Quoted from alffy Hey Yohn thanks for the read.  On the duel dialogue question, I'm not sure myself but I use final draft and thats how it does it so that's good for me lol.

The way you have it in the script is correct.

Hey Allfy,

I had a big grin on my face from start to finish. There is something very entertaining and funny about two groups of people hacking each other up with kitchen utensils.

As soon as I read the title, I knew this was most likely going to involve eating human flesh pies. I think that was what made it so entertaining though. We can only read on in disgust as the group cluelessly get stuck into the pies.

I would've loved to see Gav approach the manager of the pub after discovering the fingernail. I think you could've given us a deeper insight into the type of freaks that occupy the town (Other than the butchers).

It's great that you didn't turn this into a group of stoned college kids running for there lives. You gave it a very casual feel which I found ridiculously funny! It felt like a group of guys going out and getting into a fight, no big deal. I love the way that they fought back with no hesitation.

Overall I really enjoyed this. My only gripe is that you didn't characterize the locals. I wanted to hear them speak and see them react.

Great work!

Thanks for the read Dreamlogic, and glad you liked it.

Quoted from Dreamlogic My only gripe is that you didn't characterize the locals. I wanted to hear them speak and see them react.

I agree, a little bit depth would be good but I was on a page limit and felt I didn't have sufficient pages to evolve the locals.

Quoted from Dreamlogic It's great that you didn't turn this into a group of stoned college kids running for there lives. You gave it a very casual feel which I found ridiculously funny!

I wanted it to be very British and I think this is how most British lads would react...I'm gonna knack 'em attitude lol.

Anyway thanks for the feedback.

Hey Alffy,

I enjoyed this script, was a nice little read. It was extremely gory, which I liked. I was glad that you went for the full out, buckets of blood approach. It defintely worked here. The story was pretty predictable, and did feel like I had heard it before, especially the ending. But eh, it was a horror, and my favourite horror films are predictable. And plus, I felt that your ending worked well here. I liked the main characters, hell they reminded me of myself, and my mates, so I was glad that they survived.

Oh yeah, I think you should have given The Butcher a name... characterise him a bit more mate. But you did paint a clear image in my head about the small local town (I found it easy to picture it as I have visited many in the past - fortunatly the locals seemed to be at least 'normal' on surface level haha). Also, I believe that the script could be trimmed down a bit though... it dragged on a bit towards the end mate. Maybe try and cut it down by a page or two. Nothing too major.


Below I've listed a few things (some typos, some problems with dialogue etc.) I noticed whilst reading:

Page 3 - "JESS stands in the beer garden. He is overweight and his beard hides hi features." Needs to be "his features" mate.

Page 4 - "Two local WOMEN sit at table". Needs to be "sit at a table".

Page 5 - Gav's dialogue; "Why do feel the need to have a go at everyone you meet?" doesn't make sense mate... I think you're missing out a "you".

Page 9 - Gav's dialogue; "Someone’s coming" sounds kind of odd... I think something along the lines of this would sounds better; "Shit! Someone's coming." If I was about to get busted for trespassing, by a murderous butcher, I would be shi-tting myself.

Page 9 - Once again, Gav's dialogue; "Oh my god, you mean we just ate that woman" isn't extreme enough... If I had just eaten a person, I would say something like; "Holy shit! That means we just ate that women!"

Page 10 - Mozza's dialogue; "Move it" should be more extreme... "Fucking run!" Would ring more genuine.

Page 11- Russ' dialogue; "Come on them fuckwits!" - "Them" should be "then" mate.

Page 11- After The Butcher throws the cleaver at Mazza, you say it slices "a piece from his upper arm" - a piece of what?

Page 12- Gav's dialogue; "Oh my god! It gets worse. I’m definitely gonna be sick." doesn't sound right... I think it would be better if he found Susan's head and just gagged, or looked disgusted.

Page 12/13- The Butcher gets kicked in the groin, but nothing happens to Jess, who was cornering the lads with The Butcher. So how were the lads able to escape? I think it would have worked better if when Russ hurled the head at The Butcher, Mozza or Gav attacked Jess.

But yeah, congrats on this mate, it was a good read. Change the things I noted above, maybe trim the script down a little, then this will be a very nice little horror script. Well done mate.

Cheers, Toby.

Cheers for the read Toby and glad you enjoed it. Think I've changed most of the errors earlier but haven't re-submitted it yet. I was thinking of extended it actually but I have a few other scripts on the go and also I'm having a little break at the mo. Anywho, thanks again for the read, and your thoughts are appreciated greatly.

Hey Alffy,

I'm sure I owe you a read so I've dug up this old script from the archives.  I didn't read many posts so forgive me if I start repeating other points made.

I enjoyed this script as it went from drama to horror then a dash of quirky humour at the end.

I was wondering if the three lads were trainee chefs?

I kinda got the feeling that I was reading a long drawn out sketch from the League of Gentlemen, is this where you drew inspiration from?  It reminded me of the butcher:



I wouldn't use phrases like three local men or two local women as we would only assume these people are local within the village setting.

I think you could of put the pensioners in the butcher shop either at the front buying, as a result of tasting it in the pub or maybe as extra meat just piled up in a corner at the back.

I made some notes:

her long finger nails painted red. 2
3, ...beard hides hi's' features.
5 transfixed as the'y' devour their
6 A large crowd of village'r's queue
7 The large butcher stands, BUTCHER
10, I would capitalise the first letter of Butcher
12, We’ll (Well), now I know what a Bernard...
The names of Jess & Russ, one of these should be changed so as to not rhyme.

Overall, a good effort with a great ending.

All the best,


Javier