Thanks, DV.
I'm glad you enjoyed the script.

Thanks for the read and the comment!

Thanks for adding the film clip on here, Don!
Makes it seem cooler somehow.


p.s.
The newest draft is up!

Hi James. I thought that I give this one a read. I give it 3 out of 5.
The idea was cool. The story was well written for the most part. But story lacked originality besides the fact of the twist. But even with the twist the story seem like it was Taken from Taken. lol. Other than that. I'll give you a thumbs up.

Thanks for the read and comment, Va.
Glad you (somewhat) enjoyed it.

3 out of 5 ain't bad.

James

Three pages in and I’m gripped, great stuff.

Not much to add here, this was a quality read, man.

I suspected there would be a twist coming, that it wasn’t just some grieving father taking revenge on the guy who took his family away from him. However, I didn’t see the twist coming, the police badge was a nicely played red herring to lead us down the wrong path and not in a manipulative way.

The prose is punchy and visual, some nice, phrasing in there, well paced also to keep the tension sustained.

I wonder how Timothy got to Emery after he arrested the other members of the Slaughterhouse Four, its left up to our own imaginations I guess. When you’re going back and forth between the flashbacks and Timothy’s torture of Emery and someone approaches the house I figured it was Timothy coming home and this confrontation led to the situation of Emery’s capture but that was obviously an incorrect presumption. Did you intend this? If so, well done.

Also, good structuring with the news anchorman’s V.O playing over the closing sequence of scenes.

Congratulations too on getting it filmed, always good to see quality work get noticed.

Great job.

Col.

Hey James,

Congrats on all the attention.
I can see why this is an attractive production.
Your pages kept my attention all the way through.

SPOILERS

There was one thing Timothy did that struck me a little odd.
The "madman" line.
It's phrased such a way we're to believe it's about Emery.
But of course, that's not the case here.
I question whether or not he';d refer to his altruistic self that way.

END SPOILERS

Still, that niggle aside, this is worthy stuff.
Congrats and keep us posted!

Regards,
E.D.

Hey, Kurtz.
Thanks for the read and the extremely kind words!
This script has definitely gotten mixed reviews, so I'm glad there are people out there
that notice the details. All of readers have said that it needs more torture.
I didn't want to make a torture porn script, I was going for more of an emotional impact.
Anyway, it's good to know I'm not crazy.
Thanks again!!!

Thanks Brett!

I was on the fence about that line myself.
I ended up sticking with it because I wanted as much trickery in there as possible.

SPOILERS
Hopefully people will assume which is the madman and which is the cop.
And the fact that Timothy has the badge will help to reinforce the assumption.

Anyway, I really appreciate you taking the time to read it and drop me a comment.

BTW, I uploaded the newest draft a month or so ago.
So, if you read the first draft (last fall), and are interested in seeing what's new, let me know if you like this draft better.

Thanks, guys & gals!

Hey James, really enjoyed this one.
The one thing I didnt like was the dialogue from Timothy when he is beating up Emery in the chair. it just doesnt feel right, I realise you are trying to build an image that Emery has killed Timothys family but if there is any way you could be a little more subtle (and maybe SHOW more rather than SAY) then you should try to rewrite some of it. The twist at the end obviously necessitates this dialogue to some extent though.
I agree with Mark that some of this may work on screen but doesnt really read that well. I do like your descriptions and the general writing style. Good luck

Gavin

I also wanted to add that I do not think you were celebrating evil or trying to be sympathetic towards a serial killer. At the end of the day a character is a character that has a story to be told no matter if he is good or evil. I'd be interested in seeing this when it is completely finished filming.

Gavin

Hey Gavin,
I appreciate the read.
And thanks for taking the time to give your input.

Is there any lines of dialogue in particular that you didn't think felt right?
If I can see where you are coming from with that, it could definitely help me to fix the problems.
I absolutely agree with you though. I think I could do some more showing.

Thanks again!

James, I thought this was well-done and a cut above a lot of the other stuff we see on here on a regular basis.  Nice twist about three-quarters through and I don't think it was contrived at all.  I would have felt better about the children being older--like 18 and above, because to think of younger kids as being a part of a murderous gang doesn't seem to set right in the overall picture.  

The dialogue didn't seem clunky by Timothy, but the anchorman did come off as a little bit of a cliche.  I don't know why that is, just felt that way to me.  All in all, I thought this was well-done.  Congrats!

Gary

Thanks, Hawkeye!
I understand what you mean about the Anchorman.
I feel the same way. I tried a few different things, but it always seemed to come
out stereotypical.

I appreaciate the kind words.

I dunno, ive re-read the dialogue a few times and it doesnt seem quite as bad as I first thought. But its still feels just not right. Im not fond of the line where he explains the knife being an anniversary gift. it might just be me tho, ya know being dicky

-Gavin