SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 19th, 2024, 6:16am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Do You Have A Clubcard? Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 8 Guests

 Pages: « 1, 2, 3, 4 : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Do You Have A Clubcard?  (currently 5872 views)
Colkurtz8
Posted: December 8th, 2009, 11:22am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
--> Over There
Posts
1731
Posts Per Day
0.31
Ajr...

Thank you for the read, I'm pleased you were able to get through it without it dragging too much.

Yeah, I'm always trying to trim back the descriptive. I've been fortunate in having received a lot of sound advice from people here before and since posting it, which I have implemented over time to help improve it...hopefully.

I’m not sure what you men about Thomas's character and hoping he would say something political. Did you want him to be deeper, multi-dimensional, reveal something more about him other then his cynicism? I agree, he is rather one sided but like you say, one only has a limited time to set a character up. I had originally intended this to be no more than 25-30 max but I got carried away and this was without ever really delving into Thomas as an individual, outside of his job.

I wanted him to be a "he is what he is", "not much more to him then meets the eye" kind of guy.  He's just a pissed off supermarket employee, who, through a very random & ridiculous way, has attracted a girl way out of his league which in the end he simply can't handle. He's In way over his head and knows it but continues anyway for the obvious carnal impulses, men’s basic urges and all that.

I figured his personality and relations with other characters; the banter with Bill, the altercations with Mr. Reeve would go in tandem with the tone and direction of the piece. Having him veer off into an unrelated matter might disrupt the flow of the piece and contradict Thomas’s persona. Not a given, I know but I wanted to keep it focused, I will be the first to champion the occasional off-plot strand of conversation in a script a long a sits entertaining and in a secondary way helps us understand the character more. It’s what the too often cited (and I realise the irony here) QT built his reputation with in is first two film.

"Also the ending - it seems that Thomas is now nothing but resigned."

-- Again, this is something I wanted, he's a defeated man, a guy whose learned a lesson. Been through the wars so to speak, its understandable that’s his libido has taken a dip after what’s happened, doesn’t want anything to do with hot, fetished, sexed up, imposing woman for the time being. Others have commented on Thomas's resignation but I see it as staying true to his lay about, careless attitude along with the experience he’s just had..

"and the audience is left with the sense that the cycle may start up again."

-- While I can appreciate the merits of this cyclical impression to leave on the audience, it’s definitely not something I wanted. People watch enough of those mindless, painfully repetitious, round in circle soaps without this conforming to it. Some have suggested this could be expanded into a series, something episodic, as it has that sort of sitcom feel to it and while I've mixed feeling over that opinion, I will admit I got that feeling too while writing it. But I see it as a story within itself, no indication of continuation, that’s it. In other words, to quote Dylan "beyond here lies nothin'"


Anyway enough of my raving, thanks again for taking this on, and leaving intelligent and thoughtful remarks, I owe you a read, bud. If there is anything you've done that you'd like me to take a look at, just ask.

Col.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 45 - 53
ajr
Posted: December 8th, 2009, 12:05pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1482
Posts Per Day
0.28
Colkurtz,

Agreed that the piece is very good as it stands, and of course with a higher level of material all we can bring you are nuances.  As I read Thomas' character I kept thinking "intelligent underachiever", which I guess is what Kevin Smith was going for (and, at least in my mind, achieved only in part) with "Clerks".

That said, there's not much you can do in that area at all if you whittle down to near 30 pages.  I'd be curious to see what something like this looks like at 60 pages?

Unfortunately all I have up at the moment is a feature in the comedy section (Grand Avenue), though I should have a short posted any day now.  It's in the "comedy lab" and so far I've re-written up to page 15 and ditched the POV opening. Still be interested to see if a good writer thinks there's enough "funny" in it though.

Let me know if you have a full-length script posted because I'd like to work that into my weekend schedule.

AJR


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 46 - 53
JBrow
Posted: June 6th, 2010, 11:11pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
3
Posts Per Day
0.00
As far as the script goes I enjoyed it massively. But, as I've stated in a few post, I'm new to the script game and wouldn't feel comfortable giving criticism, good or bad.

But on the "why is everyone smoking weed" question, this I know about. So fyi, in 2006 the FBI did an undercover/drug abuse immunity investigation to attempt to find out how many ppl in the U.S. use Cannibus in one form or another. after 6 months they estimated that a whopping 60% of ppl between 14 and 45 use some form of "weed" at least on a casual basis (casual= same as "social drinker" AKA weekends, holidays, special occasions) However of this 60% only between 13 and 14% fell into the daily smokers spot. This has nothing to do with your script but it seemed like a question that could come up again and again as drug use has become common in all forms of entertainment.

But Back to the point great story couldn't move till I was finished. can't wait to see more
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 47 - 53
Colkurtz8
Posted: June 7th, 2010, 9:37am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
--> Over There
Posts
1731
Posts Per Day
0.31
Jbrow

Thank you for checking this out, I know it’s a lengthy read to get through, glad you enjoyed it though.

I wouldn't feel uncomfortable about giving your two cents, it’s just an opinion after all and everyone is entitled to them, people here understand that.

As far as the weed thing goes, yeah it’s everywhere and has inevitably permeated into all art disciplines. Not that I'm underestimating the capabilities of Federal Bureau of Investigation!!! (cue intimidating music) but how would they carry out a covert operation like that and obtain accurate results.

Anyway thanks again for checking this out, let me know if you have anything you want me to read

Col.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 48 - 53
Craiger6
Posted: August 7th, 2010, 4:07pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Staten Island, New York
Posts
239
Posts Per Day
0.05
Hey Col.,

I finally got around to reading this one, and I'm glad I did.  I thought you did a terrific job.  I'm only about half way through the comments, but look forward to reading the rest.  

It's much different than your other work, and for that reason, at least in the beginning, I was waiting for it to take a darker, more serious turn.  I'm kind of glad that it didn't though, as I think this works very well as is, and shows your range as a writer.  On the other hand, similar to your other pieces, I think you've done a fine job at developing these characters.  As someone else mentioned (I think Tonka), Nicole was the scene stealer/driving force here, but I also think that Thomas was very well developed.  I think we could all relate to him at some point in our lives (or at least wish we could, lucky bastard.  I'd trade a fat lip for a couple of weeks on the Nicole Express any day of the week, and twice on Sundays).

In your message you seemed to be concerned about the length, and I see that in some of your earlier posts regarding this piece, that you were concerned about length.  I can only speak for myself, but I read this in one sitting, and it was a page turner for me.  That said, yes 40 pages may scare off some people, but it seems that you've still managed to get more than enough reviews (positive ones at that).  Could it probably be trimmed a bit?  Yeah, I guess, but you can keep going back to any script and tinkering with it till the cows come home.  As long as you are comfortable with it, I say let it ride.

Below are a few things I picked out.  It's not a lot, especially for a 40 page script, and I think that is a testament to the job you've done with this piece.


P. 7 THOMAS  ï¿½Am...I work in a supermarket. Not exactly the holy grail of uniformed positions.�

Nice line.

P. 9 �The woman writing, half naked on a bed couldn�t be any younger then mid to late 40s.�

Not sure if this was supposed to be � the woman WRITHING? (EDIT: Actually I hope it's supposed to be writhing or else Col., you are either into some kinky stuff, or really were meant to be a writer if a naked woman writing is your thing - haha).

P. 10 BILL (V.O.) She never said. I told her that you were on holidays and you�ll be in on Friday for the night shift.  She said �OK� and left...that was it really.�

Not a big deal, but the conversation, and the scene ended a bit abruptly here for me.  I dunno, I kind of like the chemistry between Bill and Thomas.  Kind of like two guys who are on the same wave length that lean on each other to get through their mundane jobs.  I think you could have used this opportunity to inject a little more levity.  Maybe the chick in the porno starts getting busy and then Bill abruptly hangs up or something.  I dunno, just a thought.

P. 14 - A framed POSTER of �Raging Bull� is stuck on the wall. Jake Le Motta has just knocked his opponent to the ground. A fearsome look is etched on Robert De Niro�s face.�

Should be Jake LaMotta � you made him into a Frenchman!!!  For shame, Col.
Anyway, interesting approach you took in describing this poster.  One the one hand, you refer to him as Jake LaMotta, and on the other you refer to DeNiro.  Just curious if this was intentional or not?  Should they both be the same, or are they okay as is?

P. 16 � THOMAS - I can safely say that line has never elicited such a response before...from anybody, ever.�

Haha.  This chick is nuts.  I think Pia raised a good point, and I'm not sure if you addressed this in your comments, but I would have liked to get a bit of insight into why she is so hot for these types of men.  You were probably concerned about space and decided to leave that out.  Maybe make a trade and cut something to include a little more backstory for her.  

P. 30 - GARY (CONT�D) You may have swooned her with this place, your fancy uniform.

Ha, another good one for me.

The ending was fine for me, but I see that you originally had something else in mind.  I'm a bit torn about it as its currently constructed.  

Let's agree, that the whole premise of the story (i.e. every guy's dream) is a bit far fetched, which is fine for a script.  Part of me would have liked to have seen a tired, grumpy, Thomas finding him right back in a similar situation with the MILF.  I mean, yeah, I imagine he would have left Nicole's house swearing up and down and promising himself that he'll never get involved in a nother situation like that ever again.  Then he, like you, me, and pretty much 90% of the grown male population in the world, would have cooled off, and done a cost/benefit analysis of the situation, and realized that even with the bloody lip, he kind of came out ahead.

So, in short, I'm a bit torn between him deciding not to get involved the second time around, and having the woman end up in Bill's aisle.  Not a big deal, but I could see it going either way.  Part of me thinks that having him do the same thing all over again might fit a little better with the overall feel of the piece.

Anyway, nice job Col., I really enjoyed it and look forward, as always, to reading more.  Best of luck.

CR


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 49 - 53
Craiger6
Posted: August 7th, 2010, 4:29pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Staten Island, New York
Posts
239
Posts Per Day
0.05

Quoted from Andrew

My suggestion regards the series idea is that you could use Thomas and Bill as a vessel for a succession of stories in subsequent 30 minute episodes, utilising the quirks of supermarket shoppers. Here Thomas is totally used by a vamp, and this is owing to his otherwise unremarkable job - but, it becomes remarkable 'cos of an unhinged girl. Not sure how developed Thomas and Bill are in your mind, but if these guys are strong characters, I really think you could make this work as a series.


Col., just reading through some of these comments, and I think Andrew raises a good point here.  I see that you aren't too keen on the series format, but as I mentioned, I enjoyed Bill and Thomas' repoire (sp?).  I'm sure others did as well, this might provided you with an opportunity to expand on Bill's character.  And, as you mentioned, you did have a lot of fun writing this, so might be worth a shot.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 50 - 53
Colkurtz8
Posted: August 15th, 2010, 5:07am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
--> Over There
Posts
1731
Posts Per Day
0.31
Craig

Thank you for your comments, sorry for the delay in responding.

First off, I'm glad you enjoyed the script, it’s becoming more and more apparent that we have similar tastes here and that's cool. Yeah, I would've preferred to have gotten this around the 30 page mark but once I write something I half believe in, I become attached to it thus really struggle to excise the stuff that's in there because I want it as opposed to needing it. Basically, your classically vain, self indulgent mentality.

At 40 pages its neither a short or a feature but fu?k it, I enjoyed the writing process and most people seemed to like it. Plus, I don't envisage developing it any further as I chose to leave it as it is a long time ago now...but I appreciate your encouraging words.


Quoted from Craiger6

I think we could all relate to him at some point in our lives (or at least wish we could, lucky bastard.  I'd trade a fat lip for a couple of weeks on the Nicole Express any day of the week, and twice on Sundays).


--   yup, I hear ya, man. Although Gary is a dangerous (albeit, complete buffoon) sonofabitch who I wouldn’t want to pi?s off too much. As males, we generally tend to follow or dicks into most decision making, its instinct...but someone like him (and her) may just intimidate you and make one think twice about such choices in future situations.


Quoted from Craiger6

P. 9 �The woman writing, half naked on a bed couldn�t be any younger then mid to late 40s.�

Not sure if this was supposed to be � the woman WRITHING? (EDIT: Actually I hope it's supposed to be writhing or else Col., you are either into some kinky stuff, or really were meant to be a writer if a naked woman writing is your thing - haha).


-- Ha ha, no, a mistake on my part. It is meant to be "writhing", good catch, no such fetish here to report, sir.


Quoted from Craiger6

P. 10 BILL (V.O.) She never said. I told her that you were on holidays and you�ll be in on Friday for the night shift.  She said �OK� and left...that was it really.�

Not a big deal, but the conversation, and the scene ended a bit abruptly here for me.  I dunno, I kind of like the chemistry between Bill and Thomas.  Kind of like two guys who are on the same wave length that lean on each other to get through their mundane jobs.  I think you could have used this opportunity to inject a little more levity.  Maybe the chick in the porno starts getting busy and then Bill abruptly hangs up or something.  I dunno, just a thought.


-- I see what you mean and I like your idea of Bill getting distracted by the porn thus ending the call. My thinking though was that we had gotten all the information we needed by then. Nicole had been back looking for Thomas so I reckoned it was time to jump straight away to that night and keep things rolling.


Quoted from Craiger6

P. 14 - A framed POSTER of �Raging Bull� is stuck on the wall. Jake Le Motta has just knocked his opponent to the ground. A fearsome look is etched on Robert De Niro�s face.�

Should be Jake LaMotta � you made him into a Frenchman!!!  For shame, Col.
Anyway, interesting approach you took in describing this poster.  One the one hand, you refer to him as Jake LaMotta, and on the other you refer to DeNiro.  Just curious if this was intentional or not?  Should they both be the same, or are they okay as is?


-- Correct, good call but since I consider De Niro's performance in that film to be the best I've ever seen and I have the actual poster stuck up in my room, I arrogantly assume that everyone else should know the film too. So I figured switching up the names like that wouldn't confuse anybody. Tis probably incorrect in a technical sense but I wanted to drop both names in there. Which makes my “Le” typo all the more embarrassing, well spotted.


Quoted from Craiger6

P. 16 � THOMAS - I can safely say that line has never elicited such a response before...from anybody, ever.�

Haha.  This chick is nuts.  I think Pia raised a good point, and I'm not sure if you addressed this in your comments, but I would have liked to get a bit of insight into why she is so hot for these types of men.  You were probably concerned about space and decided to leave that out.  Maybe make a trade and cut something to include a little more backstory for her.  


-- Yeah, I remember her comment (I thought I answered it directly, apologies Pia if, on the off-chance, you happen to be reading this) Page constraints was one factor but more so was the desire to leave it unexplained. She digs men in uniform and especially the line, it’s just a penchant of hers which I didn't really want, or felt required justification. Of course, if this were to be expanded into a feature (I can just imagine one of those derivative, cheesy, hi-concept packaged rom-coms that saturate the mainstream market these days where everything is wrapped up in a nice bow at the end and the once dislikeable protagonist experiences a “change” or some sort of "transformation"...it gives me headaches just thinking about it) then it would probably have to be addressed but I don't think the piece suffers from it as it stands.


Quoted from Craiger6

The ending was fine for me, but I see that you originally had something else in mind.  I'm a bit torn about it as its currently constructed.  

Let's agree, that the whole premise of the story (i.e. every guy's dream) is a bit far fetched, which is fine for a script.  Part of me would have liked to have seen a tired, grumpy, Thomas finding him right back in a similar situation with the MILF.  I mean, yeah, I imagine he would have left Nicole's house swearing up and down and promising himself that he'll never get involved in a nother situation like that ever again.  Then he, like you, me, and pretty much 90% of the grown male population in the world, would have cooled off, and done a cost/benefit analysis of the situation, and realized that even with the bloody lip, he kind of came out ahead.

So, in short, I'm a bit torn between him deciding not to get involved the second time around, and having the woman end up in Bill's aisle.  Not a big deal, but I could see it going either way.  Part of me thinks that having him do the same thing all over again might fit a little better with the overall feel of the piece.


-- Oh yeah, the concept is completely ridiculous, totally tongue in cheek. I wanted to set that stall out early, this is not to be taken seriously in the slightest. The whole car bashing scene with Gary was an example where I just went all out with the absurdity of it. I mean, if Gary really cares about Nicole what the fu?k is he doing! It's basically a case of Thomas who we can relate to, as you say, a normal bloke stuck in a dead end job who gets sucked into the world of this not-so-normal, freaky couple. He's in way over his head here and simply not cut-out for the unpredictable behaviour of Nicole or Gary. That although he bit?hed about his humdrum existence, when offered a "walk on the wild side" he wasn't able for it and yearned for that simple life again.

And this leads me on to your other point about the ending and would Thomas turn down another potential woman like Nicole. Personally, I believe it works better that he does, that he has learned something (see, even I can't get away from the "protagonist must undergo a change" shtick) from his whirlwind romance with Nicole. I mean, on paper it sounds like a sweet deal, a hot, sexually adventurous woman is interested in you...and for sex, nothing more but the comedic (I hoped) lesson would be that despite these overwhelming carnal positives...the hassle and in part, unseen complications which invariable came with Nicole have turned Thomas off...for the time being at least. He now knows better than to fall for the “come on” eyes and suggestive gestures. Bill, however, is going to go in head first due to his preference for older woman as we seen in the porn watching scene. He may have seen firsthand the precarious situations Thomas got himself tangled up in but it’s that aforementioned following your dick propensity typical of alpha males coming out on top.

I'd like to think that if Bill got with this new older woman (I know, I'm being very presumptuous here as she only flicked her eyes at Thomas and changed queues but let’s fantasize, shall we) their conversations may mimic what we heard during the script except with Bill waxing lyrical about his sexual exploits and Thomas, the war weary veteran, telling him to watch out.

I do know where you and others are coming from but I guess I wanted to throw Bill a bone (no pun intended) too instead of the thing going around in circles with Thomas again.

And yeah, I completely agree with Andrew's comments, although this admittedly has a sitcom/series type feel, it doesn't follow the multi stranded plot structure of such shows primarily since I never intended it to be a sitcom/series. I really only have one story going on here and it still took up 39 pages so you can imagine what kind of bloated piece I'd have if I tried to wedge in a concurrent story for Bill and/or Gary. Like I said, at this time I've no motivation to develop that relationship as I'm working on other stuff, maybe some time down the line, who knows.

Thanks again for taking the time Craig, really appreciate it. Let me know if you got anything new coming up.

Cheers.

Col.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 51 - 53
RodriguezFruitbat
Posted: April 1st, 2018, 11:28pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
92
Posts Per Day
0.02
Hey Howard,

Thanks for pointing this one out, it was a fun read. I loved the setting and the premise. You have a knack for characters.

I only had a couple little thoughts. On the first page you introduce a ton of characters (maybe 13?), which I struggled to keep track of, then I realized that several of the capitalized character don't seem to be speaking roles. If they are really just background characters I'd spend less time describing them and not give them character names. That way the reader will focus on the important characters.

I scanned through the previous comments and see a recurring theme of either expanding this or tightening the script up to around 30 pages. It's totally subjective, but I feel that there is merit to the idea of trimming it. I wasn't distracted at all by the descriptions and felt the writing was easy enough to breeze through. Currently the story ends where it began with a small punchline at the end with Bill and the woman. This structure feels right for an episodic type piece, like one of many snapshots in the lives of these two clerks. As a short film I personally feel like it could end earlier with the payoff being him losing her back to the ex-boyfriend. It would feel tighter and end with a bigger punchline. Just opinion though, it's already fine as is.

This reminded me of a couple similar movies (can't remembrance them off the top of my head) but with the right director I think it could be a really fun watch.

Thanks!
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 52 - 53
Colkurtz8
Posted: April 6th, 2018, 6:15am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
--> Over There
Posts
1731
Posts Per Day
0.31
Rodriguez

Thanks for the read, glad you got a couple of laughs out of it.


Quoted from RodriguezFruitbat
I only had a couple little thoughts. On the first page you introduce a ton of characters (maybe 13?), which I struggled to keep track of, then I realized that several of the capitalized character don't seem to be speaking roles. If they are really just background characters I'd spend less time describing them and not give them character names. That way the reader will focus on the important characters.


- Well, I give them names like HUSBAND, WIFE, SLACKER, etc but not actual names. Their descriptions are minimal too, sometimes non-existent so that they won’t seem important. It’s just a quick montage of the customers to set the scene. Even the group of college kids, who feature heavily in the opening scene, aren’t given names as we won’t see them again either.


Quoted from RodriguezFruitbat
I scanned through the previous comments and see a recurring theme of either expanding this or tightening the script up to around 30 pages. It's totally subjective, but I feel that there is merit to the idea of trimming it.


- Yeah, it’s an awkward length, I had the idea, wrote it and this is where it landed. I don’t really plan to expand or trim it at the moment.


Quoted from RodriguezFruitbat
Currently the story ends where it began with a small punchline at the end with Bill and the woman. This structure feels right for an episodic type piece, like one of many snapshots in the lives of these two clerks. As a short film I personally feel like it could end earlier with the payoff being him losing her back to the ex-boyfriend. It would feel tighter and end with a bigger punchline. Just opinion though, it's already fine as is.


- Yeah, you’re on the money, it has more of a sitcom-ish episodic structure where things come, pretty much, full circle at the end. Not the most suitable for a short script, although the length kind of rules out that viability anyway. Either way, that feature does show up in some of my scripts, where characters go through something, big or small, yet arrive back where they began, with nothing only perhaps some greater insight or an experience under their belt, I’m drawn to that idea as it happens in life a lot, certainly more than big epiphanies or life altering encounters. I know this is an exaggerated scenario but the experience of a person coming into your life, turning it upside down and leaving again does occur...and then you find yourself back to square one.

Plus, I like ending it with Thomas (even though Nicole has treated him like shit) ready to go headlong into it all over again when he sees another woman showing interest in a similar way.

Thanks again for taking the time to check this out.

Col.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 53 - 53
 Pages: « 1, 2, 3, 4 : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006