Nice little short there.

Had me hooked in right till page 4... then you had me wishing something would have happened between the cop and Maddox. Maybe the didn't die, maybe Maddox helps him out, maybe he saves the dog? Just ideas!

Look forward to reading more!

Quoted from Steex Regarding the speedometer, the car in which Maddox drives is also driven by a friend of mine. The stock speedometer only goes to 90, but the car itself, can reach speeds much higher. Maybe there is a better way for me to write it in the script.

- That's interesting, maybe to avoid comments like my one it would probably be easier to just pretend its a normal speedometer, however I look like your attention to realism. It's a small thing anyway.

Quoted from Steex I haven't seen NCFOM in a few years, I'll have to get it and make sure I do my scene differently.

- I wasn't saying for you to change it, it just reminded me of that scene for from the film, which by the way, is a brilliantly shot sequence. If shooting the dog is essential to the story, and on the basis of what I've read, it is for Maddox to get away, leave it in. Plenty of dogs have been shot on screen throughout cinema, usually the agressive ones like a cop dog, so I wouldn't worry about it

Hey Steex,

Seen you around and reviewing.

It's hard not to repeat others at this stage although I made sure I read the script first.

In essence this is a simple little scene without much story, but it could have. Others have mentioned it being part of a feature but this could simply be a decent, but longer short script. For example, he could be pulled over by another cop later on,  and explains he's been attacked so the cop helps him, or he rides off jubilant and holds up the taco bell bag in glee only for the wind to blow it away etc etc just needs a twist.

All the best

Hey Loulou,
Glad you liked it.

Thanks Reef.
Right now, I'm up to page 20 on what I assume will be a full length script.
I also plan on making an alternate version that is much shorter.
Since so many people have said its good but lacks a proper ending.
I'm not sure where to go with it, but I'm brainstorming.
Thanks for the ideas!

Steex, sorry for any repeated comments but I don't always like to read previous feedback as it can reveal too much of the story.

Anyway, here are my thoughts:

'The speedo is pegged at 90, if it could go any further it would'   Then the Pontiac is caught doing 114mph?  This had me confused.

The Officer talks to Maddox but I was unsure if the window was up or down?  This might seem picky but it bugged me.

Do traffic cops usually drive round with drugs dogs?

I think you should mention that the dog isn't hit by the car.  When Maddox reverses into the cop, I thought the dog got hit too as it was in front of the cop.

'The car burns out'  What does this mean?

The dog is run over but it's ok?  If above 'The car burns out' means it sets off at a fast rate of speed then the dog would have fallen under speeding tyres and surely been killed?

Maddox shoots the dog so I wonder why he didn't shoot it when it was biting him?

My main problem with this is that it goes nowhere.  It's not really a story, just an incident.  Nothing of interest about Maddox is told like why does he have the drugs, where is he going, what does he do and so on.

I did like the banter between Maddox and the cop but I think the story needs improving.  I hope you find this useful.

alffy,
about the speedometer--
It maxes out at 90mph, but the car is capable of speeds much higher. "if it could go any higher, it would."
Just like a temperature gauge on a car may only go to say 280 degrees, the engines actual temp can exceed it.

I'll have to mention that the window is down, good catch!

Where I'm from, a good majority of highway cops have dogs.
This is based off an actual incident that happened to me (none of the violence, of course).

Burn out just means, peel out, race off, burn rubber, etc.

I've recently changed it, the dog will not be run over, as it didn't seem logical that it would get back up.
Also, I've switched it to the officer getting run over, instead.

I admit, this isn't really a short. It's more of an intro scene.
I'm working on making it better.

I really appreciate the observations and critique.
It will help make the next draft that much better!

Steex, I've been thinking about the speedo thing. If the speedo is broken and is stuck at 90 you could show the speedo again after Maddox has stopped the car, thus showing it doesn't work?

Having this as a scene rather than a short makes more sense, I did have a feeling this was leading to something longer.

Ive successfully rewritten the pages I have on SS.
I've incorporated all of the things people said, and I think it looks great.
I'm about 15 pages in, total.
When I finish making it an actual story and not just a scene, I will upload it.
Hopefully this coming week.

I want to thank everyone that chimed in and gave feedback!
And also, thanks to anyone that read it at all, even if you didn't comment.

Hey everyone,

I've been working hard on the newest draft of this script and It's coming close to completion.
I was just wondering what everyone would think if the script was approximately 20 pages, but still had the 6 page opening scene.
To me, it seems a little long, but I like it the was it is and can't really find anything to edit out.

So, I feel good about the scene as a whole, and think it would work pretty well in a full length, but concerned about it being more than 25% of the script length.

Any opinions?