Hey Mehdoh,
Thanks for the feedback.

Thanks for the in depth concerns, Penguin.
I'll make sure to fix those things.
Love the comments.

Nice to hear, Asteroid.
Glad you enjoyed the read.
And, yes, I decided to make this into a full length script.
I'm working on outlining the main storyline right now.

As I go:

Page 3:  I absolutely in no way believe that the dog jumps in the window.

Thoughts:

Hmm.  I will wait for a feature to comment further.  This has no story...only plot.  If that's a fair way to put it.  Like, if the story's Dana, the plot's Zuul.

Your writing's fairly clean.  A lot of specific issues have been pointed out above.  My main one, which has been mentioned, was that the cop's intro is a little unclear.

The only reason to care about Maddox would be if he were played by an attractive/charismatic actor.  Dude's scum and the officer's boring.  The only moment of character roundness, and it's familiar, is the embarrassment about the name.

We can't be thrilled without being engaged by a character whose motivation we understand and believe.  This doesn't achieve, or attempt, to provide us with that.

Anyway, the writing is fine.  I'll be there for the feature!

Thanks, Heretic.
You also have very good opinions about this.
I'm looking forward to addressing all the comments I've been given.
I think everyone's feedback will help me to make this the best it can be.

Question: why don't you believe the dog would/could jump in the window?

Quoted from Steex SiColl, glad you liked it. If you have time later, I'd like to know what spot-on bits you liked. I know it's open-ended. Hopefully in the near future I can complete this and upload a full screenplay. Thanks!

He takes his sweet time before pulling the car to a stop
-- implied a nice little bit of attitude.

     MADDOX
That all? I’ve done better.
-- was a nice line

He glances at the glove box. The mirror. Glove box. Mirror.
-- very effective - brief and clear, got the guys nerves across to the reader with short sharp effective use of words.

There were other bits - but this'll do for now, like an example.

Awesome.
Thanks, SiColl!

Hey James,

It's very difficult to judge this one, as a stand-alone short there is nothing here, no conclusion, character development or story to be honest with you. 

Yeah you don't always need that in a short but here I feel I'm reading a single scene from a feature. I do hope that's the case as this was a fun scene with a very interesting but unlikable protagonist (I mean this in a good way) He's certainly got attitude and that's a good thing, makes him rememberable.

Just some notes I took during the read.

Why no title page? I like my title page!

P.1 "desert" superfluous, you tell us this in the slug.

"this is Maddox" Get rid of "this is" unnecessary IMO.

"He is" try to avoid the nasty "is" if possible. "He's unkempt" Reads better.

What's with all the ash landing in the cup holder? 

"magnum XXL condom wrapper" someone's full of themselves.

Not much description on the cop or what he's driving. Well I know he wears aviators.

P.2 "49" write out your numbers in dialogue for a smoother read.

"I don't know...stuff" why not just tell the cop it's ash?

P.3 How can he see the taco bell bag if it is underneath the seat?

Why does this cop have a dog? Okay I'm not big on patrol cops in the U.S but I think that it is an individual section of the police force in Australia. Maybe not in America where I'm guessing this is set?

Between his legs? Really! Hope the gun doesn't accidentally miss-fire.

P.4 How is the dog still alive let alone unharmed? It's just been run over.

"Pontiac disappears" So the cop was driving a Pontiac as well. 

An entertaining short no doubt but I do hope you have more planned for this as like I say, at present this reads like a little piece from a bigger pie. It's not a bad piece though so I'm hoping for more.

Good luck and keep writing.

Steve

Quoted from Heretic Page 3:  I absolutely in no way believe that the dog jumps in the window.

^ Poor fellow!

What doesn't work for me is that the dog jumps *in* the window, at least the way I read it.  Like jumping (halfway) through a hoop.  It's a trained officer, not a bloodthirsty monster.  Grabbing an arm from outside the vehicle, as per the above video, makes sense to me I suppose -- leaping right in, I didn't buy.  Maybe I'm just imagining it wrong though!

Hey Steex, I've seen you giving lots of reads, and that's why I checked your script out.

It's OK, but there's lots of issues, some already mentioned, some not.

2 biggest issues for me were...

The fact that this wasn't a contained short, as there isn't any story or elements that make up a story.  It's a a very simply little act.  Does it show legs for a feature?  Not on its own, it doesn't, but if you want to develop your main Protrag, who may be an Antag...or just a badass, then sure.

The Slug writing.  You missed so many Slugs.  Seriously.  On the middle of Page 1, you have INT PONTIAC, and you somehow run this all the way to Page 4, your last page.  If you read it closely, you'll find lots of actions taking place outside of the Slug as written.

But hey, it's alright.  Good job.

I looked up some police dog videos and there are a few where the dogs effortlessly jump OVER the tops of cars. I also saw one that shows the guy teaching the dog to jump through windows.

Also, it seems that I may have written it incorrectly.
I didn't mean to have the dog to jump into the car.
Just into the window.
Two lines later I have, "The dog, hanging halfway in the car"
It was my intention to have the visual be the dog jumping up, sticking its head in through the window, latching onto the arm, but never fully entering the car.

Hey, Dreamscale.
Thanks for the comment!
I wrote it unclear.
I want everything that the cop does to be seen in the rearview mirror of Maddox's car.
Right now, I think I just say Maddox watches him in the rearview mirror.
I would like it from his POV, hopefully implying his anxoiusness.
Its not meant to leave the car or the mirror.
Maybe a mini slug or something?

Question to anyone: How should it be written?
I'm shooting for a realistic "I just got pulled over and I'm scared" feel.
I think if it switches to the cops POV, it would lose the feel I want.

Steex

I haven’t read other people’s comments so apologies if I repeat what’s already been mentioned.

It’s rather incongruous the way that you say “The speedometer needle is pegged at 90. If it
could go any further, it would..” And then in the next scene the cop clocks him “114 Miles an hour.” I get that the former line is more for punch and flair but why not change it from 90 to 120 just to keep it consistent?

“The dog rushes toward him. He pulls the 9mm. BANG! The dog
lays on the ground, motionless.”

- This visual instantly reminded me of John Brolin shooting the dog in No Country for old Men. Was that in your mind when writing it?

I liked Maddox’s laconic smart assed replies, although I’d imagine in real life the cop would be a lot quicker to lay down the law and not take them so lightly.

I really enjoyed reading this, the descriptions were vivid and lean, the dialogue sharp, the action exciting…but then it just ends. What’s up? Is this just a teaser or did you submit it with the end missing by accident? Because as it stands, it’s not a fully rounded story.

Overall, it has contains some good writing from a technical standpoint but the story needs work.

Best of luck.

Col.

Thanks, Colkurtz!
Regarding the speedometer, the car in which Maddox drives is also driven by a friend of mine.
The stock speedometer only goes to 90, but the car itself, can reach speeds much higher.
Maybe there is a better way for me to write it in the script.

I haven't seen NCFOM in a few years, I'll have to get it and make sure I do my scene differently.

And yes, as I have it now, I believe this is the intro to a full length.

I appreciate the post!