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Until One Has Loved An Animal by Manolis Froudarakis (Athenian) - Short, Comedy - Tom never expected to shed tears over a dog, but now realizes the need to grieve. And convincingly so. 8 pages - pdf, format
Two dog-abuse shorts posted today! (The other one is "Stuffed," which I've read but not commented on yet.)
I see where the funny parts are supposed to be, but I didn't even crack a smile. Probably because Tom is completely unlikeable. At the end, I didn't laugh, either. I just thought, that poor puppy.
- Hi, Dustin, thanks for the read! Glad you found the story pleasant. As for the writing issues, I'd be glad to have your suggestions if you find the time. (The script is actually an adaptation of a two-page monologue I've written in Greek, which posed certain difficulties.)
- Hi, Henry, thank you too! I appreciate your honest opinion. Yes, it's the kind of comedy where the unlikable protagonist gets "punished" in the end. Sorry it didn't work for you. However, the guy is not a dog abuser (someone e.g. who would kick a dog), he just can't stand dogs around him. So I wouldn't worry that much about the puppy.
A few things as I read - but bear in mind I didn't go through it with a fine-tooth comb:
'Lily is quitter than a mouse” 'quieter' should be: 'never slept so soundly' p.2 And the burglary wasn’t the worst part. (delete the 'and' imh.) And of the late Brigitte Bardot - What?! I know there were rumours - today in fact - but Brigitte isn't dead. Do you mean to describe her as: Brigitte in her younger days??
four leaches - ooh no, those ones suck! Should be: leashes as in dog-leads - amazing how one letter can completely change the meaning of a word.
'No way she wouldn’t empathize.' For a moment I read that as she wouldn't,I think you need a positive statement not a double negative in this instance. Something like: 'now I had her exactly where I wanted her' or similar.
'smiles him off.' - that's awkward. Palms him off with a smile or similar.
I found the story mildly amusing - some nice images as always.
The thing is ultimately (as Henry noted) Tom is not likeable and add to that - he also doesn't like dogs.
I'm inclined to think cut the bit at the top with his boss's dog although I did enjoy the lengths he went to to shut out the noise and what happened as a result.
Maybe expand upon that scenario or change it a little so that the dog actually saves Tom's life. Or cut it out altogether.
The main story is about Tom trying to win over a woman - Veronique, it seems - the dog becomes secondary whereas at the beginning of the script the subject of dogs is the primary focus. I think that needs addressing - what is the core story about? It reads as if perhaps you weren't sure yourself and chopped and changed.
If the story is about Tom's antipathy towards canines then I think a good narrative would be that Tom's mind is changed - perhaps his life is saved (by a dog). As a result he learns to genuinely love dogs - and perhaps this particular dog also leads him to the love of a woman.
Finally, I'd change the title to 'Puppy Love' - I don't think the current title reflects the breezy tone you're going for.
P.S. I forgot to say, (except for 'walks behind a long bush' which I think could be rephrased) this I loved:
“LOVE-AT-FIRST-SIGHT” SLOW MOTION: Veronique (20) walks behind a long bush. Silky dark hair, big alluring eyes, full kissable lips. Promisingly bulging chest.
Though the narrative reads a little disjointed to me at the moment it's well worth developing. The images and atmosphere you evoke with Tom and Veronique are really lovely.
However, the guy is not a dog abuser (someone e.g. who would kick a dog)...
Thanks for clarifying. I had that impression because Tom tied the dog to the bed leg and woke up many hours later to find it whimpering. Plus his boss made him pay for PTSD counseling for Lily.
Bad comments are like the gifts dogs leave for you when you're gone. Take all comments with a beer.
This one has its moments. There are writing issues which have been covered, but overall, it works. The opening explains why he doesn't like dogs. Then, he has to pretend to like them to get the girl. That works. He makes up a fake dog in order to get her, so how about he goes out and buys a bunch of dog gear for when she comes over. A little shrine to the late OLiver? Gives all his leftover food to Ver for her dogs? Guys will do anything for a pretty woman, so have him do it. Oh, perhaps he can even leave some pee marks on the carpet? hmmm to much?
The puppy at th end is poetic justice, and he has to treat it well in order to bed the girl. Fair enough. If you push this one toward the edge, I think it might be funnier. Good luck.
'Lily is quitter than a mouse� 'quieter' should be: 'never slept so soundly' p.2 And the burglary wasn�t the worst part. (delete the 'and' imh.) And of the late Brigitte Bardot - What?! I know there were rumours - today in fact - but Brigitte isn't dead. Do you mean to describe her as: Brigitte in her younger days??
four leaches - ooh no, those ones suck! Should be: leashes as in dog-leads - amazing how one letter can completely change the meaning of a word.
Thanks! Some of them are obvious oversights, but I'll take full responsibility for the "late Brigitte Bardot" part. I just meant "old Brigitte Bardod" (in reference to her animal welfare activism). She had many dogs though even as young woman, so her age is irrelevant.
'No way she wouldn�t empathize.' For a moment I read that as she wouldn't,I think you need a positive statement not a double negative in this instance. Something like: 'now I had her exactly where I wanted her' or similar.
'smiles him off.' - that's awkward. Palms him off with a smile or similar.
I'm inclined to think cut the bit at the top with his boss's dog although I did enjoy the lengths he went to to shut out the noise and what happened as a result.
Maybe expand upon that scenario or change it a little so that the dog actually saves Tom's life. Or cut it out altogether.
The main story is about Tom trying to win over a woman - Veronique, it seems - the dog becomes secondary whereas at the beginning of the script the subject of dogs is the primary focus. I think that needs addressing - what is the core story about? It reads as if perhaps you weren't sure yourself and chopped and changed.
Actually, the flashback with Lily is a later addition. I just thought Tom's hatred of dogs should be explained somehow. Perhaps the scene is too long though.
If the story is about Tom's antipathy towards canines then I think a good narrative would be that Tom's mind is changed - perhaps his life is saved (by a dog). As a result he learns to genuinely love dogs - and perhaps this particular dog also leads him to the love of a woman.
That's a reasonable suggestion, but it would take a much longer script, imo. A dog hater wouldn't turn into a dog lover overnight.
Finally, I'd change the title to 'Puppy Love' - I don't think the current title reflects the breezy tone you're going for.
The title is the beginning of this quote by Anatole France: "Until one has loved an animal, a part of one's soul remains unawakened." But since the reference isn't obvious, I guess I should re-consider.
P.S. I forgot to say, (except for 'walks behind a long bush' which I think could be rephrased) this I loved:
�LOVE-AT-FIRST-SIGHT� SLOW MOTION: Veronique (20) walks behind a long bush. Silky dark hair, big alluring eyes, full kissable lips. Promisingly bulging chest.
Though the narrative reads a little disjointed to me at the moment it's well worth developing. The images and atmosphere you evoke with Tom and Veronique are really lovely.
Thanks! I'm thinking of writing a similar script instead of rewriting this one. I already have some ideas.
Thanks for clarifying. I had that impression because Tom tied the dog to the bed leg and woke up many hours later to find it whimpering. Plus his boss made him pay for PTSD counseling for Lily.
Henry
No, Lily got PTSD because of the burglary. I just needed her to be immobilized during the incident, otherwise she probably would be hurt or killed. So Tom actually saved her life.
Bad comments are like the gifts dogs leave for you when you're gone. Take all comments with a beer.
This one has its moments. There are writing issues which have been covered, but overall, it works. The opening explains why he doesn't like dogs. Then, he has to pretend to like them to get the girl. That works. He makes up a fake dog in order to get her, so how about he goes out and buys a bunch of dog gear for when she comes over. A little shrine to the late OLiver? Gives all his leftover food to Ver for her dogs? Guys will do anything for a pretty woman, so have him do it. Oh, perhaps he can even leave some pee marks on the carpet? hmmm to much?
The puppy at th end is poetic justice, and he has to treat it well in order to bed the girl. Fair enough. If you push this one toward the edge, I think it might be funnier. Good luck.
Best Richard
Hi Richard, thanks for the read and the comment!
Glad you liked some aspects of the script. I agree it could have been funnier. Your suggestions make sense - I'm going to take some of them.
I had a thought related to the sleeping pills scene. I think it would add a comedic moment if he first tried to get the dog to eat them and when that wasn't successful - oh well, he downs them.
Thanks, David! Well, if he actually tried to give the dog a pill, that might be considered animal abuse. He could, however, think about it for a second, then regret it and take the pill himself. That would be funnier, yes.