Sam Houston by R. L. Riley (ghostie) - Short, Western - Haunted by the past, a Texas Ranger and gunslinger have their day of reckoning in Ghost Christi.  9 pages. - pdf, format

Hey ghostie,

I thought this was good. I enjoyed it, and didn't catch any mistakes, although I would give PREACHER a name, since it's better to name all of your characters. Anyway, great job on this.

@Don... thanks for posting... appreciate it.

@ Crookedowl...

Thanks for the read... yeah, I thought about giving that joker a name.

I think I read some of your work.  I'll go back and check.  Anything new, let me know.

Thanks again

Ghostie

Hey Ghostie,

This is a fine piece, I enjoyed it. The writing is fluid, reads really quick and the dialogue was very impressive.

I enjoyed this little tale, reminded me of Sharon Stone’s character from “The Quick and the Dead” avenging her father’s death. I think you’ve done a brilliant job with this, so much detail and depth in 9 pages and have a created a great protag in Samantha Houston, there’s a lot of potential to take this character and her journey further.

A couple of personal nitpicks but nothing major.
                
                      JUAN
       This is coming from a man who spend
       more time in that whorehouse then at
       church. You should be ashamed of
       yourself.

I would change it to “spends” reads better IMO.

“Gunfire erupts from inside. Blacksmith, 20s, makes a hasty
departure. Bags of cash.” I would capitalise “gunfire”.

I struggled to find problems as you can tell, I really enjoyed this story

Great work!

Steve

@CoopBazinga...

Thanks for the read.  Glad you enjoyed it.  Atleast in my features I struggle with the dialogue.

Actually I had gunfire CAPPED initially, but decided to do away with it.  Yep, "Somes" sounds better.

I'll return the read, good notes...

Thanks again

Ghostie

I was actually confused a few times in this story, Ghost -- not by anything you did wrong technically, I suppose, but there are a few spots where I think you could adopt a better approach.

Right off the bat, you call your town, "Ghost Town".  Now, you know that to most of us this means a town that has been long abandoned, right?  I thought you meant to imply that all of these people were ghosts or something.  It is not until later that this is revealed as the actual name of the town.  I think you should select a different name, but maybe that one is just me.

Later, you go right from the Preacher's dialogue to Sam's guns -- and this was another, brief WTF moment.  I get that you are trying to introduce Sam off-screen, but I think you should introduce a few mini-slugs to help us understand that our eyes are directed elsewhere.  I thought the Preacher was pulling his pistols.

I question Juan's use of the word "bitch".  Not that it offends me, but it feels anachronistic in a way, and I would prefer something a bit more colorful anyway.

Small nitpick, Sam's dialogue should read, "They’ll hang, too."

I do like the bit with the Wanted posters -- that is a nice riff.  Consider having her pull down a couple more.  But having the guys eye the new poster "religiously" seems like an odd choice of words.

I would also question your use of a "pre-lap" for your first flashback.  I kind of figured out what you meant -- but I have never seen one actually used -- and who uses those anyway?  It took me out of the read, for sure.

And when you leave the flashback we have another very awkward transition. I can tell you for sure that BACK TO SCENE is the wrong slug here.  You need to tell us right away that we are at the Crazy Horse, as I was totally lost here for a few paragraphs.  And if Blacksmith is the man from the poster, it is certainly alright to tell us that, too.  Again, for clarity.

The final confrontation at the Crazy Horse is tense, and you set the scene well, as we are pulled forward with a sure sense that something is about to go down.  To me, this could be better still if you were to clarify the actual relationship between Sam and Blacksmith.  Brother and sister?  Is he her uncle?  I feel like you are being coy with us and I do not understand why.  It seems that at least a little more dialogue between these two is warranted to let us in on the secret.  (Unless I am missing something, of course, which is always a possibility...)

At the end of the day, all told, I did like your characters -- Sam in particular -- and I liked your style. Nothing drags here, and the scenes are crisp with little fat to them. It is an interesting story that leads to a satisfying conclusion.

The only real issues I had here were a few patches that I felt were lacking in clarity -- both in the transitions between scenes, and in that big question that remains seemingly unanswered at the conclusion.  Let me know if there are any issues I failed to address or need to clarify.

Quoted from bert I was actually confused a few times in this story, Ghost -- not by anything you did wrong technically, I suppose, but there are a few spots where I think you could adopt a better approach. Right off the bat, you call your town, "Ghost Town".  Now, you know that to most of us this means a town that has been long abandoned, right?  I thought you meant to imply that all of these people were ghosts or something.  It is not until later that this is revealed as the actual name of the town.  I think you should select a different name, but maybe that one is just me. I can see your point.  Fair enough.  Originally I had "China Grove," no kidding.  I'll look at it again. Later, you go right from the Preacher's dialogue to Sam's guns -- and this was another, brief WTF moment.  I get that you are trying to introduce Sam off-screen, but I think you should introduce a few mini-slugs to help us understand that our eyes are directed elsewhere.  I thought the Preacher was pulling his pistols. Hmmm... my intent was to focus on the peacemakers initially, because it comes into play later.  But I can see your point.  I'll re-think it. I question Juan's use of the word "bitch".  Not that it offends me, but it feels anachronistic in a way, and I would prefer something a bit more colorful anyway. Got it. Small nitpick, Sam's dialogue should read, "They’ll hang, too." Good catch. I do like the bit with the Wanted posters -- that is a nice riff.  Consider having her pull down a couple more.  But having the guys eye the new poster "religiously" seems like an odd choice of words. Will do. I would also question your use of a "pre-lap" for your first flashback.  I kind of figured out what you meant -- but I have never seen one actually used -- and who uses those anyway?  It took me out of the read, for sure. Pre-lap... it's still done all the time.   I was hoping it would sell the scene better.  Maybe it didn't.  I could go with a (V.O.) too. And when you leave the flashback we have another very awkward transition. I can tell you for sure that BACK TO SCENE is the wrong slug here. The first flashback, well, Sam was still outside, so naturally once it was over, I mean the scene didn't change,  so I went with BACK TO SCENE.  Now that I think about it, once she leaves the Sheriff's office, maybe I should throw in another slug... EXT.  GHOST TOWN - DAY.... before the flashback. You need to tell us right away that we are at the Crazy Horse, as I was totally lost here for a few paragraphs.   Well, I thought I did with the Crazy Horse slugline. I'll re-look at it too. And if Blacksmith is the man from the poster, it is certainly alright to tell us that, too.  Again, for clarity. And you would be correct. The final confrontation at the Crazy Horse is tense, and you set the scene well, as we are pulled forward with a sure sense that something is about to go down.  To me, this could be better still if you were to clarify the actual relationship between Sam and Blacksmith.  Brother and sister?  Is he her uncle?  I feel like you are being coy with us and I do not understand why.  It seems that at least a little more dialogue between these two is warranted to let us in on the secret.  (Unless I am missing something, of course, which is always a possibility...) Well, I wanted to give the audience 2 + 2 but not tell them it's 4.   I thought I left a few clues to their relationship.   I could add half-a-page and fill in more of the backstory for sure.  Maybe a quick flash.  Hopefully it will clear things up. At the end of the day, all told, I did like your characters -- Sam in particular -- and I liked your style. Nothing drags here, and the scenes are crisp with little fat to them. It is an interesting story that leads to a satisfying conclusion. Thanks for the kind words. The only real issues I had here were a few patches that I felt were lacking in clarity -- both in the transitions between scenes, and in that big question that remains seemingly unanswered at the conclusion.  That's what I was afraid of. You made some fine points.  The most important thing is clarity. I'll go back and re-do some things.  Like M. Cornetto said, "Maybe I tried to be too clever.

Bert, I really appreciate the detailed feedback.  I'll make changes. Thanks a bunch.

Ghostie

Ghostie

I liked this. The story is pretty standard, nothing new there but the vivid characterisation and extremely stylized writing technique you brought to it raised this to something more than your average western.

Like I say you have a very distinctive visual writing style, I love it. To be honest, it took me a couple of pages to get to grips with it. Your scene transitions are very specific, sometimes focusing on little details, props, extreme close-up without describing the scene in more general terms. It was sometimes hard to establish the geography of a scene, the spatial relationship between characters within a given locale.

KITTY (V.O.)
Here I thought I'd fallen on a gold
mine and it turns out you're the
law.

BACK TO SCENE

Kitty - smiles in appreciation.

KITTY
I could use a woman like you. The
pay is real good.

SAMANTHA
Thanks, but no thanks.

-- This is good example of what I’m talking about in terms of confusing scene transitions. Kitty seems to appear from nowhere since you only describe  “Samantha moves at a fast clip – distracted” in the scene immediately preceding the flashback. Then all of a sudden Kitty is smiling “in appreciation” and you’re wondering where did she come from!
Once I got on board with your technique though, it read much easier.

Some might criticise you for being overdetailed, over specific, that you should leave the particulars up the director etc but I thought it brought a vibrancy and urgency to the script, infused the read with a greater level of excitement and tension. We were introduced to
characters by quick movements; the reveal of a weapon, a pocket watch, wiping a bar counter.

I thought this idiosyncratic, character centric way of telling the story and progressing the plot as Sam tracked down her target lent itself perfectly to this type of story, giving it a spaghetti western feel. You could almost see/feel the heat, shifty eyes, stubble chin, sweat, booze, etc all the trademarks of a down and dirty gunslinger film.

I really love the character names; carefully chosen, colourful and amusing “Rowdy "rustler" Hancock” being a personal favourite.

Is it ok to not double space between scene headings and the previous dialogue or action line? It’s useful in conserving space but I find it clutters the page and sometimes the slugline can get lost.

Why did she want to meet Johnny Ringo? He was of no use to her as Picket and Winston gave her the information she needed concerning Blacksmith’s whereabouts.

BLACKSMITH
I don't believe in livin' in the
past. There's no future in it.

-- Fantastic line.

Overall, I really dug what you done here, Ghost. You’ve got a very interesting way of telling a story. I couldn’t help wondering if this was part of a bigger piece. It felt like you knew these characters inside out, that you’ve spent a lot of time with them. It seems like they all had developed back-stories and histories that we only got a glimpse of here.

Good work.

Col.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 Ghostie I liked this. The story is pretty standard, nothing new there but the vivid characterisation and extremely stylized writing technique you brought to it raised this to something more than your average western. Like I say you have a very distinctive visual writing style, I love it. To be honest, it took me a couple of pages to get to grips with it. Your scene transitions are very specific, sometimes focusing on little details, props, extreme close-up without describing the scene in more general terms. It was sometimes hard to establish the geography of a scene, the spatial relationship between characters within a given locale. KITTY (V.O.) Here I thought I'd fallen on a gold mine and it turns out you're the law. BACK TO SCENE Kitty - smiles in appreciation. KITTY I could use a woman like you. The pay is real good. SAMANTHA Thanks, but no thanks. -- This is good example of what I’m talking about in terms of confusing scene transitions. Kitty seems to appear from nowhere since you only describe  “Samantha moves at a fast clip – distracted” in the scene immediately preceding the flashback. Then all of a sudden Kitty is smiling “in appreciation” and you’re wondering where did she come from! Once I got on board with your technique though, it read much easier. Bert mentioned it too, clearly "Houston... we have a problem."   I'll go back and add another slug.  Hopefully it solves the problem. Some might criticise you for being overdetailed, over specific, that you should leave the particulars up the director etc but I thought it brought a vibrancy and urgency to the script, infused the read with a greater level of excitement and tension. We were introduced to characters by quick movements; the reveal of a weapon, a pocket watch, wiping a bar counter. Thanks for the kind words.  This is my style, this is how I write, If I tweak anything, It will be clarity, for sure. I thought this idiosyncratic, character centric way of telling the story and progressing the plot as Sam tracked down her target lent itself perfectly to this type of story, giving it a spaghetti western feel. You could almost see/feel the heat, shifty eyes, stubble chin, sweat, booze, etc all the trademarks of a down and dirty gunslinger film. I really love the character names; carefully chosen, colourful and amusing “Rowdy "rustler" Hancock” being a personal favourite. Thanks. Is it ok to not double space between scene headings and the previous dialogue or action line? It’s useful in conserving space but I find it clutters the page and sometimes the slugline can get lost. I use Movie Magic screenwriter, it's industry standard.   So i didn't think it was a big deal.  Maybe I'm taking that for granted. I'll look into it. Why did she want to meet Johnny Ringo? He was of no use to her as Picket and Winston gave her the information she needed concerning Blacksmith’s whereabouts. Johnny was just wanted in Abilene for murder.  She was sent to Ghost Town to bring him back.  That's all. BLACKSMITH I don't believe in livin' in the past. There's no future in it. -- Fantastic line. Overall, I really dug what you done here, Ghost. You’ve got a very interesting way of telling a story. I couldn’t help wondering if this was part of a bigger piece. It felt like you knew these characters inside out, that you’ve spent a lot of time with them. It seems like they all had developed back-stories and histories that we only got a glimpse of here. And you would be right, It started off as a feature about a year ago, i got to page 66, and felt I didn't have enough.  So I decided to turn it into a short.  I left a lot out.

Thanks a bunch Col... your reviews are always detailed and very insightful.  Do you have anything new, that I can look at?

Ghostie

Ghostie, I use MM as well, and for years peeps were bitching at me about not double spacing for Slugs.  I couldn't figure out how to fix it and thought this was just a quirk of MM, but awhile back, Screenrider, of all peeps, actually helped me out.

Here's the deal...

Go to the "Format" tab.  Then, click "Edit Script Formats...".  Inside there, you'll see that you have the ability to alter literally everything in your script's format.  Click on "Scene Headings" and change the "Lines Before:" to "2.0" in the "Line Spacing (in lines)" section, second from the top.

Once I started doing this, I have to agree that the scripts look much better and the Slugs stand out much better.  You can make this change on completed scripts, and/or use it for new ones.  Hope this helps.

I'll give your script a read ASAP.

Quoted from Dreamscale Ghostie, I use MM as well, and for years peeps were bitching at me about not double spacing for Slugs.  I couldn't figure out how to fix it and thought this was just a quirk of MM, but awhile back, Screenrider, of all peeps, actually helped me out. Here's the deal... Go to the "Format" tab.  Then, click "Edit Script Formats...".  Inside there, you'll see that you have the ability to alter literally everything in your script's format.  Click on "Scene Headings" and change the "Lines Before:" to "2.0" in the "Line Spacing (in lines)" section, second from the top. Once I started doing this, I have to agree that the scripts look much better and the Slugs stand out much better.  You can make this change on completed scripts, and/or use it for new ones.  Hope this helps.

Thanks a bunch man, I couldn't figure it out for th life of me.  Look forward to your review.

Ghost

Hi Ghost - gave this a read, and found it quite interesting. Seeing some of your comments made sense - I couldn't figure why it had been written at first - couldn't see a chance of it being produced as it seemed way too expensive for a nine page short - but you've cleared that up now.

I feel that you have a really lean story here that's well executed. It feels like it jumps focus, though - we have Juan, Kitty and Preacher all introduced, and none of them is the key character - that's fine and works well in a feature, but maybe in a short it's better to introduce the key character sooner - could have had Sam seeing Juan do his bit... just opinion.

I also felt there was a separation between the strength of the story and the way it was told - your style of writing, maybe. Some people have noted that they were really confused during periods of this, and I'd have to concur with them. I like mini slugs and stick them on a separate line - it makes it read quick and it's just really clear what's going on.

Regarding pre lap, far as I know, it's (O.S., PRE LAP), although I don't see why is can't be (V.O., etc). Later you had Kitty with just a voice over, so that came accros a bit inconsistent.

I like the detail - not too sure if this can be called style - I think it's important - what I needed was a little more clarity on things.

Got a bit confused on this:
She takes one down - swaps it for another.
SAMANTHA
Here. Hang this one.
I thought she'd put it on the wall - indicated by the 'swapped' - so this is detail, like the 'sawdust floats' is detail - one enhances, one detracts.

So great story - but I'd just reckon on some clarity here and there.

Simon

@Simon...

Thanks for the read.  Yeah, like I said before I didn't do a good job with clarifying things.  I'm going back and adjust Samantha's introduction.

The pre-lap... I'm just going to take it out and use (V.O.) instead.  That or either just include Dolly's dialogue in the flashback.

Good catch about the poster swap.  I'll make the changes on the fly.

I don't normally write shorts, that don't work for me.  I try to cram too much into too little.  My focus, 90% of the time is on my features.

I wrote this with no intentions of every having it filmed.

Thanks again for the read, Simon.  Much appreciated.

I'll return the read.

Ghostie

Ghostie, gave this a read.  Wish I could be more positive…I really do…but I can’t.

IMO, this is a mess in so many ways, and the vast majority of the problems are due to the style of writing you’re attempting.  It looks like many reviewers enjoy your writing, so that’s good.  Bert alluded to a few issues, which I agree with, but I’ll go a bit deeper.  Keep in mind this is merely my opinion, and you can write any way you want to, and if it works for you and your readers, who am I to say otherwise.

First off, it appears to me that you read some screenwriting books or Pro scripts and have decided to try and emulate them and this particular sparse style.  When this is done effectively, it can totally work…I just don’t think it is here, and I’ll bring up examples of where and why I feel it’s working against you.

Like others have said, starting off with “GHOST TOWN” is a big problem.  First of all, I can’t imagine any town actually being called this.  But, more importantly, your opening passage alludes to the exact confusion the name elicits.  Check this out – “Remains of a run-down mining village. Utterly deserted.” – Not only is this passage devoid of any real visual detail, the visual that it does paint isn’t what you’re after in any way.  It’s soon made clear that a guy is dragging a chick through the street while “a handful of townspeople” watch.  So, the town is far from “utterly deserted”.

To go a bit deeper here, the sparse action/description lines work against you here so much.  None of these opening lines are remotely close to complete sentences, which gives the visual of static shots – at least for me.  There’s very little action being described, and because of that, the scene comes off very lifeless for me.

Your dialogue doesn’t come off as realistic to me.  It’s too “proper” in many places.  Just doesn’t work, IMO.

You have a tendency to intro characters OS, which to me, is a mistake.  It’s actually a form of directing that you don’t need to attempt, IMO.

I want to throw this out quickly.  On Page 1, as you intro “Preacher”, you end on the short “sentence”, ‘A bible at his side.”  Obviously, this is a fragment, that doesn’t stand up on its own.  I don’t understand why you wouldn’t include this with the line before it.  There are numerous examples of this throughout and for me, it’s a problem every time it shows up.

On Page 2, you have some very creative messed up prose going on, and again, it’s as if you’re trying way too hard to be witty, cool, and hip, when in reality, it comes off the opposite way, for me at least.  Check this out…

“Preacher squints... looks across the way... wild-eyed --
-- A gloved hand pulls a duster back. It buttons a strap,
reveals...
A gun-belt atop a slim waist with a pair of nickel-plated
Colt peacemakers.

When you use an ellipsis, you don’t skip a space after it.  Here, you use both ellipses and double dashes, and for me, it just doesn’t work.  Then, you attempt to totally direct the shot by not introing Sam until after all this stuff and her opening line of dialogue.  It reads confusingly.  It reads awkwardly. As far as I’m concerned, it reads incorrectly.

Same deal with the direction on the gunfight.  Some will enjoy this style, but for me, I actually detest it.  It’s not the writer’s job to direct the shots.  It’s your job to tell the story in an engaging, visual way.

I’m not going to bring up exact details, but lots of missing commas and clunky sentence structure going on.  Orphans running  around here and there.

On Page 3, you have a double dash, followed by a single dash on the next line.  You’ve already used underlining and all CAPS as well as ellipses.  You’ve also got asides and the previously mentioned direction.  Doesn’t look good – too much “stuff” on display..  Looks like you’re throwing the entire kitchen sink into the porridge here.

Page 4 – There’s an awful lot going on here already – too much, IMO.  Things happen, and then we immediately move on.  For instance, what happened to Kitty?  It’s the lack of details that’s hurting, as well as the jumbled , hip style, IMO.

“The door shuts behind Samantha.” – A complete throw away line, IMO.  It’s also awkwardly written.

And here we go again.  Check out this line – “Main street... Samantha moves at a fast clip - distracted.” – You’ve got an incorrectly used ellipsis and a dash in this 1 “sentence”, that isn’t a sentence, again.  Just reads and looks very awkward.

Page 5 – Oh boy, now you’re really taking things too far in the direction.  I’ve personally never seen a “PRE-LAP” labeled in a script.  Of course, we’ve all seen these used in film, but it’s the director’s decision.  Absolutely no reason for you to do this or attempt to do this, or want to do this.  Really takes one out of the read.

So, we now go into an awkward Flashback, that’s also written technically incorrect, IMO, especially the way you leave it.  As I always recommend for Flashbacks, just use “BEGIN FLASHBACK:” and write a new Slug for wherever the Flashback takes place.  This way, your Flashback can include multiple places (Slugs).  When it ends, just use, “END FLASHBACK.”  That will return you to the last Slug before the Flashback begun.

This whole Flashback is confusing, as well, as you’re not giving us Sam’s age in it.  It doesn’t help that you intro’d her as being in her “20’s), as that’s a pretty wide range.  But now, we have no clue when this Flashback is taking place.  I have to assume Sam is younger, but you’re not providing those details.

“Stare down.  Their hearts breaking.” – Another example of this writing style that doesn’t work in any way.  It’s so awkward and the opposite of visual writing.

After your “BACK TO SCENE”, the passages are very, VERY awkward and confusing.  Also missing “of” in the first line.  Just doesn’t work and causes the reader to pause to try and figure out exactly what’s going on and what you’re getting at.

Page 6 – “As polite as she can be… Samantha excuses herself.” – Ghostie, damn, man, c’mon now.  This is not how ellipses are used – no way.  So awkward.

It’s getting to the point where I’m actually being irritated with these dashes, ellipses, double dashes, etc.  Totally taken out of the read.

Now, we’ve got VO dialogue trying to tell a backstory – just too much…way too much.  Over the top and completely unnecessary, IMO.

More direction of the shots, more awkward writing.   I’m frustrated.

And another Flashback, this time from a different person’s POV, which is an issue for sure, IMO.  And here we have another character with the same name as our Protag, which is again, confusing.  

Ghostie, IMO, just way too much going on in such a short script.  You went big here, but for me, it’s a number of whiffs.  If this is the way you want to write, that’s your choice, but it’s extremely grating and irritating as far as I’m concerned.

This same story could be told in a much cleaner and easier to read way.  It’s tough to get all this in 8 pages, and IMO, it’s just too much of a story.  Keep in mind that all this takes place within a few minutes, other than the Flashbacks, of course.  Because of that, it just doesn’t seem remotely believable.

I’m sorry if this all seems harsh, but this writing style really does grate on me and could be why my tone got worse the further I read.  I do hope some of this makes sense and helps, and again, my apologies for being harsh.

Take care.

Quoted from Dreamscale Ghostie, gave this a read.  Wish I could be more positive…I really do…but I can’t. Can't please everyone.  I'll take the good with the bad.  You've got to have a think skin for this business. IMO, this is a mess in so many ways, and the vast majority of the problems are due to the style of writing you’re attempting.  It looks like many reviewers enjoy your writing, so that’s good.  Bert alluded to a few issues, which I agree with, but I’ll go a bit deeper.  Keep in mind this is merely my opinion, and you can write any way you want to, and if it works for you and your readers, who am I to say otherwise. Something we agree on. First off, it appears to me that you read some screenwriting books or Pro scripts and have decided to try and emulate them and this particular sparse style.  When this is done effectively, it can totally work…I just don’t think it is here, and I’ll bring up examples of where and why I feel it’s working against you. Like others have said, starting off with “GHOST TOWN” is a big problem.  First of all, I can’t imagine any town actually being called this.  But, more importantly, your opening passage alludes to the exact confusion the name elicits.  Check this out – “Remains of a run-down mining village. Utterly deserted.” – Not only is this passage devoid of any real visual detail, the visual that it does paint isn’t what you’re after in any way.  It’s soon made clear that a guy is dragging a chick through the street while “a handful of townspeople” watch.  So, the town is far from “utterly deserted”. As Bert alluded too earlier, I do agree, confusion is not what I was after.  I'll go back amd make the adjustment. To go a bit deeper here, the sparse action/description lines work against you here so much.  None of these opening lines are remotely close to complete sentences, which gives the visual of static shots – at least for me.  There’s very little action being described, and because of that, the scene comes off very lifeless for me. Your dialogue doesn’t come off as realistic to me.  It’s too “proper” in many places.  Just doesn’t work, IMO. You have a tendency to intro characters OS, which to me, is a mistake.  It’s actually a form of directing that you don’t need to attempt, IMO. And here... will just have to disagree.   There are no hard rules - I write my scripts in a style that works for me.  Make no mistake about it... my focus is simply the story inside my head.  And if I need to break some precieved rules that have been debunked many times before, I will. It's pretty liberating actually.  We can debate, or argue personal style until the sun goes super nova.  So will just have to disagree. I want to throw this out quickly.  On Page 1, as you intro “Preacher”, you end on the short “sentence”, ‘A bible at his side.”  Obviously, this is a fragment, that doesn’t stand up on its own.  I don’t understand why you wouldn’t include this with the line before it.  There are numerous examples of this throughout and for me, it’s a problem every time it shows up. On Page 2, you have some very creative messed up prose going on, and again, it’s as if you’re trying way too hard to be witty, cool, and hip, when in reality, it comes off the opposite way, for me at least.  Check this out… “Preacher squints... looks across the way... wild-eyed -- -- A gloved hand pulls a duster back. It buttons a strap, reveals... A gun-belt atop a slim waist with a pair of nickel-plated Colt peacemakers. When you use an ellipsis, you don’t skip a space after it. ellipsis are used in action/descriptions all the time.  They've been done with and without the space. Here, you use both ellipses and double dashes, and for me, it just doesn’t work.  Then, you attempt to totally direct the shot by not introing Sam until after all this stuff and her opening line of dialogue.  It reads confusingly.  It reads awkwardly. As far as I’m concerned, it reads incorrectly. Your opinion.  But as with all feedback I get... I'll go back and take a look. Same deal with the direction on the gunfight.  Some will enjoy this style, but for me, I actually detest it.  It’s not the writer’s job to direct the shots.   I think I covered this... and I'll add... I never direct explicitly the camera in my scripts. It’s your job to tell the story in an engaging, visual way. And I thought I did that. As I have trumpeted many times before... screenwriting is very subjective. “The door shuts behind Samantha.” – A complete throw away line, IMO.  It’s also awkwardly written. Actually, I think it reads fine. So, we now go into an awkward Flashback, that’s also written technically incorrect, IMO, especially the way you leave it.  As I always recommend for Flashbacks, just use “BEGIN FLASHBACK:” and write a new Slug for wherever the Flashback takes place.  This way, your Flashback can include multiple places (Slugs).  When it ends, just use, “END FLASHBACK.”  That will return you to the last Slug before the Flashback begun. There's several ways to handle flashbacks and the way I do mine is acceptable. This whole Flashback is confusing, as well, as you’re not giving us Sam’s age in it.  It doesn’t help that you intro’d her as being in her “20’s), as that’s a pretty wide range.  But now, we have no clue when this Flashback is taking place.  I have to assume Sam is younger, but you’re not providing those details. After your “BACK TO SCENE”, the passages are very, VERY awkward and confusing.  Also missing “of” in the first line.  Just doesn’t work and causes the reader to pause to try and figure out exactly what’s going on and what you’re getting at. My execution in regards to the flashbacks here, I do admit, can be done better.   Confusion is not what I was after.  When i go back and tweak this... I'll make sure I fix the problem. It’s getting to the point where I’m actually being irritated with these dashes, ellipses, double dashes, etc.  Totally taken out of the read. This goes for you or anyone... if things like this takes you out... and I hate to say this, but... stop reading. Now, we’ve got VO dialogue trying to tell a backstory – just too much…way too much.  Over the top and completely unnecessary, IMO. Last minute changes there.  I didn't want to clutter this with another flashback.  If I go back and re-write this completely... I'll probably add another page and complete the backstory. This same story could be told in a much cleaner and easier to read way.  It’s tough to get all this in 8 pages, and IMO, it’s just too much of a story.  Keep in mind that all this takes place within a few minutes, other than the Flashbacks, of course.  Because of that, it just doesn’t seem remotely believable. Like I said the execution could be much better and the story can be told in a much cleaner way... I agree.  Clearly some parts are confusing.  The "Writer's" fault. I'll make a few tweaks. I’m sorry if this all seems harsh, but this writing style really does grate on me and could be why my tone got worse the further I read.  I do hope some of this makes sense and helps, and again, my apologies for being harsh. No apologies needed. Clearly, we have different approaches when it comes to screenwriting.  And that's all right.  If anything, this helps me to take a second look at my features.

Again Dreamscale,

Thanks for the feedback, your reviews are always helpful.

Ghostie

Quoted from Dreamscale On Page 1, as you intro 'Preacher', you end on the short 'sentence', 'A bible at his side.'  Obviously, this is a fragment, that doesn't stand up on its own.

"On the other hand, sentence fragments are a screenwriter's stock in trade." (Terry Rossio).

Simon, that's a pretty piss poor quote you presented there, bro.  Learn to use the quote tool or just copy paste your quotes and use quotation marks.  This looks like crap.

I have nothing against fragments when they're presented properly, for a reason.  Nothing against Ghost, but since you decided to call me out on this, I'll play along.

What is the reason to have this fragment stand on it's own, when it's cleaner and much "more correct" grammatically to use a comma and include it in the sentence that preceded it?  Do tell, Simon.

Quoted from Dreamscale Simon, that's a pretty piss poor quote you presented there, bro.  Learn to use the quote tool or just copy paste your quotes and use quotation marks.  This looks like crap. I have nothing against fragments when they're presented properly, for a reason.  Nothing against Ghost, but since you decided to call me out on this, I'll play along. What is the reason to have this fragment stand on it's own, when it's cleaner and much "more correct" grammatically to use a comma and include it in the sentence that preceded it?  Do tell, Simon.

It's called a beat.

Part of the rhythm.

Don't be dense. A fragment is incorrect, it can't be presented properly, it can only be presented for effect.

Seeing you're being slow on the uptake, consider this a bone thrown: it's written for impact. IMO. it did it's job.

Quoted from Forgive It's called a beat, you idiot. Part of the rhythm. Don't be dense. A fragment is incorrect, it can't be presented properly, it can only be presented for effect. Seeing you're being slow on the uptake, consider this a bone thrown: it's written for impact. IMO. it did it's job.

Uh oh...Simon's calling names now.     HaHa...that's funny, actually.

Sorry, Ghostie, but you know I'm going to respond to any and all asswipes, and this Simon clown is asking for a response.

OK Simon, so you're saying this is a "beat" and it's being used for the effect.  Uh huh...the effect of...ummm...hmmm...you got me.  What is the effect here?  The fact that a "Preacher" is holding a bible?  Does this bible, or even this Preacher have anything to do with this script and story?  Do either the Preacher or his bible come into play again, at any time in this script?  No, they don't as far as I remember.

So help me out, Simon, as I am a little slow on the uptake.  Throw me another bone, could you?  I want to learn and you seem to think you can help us all with your wealth of knowledge.

Thanks in advance.

P.S. Nice job on cleaning up your quote, Simon.  You're a fast study, aren't you?  Very impressive...

Quoted from Dreamscale Ghostie, I use MM as well, and for years peeps were bitching at me about not double spacing for Slugs.  I couldn't figure out how to fix it and thought this was just a quirk of MM, but awhile back, Screenrider, of all peeps, actually helped me out. Here's the deal... Go to the "Format" tab.  Then, click "Edit Script Formats...".  Inside there, you'll see that you have the ability to alter literally everything in your script's format.  Click on "Scene Headings" and change the "Lines Before:" to "2.0" in the "Line Spacing (in lines)" section, second from the top. Once I started doing this, I have to agree that the scripts look much better and the Slugs stand out much better.  You can make this change on completed scripts, and/or use it for new ones.  Hope this helps.

Hey Jeff,

I use MM as well so thanks for that little nugget of information.

Steve

Quoted from Dreamscale Uh huh...the effect of...ummm...hmmm...you got me.   So help me out, Simon, as I am a little slow on the uptake.   P.S. Nice job on cleaning up your quote, Simon.

Hi Dreamie. Like I said, impact, including brevity of read.

Now that's two bones you've had - don't be greedy.

Hi Riley.
Nice story, but nothing original though. On p-2 who stares at Kitty? Preacher or Juan? It is not clear. On the very top of p-3 Samantha's dialod should say suppose or supposed?



Hope it was useful.

Jahongir.

Quoted from Forgive Hi Dreamie. Like I said, impact, including brevity of read. Now that's two bones you've had - don't be greedy.

Simon, that's awful nice of you to share your vast knowledge of screenwriting with folks like little old me.  You're truly one Hell of a swell guy.

But, for some odd reason, you chose to completely ignore what I just brought up.  Let me help you out again.  You're talking about "impact" now..."effect" before.  The line in question involves the Preacher's trusty bible, but it doesn't have anything to do with the script and is never mentioned again.  So why would you continue on about it being important or remotely good, to highlight it?  What fucking "impact" are you referring to?

Simon, I thought your name sounded familiar but I couldn't place you, so I did a little digging and found you're the douche who entered a 2010 OWC, didn't read a single entry, and then argued for days with peeps about it, saying you didn't know how to open the scripts, didn't know you were expected to read, etc.  Based on all your recent reviews, packed to the hilt with so many nuggets of expertise, it sure seems like you've come a long way in a year and a half, huh?  Or, maybe the better and more accurate way to look at it is, once a douche, always a douche.  I like that better, personally.

Quoted from Dreamscale once a douche, always a douche.  I like that better, personally.

We are all entitled to our opinions, so I'm not going to take that away from you.

"Fact. Detail. Compact." As said by John Turturro, as written by Orci & Kurtzman.

The Preacher's line satisfies this to my mind. Your point about him not coming into play later may have some validity, but he is there at that point, and he is introduced in a way that satisfies the above - marching along, quick look at the bible, done briefly - you may not like it - doesn't mean it's wrong.

I've deleted part of my comment from above, as I've been PM'd about it and accept it wasn't right.

Simon

OK, you guys.  Ghost is not going to appreciate all of this nonsense cluttering up his thread.

Let's afford one of our contributing members a little more respect than that, please.

Thanks in advance.

My apologies to Ghostie, and I do mean that sincerely.

Yo Ghostie!

It's a good day when you get new Ghostie pages!
Even if seizure inducing spiders are looming above my benign icon. O_o

I don't have an issue with the GHOST TOWN slug in an of itself so much.
But indicating a time period would've been helpful to me.
Not even a SUPER per se. Could be an old car on the street.
A restaurant sign: Steak Dinner. Two Bits. Something like that is cool too.

As to O.S. character intros. I can take them or leave them.
But using the character name before introduced, I've gotten dinged on that. So...

OLD MAN VOICE (O.S.)
Juan , just wait one minute.

Then after Preacher's intro, use the character slug for dialogue.
That way, the reader knows what that O.S. voice sounds like.
It's a bit of a flourish, but when it works on me as a reader, it's a good thing.
Indicates to me, the writer has some "movie sense".
When it clunks, I know it's not likely to be a fluid read.

P. 1
Juan's dialogue typo.
"spend" should be "spends".

P. 2
"barrels barking" didn't translate into shooting for me.

P. 5
The Pre-Lap thing tripped up my read.
Never seen that on a spec before.

P. 7
I don't think hyphenated sadness is the way to go here.
It's the moment Sam's been waiting for. Seems deserving of better words.

P. 8
Makes no sense to me Jose would alert Sam, THEN charge into the saloon.
He totally gives away the element of surprise.

So, Samantha's in town to collect a convict.
I guess it's happenstance that the Blacksmith was in town?

I had a hard time following some of the action.
While the flashbacks inform me of what's up, they didn't draw me into the story.
The characters felt more like caricatures of the Old West.
And the wrap up was an complete 180 from the set up.
I got all the action, but I felt like I was missing the reasons why I should be invested.
I'd rather you told one story in depth than cover as much ground as you did.

It's good to experiment with one's style, so long as you keep evolving and refining.

Hope this helps. Keep writing and rewriting!

Regards,
E.D.

I see you have a lot of comments on your script already. Good for you, you've always been a good reader and reviewer yourself. You deserve it. I'll try to not repeat and instead you'll get weird nitpicks from me.  

I liked the story, but I think some changes might be needed. IMHO at least.

First off, I think you need to change Kitty's name. Reminds way too much of Miss Kitty of Gunsmoke…

Did you ever read my western  Savage Frontier ? My hero was also a female gunslinger/sheriff…and her name was Samantha!!!    Small world!!!

I have been wondering for a long time how long the word "fuck" has been in use. You don't have a date where your story is supposed to take place, but one would assume somewhere in the 1800s to early 1900. Was fucking really a word used at that time?  Same for "bitch". I could be wrong, but they just don't feel right for that long ago. Feels like nowadays. Just a thought.

I think having Sam being age 20 is a bit young for what she's doing especially for a female.

I would also suggest using better action verbs. Instead of "walks briskly" why not use march or some other word that better describes the walk with just one word. Look up better action words in a thesaurus. It took me a while to get used to doing that, but now when I read I get annoyed at all the 'ly words describing everything. My pet peeve is "slowly". Don't know how many times people overuse this.  Maybe it's just me.  

The story itself works. I don't have anything to object about it. I liked the Wanted posters. Also like any story where there's some female kicking butt. Not enough of those around if you ask me.

Good to see something of yours posted and I hope everyone's comments are as helpful to you as you've been to us.  

Quoted from Jahon Bahrom Hi Riley. Nice story, but nothing original though. On p-2 who stares at Kitty? Preacher or Juan? It is not clear. On the very top of p-3 Samantha's dialod should say suppose or supposed? Hope it was useful.

Jahon, thanks, glad you liked it.  I'll return the read .

Ghostie  

Quoted from Electric Dreamer It's a good day when you get new Ghostie pages! Even if seizure inducing spiders are looming above my benign icon. O_o I don't have an issue with the GHOST TOWN slug in an of itself so much. But indicating a time period would've been helpful to me. Not even a SUPER per se. Could be an old car on the street. A restaurant sign: Steak Dinner. Two Bits. Something like that is cool too. Good to hear about the slug.  But I'll probably end up changing it in the end. As to O.S. character intros. I can take them or leave them. But using the character name before introduced, I've gotten dinged on that. So... OLD MAN VOICE (O.S.) Juan , just wait one minute. Then after Preacher's intro, use the character slug for dialogue. That way, the reader knows what that O.S. voice sounds like. It's a bit of a flourish, but when it works on me as a reader, it's a good thing. Indicates to me, the writer has some "movie sense". When it clunks, I know it's not likely to be a fluid read. Good advice. P. 1 Juan's dialogue typo. "spend" should be "spends". Yeah, Coop beat you to it.  I was hoping for grammical error free. P. 5 The Pre-Lap thing tripped up my read. Never seen that on a spec before. Yeah, just took that whole thing out, then went back and hopefully cleared up all the confusion. P. 7 I don't think hyphenated sadness is the way to go here. It's the moment Sam's been waiting for. Seems deserving of better words. I'll take another stab at it. P. 8 Makes no sense to me Jose would alert Sam, THEN charge into the saloon. He totally gives away the element of surprise. Good Point. I had a hard time following some of the action. While the flashbacks inform me of what's up, they didn't draw me into the story. The characters felt more like caricatures of the Old West. And the wrap up was an complete 180 from the set up. I got all the action, but I felt like I was missing the reasons why I should be invested. I'd rather you told one story in depth than cover as much ground as you did. I try to avoid writing shorts.  They just don't work for me.  I should have kept this simple.

Thanks E.D.,  Appreciate the read.  Always good to get a review from one of the most respected members here.  I tweaked most of the issues, mainly to clear up most of the confusion.  If I ever go back and re-write this, which I probably wont, it will look much different for sure.

I would have used the multiple quotes... but I haven't figured that out yet.

Thanks again, great notes as usual.

Ghostie

Quoted from Grandma Bear First off, I think you need to change Kitty's name. Reminds way too much of Miss Kitty of Gunsmoke… Easy fix. Did you ever read my western   Savage Frontier ? My hero was also a female gunslinger/sheriff…and her name was Samantha!!!    Small world!!! Never read it. I have been wondering for a long time how long the word "fuck" has been in use. You don't have a date where your story is supposed to take place, but one would assume somewhere in the 1800s to early 1900. Was fucking really a word used at that time?  Same for "bitch". I could be wrong, but they just don't feel right for that long ago. Feels like nowadays. Just a thought. Yeah I was thinking about that.  I'll go back and take those out.  Bert also highlighted it. I think having Sam being age 20 is a bit young for what she's doing especially for a female. I'll make an adjustment. I would also suggest using better action verbs. Instead of "walks briskly" why not use march or some other word that better describes the walk with just one word. Look up better action words in a thesaurus. It took me a while to get used to doing that, but now when I read I get annoyed at all the 'ly words describing everything. I agree.  But it was a short, so I wasn't too concerned about it.  Something to keep in mind as I re-write my features for sure. The story itself works. I don't have anything to object about it. I liked the Wanted posters. Also like any story where there's some female kicking butt. Not enough of those around if you ask me. True.  I'm glad it worked for you.  Hopefully you weren't confused.

Thanks a bunch Pia, I really appreciate the read from one of the best.

Ghostie

Hey Ghost,

Glad to see some work from you getting much deserved reads. Gotta be honest, I just thought this was okay. I like the premise you have going here. Sam seeking revenge on her biological father for the death of the man who raised her, I just thought this story was clunky and a bit rushed at times.

I would've liked a better intro for Sam. Right now its pretty run-of-the-mill opening gun fight. I'm not even sure it was necessary. It doesn't add a whole lot and there are other ways you could show Sam is pretty bad-ass.

Maybe if she pistol whipped Juan and embarassed him in front of the town. THen he returns with his brother to seek revenge. Could make a better ending gunfight. Just a suggestion.

pg 3
JOHNNY
A Texas Ranger. -- I think this should be a question mark.

I'll admit, I've never seen FLASHBACK at the beginning of a full slug. Doesn't mean its not acceptable, I've just never seen it written that way before.

I thought that Sam seemed to forgive Blacksmith too fast at the end. That just didn't feel right. For a short, I would've preferred he died saving her life. If you expand on this, I think sam should still hate his guts and maybe he struggles trying to win her forgivenss.

Anyway, Like I said, really like the premise here, just lost believability for me at the end. Felt out of Sam's character. Good luck with it, if you give it a rewrite let me know. Sorry if any comments were already brought up, I didn't read all of the others.

James

Quoted from Grandma Bear I have been wondering for a long time how long the word "fuck" has been in use.

The usually accepted first known occurrence is in code in a poem in a mixture of Latin and English composed some time before 1500. (wiki)

Written form only attested from early 16c. OED 2nd edition cites 1503, in the form fukkit; earliest appearance of current spelling is 1535 -- "Bischops ... may fuck thair fill and be vnmaryit" [Sir David Lyndesay, "Ane Satyre of the Thrie Estaits"]
http://www.etymonline.com/index.php?term=fuck

You asked.

Thank you for that info!  

The real question though is, if it was in use as regular language and then true to every day conversation at the time.

Quoted from jwent6688 Sam seeking revenge on her biological father for the death of the man who raised her... That's it.  You got it.  I guess I cleaned up the confusion. I just thought this story was clunky and a bit rushed at times. Yeah, it's part of a bigger story. And I didn't want to drag this joker out any longer. I would've liked a better intro for Sam. Right now its pretty run-of-the-mill opening gun fight. I'm not even sure it was necessary. It doesn't add a whole lot and there are other ways you could show Sam is pretty bad-ass. Maybe if she pistol whipped Juan and embarassed him in front of the town. THen he returns with his brother to seek revenge. Could make a better ending gunfight. Just a suggestion. And a good one too.  I never thought of this.  But I wanted to foreshadow Juan's brother for the final gunfight scene. pg 3 JOHNNY A Texas Ranger. -- I think this should be a question mark. Me too... good catch. I thought that Sam seemed to forgive Blacksmith too fast at the end. That just didn't feel right. For a short, I would've preferred he died saving her life. Originally, I had him die in that scene, but I debated over it for awhile.  But in the end I wanted to leave it open to the audience... But I was going for a man's last day before his execution,... last chance for a father and daughter to talk.  A healing process. "Some wounds never heal... some tears never will... we need to understand... but no need to forgive."  Sort of thing. If you expand on this, I think sam should still hate his guts and maybe he struggles trying to win her forgivenss. Good Idea.  If I ever go back and re-do this, and I probably wont, because my focus is on my features, I'll consider it.

Thanks for the read, my friend, much appreciated.

Ghostie

Hi - I see you've cleaned this up some - reads better now. I completely missed the biological father angle first read.

I'm a bit confused with:

DOLLY, 50s, haggard, hangs up clothes. There's something
ludicrous about it.

I'm not sure what the ludicrous is aimed at...?

Quoted from Forgive Hi - I see you've cleaned this up some - reads better now. I completely missed the biological father angle first read. The writer's Fault. DOLLY, 50s, haggard, hangs up clothes. There's something ludicrous about it. Originally when I wrote this, I had a flashback with a young Samantha hanging up clothes with Dolly and Sam.  It was suppose to be a humorous scene.  I just forgot to delete it. Good catch.  It's gone now.

Thanks again.  What can I read of yours.  let me know.

Ghost

Hey ghostie,

Meant to get to this earlier in the week so I apologize for my tardiness. I see you've gotten a lot of comments, so I'll try not to repeat what's already been said, and I'll just add some odds and ends.

First, to address your writing style - I like it, and to suggest that it goes against convention or is not acceptable in some way is hogwash. It's important for writers to find their voice, and you certainly have one.

As for the story, I liked it. The premise is good and it kept me reading.

What I would concentrate on if I were you is pace. Westerns are probably the only genre where the narratives should outpace the dialogue by a wide margin, and you have a very talky piece here with a lot of characters jammed into 9 pages. I think you need to linger longer on some descriptions. Let the characters breathe more. Show us some reactions that give us insight into what the character might say next, this way when they say it, we say "uh huh, that makes sense." Does that make sense?

A good example of this is your first page. It's nearly all dialogue. And Juan first begins to speak like Eli Wallach in The Magnificent Seven, and then morphs later on into a southern drawling type. Watch for this - make sure each character speaks in his or her own voice throughout. I thought the preacher's dialogue was odd too, and I'm not sure he's needed here - I might sacrifice him in order to give this narrative length.

(also, Juan's last name is Curveo - did you mean Cuervo? The reason I ask is because you seem to be going for a gag by naming his brother Jose. I'd scrap that, as it's a bit of a groaner and the rest of your piece is a straight up action / drama.)

And pragmatically, what do you intend to do with a 9 page western? I see from the comments that you have a much longer version of this - if so I would flesh this out to between 20-30 pages.

Here's why - first, as I mentioned earlier, it would give it texture, feeling, etc. by allowing you to increase the narratives and give the characters some backstory.  Second, think of someone trying to film this - at 9 pages they'd go about a day and a half - so why would anyone invest in period costumes, a period location, etc. for this short amount of time? It's possible that someone might latch on to a 20-30 minute version of this as a show reel, with the intent of catching the eye of someone who might want to turn it into a feature. Just because you couldn't get beyond 66 pages doesn't mean someone else might not have an idea of how to do it, and want to co-develop this with you.

Other than that, watch for the odd "odd" punctuation (commas where they don't belong) and I think that you have the makings of a very atmospheric, entertaining story here. Good luck with it!

AJR

Quoted from ajr Hey ghostie, Meant to get to this earlier in the week so I apologize for my tardiness. No need too.  You're a busy man.  Thanks for the look. First, to address your writing style - I like it, and to suggest that it goes against convention or is not acceptable in some way is hogwash. It's important for writers to find their voice, and you certainly have one. Thanks,  Most don't care for it, but that's all right.  I do.  My features are written a bit different though. As for the story, I liked it. The premise is good and it kept me reading. What I would concentrate on if I were you is pace. Westerns are probably the only genre where the narratives should outpace the dialogue by a wide margin, and you have a very talky piece here with a lot of characters jammed into 9 pages. I think you need to linger longer on some descriptions. Let the characters breathe more. Show us some reactions that give us insight into what the character might say next, this way when they say it, we say "uh huh, that makes sense." Does that make sense? A good example of this is your first page. It's nearly all dialogue. And Juan first begins to speak like Eli Wallach in The Magnificent Seven, and then morphs later on into a southern drawling type. Ah, you caught that.  It was on purpose, but I do agree keep their own voice for sure. Watch for this - make sure each character speaks in his or her own voice throughout. I thought the preacher's dialogue was odd too, and I'm not sure he's needed here - I might sacrifice him in order to give this narrative length. Yeah, someone else mentioned that.  It's worth another look. (also, Juan's last name is Curveo - did you mean Cuervo? The reason I ask is because you seem to be going for a gag by naming his brother Jose. I'd scrap that, as it's a bit of a groaner and the rest of your piece is a straight up action / drama.) And you would be correct here.  I'll change that for sure. And pragmatically, what do you intend to do with a 9 page western? I see from the comments that you have a much longer version of this - if so I would flesh this out to between 20-30 pages. Here's why - first, as I mentioned earlier, it would give it texture, feeling, etc. by allowing you to increase the narratives and give the characters some backstory.  Second, think of someone trying to film this - at 9 pages they'd go about a day and a half - so why would anyone invest in period costumes, a period location, etc. for this short amount of time? It's possible that someone might latch on to a 20-30 minute version of this as a show reel, with the intent of catching the eye of someone who might want to turn it into a feature. Just because you couldn't get beyond 66 pages doesn't mean someone else might not have an idea of how to do it, and want to co-develop this with you. Good point.  If I go back and try and re-tackle the script Ill definitely apply your notes for sure. Other than that, watch for the odd "odd" punctuation (commas where they don't belong) and I think that you have the makings of a very atmospheric, entertaining story here. Yeah, you're right, I admit I got a little carried away here.  It's definitely makes for a bad kink in my armor.

Thanks my friend, I'm grateful and appreciate you taking the time.  Your notes and insight were very helpful, and I'll put them to good use.


Ghostie

Hey Ghostie,

I'm sure I've read an earlier draft of this - maybe a couple of years ago.   And it still seems pretty close to the draft I read, except I remember a bit more action in that draft.?

Well, I'm still not a big fan of Westerns but I like the idea of a Cat Ballou type heroine.  I also like the gender mistaken Sam.  However, I'm not sure about using the name Sam Houston because that is an historical figure and he didn't die at the hands of a blacksmith - far as I could determine.

Quoted from wiki In 1862, Houston returned to Huntsville, Texas, and rented the Steamboat House; the hills in Huntsville reminded him of his boyhood home in Tennessee. Houston was active in the Masonic Lodge, transferring his membership to Forrest Lodge #19. His health deteriorated in 1863 due to a persistent cough. In mid-July, Houston developed pneumonia. He died on July 26, 1863 at Steamboat House, with his wife Margaret by his side. His last recorded words were, "Texas! Texas! Margaret..

But, of course, you meant a different Sam Houston.   And the revenge story works.   However, there were a couple of things I think you could do to improve it.

The first is the biggest.  That would be the fact that the Blacksmith saves the day.  It's all well and fine to give him a chance at redemption but I think since this is a western and Sam is the heroine - she needs to be the one to kill Juan.   The blacksmith can still attempt to save her and get wounded but she still needs to struggle and overcome the villain.        

The second thing I would maybe consider would be to get rid of the flashbacks and tell the story in a linear fashion.  While sometimes flashbacks help further the dramatic tension - I don't think they really do that here.   I think they tell us information we need to know but not really anything that has a reason to be held back.  

As a matter of fact if you start with the death of Sam Houston and then say that Sam Houston is coming to town - it makes more sense for us to think it's a guy and that maybe he didn't die.

Anyway, hope that helps.

Michael

Hey Ghost,

I read this, took some notes. I didn’t read all the other feedback, so sorry if I repeat.

I was a little thrown by the town being called Ghost Town. There are people living there, which kind of negates it being a ghost town. Not sure what that’s all about.

There are a few grammar things like then where it should be than.

Johnny Ringo was the name of one of the villains in Tombstone. He was played by Michael Biehn (a.k.a. Kyle Reese from Terminator). I don’t know if you knew that.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0108358/

I know you already told us it was a flashback, but you may want to make it clear that Samantha Houston’s (step) father is a different Sam Houston. I mean, I could figure it out, but there could be a little more description just to keep it straight.

Overall, I liked it. I think you have a nice style. I think you could focus on clarity and pacing a little more but, other than that, I thought it was a good read. It’s nice to see a writer actually trying to tell a story.

Good job.


Breanne

Quoted from mcornetto Well, I'm still not a big fan of Westerns but I like the idea of a Cat Ballou type heroine.  I also like the gender mistaken Sam.  However, I'm not sure about using the name Sam Houston because that is an historical figure and he didn't die at the hands of a blacksmith - far as I could determine. But, of course, you meant a different Sam Houston.    You know your history.  Absolutely, living in Texas, I'm very familiar with Sam Houston. The first is the biggest.  That would be the fact that the Blacksmith saves the day.  It's all well and fine to give him a chance at redemption but I think since this is a western and Sam is the heroine - she needs to be the one to kill Juan.   The blacksmith can still attempt to save her and get wounded but she still needs to struggle and overcome the villain.     Good point. The second thing I would maybe consider would be to get rid of the flashbacks and tell the story in a linear fashion.  While sometimes flashbacks help further the dramatic tension - I don't think they really do that here.   I think they tell us information we need to know but not really anything that has a reason to be held back.   As a matter of fact if you start with the death of Sam Houston and then say that Sam Houston is coming to town - it makes more sense for us to think it's a guy and that maybe he didn't die. Yeah, I just wanted to condense things because the story is much bigger.  I doubt if I'll go back and finish the feature, but there's no flashbacks in it.  It plays out from beginning to end.

Everything helps, thanks MC for giving it another look.  Much appreciated.

Ghostie

Quoted from Breanne Mattson I was a little thrown by the town being called Ghost Town. There are people living there, which kind of negates it being a ghost town. Not sure what that’s all about. Yeah, Bert mentioned it as well. I'm just going to change it now.   Johnny Ringo was the name of one of the villains in Tombstone. He was played by Michael Biehn (a.k.a. Kyle Reese from Terminator). I don’t know if you knew that. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0108358/ Yeah, one of my favorite westerns. I know you already told us it was a flashback, but you may want to make it clear that Samantha Houston’s (step) father is a different Sam Houston. I mean, I could figure it out, but there could be a little more description just to keep it straight. I can see you point.  I'll make an adjustment.   Overall, I liked it. I think you have a nice style. I think you could focus on clarity and pacing a little more but, other than that, I thought it was a good read. It’s nice to see a writer actually trying to tell a story. Thanks, I tend not to focus on shorts, I've been programmed from the beginning to write features.  But that's what I try to do.  I'm glad you liked it.

Breanne,

It's an honor to get a read from you.  When you post, I make it a point to read it.  And more should because they can learn a lot from you, things that screenwriting books can't teach.

Thanks so much, you're the best.

Ghostie