Hey JonnyBoy,

This is very surreal and strange, but unfortunately, it didn't quite work for me. At the end, it left me confused.

The problem is that for 4/5 of the script, nothing really happens. Mike came home and he went to different places around town: a park, a coffee shop, a cemetery, his house, etc. This feels like a sightseeing tour. A not very interesting one.

I suggest cutting some of the details in those scenes, so that you can push the read up faster. Don't need the INDIAN MAN or the WOMAN in the park. By the way, who's the "C" in the engraving? And when you wrote the woman didn't see Mike, I thought Mike was a ghost.

Now, when Mike finally opens the letter, that scene had some emotional weight. And things start to clear up. But then the BOY appears again which made it very confusing. So is Mike a ghost afterall? And did he really kill his mother?

Very interesting visuals, but I had a hard time discerning the different plot points.


Herman

After reading one bad script after another on this site, this was refreshing.  Oustanding job.  I'd like to direct a few posters over here and say "See?  This is how you do it."

The ambiguity of the end is killing me (no pun intended).  That should be a testament to how much I liked the story.

Hey Jon,

This was very well written.  Such a sad and gloomy piece, but very good.  I love stories that provoke thinking.

I only had one real gripe with it.  I didn't like when Young Mike called his olderself a murderer.  I think it kind of threw a wrench into the gears of the story.  In fact, I think the whole idea of Mike's seeing a younger vision of himself detracts from the story.  You can lose all the visions of the child Mike without losing any of the depression or power of the film.

And, it won't make it seem so confusing at the end.  When Young Mike called Big Mike a 'murderer', it made it seem like Mike snuck into town before and killed his mother.  I think that's a bad idea to take from an otherwise beautifully depressing story.

This was definately worth the read, though, and I enjoyed it.

-  Mark

Hi
Firstly, i loved this piece.  It's one of the best script i have read on this site thus far.

This may seem like a massive coincidence but i was just about to post a comment more or less identical to Mark but he pipped me to the post.  So i more or less echo his post.
The supernatural "murderer" moments felt somewhat jarring to the more subtle, natural feel created in the rest of the story.  Although it does add a certain dramatic impact to the ending, and leads us down a more serious and sinister line of questioning. So i'm in two minds.

But a great piece,
Leon

Four new reads! Nice to see this still getting some attention - thanks to all of you.

One general point that more than one person raised, so I'll answer it in one go: as I say, this isn't the original version of the script. I added the new 'ghost Young Mike' element to it in order to give it an extra something for a contest, which also required the script to have one word of dialogue. I've actually decided that wasn't a good move, and Young Mike has been removed once again for the third draft, which I've uploaded to Don. I agree that it distracts from the tone and mood of the original story (such as it is).

Now, briefly...

Coding: as it currently stands, it is a little confusing. As I say, the new draft (which is actually a lot closer to the original) should clear that up. Thanks for the read.

Yosef: all I can say is...thanks very much! Appreciate your comments, and the read. You put a smile on my face there.

Mark: yeah, after weighing it up, I don't like that moment either. As I say, it was an attempt to make it competition-entry-material that probably doesn't really work. It's gone, and I've reverted back to the original quiet gloom and guilt. So we're in a similar mind there. Thanks for the read.

Leon: yeah, I was in two minds too. In the end it's gone, though. Thanks for the read.

I'll try and track down scripts from you lot, and return the favour. Thanks for looking, and for making me remember to submit a new draft!

So anyone checking this thread out and thinking, "Oh, maybe I'll give it a read, it's only short" - hold that thought, 'cos there's a new draft on the way!