Quoted from Dreamscale On Page 1, as you intro 'Preacher', you end on the short 'sentence', 'A bible at his side.'  Obviously, this is a fragment, that doesn't stand up on its own.

"On the other hand, sentence fragments are a screenwriter's stock in trade." (Terry Rossio).

Simon, that's a pretty piss poor quote you presented there, bro.  Learn to use the quote tool or just copy paste your quotes and use quotation marks.  This looks like crap.

I have nothing against fragments when they're presented properly, for a reason.  Nothing against Ghost, but since you decided to call me out on this, I'll play along.

What is the reason to have this fragment stand on it's own, when it's cleaner and much "more correct" grammatically to use a comma and include it in the sentence that preceded it?  Do tell, Simon.

Quoted from Dreamscale Simon, that's a pretty piss poor quote you presented there, bro.  Learn to use the quote tool or just copy paste your quotes and use quotation marks.  This looks like crap. I have nothing against fragments when they're presented properly, for a reason.  Nothing against Ghost, but since you decided to call me out on this, I'll play along. What is the reason to have this fragment stand on it's own, when it's cleaner and much "more correct" grammatically to use a comma and include it in the sentence that preceded it?  Do tell, Simon.

It's called a beat.

Part of the rhythm.

Don't be dense. A fragment is incorrect, it can't be presented properly, it can only be presented for effect.

Seeing you're being slow on the uptake, consider this a bone thrown: it's written for impact. IMO. it did it's job.

Quoted from Forgive It's called a beat, you idiot. Part of the rhythm. Don't be dense. A fragment is incorrect, it can't be presented properly, it can only be presented for effect. Seeing you're being slow on the uptake, consider this a bone thrown: it's written for impact. IMO. it did it's job.

Uh oh...Simon's calling names now.     HaHa...that's funny, actually.

Sorry, Ghostie, but you know I'm going to respond to any and all asswipes, and this Simon clown is asking for a response.

OK Simon, so you're saying this is a "beat" and it's being used for the effect.  Uh huh...the effect of...ummm...hmmm...you got me.  What is the effect here?  The fact that a "Preacher" is holding a bible?  Does this bible, or even this Preacher have anything to do with this script and story?  Do either the Preacher or his bible come into play again, at any time in this script?  No, they don't as far as I remember.

So help me out, Simon, as I am a little slow on the uptake.  Throw me another bone, could you?  I want to learn and you seem to think you can help us all with your wealth of knowledge.

Thanks in advance.

P.S. Nice job on cleaning up your quote, Simon.  You're a fast study, aren't you?  Very impressive...

Quoted from Dreamscale Ghostie, I use MM as well, and for years peeps were bitching at me about not double spacing for Slugs.  I couldn't figure out how to fix it and thought this was just a quirk of MM, but awhile back, Screenrider, of all peeps, actually helped me out. Here's the deal... Go to the "Format" tab.  Then, click "Edit Script Formats...".  Inside there, you'll see that you have the ability to alter literally everything in your script's format.  Click on "Scene Headings" and change the "Lines Before:" to "2.0" in the "Line Spacing (in lines)" section, second from the top. Once I started doing this, I have to agree that the scripts look much better and the Slugs stand out much better.  You can make this change on completed scripts, and/or use it for new ones.  Hope this helps.

Hey Jeff,

I use MM as well so thanks for that little nugget of information.

Steve

Quoted from Dreamscale Uh huh...the effect of...ummm...hmmm...you got me.   So help me out, Simon, as I am a little slow on the uptake.   P.S. Nice job on cleaning up your quote, Simon.

Hi Dreamie. Like I said, impact, including brevity of read.

Now that's two bones you've had - don't be greedy.

Hi Riley.
Nice story, but nothing original though. On p-2 who stares at Kitty? Preacher or Juan? It is not clear. On the very top of p-3 Samantha's dialod should say suppose or supposed?



Hope it was useful.

Jahongir.

Quoted from Forgive Hi Dreamie. Like I said, impact, including brevity of read. Now that's two bones you've had - don't be greedy.

Simon, that's awful nice of you to share your vast knowledge of screenwriting with folks like little old me.  You're truly one Hell of a swell guy.

But, for some odd reason, you chose to completely ignore what I just brought up.  Let me help you out again.  You're talking about "impact" now..."effect" before.  The line in question involves the Preacher's trusty bible, but it doesn't have anything to do with the script and is never mentioned again.  So why would you continue on about it being important or remotely good, to highlight it?  What fucking "impact" are you referring to?

Simon, I thought your name sounded familiar but I couldn't place you, so I did a little digging and found you're the douche who entered a 2010 OWC, didn't read a single entry, and then argued for days with peeps about it, saying you didn't know how to open the scripts, didn't know you were expected to read, etc.  Based on all your recent reviews, packed to the hilt with so many nuggets of expertise, it sure seems like you've come a long way in a year and a half, huh?  Or, maybe the better and more accurate way to look at it is, once a douche, always a douche.  I like that better, personally.

Quoted from Dreamscale once a douche, always a douche.  I like that better, personally.

We are all entitled to our opinions, so I'm not going to take that away from you.

"Fact. Detail. Compact." As said by John Turturro, as written by Orci & Kurtzman.

The Preacher's line satisfies this to my mind. Your point about him not coming into play later may have some validity, but he is there at that point, and he is introduced in a way that satisfies the above - marching along, quick look at the bible, done briefly - you may not like it - doesn't mean it's wrong.

I've deleted part of my comment from above, as I've been PM'd about it and accept it wasn't right.

Simon

OK, you guys.  Ghost is not going to appreciate all of this nonsense cluttering up his thread.

Let's afford one of our contributing members a little more respect than that, please.

Thanks in advance.

My apologies to Ghostie, and I do mean that sincerely.

Yo Ghostie!

It's a good day when you get new Ghostie pages!
Even if seizure inducing spiders are looming above my benign icon. O_o

I don't have an issue with the GHOST TOWN slug in an of itself so much.
But indicating a time period would've been helpful to me.
Not even a SUPER per se. Could be an old car on the street.
A restaurant sign: Steak Dinner. Two Bits. Something like that is cool too.

As to O.S. character intros. I can take them or leave them.
But using the character name before introduced, I've gotten dinged on that. So...

OLD MAN VOICE (O.S.)
Juan , just wait one minute.

Then after Preacher's intro, use the character slug for dialogue.
That way, the reader knows what that O.S. voice sounds like.
It's a bit of a flourish, but when it works on me as a reader, it's a good thing.
Indicates to me, the writer has some "movie sense".
When it clunks, I know it's not likely to be a fluid read.

P. 1
Juan's dialogue typo.
"spend" should be "spends".

P. 2
"barrels barking" didn't translate into shooting for me.

P. 5
The Pre-Lap thing tripped up my read.
Never seen that on a spec before.

P. 7
I don't think hyphenated sadness is the way to go here.
It's the moment Sam's been waiting for. Seems deserving of better words.

P. 8
Makes no sense to me Jose would alert Sam, THEN charge into the saloon.
He totally gives away the element of surprise.

So, Samantha's in town to collect a convict.
I guess it's happenstance that the Blacksmith was in town?

I had a hard time following some of the action.
While the flashbacks inform me of what's up, they didn't draw me into the story.
The characters felt more like caricatures of the Old West.
And the wrap up was an complete 180 from the set up.
I got all the action, but I felt like I was missing the reasons why I should be invested.
I'd rather you told one story in depth than cover as much ground as you did.

It's good to experiment with one's style, so long as you keep evolving and refining.

Hope this helps. Keep writing and rewriting!

Regards,
E.D.

I see you have a lot of comments on your script already. Good for you, you've always been a good reader and reviewer yourself. You deserve it. I'll try to not repeat and instead you'll get weird nitpicks from me.  

I liked the story, but I think some changes might be needed. IMHO at least.

First off, I think you need to change Kitty's name. Reminds way too much of Miss Kitty of Gunsmoke…

Did you ever read my western  Savage Frontier ? My hero was also a female gunslinger/sheriff…and her name was Samantha!!!    Small world!!!

I have been wondering for a long time how long the word "fuck" has been in use. You don't have a date where your story is supposed to take place, but one would assume somewhere in the 1800s to early 1900. Was fucking really a word used at that time?  Same for "bitch". I could be wrong, but they just don't feel right for that long ago. Feels like nowadays. Just a thought.

I think having Sam being age 20 is a bit young for what she's doing especially for a female.

I would also suggest using better action verbs. Instead of "walks briskly" why not use march or some other word that better describes the walk with just one word. Look up better action words in a thesaurus. It took me a while to get used to doing that, but now when I read I get annoyed at all the 'ly words describing everything. My pet peeve is "slowly". Don't know how many times people overuse this.  Maybe it's just me.  

The story itself works. I don't have anything to object about it. I liked the Wanted posters. Also like any story where there's some female kicking butt. Not enough of those around if you ask me.

Good to see something of yours posted and I hope everyone's comments are as helpful to you as you've been to us.  

Quoted from Jahon Bahrom Hi Riley. Nice story, but nothing original though. On p-2 who stares at Kitty? Preacher or Juan? It is not clear. On the very top of p-3 Samantha's dialod should say suppose or supposed? Hope it was useful.

Jahon, thanks, glad you liked it.  I'll return the read .

Ghostie  

Quoted from Electric Dreamer It's a good day when you get new Ghostie pages! Even if seizure inducing spiders are looming above my benign icon. O_o I don't have an issue with the GHOST TOWN slug in an of itself so much. But indicating a time period would've been helpful to me. Not even a SUPER per se. Could be an old car on the street. A restaurant sign: Steak Dinner. Two Bits. Something like that is cool too. Good to hear about the slug.  But I'll probably end up changing it in the end. As to O.S. character intros. I can take them or leave them. But using the character name before introduced, I've gotten dinged on that. So... OLD MAN VOICE (O.S.) Juan , just wait one minute. Then after Preacher's intro, use the character slug for dialogue. That way, the reader knows what that O.S. voice sounds like. It's a bit of a flourish, but when it works on me as a reader, it's a good thing. Indicates to me, the writer has some "movie sense". When it clunks, I know it's not likely to be a fluid read. Good advice. P. 1 Juan's dialogue typo. "spend" should be "spends". Yeah, Coop beat you to it.  I was hoping for grammical error free. P. 5 The Pre-Lap thing tripped up my read. Never seen that on a spec before. Yeah, just took that whole thing out, then went back and hopefully cleared up all the confusion. P. 7 I don't think hyphenated sadness is the way to go here. It's the moment Sam's been waiting for. Seems deserving of better words. I'll take another stab at it. P. 8 Makes no sense to me Jose would alert Sam, THEN charge into the saloon. He totally gives away the element of surprise. Good Point. I had a hard time following some of the action. While the flashbacks inform me of what's up, they didn't draw me into the story. The characters felt more like caricatures of the Old West. And the wrap up was an complete 180 from the set up. I got all the action, but I felt like I was missing the reasons why I should be invested. I'd rather you told one story in depth than cover as much ground as you did. I try to avoid writing shorts.  They just don't work for me.  I should have kept this simple.

Thanks E.D.,  Appreciate the read.  Always good to get a review from one of the most respected members here.  I tweaked most of the issues, mainly to clear up most of the confusion.  If I ever go back and re-write this, which I probably wont, it will look much different for sure.

I would have used the multiple quotes... but I haven't figured that out yet.

Thanks again, great notes as usual.

Ghostie