Yeah right, I forgot the big drug influence of Cypress Hill, maybe didn't fit here.

But still I believe the cop needs more profile at the end. What he did; hit the guy; seems to be natural for him, not for us- so show us who he is, when he does something which is natural for us, things we usually do all day - like starting a car, listening music etc.
at the end

That will carry your message which is, if I see it right: There are many
models of life or/and people. So welcome to the ASS COP

I think it does fit, he smokes weed, prob has a bottle of whiskey kicking around somewhere, remember . he is the law, he can do what he likes.

Yes. Exactly that and more of it. He throws the empty whiskey-bottle out of the window where the man is lying who just wanted to do his job... Just disrespectful. Just another  thought: Go deeper. What can you give him to justify his acting, that little tiny thing of characterization.
You will do it to the optimal

"Your" decisions are good. Keep them going.

Quoted from PrussianMosby Yes. Exactly  He throws the empty whiskey-bottle out of the window where the man is lying who just wanted to do his job... l

Excellent, I love that bit,

He's maybe got a heap of tickets on the dashboard and this one that send him over the edge? maybe,  maybe not, I'm brainstorming here.

Forget that last bit, he wouldn't care about tickets.

He's just dropped his cheeseburger on the pavement?

The point why you wrote the script is the answer to best way of execution. Don't lose balance. I hope somebody else who likes the script joins again. Good night

Thanks Prussian loved the brainstorming , goodnight

I like the idea, it screams Bad Lieutenant (original).
Other ways to take it, baring in mind it's a short,  maybe see the warden being a dick. Billy pulls in. Steps out his car. Notices the warden as he heads inside a charity shop. They nod to each other.  "Wont be five shakes of a lambs tail".  Warden " No worries, Billy, lad."
Warden tickets him anyway.  Billy rushes out.  Argument.  Warden thinks he owns the streets.  Headbutt.  Billy picks up his ticket, shreds it and leaves it over the dazed warden.
Gets in his car. Grabs his police ID. Revs the engine, music pumps. Smiles. Heads on his way.

Or, Billy stuck inside a shop. Just at the till, only meaning to be five minites. He keeps his eye on the roaming traffic warden that looms up the street. He keeps trying to get out the shop in order to talk to the warden but he will lose his place in a massive line.  Could create some comedic drama. By the time he gets his shopping done, he reaches his car just as traffic warden STAMPS his window with a ticket. Then we have RAGE, haha!

Just a few ideas.

All the best with what you have though, I think it would be fun to see and good luck with it.

Quoted from AtholForsyth Because you been telling me from the start to get someone else to write my script. Do one paragraph and if it's good, I'll take my hat off to you. If you don't even try, then shut the fuck up and find some other mother fucker to wind up. I tell you what, you give me a paragraph from one of your scripts and I'll replace it, make it in the first 5 pages and we'll see who is the creative here. I'll shoot you down in flames.

I wasn't suggesting teaming up with me, I wouldn't work for you. I've had my fill of dreamers. I turned away a guy offering to make All About Janet just a couple of days ago and he actually has a showreel of his work. I admit though that the only reason I didn't let him make it was because I like the story too much, and I'd like to make it myself one day. It would take someone very good or actually paying me to get that short script. Why would I write yours? What do I have to gain from that? Do you have a showreel? Can you guarantee me that you have the skills and wherewithal to do a good job with my work?

I was suggesting teaming up with a screenwriter you do get along with. You seem to have a couple of fans... no doubt attracted by the fact that you have equipment and want to make something.... an amazing brain storming session. Why don't you co-write?

Your premise reminds me a lot of, Filth. Irvine Welsh was a favourite author of mine. I believe there will be a film released soon. Not sure how they could make that work as well as trainspotting. I wonder how they get around 'the worm'?

If I wrote about a bad cop... he wouldn't be attacking traffic wardens. Small fry bullshit, IMO.

Decided to check this out based on all the commotion on this thread...

I don't think the writing was nearly as bad as Dustin suggested, but I'm sure the writer can agree that the writing can be a lot tighter. But I've read much, much worse. Much worse. This wasn't too bad... I wouldn't even say the actual writing was bad at all. As for the story...

The thing with shorts... it's usually like a good joke... a set up and then punchline (payoff)... here, the set-up doesn't seem suitable with the payoff. Dialogue is fine I guess, though I think a lot of it can be cut out.

Or you can keep most of the dialogue, but maybe add a page or two, to make the character's shocking outburst seem more justified based on maybe a clue or two as to what his true identity is (as revealed at the end).

I don't feel like there was much irony... yeah, he stomped the shit outta the dude, and yeah, a badge was revealed in the glovebox... but I feel like it needed one more twist... like the car exploding for instance... or the parking authority dude (or meter maid) getting back up and striking back outta nowhere... maybe the meter maid is a retired Marine or something (like many of them are here in the States -- a lot of war Vets also end up doing security guard work, too)... poetic justice if you will...

As of now, it just feels like an imcomplete scene, cut off far too early...

-- Michael

Ah... I should point out that I am talking about his story-writing ability. Not his actual writing, which isn't that bad. The choices he is making are way off. If the scene is about a bad cop and not about a traffic warden getting what the writer sees as their comeuppance, then why pick on such a weak target.

I'm pretty sure that you can't ticket a policeman's car anyway. If it is ticketed then the tickets are thrown away. So long as the officer is on duty at the time.

So what are his motives?

There aren't any.

More irony is needed if this is to be a parody. More violent deeds, so you've shown he can park where he likes, maybe some stunt driving, taking things from a shop without paying, sex with a prostitute without paying, robbing a drug dealer and selling off his goods... then show him being a cop. Because, if you think about it, that's about what cops do.

Change the title to, Jack the Lad... have him wearing a suit, not a twat, got to look mean, heavy hands.

Don't have him beat up the traffic warden, simply have him rip the ticket up. Then he walks into a store and intimidates the shopkeeper, laughing at him while he takes the piss, rummaging around the shop eating things while he browses, then have him steal some cigarettes from behind the counter, maybe some cash from the till.

Then he's back in the car, maybe he snorts a line of coke... does some stunt driving, picks up a whore... kicks her out of the car once he's finished.

Then he hits the drug dealers yard, door straight off.Beats him up, takes his drugs and gold, cash etc... then pawns his gold. Maybe takes his nice car too.

Then he goes home to his wife and kids, tosses his badge wearily onto the kitchen table, normal family man again.

That's how I'd do your story.

WOW, something positive from Dustin!!!  Are you ill?

The Jack the lad bit is a bit cliche, it's also an English saying that's not used here, plus I think Billy the Bomb suits him.

Some good points tho and I like the bit about the whore, I might start the script with her getting kicked out of the Stang and shouting some crap at him as he drives off. Maybe theres a small clue to him being a cop with what she shouts.

BTW Filth came out a few months ago starring James McAvoy, I've not seen it yet but I've heard it's good.

I was just away to send this when I looked up and saw another quote from you

"You seem to have a couple of fans... no doubt attracted by the fact that you have equipment and want to make something."

Why would you say that? Is it not possible that some people actually like it?

Quoted from AtholForsyth WOW, something positive from Dustin!!!  Are you ill? The Jack the lad bit is a bit cliche, it's also an English saying that's not used here, plus I think Billy the Bomb suits him. Some good points tho and I like the bit about the whore, I might start the script with her getting kicked out of the Stang and shouting some crap at him as he drives off. Maybe theres a small clue to him being a cop with what she shouts. BTW Filth came out a few months ago starring James McAvoy, I've not seen it yet but I've heard it's good. I was just away to send this when I looked up and saw another quote from you "You seem to have a couple of fans... no doubt attracted by the fact that you have equipment and want to make something." Why would you say that? Is it not possible that some people actually like it?

I wouldn't give any clues as to what he is. I'd try to make him as much like a criminal as I possibly could. That makes the twist all the greater. No clues. It'd only ruin it.

I'm not interested in watching Filth. Maybe it's good, but the book was hilarious. I got my gf into reading with that book. I'll watch it when it hits netflix or something.

I'm sure people like maybe the concept, the twist at the end. The execution hasn't been well received by anyone that I can remember. They've all wanted to see it improved.


*edit* Also consider making this dialogue free.

EXT. INDUSTRIAL EST - DAY
BILLY THE BOMB (45), big, bald, dressed in a suit, screeches his Ford Mustang to a halt at the side of the road where a HOOKER (30) mini skirt, big tits, struggles to climb out.
HOOKER
Give me my fucking money?
BILLY THE BOMB
You should be paying me, I’ve had more fun at a funeral.
HOOKER
Go fuck yourself pig.
Billy throws a used condom at her and drives off at speed.