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Hey Jeff I never said my script was flawless and never said it didn't have it's share of problems.
OK, then why all the fuss about some very obvious mistakes that were brought up, as well as a vast number of blatant mistakes that were vaguely referenced?
I came second along side of Dena in the WA challenge and did get comments like Kudos and Excellent. Just stating a fact here.
That's great, Alex. Congratulations. Does that mean that you don't want to fix any blatant mistakes? You're one of those "writers" who only wants to hear praise, obviously. The problem is that the praise doesn't do anything for you, bro. The critique is what helps, but I guess you're above help, huh?
My writing has come a long way in my time on SS and there is no way that the writing in this script is awkward. Either state where you feel it is awkward or retract your unjustified statement.
Wow...really? You're really saying this? You honestly believe there's no awkward writing in this script, huh? Maybe you don't know what awkward writing even is. So, just to try 1 last time to open your eyes, I'll list some awkward lines. You read them back and let me know if you understand why they're awkward. Can you do that?
Your opening line - "A dark and still night -- A row boat cuts a path through the thick fog."
Your 2nd passage - both lines - "A SHADOW lurks and grips the oars. His deep breaths can be heard through the thick night air."
Your 3rd passage - "Every movement of the oars, takes the row boat closer to a dim lit house in the distance."
Your 4th passage - "A lit candle in the window of the house shines a pathway."
Seriously, basically, ev ery line is awkward, has grammar errors, punctuation errors, etc. You honestly don't see this or know what I'm talking about?
I'll throw out a few more doozies, just so you know I read through your script again.
"He stands near the house with an axe in hand as he chops firewood."
"A stern of a boat cuts the still waters and heads towards a house.
"They pickup rocks and pelt them towards the house, breaking bits of the dry timber that lines the exterior walls."
"Jack picks-up his axe and moves towards the Children."
"Rocks bounce off his body as the Children release a continuous stream of missiles."
"An evil stare at the Child as Jack wipes the blood with his index finger."
"The boys run to their boat as fear fills their young faces."
"William looks at the Old-Man curious."
"With an axe in hand, Jack rushes to his colorful row boat and quickly pushes it into the murky waters and jumps in as it floats away."
"William turns pale as he stares at a cold faced Old -Man who lifts a pipe to his mouth."
OK, Alex, is that enouigh examples? I can't wait to see your reply, saying there's nothing wrong with any of my examples.
Extras !! We are talking about a group of 4 boys and a Lady who knocks on a door at the end. If you had a screenplay with a gathering of people would you name all 43 of them? Really Jeff !!
As you stated, we're not talking about 43 people at a gathering, we're talking about a total of 7 characters. You used 3 different references for Jack Flannigan. You used "the Children", "the boys", and "the Child" for the 4 lads. But the best one has to be "Lady", who is obviously William's mother. I'd love to see a filmed version of this when the credits roll, and see the character "Lady". WTF? Really? You don't see an issue with that?
I do realize that it is obvious that the Old-Man is Jack Flannigan and really didn't want to confuse things further by stating that. I do feel it works that way and don't see any need to change it. iMHO.
Alex, Alex, Alex...seriously? You say this again and don't see the madness in your thinking? How in the world would you be "confusing things further" by using a character's name in your script? As I sai earlier, the reality is exactly the opposite. You really don't get that? If this is the way you feel, why not just throw out random names and descriptors each time you reference a character?
If you know anything about row boats. A rower faces the back of the boat as he rows. That's the stern. Would you place the boy at the bow of the boat so he is behind you ? It is just common sense and was done intentionally.
I see. So, this row boat goes both ways, so to speak, I take it. Here's 2 quotes from your script regarding the bow and stern of this row boat.
"The bow of the row boat slices into the muddy shore line."
"A stern of a boat cuts the still waters and heads towards a house."
Jeff I feel you have built yourself a reputation on SS. The point is not me receiving negative feedback the point is when someone is blatantly wrong and they know it.
Exactly. I hope you now know you are blatantly wrong. If you don't, you're either a complete idiot, or a blatant liar.
By the way Jeff your writing here is vary awkward not to mention the number of typos and spelling mistakes.
Good one, Alex. I was a little hammied, most likely. I think you'll find most posts are poorly and rather quickly written. Hopefully, this post is written a bit better.
Seriously Jeff, I find your attitude is appalling. I have received both good and bad feedback in the past and have thick enough skin to take it.
How in the world is my attitude appalling? Seriously, man. All I've done is give you free feedback and attempted to help you. It's your attitude that stinks. Accept the feedback. Be gracious for the time spent. Admit to your numerous mistakes and move on.
Generally when the majority agree then that is unanimous and I follow a general consensus.
That's actually a piss poor way to go, bro. If you have 10 trained chimps read your script and provide feedback, does it really matter what they have to say? How about 10 first year writers? Or your Mom and Dad? Listen to what's right - the majority is not always correct...and if you think they are, you're very foolish.
As for the story, it's quite creepy. I enjoyed the end, it was pretty disturbing.
A few things that stuck out to me as I read:
" A dark and still night -- A row boat cuts a path through the thick fog."
The way you wrote this, you joined two separate clauses with double hyphens. From what I understand, double hyphens should be used in the manner as a colon, and only to put critical emphasis on what precedes it. A double hyphen is going to draw a good amount of attention to the reader, so better make it good.
"Every movement of the oars, takes the row boat closer to a dim lit house in the distance."
This entire line reads awkward. We already know the oars are in motion.
"A young bright faced WILLIAM O’HARA (10) lies in the bed and flips pages of an old stained book."
Modifiers should be distinguished: young, bright-faced and old, stained.
"William lifts his face from the book. Notices a bearded OLD- MAN (63)"
'Notices a bearded OLD MAN' is a dependent clause, so it should have a conjunction that ties it to the subject. A double hyphen could actually work here, because it will draw the reader to the surprise of it. Also, keep the predicate of William going wide-eyed into the sentence somehow, because just "noticing" it kills the flow.
"He stands near the house with an axe in hand as he chops firewood."
I understand why you brought the axe into play here, but it reads weird. Why not share some creepy characteristics of the axe in a way that builds some tension?
For the most part, there are lines littered throughout that could be tuned up.
OLD-MAN (V.O.) They say on a still night. Ya’ can ere’ the cries of the wee’ lads as Jack Flannigan feeds on their flesh and then grinds their bones to dust.
Thats my favorite line of dialogue from the short. I thought you handled the dialogue in this well, the dialect was fun to follow and aligns itself with the story.
Overall, it was a creepy tale. That ending was really something, a knock-out IMO.
I have taken my share of both good and bad feedback so you have no idea what you are talking about and really why change my awkward lines to read different in your post. Get it right dude as it really does show your inexperience and lack of confidence in you own abilities.
I am better than that, and I really am not going to argue by trying to substantiate on your extensive list with someone who wastes my time.
I have taken my share of both good and bad feedback so you have no idea what you are talking about and really why change my awkward lines to read different in your post. Get it right dude as it really does show your inexperience and lack of confidence in you own abilities.
HUH? I have no idea what I'm talking about because you have taken your share of both good and bad feedback? I don't quite get that point.
You're saying I changed your lines when I quoted them? Really? No, ALex, I copy pasted them. If there's a letter off or teh like, my apologies, but these are your lines. Still think they're not awkward, or can't you admit to any of your many failings? Simply unbeleivable.
My inexperience and lack of confidence shows how, you little pussy?
I am better than that, and I really am not going to argue by trying to substantiate on your extensive list with someone who wastes my time.
You're better than what? No need to argue, just respond to my feedback as I responded to yours. You can't seem to fess up to literally anything, can you? Very sad, Alex...
Look man, if anyone here knows Jeff, I know Jeff. I think it simply might be the tone you’re seeing rather than the information he’s giving. But I can say, he is right on with the advice he is giving.
Writing wise, this is okay - could be tightened up in areas, maybe a few grammar issues but I'm hardly the expert in this area. I would watch out for repetitiveness in the action as it's more recognizable over six pages but on the whole it read fast. Steve
Quoted from Dreamscale
Your writing is awkward and repetitive throughout. Read carefully and see how often you repeat your Slug in your first line beneath it.
"Every movement of the oars, takes the row boat closer to a dim lit house in the distance."
This entire line reads awkward. We already know the oars are in motion.
Alex,
These are all from people looking to help you with small repairable issues with your script.
Some awkward lines and repetitiveness.
All of them are keying on pretty much the same issues here. I honestly think you are simply taking what Jeff has to say personally because of his frankness.
But he’s right as are the others here.
Jeff and I go way back, Alex. I fought with him for weeks. But you know what I learned?
His heart is in the right place.
In fact, for a proofreader, there is no one here better. I will NEVER send out a script without him reading it first. Not because he’s a good friend (which he is) but because no one has a better eye than him.
No one here is looking to run anyone off but see the advice for what it is…
Advice and nothing more my friend
Believe me, at the end of the day, if several people are saying the same thing, (as it seems above) no matter the tone, believe it and make your decision based on that information.
Not on whether the person writing it is pissing you off with their tone.
Take care man
Shawn…..><
Oh, and I will say this...
oJOHNNYoNUTSo is really bad-a$$ super impressive with his skills as well.
That's some serious advice with regards to the sentance structure you gave bro.
Jeff took the time to go through a writing exercise with me to literally show me what I am doing wrong...and that was after he detonated at least 3 of my scripts.
Since then, I have been addicted to learning formulaic grammar, and I think in the long run it will pay off in ways that will take my writing far beyond the next level.
You guys seem to have forgotten what Alex's initial affrontery was about.
He primarily remarked on how some people giving feedback come out with:
'awkward phrasing, & grammar, punctuation and spelling errors' (paraphrasing here) throughout but then they don't say what those errors are.
And then, this thread went a little haywire. This is not my 'fight' so I will say no more, other than - c'mon guys, (the two main guys, that is), surely things can pointed out with a little nicer tone.
See you're getting some heat. I was reading this and one of my favorite songs came to mind... "Many miles away there's a shadow on the door of a cottage on the shore of a dark Scottish lake." ...many miles away. The Police (Sting). Syncronicity II... powerful. I'll get back to this one...
This was a short, simple tale. Very creepy, so props. Quick and easy read as well. Nothing really tripped me up. I would have wrote a few things differently, but here's the kicker, this is your script... not mine.
..and it was clear to me by page four, why the old man was there and who William was. Sometimes its good to let the audience put 2 and 2 together. But regardless, things fell into place nicely. Your ending was good... it works. So please don't get me wrong here. For a piece like this...
...sometimes take a page from some great artists, who have purposely kept some of their art ambiguous - Sting, Picasso, Dada... there has been endless speculation as to what the Mona Lisa's smile is really about. The art then becomes a more powerful interaction with the audience. If Sting were to tell us what he really meant in Synchronicity II it would lose its magic. Besides, he himself probably interprets it differently at different times.
So I might have gave some serious thought to leaving the ending ambiguous. But that's just me. Having said that...
...I had no major gripes with anything here... so I don't nitpick. Overall I enjoyed this... so nice job.
I was reading this and one of my favorite songs came to mind... "Many miles away there's a shadow on the door of a cottage on the shore of a dark Scottish lake." ...many miles away. The Police (Sting). Syncronicity II... powerful. I'll get back to this one...
Ghostwriter is right,
Now that I look at this, I see some of the great artist Chris de Burgh from the 1982 hit song, don’t pay the Ferryman.
Don’t even fix a price. Don’t pay the Ferryman till he gets you to the other side…
If Sting were to tell us what he really meant in Synchronicity II it would lose its magic. Besides, he himself probably interprets it differently at different times.
Hope I don’t kill the magic…but-
Synchronicity is-
The album was inspired by Arthur Koestler's The Roots of Coincidence, which mentions Carl Jung's theory of synchronicity. Sting was an avid reader of Koestler, and also named Ghost in the Machine after one of his works.
And
Synchronicity -2 ...
Refers to Carl Jung's theory of synchronicity, nominally tells the story of an emasculated husband and harried father whose home, work life, and environment are terrible and depressing. In an early stretch of lyrics we find "Grandmother screaming at the wall" (family trouble/mental illness), as well as "mother chants her litany of boredom and frustration, but we know all her suicides are fake" (nagging, unhappy spouse). Later, we hear about humiliation by his boss ("and every single meeting with his so-called superior/is an humiliating kick in the crotch"), all the while he "knows that something somewhere has to break". Meanwhile something monstrous is emerging from a "dark Scottish lake/loch", a reference to the Loch Ness Monster—a parallel to the father's own inner anguish.
Refers to Carl Jung's theory of synchronicity, nominally tells the story of an emasculated husband and harried father whose home, work life, and environment are terrible and depressing. In an early stretch of lyrics we find "Grandmother screaming at the wall" (family trouble/mental illness), as well as "mother chants her litany of boredom and frustration, but we know all her suicides are fake" (nagging, unhappy spouse). Later, we hear about humiliation by his boss ("and every single meeting with his so-called superior/is an humiliating kick in the crotch"), all the while he "knows that something somewhere has to break". Meanwhile something monstrous is emerging from a "dark Scottish lake/loch", a reference to the Loch Ness Monster�a parallel to the father's own inner anguish.
Inspired by the writings of C. G. Jung... duh, that's no big secret. But how does it end. We're left wodering...
One interpretation, perfectly plausible is he's about to massacre everybody when he enters the house. Another -- he is about to have a breakthrough and maybe just leave... or tell everybody to go "jump in a lake." Either way, he's about to change.
Is the monster going to kill the folks in the cottage?
My overall point in my post stands... and it still hasn't lost its magic.
See you're getting some heat. I was reading this and one of my favorite songs came to mind... "Many miles away there's a shadow on the door of a cottage on the shore of a dark Scottish lake." ...many miles away. The Police (Sting). Syncronicity II... powerful. I'll get back to this one...
This was a short, simple tale. Very creepy, so props. Quick and easy read as well. Nothing really tripped me up. I would have wrote a few things differently, but here's the kicker, this is your script... not mine.
..and it was clear to me by page four, why the old man was there and who William was. Sometimes its good to let the audience put 2 and 2 together. But regardless, things fell into place nicely. Your ending was good... it works. So please don't get me wrong here. For a piece like this...
...sometimes take a page from some great artists, who have purposely kept some of their art ambiguous - Sting, Picasso, Dada... there has been endless speculation as to what the Mona Lisa's smile is really about. The art then becomes a more powerful interaction with the audience. If Sting were to tell us what he really meant in Synchronicity II it would lose its magic. Besides, he himself probably interprets it differently at different times.
So I might have gave some serious thought to leaving the ending ambiguous. But that's just me. Having said that...
...I had no major gripes with anything here... so I don't nitpick. Overall I enjoyed this... so nice job.
Good luck
Ghostie
Hey Ghostie,
Thanks for taking a read and really glad you enjoyed it.
I loved that song and it would be perfect for this if it was filmed as a short. I can picture Jack Flannigan rowing away with the stolen boy in the row boat and this tune playing.
It's sort-a stuck in my head now though I remember it being stuck in my head when it came out.
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