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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short  ›  No Place Like Home Moderators: bert
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SimplyScripts
Posted: June 24th, 2008, 2:21pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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No Place Like Home by Bryan Mora - Short - A gay man struggles with his confidence and sense of self in the world, especially at the scene of his high school reunion. 18 pages - pdf, format


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BryMo
Posted: June 24th, 2008, 6:51pm Report to Moderator
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Thanx Don for posting! I'm really interested in hearing what someone would have thought about this. This is probably my first dialogue driven piece.

I have some ideas on what should or should not change..but really i need some confirmation.

Happy reading.


Shorts:
Good Golly Miss Molly
No Place Like Home
New Moon Rising
Yuno - BRAND-*SPANKIN*-NEW!
The Ballad of Uncle Sam: An Anarchists Melody
Toy Soldier
This Modern Love
A Virgin State of Mind

A GUIDE TO MY LITERARY BABIES
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stebrown
Posted: June 25th, 2008, 8:54am Report to Moderator
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Hey Bry, just read this.

The dialogue in this is very very well done, at times brilliant in the wit. I think it was a very well written short.

You should introduce Scotty by name straight away in his description, and definately don't change his name in the dialogue heading - that's a big no-no.

Scotty's reaction was a bit of a puzzle - he's gay too, yeah? - wasn't too clear about that.

A couple of spelling mistakes and some lines of action that you should write as 'he stands in queue' instead of 'he is standing in queue' etc. Apart from that though, like I said, very well done and very funny dialogue. Good characters,

Ste


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BryMo
Posted: June 25th, 2008, 9:40pm Report to Moderator
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Thats so great to hear! Thanks a lot SteBrown! At first i was hesitant to write this..but after a while i fell in love with the characters for different reasons and decided to march on. So glad i did.


Shorts:
Good Golly Miss Molly
No Place Like Home
New Moon Rising
Yuno - BRAND-*SPANKIN*-NEW!
The Ballad of Uncle Sam: An Anarchists Melody
Toy Soldier
This Modern Love
A Virgin State of Mind

A GUIDE TO MY LITERARY BABIES
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MobstaMan56
Posted: June 26th, 2008, 12:42pm Report to Moderator
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it's unlocked!!!!!!!

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I just finished reading your script. I really liked it. I found myself grinning a lot, and then I even burst out laughing at one part, and the girl who sits next to me at work looked at me like I was crazy. It's a touching story that revolves around charcters and I think those are always the best kinds of stories.
I did notice one thing at the end, though. When they are outside and Brad gives Patrick a hug, it says "Keith breathes him in..."   I think you maybe forgot to change that name to Patrick? Just a thought. I really liked it, though.

I am an amateur filmmaker, (independant of course) and am looking for stuff to shoot. Would you be interested in it being made? It would of course be on an amateur level and I probably couldn't pay you anything substantial, but just let me know what you think. I go to Columbia College in Chicago.
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BryMo
Posted: June 26th, 2008, 2:15pm Report to Moderator
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Hey thanks MobstaMan! This so great to hear, becuase of how scared i was writing it. I dont know why. Just not anything my family would approve. But yeah a friend noticed the Keith thing too. In an early draft i had him named Keith....i must've missed that completely.

I'm honored you want to have it made. But really I'll have to get back to you in a few days. Thanks for your interest.


Shorts:
Good Golly Miss Molly
No Place Like Home
New Moon Rising
Yuno - BRAND-*SPANKIN*-NEW!
The Ballad of Uncle Sam: An Anarchists Melody
Toy Soldier
This Modern Love
A Virgin State of Mind

A GUIDE TO MY LITERARY BABIES
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mcornetto
Posted: November 9th, 2008, 12:21am Report to Moderator
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Nicely done Bryan.  You handled that story like a champ.  The dialogue was good and I got into the characters.  I did notice a couple of typos, just a couple small ones.  About the only comment I had was that when Patrick first met Scotty I thought he should have reacted a bit more, just something to stress the importance of the situation.  Otherwise good job.  
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Tommyp
Posted: November 9th, 2008, 4:36am Report to Moderator
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Continuity Is For Pussies...

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Yo Yo Bryan. Cool script! Some great characters there... the difference between Patrick and Brad was substantial. They worked well together.

I would have liked more comments about other people that were there that went to the school. Also, I'm not sure if the dance was needed.

The last line I think should be changed. Even to "s***". It's a bit too crude how it is I think.

Ummm, what else can I say?! It was a good read. Really funny, clever dialogue. Well done.


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BryMo
Posted: November 10th, 2008, 12:46pm Report to Moderator
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I thought this script was hidden in the backlots of short script land...good to see someone wiped the cobwebs off-

Mcornetto and Tommyp,

Thanks for taking time to read, and i'm mighty glad you two enjoyed it. **Sigh** still waiting for it to be made.... i fear it won't happen.



Shorts:
Good Golly Miss Molly
No Place Like Home
New Moon Rising
Yuno - BRAND-*SPANKIN*-NEW!
The Ballad of Uncle Sam: An Anarchists Melody
Toy Soldier
This Modern Love
A Virgin State of Mind

A GUIDE TO MY LITERARY BABIES
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Toby_E
Posted: November 10th, 2008, 1:15pm Report to Moderator
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Okay. I read this script, and really enjoyed it. Dialogue, as noted by other reviewers flowed well, and felt natural. The differences between Patrick and Brad created good conflict. I really don't see much else for me to say... apart from noting a few typos, and minor problems with certain dialogue. I have pointed out/ made suggestions below.

Page 6- "Better" doesn't need to be capatalised.
Page 7- "Seeing" doesn't need to be capatalised.
Page 9- Brad's first dialogue on that page doesn't sound right... I can't put my finger on it, but it doesn't flow to well. Would probably sound better if it went "No, youíre not. You know, sometimes I wonder if you're on my side, or not. Iím saying like if I fell off a cliff, wouldnít you be choking with tears and want to follow behind me." That would flow a better. Its the second sentence from the dialogue that messes it up...
Page 9- "Off" doesn't need a capital letter...
Page 10- "Well if youíre really thirsty, somehow youíll fine your way to the punch bowl." - Needs to be "find", not "fine".
Page 10- "Thatís why we where these." - Needs to be "wear", instead of "where".
Page 15- "One guy"- One doesn't need a capital letter...
Page 15- "Pretty much"- Pretty doesn't need a... yep, you guessed it. A capital letter.
Page 17- "Brad leans into him, and they embrace. Keith breathes Brad in..." - Who the hell is Keith?
Page 17- "It looked strikingly similar like my muscles." That doesn't sound right... "It looked strikingly similar to my muscles" sounds better.

Also, what software are you using to type scripts in? Because the format looked a little off... I have a feeling you are using Word (which would explain why some words have an incorrect capital letter, when starting a new line). If you are using Word, I suggest using a professional script-writing software, such as Final Draft.

But overall, this was a good little script. I enjoyed it a lot. Just fix out those typos I mentioned above, and it will be pretty damn polished.

Cheers, Toby.


Here is some of my latest writing:

Dead Waters -- Thriller


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BryMo
Posted: November 14th, 2008, 11:09pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Toby for being so Thorough and painstakingly meticulous. You have a  great eye and Iím glad you pointed everything out!

Now I can fix it and leave it be! What more can I do with my baby, I donít know.

-Bryan.


Shorts:
Good Golly Miss Molly
No Place Like Home
New Moon Rising
Yuno - BRAND-*SPANKIN*-NEW!
The Ballad of Uncle Sam: An Anarchists Melody
Toy Soldier
This Modern Love
A Virgin State of Mind

A GUIDE TO MY LITERARY BABIES
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BryMo
Posted: August 6th, 2009, 6:04pm Report to Moderator
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Hey guys!

Just a quick update. It seemed for awhile this short was in limbo and I thought it'd never be produced. The producer didnít have the funds to film, but after some time heís somehow found a way. And he seems to be legit, considering weíve kept in contact for a year. So while it may not be shot yet, just wanted to share the news.

!!


Shorts:
Good Golly Miss Molly
No Place Like Home
New Moon Rising
Yuno - BRAND-*SPANKIN*-NEW!
The Ballad of Uncle Sam: An Anarchists Melody
Toy Soldier
This Modern Love
A Virgin State of Mind

A GUIDE TO MY LITERARY BABIES
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