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You have a talent with these short horror scripts - I recall a few of yours, all effective, well written. I think I have enjoyed them all. Cooked was excellent.
This one reminds me of the thing that's wasn't, i think, you know an old kids tale, applied to a one location budget horror script.
SPOILERS
This is good. In fact, half way through I was really taken with this, it is very good. I haven't be as absorbed with a short like this one for a while. I really felt the tension, wondered what would happen. Well done.
The end was ok, just not as good as the beginning, for me. We are only talking five pages, but it does feel like it has different phases. As soon as it goes to weird creatures and stripped flesh I kind of tune out, but i accept that's me.
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Thanks for the quick read, guys. This is the first script I've written since Cooked and The Thing That Wasn't (geez, has it really been a year?), and it was a real pain in the ass to complete. I'm glad it's done and I'm generally satisfied with how it turned out.
Some background on this script:
After reviving The Thing That Wasn't on this website, I got a message on Facebook from a filmmaker in Los Angeles saying he had found The Thing That Wasn't on this website and was interested in reading more of my work, preferably something under five pages. It occurred to me I didn't have much for him. He showed me some of his stuff, it blew me away, and we began talking about what we liked in micro-horror shorts. It didn't take long for our shared interest in Drew Daywalt's Fewdio stuff on YouTube to become apparent. And Fewdio ultimately became the foundation for me coming up with Hiccups.
This is the first script I've written specifically for the scare and not the story.
I'm still not sure if the filmmaker has read it or is even remotely interested in it, but I have my fingers crossed, at least on the possibility of working with him in any capacity.
Thanks again for the comments, guys. Glad you enjoyed it.
You've got it structured right. You don't waste time getting right into it which I liked. I had a hunch somewhere along the way that (SPOILER) this would turn freaky. For some reason, somewhere at the back of my mind I was thinking, God please tell me there's going to be some logical explanation for this, like a dream or whatnot. I don't know. Personally, I feel that it's a cheap way to do a horror story.
Here's a horror story for ya. I wrote a nice little horror story, about the same length, and the writing software deleted it and then saved it and so I couldn't Ctrl+Z it back to life.
Anyway, I did like reading it. But it just doesn't appeal to me.
I liked your little tale of terr-- HICCUP, excuse me... anyway, its well written, quick and entertaining. The only "hiccup" I had with it was, *SPOILER -- I felt the ending didn't live up to the set-up. It was good, but the reveal left me unsatisfied for some reason... I think it's because we see the thing... sometimes leaving it to the imagination is better, perhaps not seeing the thing but rather just hearing it, save for maybe showing the ghostly hand grab the water, would be better... but hey, that's just my thoughts on it... that being said, I still enjoyed it a lot, and could make for a nice little micro-horror flick as-is.
The double twist got us thinking about the outcome of this script. I didn't see it coming, even with the foreshadow.
This seems lean and clean and I thought the dialouge is realistic. The action is lean and I think this is one of the best short screenplays I read.
I really don't have any suggestions about this. Maybe you can write some other scripts like this and we can see what are the strength and weakness. Other than this, I read this all the way through and the short still has tension, even at the end.
Well this was a breeze to read! And I liked it. It's well written and the simplicity of the story was appealing. It reminded me of that trailer for the horror film "The Conjuring", which actually made me jump (pretty effective for a trailer). Check it out and you'll see what I mean. Any way, the one thing I wasn't crazy about was the ending -- it didn't have much of a payoff, though I like the last hiccup touch at the very end. This monster kind of just comes out of left field, but I do understand it's a 4 page short. Overall, very enjoyable. A nice welcome back into the world of screenwriting!
@J.S. - Thanks for the read. I actually wasn't trying to hide this being a horror short. I even wrote "Short/Horror" when uploading it to the site, but I guess it got lost in translation in the hosting process. I understand this script isn't going to be everyone's cup of tea, but I'm glad you gave it a chance and appreciate the structure that comes with this formula. Thanks again.
@KAlbers - Thanks so much for the feedback! A part of me agrees that it's usually best not to show the horror, which is what I've done once before with The Thing That Wasn't. However, I think one of the things we writers often forget is how much fun a filmmaker can have with a good, scary visual. If we give them a good-enough buildup to justify a gratuitous scare, these filmmakers can basically go nuts and create whatever the hell they want. You're right, I could easily have Kyle see Jenn's dead body under the bed and scream, just as he's grabbed and pulled to his death by an unseen presence. But is that really scary?
When getting to the reveal, I decided to bring out the six-year-old in me who assured himself every night that if he looked under the bed when the lights were out, he would see a pale-faced thing with sunken yellow eyes smiling back at him. And I want a filmmaker out there to bring that nameless nightmare to life.
@Reggie - Thank you for reading! I have a few more micro-horror script ideas in mind. Thank you for the huge compliment about this being one of the best short screenplays you've read. If you liked this one, check out my other script The Thing That Wasn't. I think you'll dig it.
@spesh2k - Thanks for your comment! You're right, the monster definitely comes out of left field. I originally wanted Jenn to be eating a snack in bed when her hiccups start. I also wanted there to be a pet cat in the house, and when the cat gets curious and starts to sniff under the bed, it doesn't return, and that's when the hiccups under the bed start. The theme here of course being the hiccups are caused by eating too fast. I couldn't figure out how to make it work and ultimately decided to ditch the idea. Who knows, it might show up in a later draft. Thanks again for the kind words!
@J.S. - Thanks for the read. I actually wasn't trying to hide this being a horror short. I even wrote "Short/Horror" when uploading it to the site, but I guess it got lost in translation in the hosting process. I understand this script isn't going to be everyone's cup of tea, but I'm glad you gave it a chance and appreciate the structure that comes with this formula. Thanks again.
Chris,
I didn't take issue with it being Horror, so much than taking issue with you showing the little creature. I agree with most that you shouldn't have done it. And perhaps I wasn't clear when I said it was a cheap way to do a horror story. I meant showing the little creature guy when he starts feasting on the girl and whatnot. It's overkill. You've set up the scene so well it would be overkill to do that. At some point you've to realize you can't make the story more "horrific" by adding more gore. At least not for me anyway. I find it a turn off. So I agree with those that have said that you shouldn't show the creature.
@KAlbers - Thanks so much for the feedback! A part of me agrees that it's usually best not to show the horror
You can show the horror. I just wouldn't show the creature. For example: Jaws was miles more interesting to me when the Shark wasn't revealed. But when it was, it ruined it for me. I lost interest. I became aware of the strings on the puppet. I wasn't lost in it like I was when I had to rely on the character's body language and reactions to the shark which were way more engaging. I think that, yes, the mystery of what the creature looks like and the need to show it is so abundant that you feel you ought to do it. But I've always thought it a bad idea. There are exceptions nonetheless. I like The Thing precisely because of the creatures. But that's just a different movie all together.
When getting to the reveal, I decided to bring out the six-year-old in me who assured himself every night that if he looked under the bed when the lights were out, he would see a pale-faced thing with sunken yellow eyes smiling back at him. And I want a filmmaker out there to bring that nameless nightmare to life.
But I think because it differs from person to person what that "thing" looks like, you're better off leaving it in people's imagination what it looks like. Because we all have that idea of that scary thing under the bed, you don't have to do anything further than that. It's that simple. Less is more. Just leave it to our own sentiments and experiences and as Hitchcock said, have the horror occur in the audience and not on screen (I'm paraphrasing of course).
I also wanted there to be a pet cat in the house, and when the cat gets curious and starts to sniff under the bed, it doesn't return, and that's when the hiccups under the bed start.
Stick with the cat idea! Play around with it a bit more. That's much creeper for sure. I'm not sure about the whole "that's when the hiccups start" but you can definitely use it as foreshadow and maybe weave in the story some other way, like the guy doesn't like the cat or something which kind of makes him happy it doesn't return
Good luck on the rewrite. I'd be happy to read it.
Sham, I thought this was going to be a bit of a quirky horror but it was quite spooky at the end. I liked it. Simple and to the point with a great ending. Not much wrong with it. Nice work.
Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.
Not sure if I read anything from you before. Regardless, I wanted to check this one out given all of the hype.
Overall, pretty harmless in my opinion. Thought your writing could be a bit more fluid and things could build up a bit more, but I enjoyed it. Not sure how other members could comment on the characters since no one had any depth whatsoever. You dive in immediately without giving us much of a chance to get to know these characters. And I think that's this short's biggest flaws. I just don't care for the characters...because I have no idea who they are.
Could easily see this one getting produced. This is easy to make and would look pretty cool. The idea of a ghost stripping away the flesh from one's hand is pretty bitchin.
So in conclusion, a concise read with little depth. Thought the ending was pretty standard. Liked the snarkiness at the end.
Oh and remove the "Contintued" from the beginning and end of each page. You can disable it within celtx.
At first, I'm not sure I got into it, but after reading what others thought, I kinda see it more favorably. Especially after JS's lengthy response. It's pretty solid, for sure. You did a lot with very little. That's a pretty mad skill to have.
I'm on the fence about showing the creature. The safest way to scare the audience is not to show it, but rather to show the environmental and personal reactions to it. But I think giving a very small, blurry glimpse of the thing can be scarier. If it's totally dark, the audience will probably fill in the blank with a rather predictable, common horror based on their personal experiences. What you should do is throw in some clues to throw them off, making them question their senses and their experience and even the nature of the creature they're encountering. Or you could show a clue that represents the exact thing you know they're thinking about, but have it be just a smaller part of a larger monstrosity. Like the dorsal fin in Jaws. That's a very intimidating image on its own because it's sharp like a knife, but its size leads to the idea that there's so much more to that creature than a fin.
I also like the idea with the cat. Sure, Ridley Scott did it in Alien, but it works. Cats freak out easily, so they're easy to manipulate for a production. Plus, they can be scary in themselves, distracting the audience from the real scare. If they're like my cat, they're unpredictable, too. One second, they're your cuddle buddy, and the next...they bite you without warning. That bipolar nature is pretty great for a horror movie. Way better than dogs...unless it's a Terminator movie.
"I remember a time of chaos. Ruined dreams. This wasted land. But most of all, I remember The Road Warrior. The man we called 'Max'."
Hey Chris - I liked this, it was nicely worked and well pitched considering how spartan it was. I agree this would film quite nicely. There's enough there character-wise, as there's so little time for development in a short this short.
I liked the monster taking the water at the end, and I think your writing suited the scene you were writing.
My only gripe would be the use of the INT which probably wasn't really needed for such limited location changes.
@AmbitionIsKey - Thank you for reading! Sorry to hear your original comment didn't post. I'll just assume for ego purposes it said something to the effect of "You're amazing and funny and charming and damn handsome to boot." Thanks again, Curt!
@J.S. - I see what you're saying now. I know for the next draft I'm going to take out the bit about the thing feasting on the girl's fingers. You're right, the gore is pointless for this. I'm also going through with the cat idea. But a huge percentage of my thinking wants the thing under the bed to be shown -- even for just a split second -- near the end. I want to see a grinning, slightly inhuman face that smiles and hiccups. Try to watch some Fewdio shorts like Bedfellows, Creep, or Ninja Clown Monster to see where my influence is coming from. I don't want you to imagine a fully-lit, fully-exposed reveal. It's a shadowdy, in the dark, split-second reveal that makes your mind go, "WTF was that?" The kind of visual you want to rewind and pause just to get a better look at it. Thanks again for your feedback. It's much appreciated.
@alffy - Thanks for reading, alffy! I'm glad you enjoyed it. It is a very simple, but that's what I wanted to write.
@albinopenguin - Thanks for your feedback! I'm glad you enjoyed it for the most part. I'll make sure to get rid of the "CONTINUED"s with the next draft. I agree, the two characters I have are very two-dimensional, but luckily this one's not about them so it works regardless. Thanks again!
@DanBall - Loved your comment, thank you so much! I understand what you mean about seeing something more favorably after going through the comments. That's happened to me on several occasions with other scripts on this site. I agree, the reveal of the thing should be shadowed and indistinct (see my response to J.S. in this same post), which is exactly what I want to do with the next draft. Thanks again for reading!
@SciColl007 - Thank you for reading! I actually wrote this with one INT. at the beginning and end and using "BEDROOM" and "HALLWAY" when intercutting the scenes in the middle, but it just didn't look right. Probably because they blended so easily with the standalone HICCUP lines. If more people find it to be a problem, I'll change it. Thanks again!
I saw the shorts you were referring to. Thanks for hyper-linking them by the way.
I see where you're coming from. I'm not really a big fan of the monster jumps at you horror, but I kinda liked the "Creep". Actually, I guess I'm just not a big fan of people's/things' jerking reactions on screen in general. I have no idea why. I'm just not a fan. Maybe I've become immune to it or something. Who knows
Yea, you know, I don't know. I've given it a bit more thought now. I'm unsure about my earlier comments. I guess maybe because it is a strange creature we don't know, and that's kind of what you're going for, it might be appropriate to do what you wanted to do - not just the shadowy reveal, or split second reveal, but just "some" reveal. I'm thinking in the lines of what DanBall mentioned, and I got to thinking that if it was in fact something familiar to the audience then you wouldn't have to reveal it, but maybe reveal a part of it, or you only hear a sound of it, or whatever. That I like, and that would certainly work in my opinion. But I guess because it is a short, and because it is some strange creature, a reveal would probably be appropriate.
@J.S. - What's funny to me is that a majority of these Fewdio shorts are extremely involving, at least until the last three-or-so seconds. There's another horror short from Drew Daywalt called There's No Such Thing which also concerns a monster under the bed that is EXTREMELY effective. This short came to my attention after writing Hiccups, and I'm actually glad I watched it during my revision of Hiccups so I can try to avoid the same trappings. I just finished the newest draft of Hiccups this evening and will post it as soon as Don allows submissions again. I'm excited to hear what readers think of the changes. And I'm even more excited to get it down to four pages.
Also, thanks to this website, I have been in communication with three filmmakers interested in bringing this script to the screen, and I'll keep everyone posted with what happens next.
First of all I wouldn't even comment unless the script was written well. This script is written well. Nice flow... until right at the end. I wasn't expecting a horror script... from the logline I was expecting a guy scaring his girl to go too far, ie she is killed by misadventure and not a mystical beast suddenly appearing for no apparent reason under the bed. It genuinely seemed as though the magical creature appearing from nowhere was a bit of a cop out... an easy out for the story.
To sum it up. I enjoyed reading it, you have a nice flow and a way with words, you're a good writer... however I feel this story could have been tackled better. Either that or the logline should be changed.
Sorry, anyway, a great little five pager you got here. An inexplicable monster-under-the-bed scenario, nothing new there, however you’ve given it a very random and slightly unsettling twist of hiccupping!
JENN How comprehensive.
- Loving the punchy dialogue so far but this line stuck out as awkward and ill fitting.
Other than that, the writing is clear and concise, the dialogue sharp.
I particularly liked the ending when the beast reaches up and grabs the glass of water before silence pervades the room. Great use of audio/visuals to effectively execute the piece.
The revised draft is now posted. Thanks, Don! That was fast!
@Dustin Bowcott - Thanks for reading! I'm glad you liked the writing. I think the revised draft helps cement the idea that something is underneath the bed from the very beginning, and it hopefully also explains why the monster gets the hiccups around the same time Jenn does. I also changed the reveal of the creature so that it's more mysterious, shadowed, and indistinct -- and I take it out of the bedroom. I think it works a lot better, and I hope everyone else thinks so too.
@colkurtz8 - Thanks for your feedback. I'm glad you enjoyed it. I think the audible aspect of screenwriting is probably my favorite thing to write. Any storyteller can tell you the noise itself is typically always scarier than what makes the noise. You'll also be glad to know the "how comprehensive" line has been removed in the rewrite; I felt the same way about it. Thanks again!
I don't remember in the previous version, how did the hiccups under the bed start? I know there wasn't a cat to cause them. Were they spontaneous?
Another thing, didn't he go back up stairs and looked under the bed in the previous version? For what reason was that? I just don't remember that either.
Your opening is great. The set-up is great. It's definitely one of the best scripts I've read here.
@ J.S. - Thank you so much! I'm glad you've stuck with this one. The hiccups under the bed started quite spontaneously in the first draft, and I didn't like that. So I added the cat running under the bed, as well as the line "I told you not to eat too fast," to justify why the the thing under the bed got the hiccups.
And yes, in the original draft, Kyle heard Jenn scream and ran back to the bedroom. With this revision, I removed the scream and took the monster into the hallway to come for Kyle instead.
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
The director, Karson Holbrook, is in the final stages of post-production. The release date says tomorrow (December 15), but I'm not sure if and when the film will be available to view online. Again, I'll keep everyone posted.
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Well done, mate. I'm looking forward to seeing how this turns out. If you've got a Facebook page or anything else, throw it up and I'll give it a like.
I was able to see the film for the first time today. I'm extremely happy with it. It's a pretty slick and faithful production, and I was immediately surprised to see such technical quality for something that no one invested in or made a paycheck from.
I asked the director how the premiere went, and he said lots of people commented on how scary it was. I think I'm even more happy for him than I am for myself.
The film is currently password protected on Vimeo, so I'm talking to the director to see when I have his permission to share the film with others.
I remember reading this a while back and liking it a whole bunch... looking forward to seeing the film! The stills look promising, very slick, good lighting.
Hey Chris. Congrats on this. Would be interested to see the finished project.
I dug the script pretty good. I liked the use of the reflection a lot. It's little things like this that make horror effective. I liked the image of the glasses in blood as well.
I realize the script's already done but for future reference, I'll say I thought the "Jenn, we tried..." line was too expository. I don't think they'd refer back to all this stuff in such a way. You could've just said "We've tried everything" and the reader would've understood.
Not a huge gripe. Just something to think about for next time. This was about the only issue that really stuck out. Otherwise, not bad and once again, congrats.
I couldn't remember if I had read this one -- I had, apparently, because I remembered how it was going to end partway through -- but that didn't really diminish my enjoyment of this one at all. Well-executed, and a lot of that is down to the pacing, the sound design, and the choice to spend money in the right places (though that's all I'll say about that).
Beautiful in its simplicity, this one, a good ol'-fashioned spooky story. What I really appreciated about the film was that it knew when to take things slow and how to keep a consistently engaging pace that kept things moving but allowed us to spend some time with the characters.
That said, I did feel that there were some quiet moments in here that could have been used to bring more character out of these two. We get to see them while they're alone a lot -- would have been neat if the dude muttered something to himself, or picked his nose, or some little character-building thing, while he was waiting. Same goes for her...this one would have been even better for me if some character quirks and tells were packed into those moments of silence.
The cinematography's probably not quite up to the task in some of these shots; there are times when the shots are a little bit boring because the lighting can't quite support the slow pacing. Some shots look great, though, and I think it's the right choice to have the right pacing and not perfect lighting, rather than to ruin the pace trying to move quick through the boring shots.
The major directorial gripe I had here was the failure to establish a spatial relationship between the bedroom and the hiding spot at the bottom of the stairs. I definitely lost some tension just being confused about where he was, where he was going to jump out from, and so on. Tension there relied on my imagination and my imagination was handicapped by not knowing where the source of danger would be coming from.
Sound design helped a LOT, though the rising strings were a bit overbearing during the reveal. Other than that, though, I thought the designer's work was excellent.
Script came off great; lots of great stuff in this one. Definitely something to be proud of, Chris!
I just read this - It was well written and as a stand-alone scare it worked. I'm all about the story though and this seems like a scene from a feature rather than a contained short. Don't get me wrong, I liked it, I just personally think a short should still be a story with a beginning, middle and end.
However if you have an idea for turning this into a feature and this is just a taster then I'm sold.
Congratulations on getting this produced, that's FAB!
For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
I couldn't remember if I had read this one -- I had, apparently, because I remembered how it was going to end partway through -- but that didn't really diminish my enjoyment of this one at all. Well-executed, and a lot of that is down to the pacing, the sound design, and the choice to spend money in the right places (though that's all I'll say about that).
Beautiful in its simplicity, this one, a good ol'-fashioned spooky story. What I really appreciated about the film was that it knew when to take things slow and how to keep a consistently engaging pace that kept things moving but allowed us to spend some time with the characters.
Thanks so much! I was really impressed with the sound design myself. The director wants to convert it to 5.1 surround (which he wasn't able to do originally because he was on a time crunch to finish the film as his senior project). I think that'll really benefit the film since so much of it relies on the music and sound effects.
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That said, I did feel that there were some quiet moments in here that could have been used to bring more character out of these two. We get to see them while they're alone a lot -- would have been neat if the dude muttered something to himself, or picked his nose, or some little character-building thing, while he was waiting. Same goes for her...this one would have been even better for me if some character quirks and tells were packed into those moments of silence.
You're right. I feel like the camera lingers a little longer than it should in some instances (Jenn looking underneath the bed and preparing to scream, Kyle texting in the hallway, etc). I did like a few things the director did on his own, like Kyle turning off the fish tank, Jenn seeing the red yarn retreating at the foot of the bed, etc. I was actually VERY surprised and happy he felt comfortable enough to make those changes, because they work.
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The major directorial gripe I had here was the failure to establish a spatial relationship between the bedroom and the hiding spot at the bottom of the stairs. I definitely lost some tension just being confused about where he was, where he was going to jump out from, and so on. Tension there relied on my imagination and my imagination was handicapped by not knowing where the source of danger would be coming from.
I see what you're saying. I mentioned to the director I wish there had been a tracking shot of the monster's POV as it walks down the hallway, just to establish the thumping was footsteps instead of somebody pounding on a door or something else that could potentially make the same noise. That way it also establishes where Kyle is hiding AND how close the thing is to him.
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Script came off great; lots of great stuff in this one. Definitely something to be proud of, Chris!
I just read this - It was well written and as a stand-alone scare it worked. I'm all about the story though and this seems like a scene from a feature rather than a contained short. Don't get me wrong, I liked it, I just personally think a short should still be a story with a beginning, middle and end.
However if you have an idea for turning this into a feature and this is just a taster then I'm sold.
Congratulations on getting this produced, that's FAB!
Thanks for reading, Mark. This isn't a deep story by a long shot, and I'll be the first to admit I built the whole thing around a quick scare, but I do feel it has a solid beginning, middle, and end for such a short piece. It's definitely a "what you see is what you get" scenario, though. Thanks again!
I think it's a bit drawn out, it relies on a lot of tense pauses where nothing is really happening. A few seconds trim here and there could help or more action.
The reflection in the mirror is spot on; a great touch! If we would have seen the face it would have dissapointing and not just because it's low budget or anything, but because our imagination can always do more. As it was, this was really creepy. I think his hiding place could have been better though!
The glimpse of the monster's hand is a bit off. It looks funny, like a kid's ET costume or something which takes the edge off the moment but this is still a great short.
I agree as well with the above comment, this is screaming out for a final hiccup right at the end of the credits!
Congratulations again on getting this produced.
-Mark
For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
I agree with a few of the comments. I don't think there was a solid "map" of the bedroom versus the boyfriend's hiding spot. And if he was indeed as close to the bedroom as it seems, he would have heard his girlfriend scream. That's why it never says she screams in the script -- she doesn't actually get the chance to cry out, so he doesn't hear her death. But in the film, it's clear she's belting out a loud one, so he would've known she was in trouble and come running.
I can see the rubber-textured hand being kind of hokey, but for a no-budget film, I've seen worse.
The reason for there not being a hiccup at the very end is simple -- the sip of water cured the monster's hiccups.
Keep in mind no one really invested in this film financially or made a paycheck from it, so this was all a labor of love. I'm really proud of it and I've seen it probably more than anyone, but it's a little bittersweet for me that this is the end of the road. Onto the next thing!
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Hiccups - Filmed!
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anyway, its well written, quick and entertaining. The only "hiccup" I had with it was, *SPOILER -- I felt the ending didn't live up to the set-up. It was good, but the reveal left me unsatisfied for some reason... I think it's because we see the thing... sometimes leaving it to the imagination is better, perhaps not seeing the thing but rather just hearing it, save for maybe showing the ghostly hand grab the water, would be better... but hey, that's just my thoughts on it... that being said, I still enjoyed it a lot, and could make for a nice little micro-horror flick as-is.
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