Hey Ste,

The tone in this story and the plot (to a certain extent) reminded me somewhat of "Things To Do In Denver When You're Dead". I'm not really big on the whole noir genre - they're just too slow for me (I get impatient unhealthily easy).

This script though...man, I almost said something nice there but sorry, Ste, I just didn't like it. I found it to be too straight forward in a sense. It starts out with Terrence in trouble and it ends with Terrence in much worse trouble (dead). Imo. something is missing to complete the story. I personally thought that what he did - helping his daughter - would be a "normal" thing to do under the circumstances. That's also the reason why I didn't really get the OOOOH moment from this story. Had Terrence had a big argument with Clementine about how he didn't want her to marry Sam, then - him helping her out - would be much more powerful imo. Now it's basically just...yeah, big deal, so what.

The VOs works but they're redundant. The story actually works fine without them. Try skipping the VOs and you'll see that the story is still very clearly told through the visuals.

I guess the writing is fine I guess, and while agree with Mark that there's been a huge improvement from your first script to this one, I feel - after having read most of your scripts - that your writing is stagnating a bit. Does that sound too weird?

Cheers
Rob

Hey Mark, good to see ya back. Was wondering where you'd got to.

Yeah, I've been grafting away with the old writing. Still learning but glad you see an improvement. Look forward to seeing some new scripts from you.

I like your idea about seeing the other end of the phonecall. He could have sold Terrance out or Donatoni could have had his spies checking him out. I see where the story could be improved though, but....who said it wasn't Clementine's Mom? haha

Cam

Yeah the end needs a little work, mainly to bring Clementine back into it. I'm really wanting a depressing ending though, so maybe have Clementine be the one who sells out her Dad? That sounds rather mental.

Thanks for the reads/

Hey Rob, so I take it you didn't really like this one? Fair play.

As far as my understanding of Noir goes, the protagonist starts off in a bad situation and by the end of the story is in a worse situation. The V.O is mainly to go for a very old school sort of Private Eye type film. Never wrote anything like that so, as I said earlier, it was kind of just a writing exercise for myself. But it grew on me so decided to tidy it up and post it. Fair play if Noir isn't your bag though.

The stagnating comment...well, maybe I'm writing too many shorts. I set myself a target after a couple of months of this to finish my first feature by the end of the year. I'm clearly going to miss that target but I'm concentrating more on a couple of feature treatments and my adaptation, rather than shorts at the moment.

I have noticed you reading the majority of my scripts though, and I appreciate it. Your comments are well and truly on board.

Ta

Hey, excellent work on the script - you've managed to turn a not so interesting story into something... well, more interesting
Dialogue is good, and I enjoy the descriptions - really conveyed the story to me, gave it a somewhat 'Sin City' style atmosphere (that's what I got out of it anyway)
I agree with Toby's suggestion on how to make the plot point a little more explicit, but hey thats up to you.
Anyways, I liked it... can't wait to read some of your other works,
muchlove, Jayden

I like the general idea of this one and damned if it ain't got style but I've got serious problems with the whole confrontation between Clementine and Sam. Seriously. Is this guy retarded? Why would he think to cheat on their honeymoon where he's in constant proximity with his new wife. Obviously, he wasn't able to pull it off but more importantly, I have issues with him thinking he could. If he were to try it in somewhere on the wedding grounds before he actually gets to see his wife, it would make a lot more sense.

Even so, the escalation of conflict doesn't really work for me. She slaps him. He slaps her back... as if she's done something wrong. It doesn't make much sense to me. I think it would work better if Clementine's attack was a little more violent and he had to up the anti by acting in self defense. I don't think she would have been able to stomp him to death, even in high heels. If she hit him with some kind of object, I think it would make more sense.

Like I said, I like the overall setup. Everything else with Terrence and the thugs works perfectly. It's just this one section of the plot that I think needs attention.

Hope this helps.

Quoted from stebrown ...well, maybe I'm writing too many shorts.

I don't think you're writing too many, Ste, but sometimes quality has to outweigh quantity. I'm actually really impressed with guys like you who can write that many scripts (I simply don't have the good an imagination). I'm averaging three scripts a year, though I suspect - focusing entirely on features from now on - that that will be cut down to one.

Thanks for the reads.

Jayden, cheers for the comparison. I had black n white in mind when writing it, so yeah a kind of Sin City feel. Loved that film anyways.

James, I see what you're saying but Sam is supposed to be an arrogant prick. He's a spoilt rich kid because of his dad's power and wealth. Nobody's ever told him 'no' or corrected him for his mistakes. That's why he cheats in a really stupid way and then acts as if Clementine's done something wrong by slapping him. I do see what you're saying though, I think with an extension it would clear that scene up a little.

Rob, I hear ya. I'm writing a short a month with moviepoet now, so that's pretty much all I have time for, what with trying to write a feature. This script was written about three months ago, but then I did another draft and submitted it. I'm slowly trying to learn the meaning of the word 'patience' when it comes to writing.

Stephen,

you have a great writing style. I know I've said it before, but when you hear it more than once you need to start thinking there might be something to it.

This one sort of felt like a MP script that went longer than the 5 pages. Was it an entry there?

On to the story...

You start this without specifying where in time we are. That usually means we assume it's the present, but the script ends with something totally different specifically mentioned to be in the present. I think you need to clarify where in time we are in the first scene heading so this doesn't make things so confusing.

I liked that Clementine killed rather than the guy which seems to be more like the norm. Sam was an ass IMO so I was with Clementine for sure.

altar not alter    second time I had to comment on that word in 24hrs!

Over all I think you did well with this.

You're doing well Stephen and I like your SS entry!  

Thanks Pia, I have two oldish scripts having recent bump ups now

This one was another experiment. Mainly, I wanted to try an out and out Noir script. I also wanted to try telling the whole story through a flashback, with a VO. It was a good thing to try and for what it is I quite like this one. The ending could have maybe done with something else, not sure what.

This was just for myself, not an entry for MP. I think it was around the time of the backwards scripts though, so that probably led to the initial idea.

I appreciate your compliments about my writing style, a few others have said the same. I think that's just my natural style as I have never really changed it. I'm trying to push on this year so I have a better chance at doing that MA in Creative Writing next summer. Going to be doing a ten-week course in a couple of months so hopefully you'll spot more improvement.

Ste

P.S. Thanks for taking a look at my episode. I'm about finished the first act now but the treatment is complete, so should be finished by the middle-end of next week.