meghan was Kate's stepmom at first.

Having finished the story, you probably realize now that she was just a throw-away character.

Quoted from Abe Treavor’s first line of dialogue is there for our benefit...

Actually, all of Trevor’s dialogue there is for our benefit.  It is all the exposition I wanted to give this story with one, quick download.  But you are right that an anxious Trevor pulling Kate out of there would lend it a little more drama while also explaining why we never see Meghan again.  Nice spin, that.

Quoted from Abe Also, if you lay down the plot on how they get rid of Treavor, it's not scary.  But if he winds up on the 11 o'clock news and Evie already predicted that he would not be coming home, that's creepy.  Never mind how the crime was done, if it's in the realm of believability, I think we'll buy it.

Good points, all.  The lake scene with Trevor and Charlie was actually a riff I lifted from “Blood Simple”, where the guy just will not die.  But this is a "darling" that I might have to kill.

Quoted from Abe Another thought. What if Mom rises from the lake?

Mom drowned in the lake?  Hey, that is pretty good.  See -- this is the kind of stuff we pay you for, Abe.

Good thoughts on Evie, too, by the way.  Too many to quote and respond, but plenty to consider.  Kate's fear of the lake is another great angle.

Excellent stuff, Abe, and lots to work with, as usual.  Those ideas just spew outta' you like a firehose, and it is a pleasure to have it turned on one of my works.  Thanks again.

Alright.. I didn't know this was up Bert. Or else I would have read it a lot faster, but I'll give it one before I have to go to school.

SPOILERS...

Alright, haven't found a spelling error so far. I'm usually good at that, eh, your making me feel like I'm giving you a lame review.

Jesus Christ.. Trevor got the living shit beat out of him.

Why did she hit Jack with a chair? That was so unfair..

I found one spelling mistake, but it was already suggested in the earlier reviews. So I'll leave that alone.

Well... that was a nice little short. Though, obvious question probably, is Trevor dead? Thats never interpeted, and she could of saved him in time before he drowned. So I guess its possible? But anyways, I think this is your greatest short. All the characters were developed perfectly. Great stuff.

It’s been awhile since you wrote something so I figured I’d give it a read. I didn’t even know about it until I was searching through recent shorts because that’s really all people will read and saw you as the author.

It starts out quite strong with the bear and mystery surrounding it.

You forgot to describe Meghan.

Okay, so I read in response to a review that you didn’t think it could be a feature and I agree with you but it has potential to be 30 pages if not more.

The scenes with Meghan and all that are gone in a flash. It almost seems more pointless than a set-up.

I liked how it went from mystery to drama to horror/terror to action and back to horror/mystery. The ending was quite decent to as far as twists and endings go… it’s something different.

A couple problems were the girls power and the extent of that power and the relationship with the double. He just seems like a pointless add on from the wife almost like how Patrick Bateman sends the guys luggage after he kills him in American Psycho.

Did he need to? Nope. Did Evie? Probably not. (Nothing you did wrong really, just kind of like the wife and accomplices overthinking it)

As far as the girls power is concerned, it needs more of a set-up than what you have. I like where it was going but I think the readers (Me anyway) need one more visit and a little more explanation on what exactly they are doing.

I really did enjoy the script and feel like it’s a good comeback for you. I am still looking forward to the finished product of Starbuck Starr because as much as the Short section has become the hot spot to get reads the series has become the graveyard and I should know.

What I enjoyed about this short is the relationships between the father and daughter. It feels real and works. The action and script reads really fast so it’s not like a 25 page short that takes a long time to read. I also really liked Charlie, a non stereotypical black character with a decent villain role that makes you feel sorry for him. (Personally I would have liked him to be the hero and not go so… dark but that’s not what this was about and frankly that ending is cliché and not to… I can’t think of a good work but it will come to me some day.)

Quick reads are the best kind because that means you did something right.

Quoted from bert and these days it seems that anything on the shorts boards longer than 5 pages is already kind of doomed.

You're not wrong with this observation but I think it's more wide spread than just this board. It's every board. Maybe write a 5 page series where each episode you learn a little bit more so people can't say you didn't develop characters and at the same time you will... eventually.

Then you can be like "My series has 800 episodes in the first season because that's the only way I can get a read or two"

Hey Bert,

First off, I love the title for this and it fits the story perfectly.  But, just out of curiosity:  Did you get the idea for the title from the song 'Seasons in the Sun' by Terry Jacks?  It was originally 'The Dying Man', written by Jacques Brel and also performed by the Kingston Trio, the Beach Boys, and, more recently, Westlife.  Nirvana also released it as a B-side.

"Goodbye, my friend, it's hard to die
When all the birds are singing in the sky
Now that spring is in the air, pretty girls are everywhere
Think of me and I'll be there."

I've tried just to speak the title outloud, but no matter what, I always end up singing it like they do in the song.  It's just too damned catchy.

Anywho, on to the story.

I think this worked pretty well.  I knew right after the opening a dead body was going to be coming into play, I just thought it was going to be Kate's mom's corpse, until Trevor was killed.  I don't think you were going for much of a twist, though.  You had set it up pretty blatantly and I think the story could stand straight up for itself as is.  It's a very good way to end the script, the shot of Kate, her father's and her shepard's corpse all huddling together at the end.  Very strong imagery there.

I could understand how other readers wouldn't have gotten the idea that Trevor was dead, though.

First, you had Dirk shock him senseless and what-not.  Then, in the boat, when he's supposed to be dead, he awakes and begs Charlie to stop.  Charlie bashes him with an oar over and over repeatedly and he's supposed to be dead again.  Trevor still pleads for him to stop.  He's came back twice now, so it's pretty easy to see how just throwing Trevor into the lake, escpecially with his eye still staring at Charlie,  wouldn't have gotten the idea that Trevor was going to die from this across to some readers.

Speaking of Charlie and Trevor in the boat, or canoe, I noticed when Trevor was begging, you never capitalized Charlie's or Kate's name in Trevor's dialogue.

I wasn't sure if it's a rule that whenever a character's voice is muffled, you're not supposed to capitalize whenever they use proper nouns.    If it's not a rule and an honest accident, I still think it was pretty effective.  I think I might start doing it now if I have to muffle anybody's voice whether you meant to do it or not.  :-)

I also saw that some people wanted to see less Evie, or Edie, :-), and more of Kate's powers.

I think you stressed it well enough with Meghan, at least to me, that trauma hightens her ability, so no real need to get too detailed how it gets stronger and stronger.  You went from bear, to exploding coffee pot, to corpse.  That's well enough in a short.  Anything else and it would have detracted from controlling her father's corpse at the end.

While it might have seemed predictable to other writers, who, in every story, try to figure out the twist throughout, I believe there are still viewers and even readers out there who won't put to much thought into it and just let the story wash over them.  So to them, it might come off as a little bit of a surprised ending.

I have to agree with what somebody else had said, though, about the relationship between Evie and Charlie.  In my opinion, (when was the last time you saw somebody type those words out instead of abbreviating them?), I think the story might work a little better if you just have the two as accomplices together instead of lovers.  It might make their connection seem a little less muddled, anyway.

This was very good, though, IMHO.  I was absorbed from beginning to end.  Can't beat a story that does that for ya.

- Mark

These response starts right off with SPOILERS:

Quoted from Toran ...obvious question probably, is Trevor dead? Thats never interpreted

Yes, he is dead.  So is Jacks.  You are not the only one who was confused, and I appreciate you letting me know.  That one is my fault.  

Quoted from Toran I think this is your greatest short.

Thank you, Toran.  Not everybody agrees with you, but I appreciate it just the same.

Quoted from Wesley I liked how it went from mystery to drama to horror/terror to action and back to horror/mystery.

Thanks, Wes.  That is part of the reason this damn story took so long.  It was a real struggle to get everything to mesh, and in the end, maybe there is a little too much going on for 25 pages.

Quoted from Wesley ...almost like how Patrick Bateman sends the guys luggage after he kills him in American Psycho.

Shite.  Are you telling me it’s already been done?  I am going to have to check that one out.

Quoted from Wesley I am still looking forward to the finished product of Starbuck Starr.

He is next up, Wes.  But I will not start hyping it until it is almost ready to go.

Quoted from Wesley Maybe write a 5 page series where each episode you learn a little bit more...

You might be kidding, but I kind of like the idea.  You work something out and I might sign on for a few episodes.

Quoted from Mark Did you get the idea for the title from the song...

Oh, yick.  I hadn't thought of that.  Thanks for reminding me  

Quoted from Mark I knew right after the opening a dead body was going to be coming into play...

Darn.  I heard that from Abe, too, so there must be something to it.

Quoted from Mark I could understand how other readers wouldn't have gotten the idea that Trevor was dead, though.  First, you had Dirk shock him senseless and what-not.  Then, in the boat, when he's supposed to be dead, he awakes and begs Charlie to stop.  Charlie bashes him with an oar over and over repeatedly and he's supposed to be dead again.  Trevor still pleads for him to stop.  He's came back twice now, so it's pretty easy to see how just throwing Trevor into the lake, escpecially with his eye still staring at Charlie,  wouldn't have gotten the idea that Trevor was going to die from this across to some readers.

I like this comment.  Good points, and I’ll bet you’re right.  I had not thought of it like that at all, but it is a great explanation.

Quoted from Mark I noticed when Trevor was begging, you never capitalized Charlie's or Kate's name in Trevor's dialogue. I wasn't sure if it's a rule…I still think it was pretty effective.  I think I might start doing it now.

It was intentional, and I just did it to emphasize how weak Trevor was.  I thought it "looked" right on the page.  I do not know if it is "legal", but we get to make our own rules from time to time.  If you really like it, feel free to steal it.  I won’t mind in the least.

Thanks for some more good thoughts on this one, guys.  When I first posted this I had some reservations of my own about the flow of this story, but I had spent too much time with it for a deconstruction.  I am getting some very good ideas about where to take this, what to keep, what to lose, and what to expand.  I really appreciate the input.

Honestly, I don't think there's anything wrong with the reanimation scene at the beginning. It's called foreshadowing. And if you don't show us she has peripheral re-animation powers how the hell are we gonna buy that she can go from breaking a cup to raising the dead? No, the teddy-bear scene needs to be there. It's the set-up.

But since people seem to get where you were going (I didn't btw), maybe you just need to rewrite it in a more subtle manner. Don't ask me how.

Quoted Text Shite.  Are you telling me it’s already been done?  I am going to have to check that one out.

I guess it depends on how you look at it. Patrick Bateman goes nuts and murders his "friend" and the pay off is that it's all in his mind and not true or at least it's left up the the imagination.

You went a little deeper than that.

Quoted Text He is next up, Wes.  But I will not start hyping it until it is almost ready to go.

Unless you don't post that in series it will have no life like 100% of the series posted. If I were you, I would post it as a short and make no internal reference to the series that exists... even going as far as axing the series from the site and just having what you're doing as a stand alone.

Of course if you're going back to the series than you can't do that but if you're doing what you said awhile back than it may work.

Quoted Text You might be kidding, but I kind of like the idea.  You work something out and I might sign on for a few episodes.

It is a good idea. I never thought of it as an idea but with a strong background story to use as a spark over time it would turn into something but people would ask as they always do with shorts "Why not just put them together as one" and really what answer can you give? Unless each 5 pager has a beginning middle and end and in that case it would make no sense placed together.


And onto the point a few people brought up where they were confused about the end. At first I was confused but thinking about it you should be able to decipher that the father is in fact dead. The dog, not so much. Badly hurt but not dead.

Bert,

I really enjoyed this.  Like others have said, it reminded me of Tales From the Crypt or some similar serial.

Horror/Supernatural is not my thing; however, I couldn't stop reading this.  Your writing style is wonderful, and I really enjoyed how you injected nature (frogs, herons).  The line about Jacks turning Charlie's neck into fajita meat was great.

My only problem is that I didn't see what Trevor saw in Evie/Edie.  I think you would need to show some attraction or affection to sell the relationship.  Other than that, a very entertaining read and a great way to show newbies like myself how to write.

Quoted from Old Time Wesley It is a good idea. I never thought of it as an idea but with a strong background story to use as a spark over time it would turn into something but people would ask as they always do with shorts "Why not just put them together as one" and really what answer can you give? Unless each 5 pager has a beginning middle and end and in that case it would make no sense placed together.

Jumping in here and kinda hijacking the thread, but I wanted to offer my two cents on this.

I think it could work, and would probably work best, if treated something like a comic strip.  Not to say that it has to be comedic, but if you use the same characters and what not, you could get away with it being a "short" short series, without being prodded to merge the episodes together.

Quoted from TJ I don't think there's anything wrong with the reanimation scene at the beginning. It's called foreshadowing. It's the set-up.

Thanks for echoing my own thoughts on that.  I am pretty fond of the opening sequence, and the way it bookends the piece.  In this genre, I suppose there will always be horror fans that "get it" right away -- whether they are overthinking or just by instinct.  This is one of those instances times where it will be impossible to please everybody, so I'll have to stick with what I think works best.

Quoted from Wesley ...a few people…were confused about the end. At first I was confused...

This part definitely needs to be fixed, though.  Thanks for speaking up on it, Wes.  It helps to know where things aren’t clear.

Quoted from Wesley Unless you don't post that in series it will have no life like 100% of the series posted.

I think you just need to keep the series active, or it withers on the vine.  You cannot keep people waiting forever.  Lunchroom is really good about that, and if those writers actually hung around, I am sure they would be rolling in readers.

Quoted from Shelton I think it could work

I do, too.  Maybe the seeds of a collaborative effort are in the works.  It would need a great hook, though.

Quoted from Yosef I really enjoyed how you injected nature (frogs, herons).

  

Hey, somebody mentions my aspirations towards something literary!  Yes, the life and death of the denizens of the lake were supposed to mirror the life and death surrounding our characters.  Whether or not the symbolism actually works...eh, I really do appreciate your commenting on it, though.

Quoted from Yosef I didn't see what Trevor saw in Evie/Edie.  I think you would need to show some attraction or affection to sell the relationship.

Argh!  That typo is really f***ing with my OCD.  The relationship between those two is a bit shallow here, and that may just be a function of the length.  If I can flesh that out without being dull, it may well be something to consider.

Thanks for the kind words, Yosef.  A nice way to start the morning.

Hey Bert, just finished your script and it was pretty good.  First off I like the title a lot, I think it it's pretty clever.

Your story, in a way, reminded me a bit of Firestarter, a little girl with special powers, and a dead mom, but I think that's all it has in common, the story goes in a completely different direction.  Also the teddy bear made me think of the teddy bear in A.I who was also named Teddy.

I think the story itself works quite well, but I think I would rather it have been a feature and stretch in out, at least IMO.  I would have liked to have more of a set up with Trevor and his daughter, they really only have one scene together at the kitchen table, I wanted to know more about these two.  Movies like the exorcist and the sixth sense had an added dread because we get to see the characters in their real life before the bad things start to happen.  So maybe if we got to see more of them together it would build more suspense when the shit hits the fan.

I hated Evie from the start and it was hard for me to see how Trevor liked her at all, she has absolutely no good qualities, at least none that I saw, maybe make her nice at first, or appear to be nice, then when we see what she is up to it is more of a shock.

Charlie seemed unbalanced for me, I would have liked to see him stronger, not physically, but mentally.

Loved the ending, it was funny in a way but haunting, I think it was a perfect way to end your story.

all in all a good story that I wish was a little more fleshed out, but in a short that is hard to do, but I do think this would work as a feature.

Hi Jordan

Quoted from The boy who could fly Your story, in a way, reminded me a bit of Firestarter, a little girl with special powers, and a dead mom

It always seems to come back to King, doesn't it?  I could do worse though, I suppose.

Quoted from The boy who could fly I think the story itself works quite well, but I think I would rather it have been a feature and stretch in out, at least IMO...I hated Evie from the start and it was hard for me to see how Trevor liked her at all...maybe make her nice at first,

Yeah, a couple of people have said that.  But I just do not think the end is strong enough to support a feature.  Any lengthening will certainly have to take into account the relationship between Trevor and Evie, though.  

Quoted from The boy who could fly Charlie seemed unbalanced for me, I would have liked to see him stronger, not physically, but mentally.

Hmm....I have not heard that one before.  The murder was supposed to have screwed him up, and during the third act, he was in a fractured mental state.  Maybe you picked up on that?

Quoted from The boy who could fly Loved the ending, it was funny in a way but haunting.

Thanks, Jordan.  There is some humor there, of a cruel sort.  And thank you also for taking the time to drop some thoughts on this one.