Quoted from Dressel I'm not familiar with this term.  Can you explain?

A child abandoned by their parents.

Pffft!  Jeeze, Dressel, don't you know anything!?

Quoted from screenrider A child abandoned by their parents. Pffft!  Jeeze, Dressel, don't you know anything!?

Ha, that's actually what came to mind first.  I stopped and thought "Wait a minute, did E.D. think these kids were all orphans?"

Quoted from Dressel I'm not familiar with this term.  Can you explain?

I am surprised you have not encountered the phrase before.

It is a line with a single word on it.  On page 1, you have 'shoulders' and 'away' on lines of their own, like orphans.

These can usually be done away with through a little creative editing.

Not the worst screenwriting offense you can commit, but you are well-advised to at least be aware of them, and to avoid them if you can easily do so.

Quoted from bert I am surprised you have not encountered the phrase before. It is a line with a single word on it.  On page 1, you have 'shoulders' and 'away' on lines of their own, like orphans. These can usually be done away with through a little creative editing. Not the worst screenwriting offense you can commit, but you are well-advised to at least be aware of them, and to avoid them is you can easily do so.

Odd.  This...doesn't bother me at all.  Why is this problematic?

Quoted from Dressel Odd.  This...doesn't bother me at all.  Why is this problematic?

It's not -- though it can waste space.

More anal than anything, I suppose, and one more thing to worry about.

Like I said, there are far worse screenwriting sins than these, but you did ask.

This is really good. I liked it very much.
Ok - these 10 year olds - I know now what you mean, what you want from your 10 year olds

I don't know what to suggest here - maybe leave this script alone and not change a thing in it...

The only thing that bothered me was the beginning. It's a little same old one bulling another for no reason and it starts very on the nose "give me your bike" - I was ready not to like it at that point.

But then it just flourished... into something unpredictable and fresh.

Quoted from bert Like I said, there are far worse screenwriting sins than these, but you did ask.

That I did.  Thanks for clearing it up.  

Quoted from khamanna This is really good. I liked it very much.

Thanks!

Quoted from khamanna Ok - these 10 year olds - I know now what you mean, what you want from your 10 year olds

I wrote another short that ended up being produced called The Sandwich Days, which also features 10 year olds.  While I was happy with the script, I think I went a little overboard with their dialogue, making it sound too mature.  It's a really tough balance to strike, because honestly I don't remember how I sounded when I was 10.  I think you'll always be fighting with yourself to not make them sound too much like you.

Quoted from khamanna The only thing that bothered me was the beginning. It's a little same old one bulling another for no reason and it starts very on the nose "give me your bike" - I was ready not to like it at that point.

This was actually written as a writing sample for a job.  They gave me 4 scenarios, and one of them was bully wants a kid's bike.  So I picked that one and went with it, knowing it's the absolute biggest cliche next to "Give me your lunch money, squirt!"

Quoted from khamanna But then it just flourished... into something unpredictable and fresh.

Thanks again.  I'm really happy to see this get such a positive response.

Quoted from Dressel I'm not familiar with this term.  Can you explain?

I see I'm late to the orphan tangent party.
Like others said, it's not a major thing.
But honestly, I didn't see much else to lean on, so I thought I should point those out.
When something reads well I tend to magnify the critique and point out fine tuning.
I feel like an idiot if a story's good, but I can't offer something to help.

Quoted from Dressel I don't know, I thought it did a good job of setting the scene, but I can see your point. Awesome.  Thanks for the read, E.D.

Your image sets the scene quite well.
It's just your word choice took me to an e.e. cummings sort of place. No biggie.
Thanks for looking at Lie Detector. I've got your feature in my queue.

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer But honestly, I didn't see much else to lean on, so I thought I should point those out. When something reads well I tend to magnify the critique and point out fine tuning. I feel like an idiot if a story's good, but I can't offer something to help.

Thanks.  It's always nice to learn a new screenwriting tip, anyway.  I'll try and keep it in mind next time I'm writing, see if it makes a difference for the read.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer Your image sets the scene quite well. It's just your word choice took me to an e.e. cummings sort of place. No biggie.

Yeah, normally I'm not so flowery with my descriptions. I'm a pretty straight-to-the-point kind of guy.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer I've got your feature in my queue.

Hope you like it.

I think this is very, very good. You need to add to this and go through their lives of growing up,with the bully's hounding them all the time. Then send to Disney. I think they will option it.
If you get a chance, read my script. DESIGNS ON HER.

Quoted from anniestanley I think this is very, very good. You need to add to this and go through their lives of growing up,with the bully's hounding them all the time. Then send to Disney. I think they will option it. If you get a chance, read my script. DESIGNS ON HER.

Thank you for the kind words, Annie.  I'm not really looking to expand this into a feature length, as I don't feel there's enough meat to the story right now.

I'll pop over and take a look at your script.

hey Matt, just took a look at your short and really enjoyed it. here are my thoughts.

What I liked:
- the title (very clever)
- the ending. i definitely didnt see it coming.
- your writing style. several people have commented on this already, but i thought your first paragraph was dynamite.
- the evolution of your story. it opens with a very familiar, almost cliched setting, and evolves into something much more unique and creative. this why the story works.

Some suggestions:
- after getting hit with a mud pie once, the bully threatens the protagonist with another mud pie. if i were you, id up the ante a little bit for the second threat. maybe a mudpie with rocks in it or a knuckle sandwhich or something.
- are the cronies even necessary? i noticed a few readers became confused with all the 10 year olds running around and i can see why.
- the setting is a deserted school yard. what if it were recess or there were other kids around? it would make the ending seem all the more satisfying to both the reader and the protagonist.
- i actually thought it could be a bit shorter. SPOILER if the protagonist knew there were no brakes on the bike, why didnt he offer to race the bully from the beginning?

overall, a great script with superb writing. its simple and straight forward but has a sly little twist at the end.

Quoted from albinopenguin hey Matt, just took a look at your short and really enjoyed it.

Thanks for reading it and the compliments below as well.

Quoted from albinopenguin Some suggestions: - after getting hit with a mud pie once, the bully threatens the protagonist with another mud pie. if i were you, id up the ante a little bit for the second threat. maybe a mudpie with rocks in it or a knuckle sandwhich or something.

Good thinking.  Actually, maybe something to mirror the final justice Michael dishes out.  Like, Wes either threatens to or actually does hold Andrew down in a mud puddle.  Then the ending is more satisfying.  It's at least something to think about.

Quoted from albinopenguin are the cronies even necessary? i noticed a few readers became confused with all the 10 year olds running around and i can see why.

They're not, no.  I just figured most bullies do something for an audience.  And plus, having them their makes his embarrassment worse.

Quoted from albinopenguin the setting is a deserted school yard. what if it were recess or there were other kids around? it would make the ending seem all the more satisfying to both the reader and the protagonist.

I kind of like the deserted feeling of the yard.  Makes it almost like an old west type showdown.  That, and if someone were to shoot this, it's really hard to wrangle up a bunch of kids for a short film.

Quoted from albinopenguin i actually thought it could be a bit shorter. SPOILER if the protagonist knew there were no brakes on the bike, why didnt he offer to race the bully from the beginning?

I just figured it didn't dawn on him until he was riding away.  Up until then, he was just mad he was losing his bike (broken or not) and couldn't do anything about it.

Quoted from albinopenguin overall, a great script with superb writing. its simple and straight forward but has a sly little twist at the end.

Thanks Will, I appreciate the comments.  Thanks for taking the time to write them up.  

Well done cute (can I say cute?) little story.  Very easy to read.  Crisp writing, good descriptions, real-sounding dialog.  

I, like others, had some ideas about how it would end, but not how you had it, which is a good thing.

I also thought the kid gave in a little too easily, but if his idea was to stick it to the bully, mission accomplished.

Thanks for posting.