Quoted from Grandma Bear First off, I think you need to change Kitty's name. Reminds way too much of Miss Kitty of Gunsmoke… Easy fix. Did you ever read my western   Savage Frontier ? My hero was also a female gunslinger/sheriff…and her name was Samantha!!!    Small world!!! Never read it. I have been wondering for a long time how long the word "fuck" has been in use. You don't have a date where your story is supposed to take place, but one would assume somewhere in the 1800s to early 1900. Was fucking really a word used at that time?  Same for "bitch". I could be wrong, but they just don't feel right for that long ago. Feels like nowadays. Just a thought. Yeah I was thinking about that.  I'll go back and take those out.  Bert also highlighted it. I think having Sam being age 20 is a bit young for what she's doing especially for a female. I'll make an adjustment. I would also suggest using better action verbs. Instead of "walks briskly" why not use march or some other word that better describes the walk with just one word. Look up better action words in a thesaurus. It took me a while to get used to doing that, but now when I read I get annoyed at all the 'ly words describing everything. I agree.  But it was a short, so I wasn't too concerned about it.  Something to keep in mind as I re-write my features for sure. The story itself works. I don't have anything to object about it. I liked the Wanted posters. Also like any story where there's some female kicking butt. Not enough of those around if you ask me. True.  I'm glad it worked for you.  Hopefully you weren't confused.

Thanks a bunch Pia, I really appreciate the read from one of the best.

Ghostie

Hey Ghost,

Glad to see some work from you getting much deserved reads. Gotta be honest, I just thought this was okay. I like the premise you have going here. Sam seeking revenge on her biological father for the death of the man who raised her, I just thought this story was clunky and a bit rushed at times.

I would've liked a better intro for Sam. Right now its pretty run-of-the-mill opening gun fight. I'm not even sure it was necessary. It doesn't add a whole lot and there are other ways you could show Sam is pretty bad-ass.

Maybe if she pistol whipped Juan and embarassed him in front of the town. THen he returns with his brother to seek revenge. Could make a better ending gunfight. Just a suggestion.

pg 3
JOHNNY
A Texas Ranger. -- I think this should be a question mark.

I'll admit, I've never seen FLASHBACK at the beginning of a full slug. Doesn't mean its not acceptable, I've just never seen it written that way before.

I thought that Sam seemed to forgive Blacksmith too fast at the end. That just didn't feel right. For a short, I would've preferred he died saving her life. If you expand on this, I think sam should still hate his guts and maybe he struggles trying to win her forgivenss.

Anyway, Like I said, really like the premise here, just lost believability for me at the end. Felt out of Sam's character. Good luck with it, if you give it a rewrite let me know. Sorry if any comments were already brought up, I didn't read all of the others.

James

Quoted from Grandma Bear I have been wondering for a long time how long the word "fuck" has been in use.

The usually accepted first known occurrence is in code in a poem in a mixture of Latin and English composed some time before 1500. (wiki)

Written form only attested from early 16c. OED 2nd edition cites 1503, in the form fukkit; earliest appearance of current spelling is 1535 -- "Bischops ... may fuck thair fill and be vnmaryit" [Sir David Lyndesay, "Ane Satyre of the Thrie Estaits"]
http://www.etymonline.com/index.php?term=fuck

You asked.

Thank you for that info!  

The real question though is, if it was in use as regular language and then true to every day conversation at the time.

Quoted from jwent6688 Sam seeking revenge on her biological father for the death of the man who raised her... That's it.  You got it.  I guess I cleaned up the confusion. I just thought this story was clunky and a bit rushed at times. Yeah, it's part of a bigger story. And I didn't want to drag this joker out any longer. I would've liked a better intro for Sam. Right now its pretty run-of-the-mill opening gun fight. I'm not even sure it was necessary. It doesn't add a whole lot and there are other ways you could show Sam is pretty bad-ass. Maybe if she pistol whipped Juan and embarassed him in front of the town. THen he returns with his brother to seek revenge. Could make a better ending gunfight. Just a suggestion. And a good one too.  I never thought of this.  But I wanted to foreshadow Juan's brother for the final gunfight scene. pg 3 JOHNNY A Texas Ranger. -- I think this should be a question mark. Me too... good catch. I thought that Sam seemed to forgive Blacksmith too fast at the end. That just didn't feel right. For a short, I would've preferred he died saving her life. Originally, I had him die in that scene, but I debated over it for awhile.  But in the end I wanted to leave it open to the audience... But I was going for a man's last day before his execution,... last chance for a father and daughter to talk.  A healing process. "Some wounds never heal... some tears never will... we need to understand... but no need to forgive."  Sort of thing. If you expand on this, I think sam should still hate his guts and maybe he struggles trying to win her forgivenss. Good Idea.  If I ever go back and re-do this, and I probably wont, because my focus is on my features, I'll consider it.

Thanks for the read, my friend, much appreciated.

Ghostie

Hi - I see you've cleaned this up some - reads better now. I completely missed the biological father angle first read.

I'm a bit confused with:

DOLLY, 50s, haggard, hangs up clothes. There's something
ludicrous about it.

I'm not sure what the ludicrous is aimed at...?

Quoted from Forgive Hi - I see you've cleaned this up some - reads better now. I completely missed the biological father angle first read. The writer's Fault. DOLLY, 50s, haggard, hangs up clothes. There's something ludicrous about it. Originally when I wrote this, I had a flashback with a young Samantha hanging up clothes with Dolly and Sam.  It was suppose to be a humorous scene.  I just forgot to delete it. Good catch.  It's gone now.

Thanks again.  What can I read of yours.  let me know.

Ghost

Hey ghostie,

Meant to get to this earlier in the week so I apologize for my tardiness. I see you've gotten a lot of comments, so I'll try not to repeat what's already been said, and I'll just add some odds and ends.

First, to address your writing style - I like it, and to suggest that it goes against convention or is not acceptable in some way is hogwash. It's important for writers to find their voice, and you certainly have one.

As for the story, I liked it. The premise is good and it kept me reading.

What I would concentrate on if I were you is pace. Westerns are probably the only genre where the narratives should outpace the dialogue by a wide margin, and you have a very talky piece here with a lot of characters jammed into 9 pages. I think you need to linger longer on some descriptions. Let the characters breathe more. Show us some reactions that give us insight into what the character might say next, this way when they say it, we say "uh huh, that makes sense." Does that make sense?

A good example of this is your first page. It's nearly all dialogue. And Juan first begins to speak like Eli Wallach in The Magnificent Seven, and then morphs later on into a southern drawling type. Watch for this - make sure each character speaks in his or her own voice throughout. I thought the preacher's dialogue was odd too, and I'm not sure he's needed here - I might sacrifice him in order to give this narrative length.

(also, Juan's last name is Curveo - did you mean Cuervo? The reason I ask is because you seem to be going for a gag by naming his brother Jose. I'd scrap that, as it's a bit of a groaner and the rest of your piece is a straight up action / drama.)

And pragmatically, what do you intend to do with a 9 page western? I see from the comments that you have a much longer version of this - if so I would flesh this out to between 20-30 pages.

Here's why - first, as I mentioned earlier, it would give it texture, feeling, etc. by allowing you to increase the narratives and give the characters some backstory.  Second, think of someone trying to film this - at 9 pages they'd go about a day and a half - so why would anyone invest in period costumes, a period location, etc. for this short amount of time? It's possible that someone might latch on to a 20-30 minute version of this as a show reel, with the intent of catching the eye of someone who might want to turn it into a feature. Just because you couldn't get beyond 66 pages doesn't mean someone else might not have an idea of how to do it, and want to co-develop this with you.

Other than that, watch for the odd "odd" punctuation (commas where they don't belong) and I think that you have the makings of a very atmospheric, entertaining story here. Good luck with it!

AJR

Quoted from ajr Hey ghostie, Meant to get to this earlier in the week so I apologize for my tardiness. No need too.  You're a busy man.  Thanks for the look. First, to address your writing style - I like it, and to suggest that it goes against convention or is not acceptable in some way is hogwash. It's important for writers to find their voice, and you certainly have one. Thanks,  Most don't care for it, but that's all right.  I do.  My features are written a bit different though. As for the story, I liked it. The premise is good and it kept me reading. What I would concentrate on if I were you is pace. Westerns are probably the only genre where the narratives should outpace the dialogue by a wide margin, and you have a very talky piece here with a lot of characters jammed into 9 pages. I think you need to linger longer on some descriptions. Let the characters breathe more. Show us some reactions that give us insight into what the character might say next, this way when they say it, we say "uh huh, that makes sense." Does that make sense? A good example of this is your first page. It's nearly all dialogue. And Juan first begins to speak like Eli Wallach in The Magnificent Seven, and then morphs later on into a southern drawling type. Ah, you caught that.  It was on purpose, but I do agree keep their own voice for sure. Watch for this - make sure each character speaks in his or her own voice throughout. I thought the preacher's dialogue was odd too, and I'm not sure he's needed here - I might sacrifice him in order to give this narrative length. Yeah, someone else mentioned that.  It's worth another look. (also, Juan's last name is Curveo - did you mean Cuervo? The reason I ask is because you seem to be going for a gag by naming his brother Jose. I'd scrap that, as it's a bit of a groaner and the rest of your piece is a straight up action / drama.) And you would be correct here.  I'll change that for sure. And pragmatically, what do you intend to do with a 9 page western? I see from the comments that you have a much longer version of this - if so I would flesh this out to between 20-30 pages. Here's why - first, as I mentioned earlier, it would give it texture, feeling, etc. by allowing you to increase the narratives and give the characters some backstory.  Second, think of someone trying to film this - at 9 pages they'd go about a day and a half - so why would anyone invest in period costumes, a period location, etc. for this short amount of time? It's possible that someone might latch on to a 20-30 minute version of this as a show reel, with the intent of catching the eye of someone who might want to turn it into a feature. Just because you couldn't get beyond 66 pages doesn't mean someone else might not have an idea of how to do it, and want to co-develop this with you. Good point.  If I go back and try and re-tackle the script Ill definitely apply your notes for sure. Other than that, watch for the odd "odd" punctuation (commas where they don't belong) and I think that you have the makings of a very atmospheric, entertaining story here. Yeah, you're right, I admit I got a little carried away here.  It's definitely makes for a bad kink in my armor.

Thanks my friend, I'm grateful and appreciate you taking the time.  Your notes and insight were very helpful, and I'll put them to good use.


Ghostie

Hey Ghostie,

I'm sure I've read an earlier draft of this - maybe a couple of years ago.   And it still seems pretty close to the draft I read, except I remember a bit more action in that draft.?

Well, I'm still not a big fan of Westerns but I like the idea of a Cat Ballou type heroine.  I also like the gender mistaken Sam.  However, I'm not sure about using the name Sam Houston because that is an historical figure and he didn't die at the hands of a blacksmith - far as I could determine.

Quoted from wiki In 1862, Houston returned to Huntsville, Texas, and rented the Steamboat House; the hills in Huntsville reminded him of his boyhood home in Tennessee. Houston was active in the Masonic Lodge, transferring his membership to Forrest Lodge #19. His health deteriorated in 1863 due to a persistent cough. In mid-July, Houston developed pneumonia. He died on July 26, 1863 at Steamboat House, with his wife Margaret by his side. His last recorded words were, "Texas! Texas! Margaret..

But, of course, you meant a different Sam Houston.   And the revenge story works.   However, there were a couple of things I think you could do to improve it.

The first is the biggest.  That would be the fact that the Blacksmith saves the day.  It's all well and fine to give him a chance at redemption but I think since this is a western and Sam is the heroine - she needs to be the one to kill Juan.   The blacksmith can still attempt to save her and get wounded but she still needs to struggle and overcome the villain.        

The second thing I would maybe consider would be to get rid of the flashbacks and tell the story in a linear fashion.  While sometimes flashbacks help further the dramatic tension - I don't think they really do that here.   I think they tell us information we need to know but not really anything that has a reason to be held back.  

As a matter of fact if you start with the death of Sam Houston and then say that Sam Houston is coming to town - it makes more sense for us to think it's a guy and that maybe he didn't die.

Anyway, hope that helps.

Michael

Hey Ghost,

I read this, took some notes. I didn’t read all the other feedback, so sorry if I repeat.

I was a little thrown by the town being called Ghost Town. There are people living there, which kind of negates it being a ghost town. Not sure what that’s all about.

There are a few grammar things like then where it should be than.

Johnny Ringo was the name of one of the villains in Tombstone. He was played by Michael Biehn (a.k.a. Kyle Reese from Terminator). I don’t know if you knew that.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0108358/

I know you already told us it was a flashback, but you may want to make it clear that Samantha Houston’s (step) father is a different Sam Houston. I mean, I could figure it out, but there could be a little more description just to keep it straight.

Overall, I liked it. I think you have a nice style. I think you could focus on clarity and pacing a little more but, other than that, I thought it was a good read. It’s nice to see a writer actually trying to tell a story.

Good job.


Breanne

Quoted from mcornetto Well, I'm still not a big fan of Westerns but I like the idea of a Cat Ballou type heroine.  I also like the gender mistaken Sam.  However, I'm not sure about using the name Sam Houston because that is an historical figure and he didn't die at the hands of a blacksmith - far as I could determine. But, of course, you meant a different Sam Houston.    You know your history.  Absolutely, living in Texas, I'm very familiar with Sam Houston. The first is the biggest.  That would be the fact that the Blacksmith saves the day.  It's all well and fine to give him a chance at redemption but I think since this is a western and Sam is the heroine - she needs to be the one to kill Juan.   The blacksmith can still attempt to save her and get wounded but she still needs to struggle and overcome the villain.     Good point. The second thing I would maybe consider would be to get rid of the flashbacks and tell the story in a linear fashion.  While sometimes flashbacks help further the dramatic tension - I don't think they really do that here.   I think they tell us information we need to know but not really anything that has a reason to be held back.   As a matter of fact if you start with the death of Sam Houston and then say that Sam Houston is coming to town - it makes more sense for us to think it's a guy and that maybe he didn't die. Yeah, I just wanted to condense things because the story is much bigger.  I doubt if I'll go back and finish the feature, but there's no flashbacks in it.  It plays out from beginning to end.

Everything helps, thanks MC for giving it another look.  Much appreciated.

Ghostie

Quoted from Breanne Mattson I was a little thrown by the town being called Ghost Town. There are people living there, which kind of negates it being a ghost town. Not sure what that’s all about. Yeah, Bert mentioned it as well. I'm just going to change it now.   Johnny Ringo was the name of one of the villains in Tombstone. He was played by Michael Biehn (a.k.a. Kyle Reese from Terminator). I don’t know if you knew that. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0108358/ Yeah, one of my favorite westerns. I know you already told us it was a flashback, but you may want to make it clear that Samantha Houston’s (step) father is a different Sam Houston. I mean, I could figure it out, but there could be a little more description just to keep it straight. I can see you point.  I'll make an adjustment.   Overall, I liked it. I think you have a nice style. I think you could focus on clarity and pacing a little more but, other than that, I thought it was a good read. It’s nice to see a writer actually trying to tell a story. Thanks, I tend not to focus on shorts, I've been programmed from the beginning to write features.  But that's what I try to do.  I'm glad you liked it.

Breanne,

It's an honor to get a read from you.  When you post, I make it a point to read it.  And more should because they can learn a lot from you, things that screenwriting books can't teach.

Thanks so much, you're the best.

Ghostie