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Good to see some new work from you. Always glad to lend a read to long standing contributing members.
I'm going to gloss over the grammatical stuff. Been covered and you know what it takes to clean that up.
For some reason this all comes off very... European. It has a feel to it found in the artful cinema of decades past. Reminds me of Jacques Tati a tad, actually. Modernity humor always tickles me.
If I had known more about his past family, I would have found it more poignant. It's a decent read and I like the overall feel of the characters.
Maybe if John was practicing his speech, like he's talking to someone... But we see it's a photograph of his wife. Something like that would help.
Regards, E.D.
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Michel, glad to see you back on Simply. I hope things are going well for you.
This is lovely, yet tragic story. I wasn't sure where it was going but in the end I really enjoyed it. John's lonely life is too become even more so when he retires and he sees it as the beginning of the end.
I loved the subtle image of him eating his dinner with the pills nearby and the smile on his face at the end.
Nice work.
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Thanks again guys for the reading and the comments.
Colkurtz, your quote about the dialog line is clever. "See you tonight" has a double meaning. But, yes, it was the first (not so subtle?) clue how the story is ending.
ED. I made John practicing his speech in front of the mirror to reinforce his loneliness. If he would have done it in front of his wife's pircture it would have been IMO a bit cliché. I'm very touched you felt a Tati's touch in it. I love Tati's work. It's funny you found the story... European. In fact an English director asked me to write something for her and that's maybe why John has a certain posh side....
Alffy. Glad hearing from you. Heard your short 15 minutes has been filmed too. Congrats. I remember it and it was a very good story.
The beginning starts cliche, hand silencing an alarm.
The set up of the apartment being frozen in time means nothing so maybe start with John practicing his final lines and not in front of the mirror as he tends to his morning routine. That, too, is cliche.
The ending is cliche. Why did you make John die? The contrast to the note is not profound enough (for me) for the death to make many sense. Maybe if he had a bomb that he was going to set off at his final party because he hated everyone, and then he died before he could set it off, and his note pertained to that, then maybe there would be a point in him dying: ironic justice. But here I don't see the point. Maybe it's his 40 some odd years and he has never lived and he dies before he can, but I don't know that, and that, too, would be cliche.
I don't see a story in this short.
cloroxmartini, sorry about the delay but I thought about your analysis of my script. "Cliché" is a recurrent word you seem to like. I agree John's life has nothing original. Why the hell would you make him a bitter man who hates everyone? Be kind would it be cliché? I couldn't build a sympathetic character who turns to be a bastard. John has a (sad) ordinary life like billions of people. The "ironic justice" is only he's reunited with his late wife. Life isn't it a cliche itself?
I'm glad to announce I signed an agreement for the shooting of my short. The filming is planned for mid-spring. I'll let you know when I know more.....
I'm glad to announce I signed an agreement for the shooting of my short. The filming is planned for mid-spring. I'll let you know when I know more.....
Michel
Congratulations, Michel! Always feels good to get that recognition. Keep us posted!
Regards, E.D.
LATEST NEWS CineVita Films is producing a short based on my new feature!
Michel, Congratulations on getting this fimed. I read it and liked it. It was simple. It kind of reminded me of UP (the animated film), how much he loved his wife. I know some people want more twists, snappy dialogue, etc., but we need more simple stories like this. Edgy has it's place, but so does stories like this.
Good luck with the filming, or is that Bon Chance!
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Thanks JJ. I simply tried to tell a simple story, with simple poeple. That's all. People love that. I never thought of UP, wheb i wrote it but yes his love is the same. Hope the result will be worthful.
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