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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  The Wonderful Story of Henry Sugar Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Wonderful Story of Henry Sugar  (currently 4901 views)
Don
Posted: April 27th, 2008, 1:50pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Wonderful Story of Henry Sugar by Stephen Brown - Short - Henry Sugar is a wealthy and idle playboy, addicted to gambling. After reading about a man who could see without using his eyes, his life is changed for ever. Based on the short story by Roald Dahl. 14 pages - pdf, format


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stebrown
Posted: April 27th, 2008, 3:18pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Don, for putting this up I only sent it about an hour ago.

Let me know what you think people.

Ste


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Old Time Wesley
Posted: April 28th, 2008, 1:31pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
And it is such a wonderful story.


And that it was.

I don't think that the addiction to gambling really shines in the beginning stages of the story. Sure he loses some money but I don't feel he was addicted anymore than rich guys who play on Friday nights.

What happened in that year he took to perfect his "seeing" ability? Did all his friends abandon him? Did he just go about everyday life normal and work on it at night? Did he lock himself inside for a year and give it a run? I did not see an answer.

And the moral of the story is... Money cannot buy happiness.

The script is well written. The story is told good although I have not read the source material so I cannot compare. I would wager a guess that you probably went all out in an effort to use all of the source material.

Usually when I write reviews I can find stuff in the script that I did not like but really the only thing was when you transitioned from room - room and instead of using new scene headings just wrote the WINDOW or HALLWAY and so on and that may be the correct way to write but I have not seen that very often.

Good job and I hope you get more reads.


Practice safe lunch: Use a condiment.
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stebrown
Posted: April 28th, 2008, 2:07pm Report to Moderator
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Cheers Wesley, yeah I thought that final line might bite me in the bum if people didn't like the story haha. Pleased you did.

I haven't read the short story for around 12-15 years, so I don't know how close this is to it. It was one of my faves growing up and I found a general synopsis of it on the web somewhere, so I figure it is pretty close.

Henry is a guy that doesn't really have any friends. Sure he has aquaintances (sp?) but noone really that close. The year he takes out, he dedicated to learning this new skill.

With my scene headings I kind of just do that if it's in the same main location, but they're changing rooms or I'm trying to sneak a sly camera angle in. Hasn't been pointed out as incorrect before but hope it's clear enough during the read.

I know nothing can come of this without owning the rights to the story but anything that puts a spotlight on Roald Dahl is a worthwhile cause.

Thanks for the review fella.

Ste


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Dr. McPhearson
Posted: April 28th, 2008, 3:00pm Report to Moderator
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The moment I saw this title, I thought, Stephen, that you had stolen the title of Roald Dahl's story. That is, until I found out that this, in a form and fashion, is Roald Dahl's story. And as a fan of Mr. Dahl's work through-and-through, I was very intrigued by the idea of this adaptation.

Having not read this short story for quite some time, I'm not entirely sure how faithful this adaptation from book-to-script is. Nevertheless, I thought the set up was very nice.

I would like to know why Henry and Charles say one another's name every time they address each other. It was one of those miniscule details that edged on odd occasionally, but not enough to cause a fuss.

I've noticed that on many occasions you decided to go Coen-style and leave the INT. and EXT. out of the script completely. Personally, I've never had a problem with it. But the format Nazis around here may.

Honestly, I thought you did a great job. After reading this, it's a wonder that no one has attempted adapting Henry Sugar before. In fact, I believe it's one of the few Dahl stories that has been attempted. Until now, that is.

The main issue I have is that, for the longest, I was wondering what Mr Brown and John Winston's V.O.s had to do with the rest of the story. I believe that setting just a bit more up for those two in the beginning would not make their first V.O. so odd and out-of-place.

I did like your ending line, even if that is (again, I can't remember) or isn't the line Roald Dahl ended the story on as well.

Good effort, and I'm looking forward to your other work.


PLEASE review my first SimplyScripts submission....

Re-Right (short comedy)
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stebrown
Posted: April 28th, 2008, 3:34pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks doc, pleased you enjoyed it and you are like me a Dahl fan. It's part of a collection of short stories, I think called 'Henry Sugar and five others'....something like that anyway. It's more adult short stories than most of his more well known books.

For some reason I went all Oscar Wylde with the dialogue (not in quality, but in style) and I think that's why they refer to each other by name constantly. I think I just went for a group of people (cough cough Toffs) that believe they're very witty but are actually just (insert expletive). None of the dialogue was taken from the book - I haven't read it for ages and couldn't find a copy. This is the first one where I've actually done a treatment for and had all the scenes sketched out before starting to write it.

In the story, Dahl ends it by saying that Henry Sugar's accountant contacted him and asked him to tell the story. To try to fit that part in I had it so the accountant contacted me to write the screenplay - hence the John Winston/Mr Brown V.O's. I can see where you're coming from with it being a bit 'huh?' to begin with.

I still don't know about the INT./EXT. thing. The way I see it is if no time has passed and the main location hasn't changed then it's OK to do it. Might have to ask Sir Phil of Dogglebe to check it out.

Thanks again for your comments, it's appreciated.

Ste


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Dr. McPhearson
Posted: April 28th, 2008, 3:49pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from stebrown
Thanks doc, pleased you enjoyed it and you are like me a Dahl fan. It's part of a collection of short stories, I think called 'Henry Sugar and five others'....something like that anyway. It's more adult short stories than most of his more well known books.


Yes, I have the Roald Dahl anthology. I'm not sure if Sugar is in it or not, but I will definitely look.


Quoted Text
For some reason I went all Oscar Wylde with the dialogue (not in quality, but in style) and I think that's why they refer to each other by name constantly. I think I just went for a group of people (cough cough Toffs) that believe they're very witty but are actually just (insert expletive). None of the dialogue was taken from the book - I haven't read it for ages and couldn't find a copy. This is the first one where I've actually done a treatment for and had all the scenes sketched out before starting to write it.


Wilde, huh? I didn't pick up on that necessarily. But I'm impressed that you worked this straight from a synopsis. Also, I'm glad to hear the treatment process worked well for you. I never use it (I prefer the write it straight, then rewrite heavy), but it seems to have worked; this is your best work I've read thus far.


Quoted Text
In the story, Dahl ends it by saying that Henry Sugar's accountant contacted him and asked him to tell the story. To try to fit that part in I had it so the accountant contacted me to write the screenplay - hence the John Winston/Mr Brown V.O's. I can see where you're coming from with it being a bit 'huh?' to begin with.


Clever idea replacing Dahl's narrator with yourself. However, I still believe that the two narrators need a bit more of a set-up, even if it is a very small one.


Quoted Text
I still don't know about the INT./EXT. thing. The way I see it is if no time has passed and the main location hasn't changed then it's OK to do it. Might have to ask Sir Phil of Dogglebe to check it out.


Again, I'm not a stifler for those formatting rules. If it works, it works. In this case, it definitely fits just fine, without the INT., EXT., NIGHT, and DAYs sprinkled throughout.

And just so you'll know, there are a select few scripts that I actually save to my hardware, calling it my S.S. Archive. I only download my favorite scripts featured here into it, and this, Mr. Brown, is definitely among the group. Just thought you should know that; I really did enjoy it.



PLEASE review my first SimplyScripts submission....

Re-Right (short comedy)
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stebrown
Posted: April 29th, 2008, 5:18am Report to Moderator
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Thanks Doc, that's good to know.


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sniper
Posted: April 29th, 2008, 11:14am Report to Moderator
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Hey Ste,

Just finished the script and what a joy it was. Also, it was such a fast read - breezed right through it. I haven't read the story which the script is based on, so I can't comment on how well you did adaptation-wise. But as I read, like a stand-alone story, I thought it worked really well.

Your writing style seems to improve from script to script and this was very well written. The script was very rich on visuals, while not dwelling on details and I also liked how you managed to pull of the flashbacks along with the use of V.O.s.

The story in itself is sweet. Maybe a little too sweet. The main "crisis" lacked some "oomph" in my book. I agree with Wes that I did not see Henry as a gamling addict. To me he came off more as a guy he liked to lose actually (or at least was rather indifferent about it). I think it would benefit the script if you explore that area a bit more cos' it'll help set up the rest of the story better imo. The same thing goes for when Henry turns into the good samaritan, that also needs a bit more depth to work properly.


Quoted from Dr. McPhearson
In this case, it definitely fits just fine, without the INT., EXT., NIGHT, and DAYs sprinkled throughout.

The Doc is absolutely right. When it's painstakingly obvious that the new scene picks up from where the previous left of, there's really no need to overdo the format. Use it for clarity. Here it's very clear where we are and when. I'm sure someone would insist on using those term, even though it actually disrupts the flow of the script. I, like yourselves. wouldn't.

All in all a good read. but it could use a little tweaking.

Cheers
Rob


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stebrown
Posted: April 29th, 2008, 12:07pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Rob, thanks for the read. Pleased you liked it.

I got some advice from Shelton about how to best do the part where he's reading from the book, so got to give some props for that. Ha, did I say just say props?

I struggled alot with showing visually, how the money didn't matter anymore. Couldn't really think of anything apart from what I already did. I also didn't like the part with the beggar - it just seemed a bit too quick to me (again, couldn't think of a better way for it.)

A lot of gamblers, deep down don't want to win. They enjoy the feeling of losing everything they have - or at least I've come across a few people like that. I tried to get Henry to be one of those guys. I'm with you on feeling it needs to be expanded in certain places though.

Since reading The Screenwriters Bible I'm a bit more confident in writing, and changing little things. I actually enjoyed coming up with descriptions for this one, rather than being worried if it's unfilmable or should be more clear. I think it was you who pointed in me in the direction of that book, so cheers. (The montage on here, I based entirely off that book.)

Thanks again

Ste


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alffy
Posted: April 29th, 2008, 3:27pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Ste.

Like most I've not read the Dahl story so I don't know how close this is to the original short story.  I have to say though this was a great short.  It read quick and easy and the dialogue was spot on.  The feel was great, helpped by the descriptions, I could sense the grandure of Charles' house and the joy Henry felt as he shared his wealth.

I too wasn't sure about the V.O.'s from Brown and Winston as I wasn't sure who they were and what their role was, until the end of course but even then it seemed a bit strange to have the story told from the point of view of someone who we don't know until the end.  I thought perhaps Charles would have been better but then if that's how it is in the original then so be it.

The story is a wonderful story of a man who thinks he needs money but of course doesn't.  Of course you know that as you wrote it lol.

Overall Ste this was excellent and well worth the read.


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mcornetto
Posted: April 29th, 2008, 4:35pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Stephen,

I have read this story, not all that recently but recently enough that I remember it. I thought you stuck pretty close to the original material but I did have a few issues with it.

First, I thought you did not explore his gambling problem well enough. When he makes the decision to try and see through cards it should be the last ditch crazy decision of a man with a problem, a peniless.  Also, doesn't he go to india to try and find the swami?

Secondly, I thought the process of seeing through cards was much too easy.  In the book it was at least a third of the story.  I thought making it so simple for Henry to see through cards sacrificed a lot of the dramatic impact of the conclusion.

Otherwise, well done.
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stebrown
Posted: April 29th, 2008, 5:46pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Alffy and thanks Michael

Allfy, I was trying for a twist at the end that the whole story was being told to someone else. I probably didn't do that well, but there we go.

Michael, I haven't read it for ages, so I haven't stuck to the intricate parts of it simply because I can't remember them. I tried to get a hold of the book but couldn't so that's why I might have missed some parts. This is pretty much my perspective of the core of Dahl's story.

Can you remember the part where he sees the blood clot by the way, because that wasn't in the synopsis i read but i can remember it from the book.


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Pants
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I really enjoyed this. I don't know if I would consider Henry someone with a gambling problem. That's really the only negative thing I have to say about this. I really liked everything about this script. This is probably the best things that I've read from you so far. Good Job!!!
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stebrown
Posted: May 1st, 2008, 2:48pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Pants

Yeah, general view I've picked up is it should be longer and certain areas should be explored more.

I'll try and sort out the couple of problems and post a longer version.

Any other views, more than appreciated.

Ste


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