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Hey Bryan, I read this but actually have hardly anything to say. Which is a good thing, because it means I liked it.
The debt to Juno is obvious, but that doesn't actually diminish this in any way. I loved Juno, so I was bound to like this. And I did. Your dialogue has the same snappy, pop-culture quality as Diablo Cody's, great work there. The line, "It's the juggernaut!" was my favourite. The teen pregnancy plot is, of course, a tribute as well. But this had a really nice self-contained quality to it. And the ending, them walking away, singing, having had their fun, was great.
I actually like the characters you've created here. I know Yuno and Kayla are pretty much alternate versions of Juno and Leah, but you write very well for them. What I'd love to see is you put these two in a story of your own making (I know no cars are trashed in Juno, but still...). Slap different names on 'em, and let them loose.
I'm not a fan of Juno (that's actually putting it nicely - I strongly disliked the film), but I loved your short about the other teenage pregnancy - "A Virgin State of Mind", or something, right? Well yeah, I loved that short, it was amazing... So I was keen to see you taking a lighter approach to the same topic matter.
Lol, on page 6 you actually call Yuno, Juno
Ahh, the first scene was too long... Way too long. It was a 'talking-heads' scene, which everyone seems to be going on about lately. I don't necessarly hate 'talking-head' scenes, but I do when I can't stand the Juno-influenced dialogue... Sure, it was cute, and quirky... But the dialogue just doesn't do it for me. Trim that scene down... I see no real reasons for the first scene to be longer than 5 pages... You could get the scene and the quirkyness of the scene across a lot quicker than you did here.
Ahhhhhhhhh another really long scene... I always thought my attention span was pretty good, but I had real difficulty maintaining concentration for the scenes you wrote... There is too much dialogue, and not enough action for my liking...
I actually liked the idea of the script man, I liked the car trashing part, and I think if the script was a little more unique (ie, a little less like a film I HATE!!) and flowed a bit better, I would have enjoyed it. I like your writing, you've got talent... Shame I dislike Juno and all its da-mn quirkyness.
I echo what Toby said above, the opening scene is too long & people are gonna check you up over it. Personally I didn't think it dragged as your dialogue is clever in places. There are some good one liners in there.
While I didn't mind Juno I can totally understand why it would irritate people, so when I got that this was a thinly veiled homage to it, I began to worry...but I think you done a good job in what you were going for.
At 19 pages however you could probably cut down your two existing scenes by half and add more of a back story thru flashbacks or whatever, just to make it a more diverse read if anything. Maybe include some scenes with the father, as we are only getting one side of the story as it is.
The debt to Juno is obvious, but that doesn't actually diminish this in any way. I loved Juno, so I was bound to like this. And I did. Your dialogue has the same snappy, pop-culture quality as Diablo Cody's, great work there.
I'm here all day, keep the praise comin. JK.
But seriosuly, no doubt that this is all Juno all the way. But I also put efforts to incorporate myself into it. After the bus scene while Yuno and Kayla walk, I actually mention the movie *Juno* when Kayla tries to establish her own set of slang. (ie teen speak)
I actually like the characters you've created here. I know Yuno and Kayla are pretty much alternate versions of Juno and Leah, but you write very well for them. What I'd love to see is you put these two in a story of your own making.
Funny enough, I did want to put energy into a feature, where it was a completely dissimilar world and Yuno had her own issues. But ultimately I don’t think it would sell- and ultimately that’s my goal now. I’m tired of writing for the “delight” of it now. Although I do luv me some time to write.
This was just homage. Nothing I expect to be made.
Anway thanks for the kind words man, I value your opinion.
Ahhh!!! Page 6! Mother f***! d*rn Juno and her happy-rampage.
So, thanks for enduring these 20 or so pages of my eccentrics. Means a lot.
And THANKS on the kudos for "A Virgin State of Mind."
I actually agree when you and Toby stated how both scenes drag a little. But I don’t actually think anybody would want to produce this. Seriously. The chances of that…seem dodgy.
For me Yuno was a writing exercise. See if I could keep up and stay in tune with the “hip and trendy crowd.”
So mission accomlished(i guess)! I pat my self on the back, causeBryan's still got it. LOL.
Take care guys.
Shorts: Good Golly Miss Molly No Place Like Home New Moon Rising Yuno - BRAND-*SPANKIN*-NEW! The Ballad of Uncle Sam: An Anarchists Melody Toy Soldier This Modern Love A Virgin State of Mind
First thing first. Thanks for all the reads, much appreciated.
I'm going to have to come back tomorrow night and edit this comment as I'm knackered.
What I can say is that you've created two similar characters. But the personalities are something I've never witnessed before in real life. Would Paris Hilton be a fair comparison?
I kept on thinking, can people like this exist? They sound so annoying I'd want to smack them in the face. Not literally of course.
All the best,
My notes are as follows:
Page 1 - Start with the slug,
INT. BUS - DAY, the line 'In a local bus' isn't needed as I've been given the heads up already.
I really don't think you should name her character traits but rather tell the story and her nuttiness will surface.
Drop it and the very beginning. Tell me what Yuno sees.
Yuno's mind wanders, stares outside at the passing scenery. The bus’ windows, each a picture frame, captures the colonial style homes which the bus passes.
Start with YUNO McDUFF, 16,... like you did with Kayla.
When you write: Note her killer style ensemble of plastic pink earrings etc... It's very opinionated. Killer style? Really? She wears pink plastic earrings.
What’s cool in one country, place etc.. Might not be elsewhere. I won’t ever go near Burberry here because of the Chavs. The foreigners love it, I don’t. It might be killer to them but to me, it’s been cheapened.
You should number your pages. What software do you use?
Bottom of page 2, don’t underline words.
Top of page 3, Ederly Woman should be Elderly Lady, and then repeated on page nine as Elderly Lady turns her...
Bottom of page 3, capitalize ‘Y’uno.
It takes to the beginning of page four to start to get somewhere. I think you can cut a lot of the banter from the script.
You shouldn’t capitalize HAVE.
What’s with writing (then)?
Near the top of page six, you write ‘J’uno instead of Yuno.
You shouldn’t capitalize dialogue. Maybe I’m in the wrong here, but a whole paragraph? That’s enough to unsettle anyone.
‘Word vomit’ nice wording. My version is verbal diarrhoea.
You put friggin in italics and bold. This was an eyesore.
At page seven and I have no idea where this is going.
Your character’s minds wander and their dialogue spews in so many directions. It has already made my mind wander too.
Top of page nine, go with the Maury Povitch in the description.
I could go on and on. I’ll leave it at that. In my opinion, it could do with a rewrite. You can cut back on a lot of dialogue. You need to get to the story quicker. For long stretches it sounded like word vomit as nicely said by Yuno.
Overall, this story isn’t for me. As for your format, don’t write your words in capitals, bold, underlined and if you’re using italics, I believe these are used for singing. Mike Shelton’s 88 Keys is a good example of this.
Yeah like the world needs another Juno rip-off. Hey! hang on a minute. Something fishy going on with this script. Sassy Asian teen -a minority as the main actor. F**king awful pop nonsense dialouge that is so bad that it must have been intentional. trash a car. This is parody right? It has to be. A kick to the balls of the other movie Juno?
Juno was a cute movie. Yuno is okay but I can't stand that horrible teen talk. I've never heard a teen talk like that. Never, the majority are to braindead. Most adults i know don't talk like that.
It made Yuno and Kayla very unpleasent in there glib wise arse talk that I just wished that fat brother was so fat that the momentum of his charge made him run down the girls, grab them and banged their heads together.
I think you have exaggerated pop talk and made it so unbearable to make a point. yes?
Wow- I had never known Juno to be so hated among people (or is it just writers?) LOL. Poor Diablo, wonder how people will handle her next film "Jennifer's Body."
Anyway, tonka, yeah as you noted yourself, it is a parody of Juno. I mean, obviously.
However, the purpose behind creating Yuno was to TRY and see if i could expand myself into that type of thinking if it ever came to that. Take a shot Try new genres, ya know. If you look at my track record and the list of scripts i've written. They're probably ALL different from one another.