I thought this script was rushed.  Way too rushed.  A story like this should be written as a feature length script.  

You spend a few pages showing Henry as a bad gambler.
You spend a few pages showing Henry learning how to see through cards.
You spend a few pages showing Henry winning at cards.
You spend a few pages showing Henry becoming a generous guy.

You don't show any of these 'story parts' in any detail and, as a result, the story doesn't take off.  I don't feel anything for Henry.  While I know this is an adaptation of someone's story, I wonder what (if anything) you left out.  If there isn't anything else to the story, then I would suggest taking some liberties with it.


Phil

Cheers for your thoughts Phil

I'm going to have to rework this and show more about his gambling and how his addiction is leaving him broke.

I seem to have a problem building upto scenes and expanding on them. Whereas I don't know if this quite has the legs for a feature. Maybe 50-60 pages would be a better page length for it.

Fair points

Ste

After doing a bit of research I've found that the rights for the short story are owned by Random House - a pretty big publishers I think.

On their website it says;
For dramatic performance, film/television, translation, and reprint rights, please call the Random House general information number at 212/782-9000 and request to be connected to the subsidiary rights department of the specific imprint.

I have no idea how to call America, anyone know how to? I figure it's worth calling to ask...see how much the rights would be to buy.

Quoted from stebrown After doing a bit of research I've found that the rights for the short story are owned by Random House - a pretty big publishers I think. On their website it says; For dramatic performance, film/television, translation, and reprint rights, please call the Random House general information number at 212/782-9000 and request to be connected to the subsidiary rights department of the specific imprint. I have no idea how to call America, anyone know how to? I figure it's worth calling to ask...see how much the rights would be to buy.

I think if you buy a calling card it has directions on how to make international calls. That way it also doesn't show up on your phone bill.

Thanks Pants, I've found their email address now so I've tried that. My question of how to dial America probably sounded really thick haha but I get confused by telephone numbers from foreign countries.

Got no idea how much it'd be to buy the rights - hundreds? thousands? who knows...also don't know if they would want to see what I have planned or if they don't sell rights to just anyone. Guess the only way to find out is to ask them.

Ste

Keep in mind also that Random House is becoming very involved with Focus Features from time to time (I want to say that Random House has their own production company, but that might be a stretch of the imagination.)

Keep in mind, work up your own script. I bring to the forefront the story of Peter Jackson. I don't believe he owned the rights to the Lord of the Rings trilogy; when he went from studio to studio, all of whom rejected his offer, he said that he would go to one more studio (New Line), and if they rejected it too, he would hand off his scripts for absolutely no charge whatsoever, and never look back. Well, we all know how that turned out. New Line liked his idea, and now they have tons of Oscars for it.

Many people actually have used adaptations (of which they didn't have the rights to at the time) as calling cards. If anything else, they might see this Stephen, and give you a whole new project altogether.

Of course this is all speculation, of all which can be summed up like this: Go for it.

I wasn't aware of that Doc, about Peter Jackson. I always thought that he was approached - I preferred his earlier stuff anyway. It's a good story to give me a bit of confidence though.

I'll take your advice on board and expand this anyway. I enjoyed writing what I have so far, so once I've re-read the book and maybe add things myself I'm sure I'll enjoy it even more.

Just finished reading this one, Stephen. I’m not familiar with the original material, so take my comments with a grain of salt.

The premise is interesting and so is the main character. Overall, I liked this. But I think there’s room for improvement.

The execution felt a bit rushed. The protagonist goes through a lot of changes in very few pages. I think you need to spend some more time in the most dramatic beats and emphasize (visually) Henry’s inner demons.

An example: After becoming rich, in the café scene, suddenly Henry says he feels empty, sees a beggar outside, hands him money. An in the next scene he’s giving away money and feeling great. It’s an interesting journey going from happy-rich to empty-rich to generous-rich, but you need to take your time with these changes.

Instead of having Henry telling Charles that he feels empty, you could write a bunch of scenes to dramatize and show he feels like that despite being filthy rich.

Same with his gambling problem. You could write a couple of scenes to dramatize how his gambling addiction is ruining his life.

The scope of this story is quite big. Lots of things happen and a lot of time goes by. I think that only a feature length could do justice to this premise.

The major dramatic question (and protagonist’s goal) shifts quite a lot here. Will Henry overcome his gambling problem? Will Henry learn how to see through cards? Will Henry find fulfillment in charity? The premise, IMO, is too complex to spawn a “commercial” plot-driven feature that would sell on spec.

But I think that it could work as the type of character driven drama that you usually see going through the Indie circuit. Of course, you should acquire the rights to the story before investing a serious amount of time in it. Unless you just wanna get some practice.

I wish you good luck with this.

Thanks Z, appreciate your comments.

I've re-read it a few times now and have to agree with the 'rushed' comments. I spent time planning it out and actually in the writing, but yeah the shift in character is too quick. I think it had a lot to do with not reading the book for a long time and thinking that people might just pass it off as fan-fiction and not read it.

I'm getting a feeling that this might work best as a play to be honest, but as I have no idea how to write a play I'll forget about that.

I should be getting the book in the next couple of days, and I plan to start over with this after reading it. I have no idea how much the rights to a short story would cost but I'm making enquiries. If it's in the hundreds I might give it a shot but any more and I'll just have to use it as practise and maybe look around for competitions -- depending if the finished product is any good.

Ste

I've heard back from Random House. The rights are owned by an agent in London. He's just replied to my email saying that the rights are unavailable, so doesn't look like I'll do a feature of this. Don't really understand how they can be unavailable as I'm sure if I offered him £1,000,000 he'd sell them to me, but there we go.

Hopefully someone has already decided to turn this into a movie.

Ah, that's a shame. Sorry to hear that. I too have been told before that the rights to so-and-so book are "unavailable," and I have no idea what that means. I can only assume that someone is optioning it already.

Either way, I think you have a really interesting start with this script. If you plan on a second draft after this, I can't wait to read it.

Thanks Doc, yeah it's a bit gutting but I've asked him to let me know if the situation changes in the future.

After reading the story I'm surprised at how close this was to it. I made up the beggar part (he only throws the money away from his balcony) and there was a lot more to the book that he reads than what I put in here.

I got a lot of ideas about good scenes for the start now, but I'm in two minds about writing the feature. Will probably decide over the next week.

Stephen,

I have never read the original... so, this is an original review. haha

I thought this was impeccably (sp) written. Very nice.

Story wise....

I thought it was slow moving in the beginning. In a short piece like this you need to get to the first point of interest on the first page....

I liked the main part of the story except for a few things.

I could tell right away that Henry was going to be making oodles of cash eventually.

My biggest problem however was Henry giving away all the money! Why? There's no honor (IMHO) giving away money unless it is anonymously. Otherwise it comes off all wrong. Arrogant, buying friends, buying fame...what ever.

I'm curious how close this is to the original story and why you didn't write your own?

Regardless, the writing and format was GREAT!

Quoted from Grandma Bear I could tell right away that Henry was going to be making oodles of cash eventually.

That's a good point, Me. It would be more engaging if we actually wondered whether our "hero" could really pull it off. That's why I hate the character of Superman so much... unless it's a bucket of kryptonite, there's NO doubt that he'll come out on top.

Thanks Pia, pleased you liked the writing.

It's a story I wanted to adapt since starting to write screenplays (not saying much, only been writing since Christmas). Just because it's a story I really liked growing up. It's pretty close to the actual story - I hadn't read it for a fair few years before doing this, but have bought the book since. The only thing that happens in the book that I missed really was the show of his gambling habit and the difficulty he has in aquiring the skill. In order for this to work in a casino, he has to be able to see through a card in 4 seconds or less. It takes him years to bring it down from 10 seconds.

I've been talking to the person who owns the rights and he says that even if they were available - which they aren't - he would only consider 'a very generous offer from an experienced director/writer or large production company'. So this just stays as a writing exercise - which I did enjoy.