thought i'd take a look after 'thank you, anna'.  i think i have same feelings as others.  i feel you should cut down on the diaolgue and show more (like the line of dialogue explaining why his wife is gone.  if anything, show a picture of him and his wife, and maybe he rips it out or something like that).  and this should definitely be expanded to give it more story.  your a capable writer, so we'll see what you come up with next

I think that "You can keep the Dog" has some hope, obviously it needs some help,  I got to thinking about it today.  It could be turned into a twisted sci-fi type of Twilight zone eposiode you know what I mean?  The dog plays head games with the owner, where does this lead?  some sort of competition between the owner and the dog?  Who wins? the dog or the owner? perhaps neither, maybe he learns to love the dog, than it runs out in the street and is killed by a fleeting motorist!  In the end I could hear the Twilight Zone narration,  "The dog terrorized his mental being until he found he loved it, than now, and only now clutching onto the dogs bloody carcas, sobbing hysterically searching for a new layer of peace of mind, somewhere only found in the Twilight Zone."   Keep working on it!    

Hi ajnemeth.
I have done a rewrite but totally forgot about it with posting down during the OWC. I'll have another look at the second draft when I get home and put it up.
Thanks for your thoughts.

I think this has some potential, but still needs work. The ending was abrupt and the overall script could be a few more pages. That might tighten your story up.

Thanks Pants

I've just sent the revised version, will say when it's on. This was one of my first scripts on here.

Ste

Quoted from stebrown Thanks Pants I've just sent the revised version, will say when it's on. This was one of my first scripts on here. Ste

I kind of picked up on that. I've been going back and reading some of the older scripts. I look forward to reading your rewrite.

Revised version now available. Thanks Don.

I personally think that the most remarkable thing about this piece of writing is that it doesn't resemble at all the story, characters, successes, and/or the mistakes pointed out in any of the comments above.

In what I read, there's no female character, dog, V.O., camera angles, or Tom.

As a matter of fact, the few similarities that I can find are more in the realm of the confussion caused by  descriptions and the need for a story to be told.

Quoted from garbagemen In what I read, there's no female character, dog, V.O., camera angles, or Tom.

You sure you read the right script? Because I found most of those things in there just skimming through it.

It is a revised version, and a lot of the comments appear to have been taken on board, but Tom and the dog are still there.

Ok Garbageman, cheers for the read but there is a dog and a V.O. Lost the camera angles but Tom's definately there too.

You just read the title page?

This was one of my first scripts and the revised version took into account the thoughts of people who read the script and gave comments on it - even though it wasn't particularly good.

Ste

As I said in the post that got censored for no good reason, I'd like if this writing contained a story.

Best wishes.

Please, disregard the last comment.

I read your reply, and I wonder if we're reading the same story. Seriously.

The story that pops in my screen is called "A Day in the Life of Fred Harold", by Kyle MacKenzie and Shawb Martin. And the main characters are Fred Harold, a camera guy, Bob, and Fester - which I'm not sure is  Fred's father or not.

You bet I read it, come on! I might be lazy, but not that much - it's only seven pages!

And that, in my computer, is what it is the unproduced script for July 31st. I asure you: there's neither Tom nor a dog in the story I read.

Well, what can I say? Apologies for the misleading critique.

You are not going crazy, Garbage.

The "Script of the Day" is "A day in the life..." (not so good), but when you click, "Discuss the Script", it sends you here -- to ol' Steve's thread.

All of that is going on with the main board.  Those that come right to the discussion board would not encounter such weirdness.

Very odd, and very confusing for you, I am sure.

Perhaps Don has been hitting the Merlot again.

Thanks Bert.

Love merlot.

haha I was wondering what was going on.

No worries

Ste