A great read. The set up was fantastic and I loved the idea. A few minor things you may have caught already:

pp.1 "The bear does not move" seems a little too much description since we have no idea what is about to happen. "Nothing happens" maybe?

pp.2 Kate apologizes and I was instantly rooting for her. Awesome.

pp.8 Typo- TREVOR "Just for A week."

pp.10 Formatting CHARLIE ...Grimaces...

pp.17 Would Charlie really be having such a hard time if he had obviously been planning this whole event?

pp.22 Typo- Edie (Evie)

The ending left a little to be desired. It wrapped up, but somehow felt like it needed more. I always have a hard time with endings.

Anyway, that's my two cents. Great work. One of the best I've read here on SS.

James

Thank you for the kind words, James, and welcome to the boards.

Quoted from James R "The bear does not move" seems a little too much description since we have no idea what is about to happen. "Nothing happens" maybe?

Hey, that is subtle, but definitely a great catch.  Good comment.  Will definitely be changed.

Quoted from James R Would Charlie really be having such a hard time if he had obviously been planning this whole event?

But the plan had gone awry.  I guess the point was that hiring a murder and committing it yourself are two different things.  Charlie had signed on for one, but not the other.

Quoted from James R The ending left a little to be desired.

Thanks for your frankenss, there.  So noted.  It is strong in my head, but not yet translating to the page, I think.  Several people have missed the point that Trevor and Jacks are still dead, and that is my fault.

  

Thank you again, James, for taking the time to post your comments and thoughts.  I appreciate it.

Somehow this one got past me. I don't know how but it did. After this long, I think I should've noticed a new Robert Newcomer script. Anyway, on with the review...

- I think there should be some description of the examination room/facility. I have no idea what kind of place this is.

- Even though she's blind, Kate would still have been able to sense Jacks coming at her. She'd still get tackled, of course, but I still think she needs to react somehow.

pg. 6 - "They're gone." Stating the obvious, don't you think?

- Okay... he blinks "as if his eyes might be deceiving him." A perfectly legitimate reaction to something out of the ordinary but I still think you need more here. Trevor's basically seeing himself here. This doesn't exactly happen every day .

pg. 16 - As much as I dig the description of the tooth, how could it get knocked out if Trevor's mouth is only "partially free?"

pg. 22 - Hehe. "Fajita meat." That's a new one.

- Under the circumstances, I don't think Evie would be able to bring herself to slap Trevor. I'm pretty sure she'd be far too busy being petrified.

Well, this was definitely a script I'm glad to have checked out. Part of the fun in reading it was I wasn't exactly sure where the story was going to end up, despite the tone. At no point did it feel predictable as I had no idea what kind of horror script I was reading. In the end, I guess you were going for something comic book-esque. Zombie Trevor is straight out of Creepshow. However, at the same time, I don't think this really had a Creepshow feel. You played it pretty straight for the most part and the relationship you created between Kate and Trevor was so strong, I actually bought in the end that Kate would hug her smelly, wet, zombified dad. It was quite a touching scene that could so easily have been unintentionally comical. In fact, I think a lot of the scenes were emotionally taught. Trevor's death, in particular, was painful to read but not in a brutal slasher sort of way. I really felt for his character.

Anyway, this wasn't exactly what I expected (even though I didn't really know what to expect). This was horror, for sure, but there were a lot more emotions going on here other than fear. At the end of the day, I think that's good. Focusing more on character development than scares or even atmosphere I think paid off big time. Overall, this was a pleasure to read. Thanks, Bert and great job!

Thanks, James.  Our thoughts usually match up so well that I always appreciate your time for some comments.

So it is funny to me that you latched onto this one, as this was a big sticking point for me, too:

Quoted from James McClung Under the circumstances, I don't think Evie would be able to bring herself to slap Trevor. I'm pretty sure she'd be far too busy being petrified.

I do not think anybody commented on this yet, as I was actually looking for such a comment, and was surprised not to find one.

It does seem almost absurd, and she went through dozens of lines there.  Scared, apologetic, sweet-talking -- but none of them felt true to her character.  The slapping came from asking "What would this chick really do?"  If you really think on it, for this queen-bitch, anger is the only emotion that feels honest for her.

Other comments duly noted, and appreciated.    

Quoted from James McClung Zombie Trevor is straight out of Creepshow...

Indeed he is haha.  Shelton caught that, too.

Quoted from James McClung ...this wasn't exactly what I expected (even though I didn't really know what to expect). This was horror, for sure, but there were a lot more emotions going on here other than fear.

It did not turn out like I expected it to either, but looking back, I am pleased with how it ended up.  It is a bit of a departure from how I usually do things.  There have been some good suggestions I must incorporate, but the spine of this story will remain much the same, I think.

Always good to hear from you, James.  Thanks again.  And I cannot freakin' wait to see "Abattoir".

I haven't been on the boards in a while, but I was poking around and found this script. I'm glad I did because I really liked it. Like other people have said, I related it to a Twilight Zone/Tales from the Crypt story. It wasn't until I started reading other people's responses that I thought about some of my own. I haven't read them all, so maybe all of these have already been said but:

Would a blind girl have the lights on in her bedroom? Or notice to turn them off before bed? That just stuck with me, though it's kind of nit-picky.

I figured Trevor and Jacks were dead... only because I was thinking "There's no way they survived that" not because of any clues though through further thinking it does make sense with the teddy bear. But to make it more obvious, maybe if in the end when Trevor, Kate and Jacks were in the moonlight, a police officer or someone calls out to them and Trevor and Jacks fall down just like the teddy bear and don't move.

Hey, thank you, Impulse.  Nice to see you popping back in from time to time, and I appreciate your thoughts here.

Quoted from Impulse Would a blind girl have the lights on in her bedroom? Or notice to turn them off before bed? That just stuck with me, though it's kind of nit-picky.

No, it is not nit-picky at all.  It is a fair question, and there have been a couple of instances where people have asked why or how a blind girl would do something.

Not being blind, I have discovered with this piece that it is a challenge to use a blind character and get all of the details just right.  Your example is one of a few buried in this script, and thanks for pointing it out.

Quoted from Impulse I figured Trevor and Jacks were dead... only because I was thinking "There's no way they survived that" not because of any clues though...

It is nice to know you picked up on it.  Not everybody does, and that is my fault.  Your approach is a good idea to help clarify things, but I would hate to lose the final shot in the script by carrying things forward, even a little bit.

For this story, all I really started with was the opening shots and the final shot, and than had to fill in all the blanks in between.  I do need to clarify what is going on there, but I fear I might be too attached to that final fade to sacrifice it.  I will have to think some more.

Thanks again, Impulse, for your thoughts, and for picking up one of my stories when you popped in to say hello.

Hi Bert,

See, I always get around to the stuff on my to-do list, it just sometimes takes a little while.  

The premise of the story is outstanding.  In fact I think it has all the technical ingredients to be something spectacular.  As it stands now, though, I felt there were some major potholes that should probably be covered up.  Each character in here is distinguishable, which is good, but the links that bring them together just aren't there.  Evie and Charlie, right?  The chemistry wasn't there.  They exchange a kiss at one point, but aside from that, their whole relationship seemed completely out of left field...like instead of hitting the ball to left field, the left fielder picked it up and threw it into the bleachers.  Like, what's going on here?  Their relationship is a key aspect in their whole murder plan, but as it stands it's not strong enough. I think throwing in some other clues about their relationship would have helped glue it together.

And what can you say about a chick like Evie?  She succeeded immensely in her evil tactics, but it's like I've seen it before.  I've seen the two-face who is sweet to the husband(who's rich) and then suddenly a devil to her step daughter.  But then I guess you gotta take into consideration, well, how else is a character like her supposed to come off as?  It's an area to explore, but as it is now it felt cliche.

As always in your scripts, the imagery is something else.  Very vivid and includes exponential details that you probably wouldn't find in 95% of other scripts, such as the whole toad-audience bit, but it works here and it works well.  At the end you truly did do a terrific* job of creating this really gut-wrenching feeling, like holy crap, how can this situation get any worse for these people.  And how Trevor didn't die after the numerous beatings and referring back to his eye on Charlie, that was haunting.  When Trevor rises from the lake again, the whole idea of the title comes into play and suddenly in you get this brief glimmer of happiness for an otherwise unhappy ending.  

*I asterisked terrific for a reason.  Evie smashed the dog with a chair?  Then she shoots the dog?  No.  I'm sorry, no good at all.  Bert, come on, you already created this sense of dread here and you know you could have done a million and one more things to further enhance that other than this.  Do whatever the hell you want to the humans, but don't shoot the dog.  On the big screen, does the audience really want to see that?  I remember a discussion on the boards long ago about shocks and thrills and stuff you shouldn't do, and I recall killing an animal being on top of that list.  Now, what some yahoo writes in a list of what you should and shouldn't do is always debatable, but killing an animal will always get that cheap OMGERZ feeling...especially a dog.  That was no good at all for me.  I know your intentions were good, but I couldn't swallow that.

Overall there was a good amount of info but it was tied together well enough to make it breeze by.  The dialogue was fine, but it was who was talking which I think should be tweaked.  The story works, so stick to it and maybe one day this teddy bear can be as epic as another famous one on the site.

Wow, another teddy bear. Good bear, here. Bad bear, "The Farm". I don't think you can get away with two of these.

Why not have it a Raggedy Ann doll? Leave the bear for Ty.

If you want it clear the little girl's all alone in the end, she could reach for her dad, but he sinks into the water. The dog gives Kate a final wag of his tail, then collapses. The doll makes it to her lap, moves no more. She and the doll's painted smile are alone in the moonlight.  

Her powers are proved momentary and limited.

*Spoilers*

Damn, Bert.  First The Farm, and now this.  What, were you traumatized by a teddy bear when just a child??  

Okay.  Since you liked the short n' sweet synopsis last time, here's the really, really good stuff, re: visuals and general aspects of the script:

Bathing the room in darkness that is meaningless to her.

I actually like the fact that the "cheating" couple is inter-racial. Adds a bit of color (NO pun intended) to the script...and bit of additional personality.

Trevor gradually disappears beneath loop after loop of tape

p. 16 - the tooth

Fajita Meat.  Nice.

The transition between the spinning swing and the spinning tire on the car.

I even liked Evie.  She's a cartoon villianness, but it works, nonetheless.  Charlie's got more depth  - I like the fact that *he's* not a one-note baddie.

A few things I'd personally change:

No WAY would Trevor bob for a few seconds on the surface.  Nice visual, but...  Actually, if you have him tear free of some of the tape and tread water, that works better later, when he has to be free enough to walk out of the lake.

p. 24  - he's already here, you bitch!  Katie's just too young and innocent (IMHO) to use that line.  Just have her scream for her Daddy, and let her subconscious do the rest...

Trevor's eye shouldn't soften.  He's not alive - he's just a meat puppet at this stage, jerked around by Katie's emotions.  Have his eyes glazed, dull.

And me?  I'd like it a LITTLE more macabre as the dead things come out of the woods to keep Katie company at the end.  Have her rock in place, and say something like You won't leave me now, right?  Like Mommy did?  

Though: just read Monette's idea and like it too.  Maybe: have the bodies slow down and collapse, as Katie's fear subsides.  Leaving her all alone at the end.    THEN have her deliver that line.  Please don't leave me now.  Like Mommy did....

Just a few cents.    As usual, though, VERY nice writing.

Another one from 2008 by my stalker haha.  I was particularly happy to find this one bumped up this morning.  

I have always been particularly fond of the work in this one -- and think it kind of gets overlooked because it is just too long for most readers looking for a short.

I would not want to cut it, though.

Quoted from wonka Were you traumatized by a teddy bear when just a child??

I have no idea where that comes from.  Perhaps someday -- as suggested by my buddy Greg up there -- I shall write my teddy bear epic.  (Greg, if you are looking, I have no idea why I did not respond to your comments.  Something must have been going on.  Thanks, Greg).

Quoted from wonka I even liked Evie.

Going back and reading this today for the first time in a couple of years, so do I.  I like her much more than I remember liking her at the time.  What a bitch haha.

Quoted from wonka Katie is  just too young and innocent...to use that line.

Completely agreed.  Reading this today, I wonder what I was thinking.  Definitely something else there.

As for that final shot -- I know exactly what I am going for, but I have thus far failed to capture it in words.

Thanks again, Wonka.  It has been fun revisiting some of my old stuff.  I really appreciate it.

This was bumped onto my radar, and I know Bert's writing always makes for an easy read. Did not disappoint at all in that regard.

In addition to being well written, the story built tension and suspense at a professional level. 30 pages, and barely a dull moment to be found.

As the story progressed, I expected that my only criticism would be that the wicked step mom is kind overdone. But, though well worn, it does work as a archetype, so why not.

My first real objection came when Evie voiced her planned explanation to authorities about what happened. To force this character to voice her thoughts out loud I thought detracted from the believability of her character. And it really wasn't needed either. IMO I would scrap that.

I had trouble with the ending and how things tied up. I will have to go back and read comments, see if things are explained there. I am not sure what exactly her powers are. She can animate inanimate objects(Teddy), give her father some kind of powers which allow his survival, and I think save the dog, shot three times and no worse for the wear.

(Was this the Teddy from the farm? JK)

I am left not really sure how I feel about this script. Because it was well written and carried the suspense throughout, it was a very enjoyable read. But the end kind of gave me a WTF feeling. I probably missed something important that connected it all.

I was a big fan of Steven King's Firestarter. Read it when I was a kid. This reminded me of that at the start. It didn't go in that direction. I will read other posts after supper.

Bert old buddy!

Another fluid read, another strong narrative.
I enjoyed this a lot after meditating on the ending.
I think something in Trevor's farewell to Kate could sell your ending better.
It's one of the strongest conclusions I've read to your work.
Trevor and Kate can find a way to ram it home for everyone though.
And whatever that catch phrase is, can be echoed by your ending.
Maybe even down in a spectral voice over as her "protectors" surround her.

There's a few things that don't make much sense, but I didn't care really.
The story moves along so well, there was something good to overshadow it.
Makes little to no sense to polarize Kate so much by Evie's pre-murder actions.
The romance motivator is a tad flat, maybe Charlie needed the money for his family.
I can see Charlie choosing his family, a sick daughter, over his loyal boss.
But Charlie seemed the type to never hurt a child, as written.
It would make more sense to me if Charlie did it to save his ailing kid or something.

To your ending, it took me half a beat to absorb it all, Teddy sealed the deal.
It works very well, with the aforementioned farewell tweak, it may be even better.

Regards,
E.D.

Hey, thanks for looking, guys!

Quoted from leitskev My first real objection came when Evie voiced her planned explanation to authorities about what happened. To force this character to voice her thoughts out loud I thought detracted from the believability of her character. And it really wasn't needed either. IMO I would scrap that.

I know what you mean.  She is supposed to be kind of "rehearsing" the lines for later, but you do make a good point -- I wonder if anybody would even miss it if it were to be deleted.  Maybe it is just the author overthinking things.

Quoted from leitskev I had trouble with the ending and how things tied up.

You were not the only one who was left scratching their head, and that is my fault, not yours.  What I am going for is that Dad and the dog are every bit as dead as that teddy bear -- all of them drawn to Kate as she kind of "short circuits" in this scenario.

So they are all there but she is still totally alone.  It is supposed to be kind of happy and horrible all at once.

Quoted from E.D. I think something in Trevor's farewell to Kate could sell your ending better.

You mean something at breakfast that morning, that comes back and pays off later?  That is not a bad idea at all, though I probably would not go for having him actually vocalize anything.

You are also correct that what is driving Charlie throughout this story is kind of muddy, and Evie does not seem like quite enough.

I wanted to give Charlie additional layers -- particularly as Evie was such a one-note bitch -- but the page count was already reaching way beyond what I had originally planned on.  I do give him second thoughts, but some deeper motivation is something to think on for sure -- provided it can be accomplished quickly without adding too many pages.

I appreciate the thoughts guys, particularly given the length of this piece.  Thanks again.

I understand it better now. I basically got it the first time, the reanimation/animation. I wonder it it might make sense to scrap Teddy, and have her reanimate some dead thing in the lab? Animating a stuffed animal is a tough reach. In the Farm, Teddy was possessed if I recall, which makes sense. If you can animate a Teddy bear, why not a toaster, or a basketball? Just a thought, I know there's no need to get too deep here. The effect you want at the end is the girl, isolated, discovering the limits of her powers, animating things she loves. And that's the effect you achieved, so no need to change.

One more suggestion/idea. If you are going to stick with this route, maybe a small expansion at the beginning in the lab to set up better. I don't think I had the sense of Teddy coming to life so much as her manipulating the toy. You could do this in two ways I can think. One would be to have Meghan discuss that the girl is actually animating it. Or even better, you could have Teddy demonstrate some independence of action, which would imply he is more animated then manipulated. Maybe when the girl is distracted in the lab, someone brings in cookies, and she isnt paying attention to Teddy, he does something on his own. That would be creepy too.

Hi guys-

Throwing in my 2 cents on this one...

Actually, I like that Evie thinks outloud what she'll tell the police.  (Otherwise, how the heck is she going to explain that the girl got shot?)  Probably wouldn't miss it if it were taken out, but it's a nice detail, nonetheless.

Re: the reanimation issue.  Correct me if I'm off on this one..but from my takeaway on the story, Kate *was* manipulating the bear (and Dad, and Jacks) - though on a subconscious level.  IE: there's no spark of life left in them, they're just being driven by her mind...