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A Day To Remember (currently 5777 views) |
Warren |
Posted: August 4th, 2016, 2:08pm |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.35 |
Thanks for the read, Dustin.
No it's the wrong shear but I would never have picked that one. Thanks for pointing it out.
Appreciated as always.
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Reply: 15 - 53 |
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khamanna |
Posted: August 4th, 2016, 4:12pm |
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January Project Group
Posts4195 Posts Per Day 0.79 |
Hey, Warren,
That was a good quick read. Overall I liked it.
My only gripe, I wish there was a tiny bit more about her personal story. Paul and her - let it connect somehow with her being the vampire. Otherwise, for us to see Paul is not necessary I would think. But better have him and have a bit of their love story. Or some story to make us feel for her at the end.
So I want a little bit more. |
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Reply: 16 - 53 |
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Warren |
Posted: August 4th, 2016, 4:30pm |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.35 |
Thanks for the read and input, Khamanna.
I feel like Paul was really just a prop to show Eve as a human, but this has been mentioned before so I will definitely have another think about whether I should give him a bit more substance.
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Reply: 17 - 53 |
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stevemiles |
Posted: August 5th, 2016, 1:39pm |
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January Project Group
Posts745 Posts Per Day 0.16 |
Warren,
I like the idea but the set-up feels too vague for the payoff to make much impact. I know next to nothing about your characters -- who or what they are to each other.
As it would appear on screen the flashback would just be wedged in there with little connection to events other than a hint that Eve wasn’t a vampire when she met Paul. But Paul who? What’s he got to do with this?
Is it as simple as Eve’s injury causing her to forget she’s a vampire? Seems like an odd choice -- to start the idea after she’s been turned. She wasn’t a vampire, then she was, then she got hit by a car and forgot. Seems like the more dramatic route would be to play this from her ‘turning’ the first time. Maybe not a huge issue, but I wonder if the accident and amnesia complicate what could be a much simpler idea.
Think you could cut straight to the basement from the car door slamming -- there’s really nothing in the middle scene with Mika that we need to know. Content wise you’re also giving us two similar scenes back-to-back.
It’s a good idea; could do with more understanding as to your characters’ world to tie it all together. I feel like I should care about Eve (or perhaps the others for their loss?) otherwise it’s all falls a bit flat.
Hope this helps,
Steve |
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Warren |
Posted: August 5th, 2016, 2:57pm |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.35 |
Thanks for the read and insightful notes , Steve.
A few similar issues you have brought up to other readers. Will be having another look at this on the weekend.
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Revision History (1 edits) |
Warren - August 5th, 2016, 5:56pm | Spelling | | |
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Zack |
Posted: August 7th, 2016, 11:10pm |
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January Project Group
LocationErlanger, KY Posts4501 Posts Per Day 0.69 |
Hey Warren. Good concept. Your writing was good, but the pacing was off. I believe this would have more impact if you cut the entire opening scene and shorten the flashback. But maybe that's just me. The dialog was solid for the most part. And your descriptions were often tight, though there were a few odd lines here and there. I knew exactly how this was going to end the moment she freed herself from the bed in the basement. However you executed the ending sequence very well. It was very easy to imagine it on a screen. Kudos there. Not bad at all. I do think this would benefit from a quicker pace, though. 3/5 ~Zack~ |
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Warren |
Posted: August 8th, 2016, 6:27am |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.35 |
Thanks for the read and positive comments, Zack.
I think, but I'm really not sure, that the problem with this script is that people expect it to be something it's not. Maybe because I tried something too different for a vampire flick.
I wanted you to know how this was going to end, or atleast think it, but I was hoping that the reader would will it not to happen then be sad when it did.
It was more about the guys trying to protect their friend and in the end not being able to. The vampire angle was ment less as a twist and really more as a reason to keep her locked up.
I haven't been given a score on this site before but for my first one I'm happy with a 3/5.
Thanks again for taking the time. |
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Fausto |
Posted: August 20th, 2016, 2:26pm |
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New
LocationNew Jersey Posts193 Posts Per Day 0.06 |
Warren, a good horror story. I would introduce a slug after the "end of flashback" I've noticed that after that you have many changes of location. Remember that any location change (kitchen, room etc.) cost money. Hence, it should be indicated clearly in the slug. Maybe Eve should incinerate immediately soon after she opens the door. But, I admit it, I'm not an expert on vampires. Maybe they have a temporary resistance to day light. I would love to see its production. My best, Fausto |
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Warren |
Posted: August 20th, 2016, 5:50pm |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.35 |
Thanks for the read, Fausto.
This wasn't meant to be a horror. I was going for something a bit different with the vampire subgenre.
In most vampire movies/shows the rate of incineration differs, I don't think it's something to get hung up on. It is still quite quick though.
Appreciate the feedback. |
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OlgaTremaine |
Posted: August 20th, 2016, 11:44pm |
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LocationSouthern California Posts8 Posts Per Day 0.00 |
Good writing. My only note is the dialogue is a bit too long at times. Too much talking. But overall, decent story. |
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Warren |
Posted: August 21st, 2016, 12:55am |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.35 |
Thanks for the read, Olga.
That's a first for me, being told the dialogue is a bit long. I am such a lean writter as is, I'm not really sure what I'd be able to do away with without affecting the story.
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Warren |
Posted: June 30th, 2017, 5:00pm |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.35 |
Production on this starts next weekend.
Title change to An Acquired Taste and vampires to cannibals. Both approved by myself.
Actually not a fan of vampire films but this has so little focus on vampires that I thought it was okay.
In light of me recently watching Raw and loving it, I'm glad this has changed to cannibals.
Should be completed by late August. |
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Roy |
Posted: June 30th, 2017, 5:50pm |
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Posts12 Posts Per Day 0.00 |
Just read it, I really liked it. I'd be interested to see it with the changes. Congrats. |
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Warren |
Posted: June 30th, 2017, 7:41pm |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.35 |
Thanks for the read Roy, glad you liked it. |
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khamanna |
Posted: July 1st, 2017, 8:56am |
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January Project Group
Posts4195 Posts Per Day 0.79 |
Congrats Warren and good luck! Nice to see so many things happen to your scripts these days. |
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Reply: 29 - 53 |
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