Widow's Peak by Richard Ashcraft (the richcraft) - Short, Sci Fi, Horror - The super-hero Pluto allows a pregant widow to see her husband's ghost one last time.  It was a good intention on Pluto's part.  But her peek into the afterlife results in a hell on earth. 7 pages - doc, format

SPOILER SPACE, kinda

This one left me very confused.  You need to introduce Pluto a lot more, a superhero who can communicate with the dead is a lot to take on.  Why is he even called Pluto?  That doesn't make any sense to me.

The conversation between Matt and Hilda seems a little light.  I just didn't feel the loss here.  Yo need to expand this.  You also need to explain why Pluto can only keep Matt there for so long.

The ending was kind of out of left field.  There has to be a better closing than this.


Phil

The Richcraft...

I could be wrong, but I think you still need an "e," at the end of good-bye.  I think you need one of these (-), between midtwenties, and I believe you meant "gun instead of "gum."

Do you not have software?  Nothing wrong with word pad but you need to know the right ingredients of a format.  There's a way to fix your lines of dialogue.

First, "Windshield," now "Pluto."  I finshed reading this and I'm more confused then before.  Maybe, I missed the whole point of this piece.  

Your ending, from the logline, I'm thinking, well hoping for... wide-scale disaster like a terrorist attack or nature throwing a temper tantrum but this... well, fell flat.

Good Luck

Ghostwriter

WTF?!?!

You have this cool little story going on and you end it like that?

Set up. A pregnant widow is encouraged by the ghost of her late firefighter husband to carry on his legacy of helping others.

What is the goal? Carry on the legacy.

The Challenge? Alone and pregnant.

Final outcome? (tonight is kind of special) Shooting good friends dead so they can be with said late husband and keep him company.

Pluto means nothing because you could erase him and the story remains.

Oh well.

This story is a minor sub-plot of my World Power 12-issue series, in which nine mortals suddenly become Pluto, Jupiter, Venus, etc.  It recently has been published in prose form by idea-men.us as their ghost issue for IF-X comics.

I tried to put a Geoff Johns kind of twist on the story.  To see what I think of him and other comic-book writers, read my latest Hawkins and Dover chapter.

Hey I owe you a read, but my computer doesn't swing that way when it comes to doc formatting.  Can you resubmit in PDF?

I do like the twist and the twisted logic she uses to pull the trigger. The mythology here is pretty interesting.

My only grip is the sudden change in tone. The set-up has a Ghost feel to it, but in the resolution you went all Psycho. I'd suggest trying to keep the tone more consistent.

Good luck.  

Jack, I sent you both Widow's Peek and The Vamp on pdg at the email address you gave me.  Thanks for inspiring me to finally use the services that other posters have recommended.

Clorox, I'm using pdfonline.com.  That seems to be the simplest version that I'm about to use as I'm not too computer savvy.  Thanks for the info though.

Mr. Z, yeah the sudden tone was a concern of mine, both here and in the comic-book version of the story (available at idea-men.us, plug, plug, lol).  That's why I mentioned her mood swings.  I was trying to convey her fears of being left a widow because of Matt's profession, which really went into overdrive when she got pregnant.

This was a minor sub-plot of my World Power series.  Nine mortals are suddenly changed into Pluto, Jupiter, etc., albeit with scaled-down powers.  They have no recollection of their mortal identities, but their transformation was captured on film, so the whole world knows their identities.  It's the reverse of the usual super-hero genre.

The WP shows regular people trying to deal with the demi-gods imposing their will on them.  Like how Saturn, god of vegetation, is angry that a forest fire destroyed part of his domain.  So he stops production of tobacco, marijuana, and cocaine to prevent any careless smokers from starting fires.  This drives up the cost of drugs and results in more crime.

Hi Richard,

The story is kinda weird with these fantasy/god elements. If no one reads your logline, we can't tell that Matt was a superhero. Oh wait, your logline says Pluto was the superhero! I'm now confused who the superhero is. You need to fix it and dramatize that Matt (or Pluto) has superhero abilities.

The most problematic is the ending. You left Hilda being extremely unsympathetic. Why kill her friends/relatives just so her husband won't be lonely? That doesn't work at all.

Some of the dialogue are on-the-nose, try to make it more natural and snappy.

The writing is okay, I think.

It's not bad, but could be better with a few re-writes.

Herman

Herman, I guess this works more as a comic-book story.  I sold it very shortly after I tried out simplyscripts.com.  I guess my writing style will always be too on the nose since I usually write super-hero scripts.  More information is put into comic-book stories than film scripts due to the limited used of panels and dialogue.

I'm surprised that you thought the tagline was confusing.  I felt that it explained the story perfectly.  Though I was criticized for "the hell on earth" part.

I see a mentally-ill woman aiming a gun at me, and I consider that to be hell on earth.

Hey Richard,

I thought I'd return the read you gave me. As far as this goes I never really got into the story. It's like what is the point. Maybe a bit more context would help. The dialogue between Hilda and Mat was a bit tentative - didn't feel real enough for me.

Could be a more interesting story if you stretch it out. Provide more context and also give Hilda more character development to we understand her goals - especially at the end when she kills that unlucky couple.

The writing and descriptions were fine for me.

Good luck with the rewrites.

MG

I may write the comic-book story as an actual script.  But it will be hard to transform 12 comic books into a film script.  I might be able to do it as a series.

Just an exercise in shock endings.  Oh, well.  At least some people liked it.

Quoted from TheRichcraft I may write the comic-book story as an actual script.  But it will be hard to transform 12 comic books into a film script.

Not necessarily.  The movie They Live was based on a two page short story.


Phil

I'll have to keep that mind, dogglebe.  Thanks for the info.

Shouldnt start with 'it is'.  just start with 'A small medical clinic'

Also get rid of 'we see'.  Just 'in the distance a large forest fire burns on the hillside.'

Seems kinda shady that 'world power' was able to put the fire out just like that... but didnt bother to do it before it killed the guy.  Might wanna just have it end naturally.

Also might want to clarify that the other couple was very close with the dead guy, just to make it clear they were his friends more than hers.  im just thinking of one line y'know  'we've known him forever...' whatever.  

The ending made me laugh, not sure if that was what you were going for, but it was funny.

Hey, Jack.

This story was a very minor sub-plot of my World Power 12-issue series.  The forest fire was raging before the WP heroes gained their powers.  It took them a few hours to get it under control.

Not really going for laughs, but I can see where some people might get that idea.

If you want bad-taste laughs, watch for my upcoming Samson and Minerva script.  It's a cross between Sapphire and Steel and Monty Python.

Richard

Just one letter off the lead singer of the Verve, you must be sick of hearing that...or not.

Anyway, this is obviously part of a series so I'm lost on the Pluto character and the whole mythology behind him and his world.

PLUTO
The shade is correct. I must
send him to the other realm.

-- What does he mean by "shade" I've heard of the cops being referred to as "shades" but never firemen. Is it a blanket terms for all public service employees?

As far as the story goes, it’s an interesting beginner to something more but that's about it. This is not a self contained story so it’s hard to comment overall on what you've done.

In terms of the writing, I think it could do with a lot of tightening; some awkward phrasing in the prose where some slight rewording would make all the difference.

Take the first three block of description on page 1 as an example.

"It is a small medical clinic set up somewhere within the Rocky Mountains."

-- A cool visual you have here that's not done justice by how it’s written. This could be re-written as "A small medical clinic set up somewhere within the Rocky Mountains". The "It is" is completely unnecessary.

"The air is a bit smoky. Far off in the background we see a large forest fire burning on a hill."

-- Again, cool image ruined by poor phrasing, maybe rewrite as "Smoke chokes the air while on a hill in the background, a forest fire blazes" or something like that. The same information is being conveyed, it’s just more readable this way, in my opinion.

"Suddenly there is a downpour from the clouds in the sky. It does not hit the clinic, but it rains on the forest fire."

-- Another striking visual let down by stuttered and disjointed writing, thus it doesn't read well. Firstly, there’s no reason to tell us that rain comes "from the clouds in the sky" you know, that's pointless and, in a way, insulting to the reader. How about" "Suddenly, it begins to rain heavily over the forest fire avoiding the clinic" or something to that effect, there’s no one right way to write a sentence but what you've got could definitely do with being changed.

PLUTO (CONT’D)
You shall find the courage.
Farewell, Matthew Bowman.

MATT (V.O.)
Hilda. Goodbyyyyyyyy.

HILDA
Matt! NOOOOOOO!

HILDA (CONT’D)
Damn you! All I wanted was a
few more minutes with him!

The dialogue in places (like above) is rather melodramatic and overwrought but having said that, given the superhero/comic book context it goes hand in hand with this type of story and the characters who inhabit it.

I liked the ending, a strong climax to finish things but as I said, I've been dropped into this story with no frame of reference, no basis or back-story so it’s hard to sum up what I feel about the script or where you should take it from here.

Best of luck

Col.

Shades is another term for souls or spirits.  In Pluto's underworld realm of Hades, it is described as a dim place with transparent ghosts.  Hence the term shade.

Yeah, the story is a bit melodramatic, but that's to be expected in a superhero story.  A writer can't waste too much time exploring a character's feelings when each panel is a precious piece showing the passage of time.

I went for a shock ending ala Geoff Johns.  Since Pluto's role was very limited in the forest fire, I decided to make his good deed into a turn for the worse.  It's also a variation of all roads to hell are paved with good intentions.

I see, yeah I'm not really in a position to comment since I'm not familiar with the realm, that's why I mainly focused on the technical stuff. I understand what you wre saying about the melodrama and character stuff.

Keep at it.

Col.