Maddox by J. Wierzbicki (steex) - Short, Thriller - A Nevada highway patrolman pulls over the wrong guy. 4 pages - pdf, format

Im giving this a bump because it was uploaded yesterday,
but for some reason showed up as an Error.
SS emailed me today and it's fixed.
Hopefully it hasn't turned too many people off.

Quoted from Steex Im giving this a bump because it was uploaded yesterday, but for some reason showed up as an Error. SS emailed me today and it's fixed. Hopefully it hasn't turned too many people off.

Yeah, sorry about that, though it wasn't my fault haha.  That happens from time to time -- most often when Don posts scripts during the day instead of nights or weekends.  I think he gets distracted or something.

Anyway, I breezed through to give you some quick thoughts:

Give this a title page.

You describe the car as beaten and battered, then Maddox as "equally" dirty.  For me, reads better if you were to describe Maddox as equally battered or something.  Equal means equal, and you never mentioned "dirty".  Every word counts, particularly in a short script.

"If it could go any further, it would."  This is an excellent, short, and effective sentence setting good tone.  Give me more like this.

The exchange between cop and Maddox is not as good as it might be.  I mean, doughnut jokes?  Come on.  You should strive to make this fresher.  It should pop, not sound familiar.

Seems a guy like Maddox would know he is free to refuse a search of his car; or at the very least, he would say something about it.

The writing itself is fine, but it seems the script is just an episode with very little to say outside the confines of the story itself.

Nice work, but you are encouraged to dig a little deeper next time.

Awesome feedback.
I agree completely.
I thought long and hard, but for some reason, just could not think of a damn thing for him to say right off the bat to the officer.
The doughnut line isn't very strong.

Regarding the "dirty" part, thanks for that too, I didn't catch that.

And it's true about the story.
I wrote this and wasnt sure what I wanted to do with it.
I liked it, but what was I trying to say? I recently decided to make it into a full script, not just a short.
I think it would make a decent opening scene.

Thanks!

When I first read the title, I thought of the real Maddox (owner of Greatest Page in the Universe - google it). Even his description makes me think of Internet Maddox.

Anyway, I liked the description of the interior car. Is this part of a longer script? Makes a good teaser / opener. The desert setting makes me think of Breaking Bad pilot.

That's one tough dog - able to get up after being run over. But it gets shot anyway - that might anger some PETA diehards.

Good luck with it.

Thanks, Cooky!
I appreciate the feedback.

I was pulled over a few months ago and the officer asked me what was in the cup holder.
I replied, "I don't know... stuff."
He asked me, "Is that cannabis residue?"
I said "No!"
He said, "Looks like cannabis residue to me. I won't give you a ticket for running that stop sign, if you let the dog search your car."

Turns out, it WAS "stuff".

Anyway, I just wanted to write a version of my experience that would be more exciting.
Obviously I didn't have a big bag of coke. And I didn't kill a police officer and his dog.

I decided to upload it as short, because that's all I had written.
But I recently came to the conclusion that I SHOULD give it some thought about turning it into something more.

Try to just stick mainly to night and day in you slugs. If the sun is setting, describe it to us.

You need to set the intro scene of the cop better. I had no mental picture. Was he in a car? On a motorcylce? Hiding in the bushes?

I don't get why Maddox gets so angry when the cop calls him Les. Unless there is some kind of Les carter joke I'm missing.

"He reverses it
then pulls away. He lights a cigarette. The police officer’s
body rests on the road as the Pontiac disappears into the
distance." - little lapses in logic like this confuse a read. Stops the pace. Makes the reader go back an reread. I don't get how we see him light a cigarette after he pulls away. Are we back in the car? No, we still see the cops body on the road.

Overall, I just thought this was okay. It seems like the start of something bigger because you really dont have a beginning, middle, and end. Just a scene, but an interesting one.

I see this was based off a recent experience. Is always a good place to find source material, but try to make it a bit more unique.

Good luck with it if you make it into something longer...

James

Hey Steex - just read this - I'm really impressed to be honest - I read something of yours a short while back, so going from that to this is a major improvement - this really started to read like a script.

There's some minors (but I'm pretty tired now, so I'm not going to go into them), but over all this had a great attitude - and there's some really spot-on bits in there - story was a bit 'open-ended' I was kinda hoping for a bit more at the end - but I can't honestly say I was disappointed - if this is where you're going - then we've had a 'leap' - looking forward to the bound - cool stuff - good on you.

Hey Steex

You've made a useful contribution to some of my work in the past, so it's about time I returned the favour.

I couldn't find anything wrong with it, to be honest. The writing was executed to perfection IMO.

Great stuff, right here!! Can't wait to read more of your work!!  

Daniel

Hey jwent,
thanks for the post.
you have a lot of valid points.

I agree, I need to describe the cop some more. Thanks.
The "Les" thing doesn't make sense in this short, but it is in there, because I plan on making this a full screenplay.
I'm doing an Indiana Jones type of thing. His real name isn't Maddox.
But I know, as THIS script goes, it doesn't belong.

I also agree with the ending. I didn't realize that I wrote it like that. It needs a face-lift for sure.

SiColl,
glad you liked it.

If you have time later, I'd like to know what spot-on bits you liked.

I know it's open-ended.
Hopefully in the near future I can complete this and upload a full screenplay.

Thanks!

Thank you very much for the kind words, Dan!
And thanks for taking the time to read this.

I'm happy that you liked my work.
Hopefully I don't disappoint in the future.

I thought this one wasn't too bad. As it progressed, it read more and more like a script. Toward the beginning it sort of read like a novel with too many descriptions in my opinion but it was almost as though you "hit your stride", so to speak, toward the middle and end. I thought it was a little light on some aspects but not bad for only 4 pages.

yo Steex,

here are my thoughts...

p1

where's your cover page?

don't begin with "desert." we know that already. your slug just told us.

"He hasn't bathed in days." show us, don't tell us. i would let this go, except you've already told us that he's scuzzy. now you're just repeating yourself. in fact this whole paragraph can be condensed.

this cop seems to come out of no where. first you go too much into detail, and then you don't give us enough detail with the cop. i would make the introduction a bit smoother.

could use a POV shot as Maddox looks in the mirror

"He takes a clearly irritated stance." over directing. the audience can assume this through his dialogue. at the very least, remove "clearly"

p2

write out your numbers.

it's a bit of a stretch for an office to ask about a piece of ash in a cup holder. i'll buy into it, but there might be a better plot device. ***edit: after reading your comments, it seems as though this really happened. quite bizarre if I may say so. what a p rick of a cop.

p3

sounds can be capitalized (ie ROARS). not necessary, but it would add some excitement.

what was the cop's reaction? is he instantly dead?

there's a rule in film that everytime you kill an animal/child, you immediately lose 50% of your audience. quite frankly, i feel that 50% are a bunch of p ussies.

No need for that (CONT'D)

p4

wait, how is the dog unharmed? didn't Maddox just run over it?

no need for elipseseseses

THUD not thud

digging the cactus needle in the cheek

finished. so this one definitely kept me interested and entertained throughout all four pages. you need to scale back on some descriptors and give us more info for others. overall, a well written exercise, but little story overall. most shorts have some sort of twist at the end. this felt like a piece of a larger story.

Loving the Maddox character and the excellent dialog.  I don't know if this is a short film or just a scene for a feature-length, but I think it would be an excellent opening for a film.

Great job!

Hey Mehdoh,
Thanks for the feedback.

Thanks for the in depth concerns, Penguin.
I'll make sure to fix those things.
Love the comments.

Nice to hear, Asteroid.
Glad you enjoyed the read.
And, yes, I decided to make this into a full length script.
I'm working on outlining the main storyline right now.

As I go:

Page 3:  I absolutely in no way believe that the dog jumps in the window.

Thoughts:

Hmm.  I will wait for a feature to comment further.  This has no story...only plot.  If that's a fair way to put it.  Like, if the story's Dana, the plot's Zuul.

Your writing's fairly clean.  A lot of specific issues have been pointed out above.  My main one, which has been mentioned, was that the cop's intro is a little unclear.

The only reason to care about Maddox would be if he were played by an attractive/charismatic actor.  Dude's scum and the officer's boring.  The only moment of character roundness, and it's familiar, is the embarrassment about the name.

We can't be thrilled without being engaged by a character whose motivation we understand and believe.  This doesn't achieve, or attempt, to provide us with that.

Anyway, the writing is fine.  I'll be there for the feature!

Thanks, Heretic.
You also have very good opinions about this.
I'm looking forward to addressing all the comments I've been given.
I think everyone's feedback will help me to make this the best it can be.

Question: why don't you believe the dog would/could jump in the window?

Quoted from Steex SiColl, glad you liked it. If you have time later, I'd like to know what spot-on bits you liked. I know it's open-ended. Hopefully in the near future I can complete this and upload a full screenplay. Thanks!

He takes his sweet time before pulling the car to a stop
-- implied a nice little bit of attitude.

     MADDOX
That all? I’ve done better.
-- was a nice line

He glances at the glove box. The mirror. Glove box. Mirror.
-- very effective - brief and clear, got the guys nerves across to the reader with short sharp effective use of words.

There were other bits - but this'll do for now, like an example.

Awesome.
Thanks, SiColl!

Hey James,

It's very difficult to judge this one, as a stand-alone short there is nothing here, no conclusion, character development or story to be honest with you. 

Yeah you don't always need that in a short but here I feel I'm reading a single scene from a feature. I do hope that's the case as this was a fun scene with a very interesting but unlikable protagonist (I mean this in a good way) He's certainly got attitude and that's a good thing, makes him rememberable.

Just some notes I took during the read.

Why no title page? I like my title page!

P.1 "desert" superfluous, you tell us this in the slug.

"this is Maddox" Get rid of "this is" unnecessary IMO.

"He is" try to avoid the nasty "is" if possible. "He's unkempt" Reads better.

What's with all the ash landing in the cup holder? 

"magnum XXL condom wrapper" someone's full of themselves.

Not much description on the cop or what he's driving. Well I know he wears aviators.

P.2 "49" write out your numbers in dialogue for a smoother read.

"I don't know...stuff" why not just tell the cop it's ash?

P.3 How can he see the taco bell bag if it is underneath the seat?

Why does this cop have a dog? Okay I'm not big on patrol cops in the U.S but I think that it is an individual section of the police force in Australia. Maybe not in America where I'm guessing this is set?

Between his legs? Really! Hope the gun doesn't accidentally miss-fire.

P.4 How is the dog still alive let alone unharmed? It's just been run over.

"Pontiac disappears" So the cop was driving a Pontiac as well. 

An entertaining short no doubt but I do hope you have more planned for this as like I say, at present this reads like a little piece from a bigger pie. It's not a bad piece though so I'm hoping for more.

Good luck and keep writing.

Steve

Quoted from Heretic Page 3:  I absolutely in no way believe that the dog jumps in the window.

^ Poor fellow!

What doesn't work for me is that the dog jumps *in* the window, at least the way I read it.  Like jumping (halfway) through a hoop.  It's a trained officer, not a bloodthirsty monster.  Grabbing an arm from outside the vehicle, as per the above video, makes sense to me I suppose -- leaping right in, I didn't buy.  Maybe I'm just imagining it wrong though!

Hey Steex, I've seen you giving lots of reads, and that's why I checked your script out.

It's OK, but there's lots of issues, some already mentioned, some not.

2 biggest issues for me were...

The fact that this wasn't a contained short, as there isn't any story or elements that make up a story.  It's a a very simply little act.  Does it show legs for a feature?  Not on its own, it doesn't, but if you want to develop your main Protrag, who may be an Antag...or just a badass, then sure.

The Slug writing.  You missed so many Slugs.  Seriously.  On the middle of Page 1, you have INT PONTIAC, and you somehow run this all the way to Page 4, your last page.  If you read it closely, you'll find lots of actions taking place outside of the Slug as written.

But hey, it's alright.  Good job.

I looked up some police dog videos and there are a few where the dogs effortlessly jump OVER the tops of cars. I also saw one that shows the guy teaching the dog to jump through windows.

Also, it seems that I may have written it incorrectly.
I didn't mean to have the dog to jump into the car.
Just into the window.
Two lines later I have, "The dog, hanging halfway in the car"
It was my intention to have the visual be the dog jumping up, sticking its head in through the window, latching onto the arm, but never fully entering the car.

Hey, Dreamscale.
Thanks for the comment!
I wrote it unclear.
I want everything that the cop does to be seen in the rearview mirror of Maddox's car.
Right now, I think I just say Maddox watches him in the rearview mirror.
I would like it from his POV, hopefully implying his anxoiusness.
Its not meant to leave the car or the mirror.
Maybe a mini slug or something?

Question to anyone: How should it be written?
I'm shooting for a realistic "I just got pulled over and I'm scared" feel.
I think if it switches to the cops POV, it would lose the feel I want.

Steex

I haven’t read other people’s comments so apologies if I repeat what’s already been mentioned.

It’s rather incongruous the way that you say “The speedometer needle is pegged at 90. If it
could go any further, it would..” And then in the next scene the cop clocks him “114 Miles an hour.” I get that the former line is more for punch and flair but why not change it from 90 to 120 just to keep it consistent?

“The dog rushes toward him. He pulls the 9mm. BANG! The dog
lays on the ground, motionless.”

- This visual instantly reminded me of John Brolin shooting the dog in No Country for old Men. Was that in your mind when writing it?

I liked Maddox’s laconic smart assed replies, although I’d imagine in real life the cop would be a lot quicker to lay down the law and not take them so lightly.

I really enjoyed reading this, the descriptions were vivid and lean, the dialogue sharp, the action exciting…but then it just ends. What’s up? Is this just a teaser or did you submit it with the end missing by accident? Because as it stands, it’s not a fully rounded story.

Overall, it has contains some good writing from a technical standpoint but the story needs work.

Best of luck.

Col.

Thanks, Colkurtz!
Regarding the speedometer, the car in which Maddox drives is also driven by a friend of mine.
The stock speedometer only goes to 90, but the car itself, can reach speeds much higher.
Maybe there is a better way for me to write it in the script.

I haven't seen NCFOM in a few years, I'll have to get it and make sure I do my scene differently.

And yes, as I have it now, I believe this is the intro to a full length.

I appreciate the post!

Nice little short there.

Had me hooked in right till page 4... then you had me wishing something would have happened between the cop and Maddox. Maybe the didn't die, maybe Maddox helps him out, maybe he saves the dog? Just ideas!

Look forward to reading more!

Quoted from Steex Regarding the speedometer, the car in which Maddox drives is also driven by a friend of mine. The stock speedometer only goes to 90, but the car itself, can reach speeds much higher. Maybe there is a better way for me to write it in the script.

- That's interesting, maybe to avoid comments like my one it would probably be easier to just pretend its a normal speedometer, however I look like your attention to realism. It's a small thing anyway.

Quoted from Steex I haven't seen NCFOM in a few years, I'll have to get it and make sure I do my scene differently.

- I wasn't saying for you to change it, it just reminded me of that scene for from the film, which by the way, is a brilliantly shot sequence. If shooting the dog is essential to the story, and on the basis of what I've read, it is for Maddox to get away, leave it in. Plenty of dogs have been shot on screen throughout cinema, usually the agressive ones like a cop dog, so I wouldn't worry about it

Hey Steex,

Seen you around and reviewing.

It's hard not to repeat others at this stage although I made sure I read the script first.

In essence this is a simple little scene without much story, but it could have. Others have mentioned it being part of a feature but this could simply be a decent, but longer short script. For example, he could be pulled over by another cop later on,  and explains he's been attacked so the cop helps him, or he rides off jubilant and holds up the taco bell bag in glee only for the wind to blow it away etc etc just needs a twist.

All the best

Hey Loulou,
Glad you liked it.

Thanks Reef.
Right now, I'm up to page 20 on what I assume will be a full length script.
I also plan on making an alternate version that is much shorter.
Since so many people have said its good but lacks a proper ending.
I'm not sure where to go with it, but I'm brainstorming.
Thanks for the ideas!

Steex, sorry for any repeated comments but I don't always like to read previous feedback as it can reveal too much of the story.

Anyway, here are my thoughts:

'The speedo is pegged at 90, if it could go any further it would'   Then the Pontiac is caught doing 114mph?  This had me confused.

The Officer talks to Maddox but I was unsure if the window was up or down?  This might seem picky but it bugged me.

Do traffic cops usually drive round with drugs dogs?

I think you should mention that the dog isn't hit by the car.  When Maddox reverses into the cop, I thought the dog got hit too as it was in front of the cop.

'The car burns out'  What does this mean?

The dog is run over but it's ok?  If above 'The car burns out' means it sets off at a fast rate of speed then the dog would have fallen under speeding tyres and surely been killed?

Maddox shoots the dog so I wonder why he didn't shoot it when it was biting him?

My main problem with this is that it goes nowhere.  It's not really a story, just an incident.  Nothing of interest about Maddox is told like why does he have the drugs, where is he going, what does he do and so on.

I did like the banter between Maddox and the cop but I think the story needs improving.  I hope you find this useful.

alffy,
about the speedometer--
It maxes out at 90mph, but the car is capable of speeds much higher. "if it could go any higher, it would."
Just like a temperature gauge on a car may only go to say 280 degrees, the engines actual temp can exceed it.

I'll have to mention that the window is down, good catch!

Where I'm from, a good majority of highway cops have dogs.
This is based off an actual incident that happened to me (none of the violence, of course).

Burn out just means, peel out, race off, burn rubber, etc.

I've recently changed it, the dog will not be run over, as it didn't seem logical that it would get back up.
Also, I've switched it to the officer getting run over, instead.

I admit, this isn't really a short. It's more of an intro scene.
I'm working on making it better.

I really appreciate the observations and critique.
It will help make the next draft that much better!

Steex, I've been thinking about the speedo thing. If the speedo is broken and is stuck at 90 you could show the speedo again after Maddox has stopped the car, thus showing it doesn't work?

Having this as a scene rather than a short makes more sense, I did have a feeling this was leading to something longer.

Ive successfully rewritten the pages I have on SS.
I've incorporated all of the things people said, and I think it looks great.
I'm about 15 pages in, total.
When I finish making it an actual story and not just a scene, I will upload it.
Hopefully this coming week.

I want to thank everyone that chimed in and gave feedback!
And also, thanks to anyone that read it at all, even if you didn't comment.

Hey everyone,

I've been working hard on the newest draft of this script and It's coming close to completion.
I was just wondering what everyone would think if the script was approximately 20 pages, but still had the 6 page opening scene.
To me, it seems a little long, but I like it the was it is and can't really find anything to edit out.

So, I feel good about the scene as a whole, and think it would work pretty well in a full length, but concerned about it being more than 25% of the script length.

Any opinions?