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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Don't Exit Your Car Moderators: bert
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  Author    Don't Exit Your Car  (currently 776 views)
Don
Posted: September 11th, 2016, 11:50am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Don't Exit Your Car by Raza Rizvi - Short, Thriller - A group of friends drive along a dark highway after a menacing gas station attendant told them to not exit their car. 12 pages - pdf, format


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crookedowl
Posted: September 11th, 2016, 12:51pm Report to Moderator
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Your title and logline grabbed me. I think I just have a thing for creepy gas station attendants in horror films.

The payoff is interesting but I don't think it's really enough to justify the length. 70% of your script is just setting stuff up.

This feels like it wants to be a longer project, to me. I think some of the ideas here -- the gas station attendant telling them to stay in the car, the writing on the bathroom walls -- could be interesting if you expanded on them, maybe even gave a go at making it a horror feature. Get some good monsters.

This reminded me of the Evil Dead remake for its tone and foreshadowing, but that might be because I recently re-watched it. Could be why I was left wanting a bigger payoff.

If you keep it a short, though, I think it should definitely be shorter.

Good luck with it.

Will

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crookedowl  -  September 11th, 2016, 1:34pm
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RonH
Posted: September 11th, 2016, 5:09pm Report to Moderator
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Raza,
Although you're treading on some familiar ground, the writing was good enough for me to continue. Your use of suspense and pacing was serviceable, I just wish the story had taken me somewhere new.

Best
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Raza
Posted: September 11th, 2016, 5:23pm Report to Moderator
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Appreciate the feedback guys. It's hard to please everyone in the genre of horror but I do understand how you wouldn't like the direction of the story. The underlying message is that fear can sometimes be just as deadly as any monster.
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Warren
Posted: September 11th, 2016, 5:41pm Report to Moderator
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Not sure how I feel about this.

The build up was good but I felt let down by the ending. I think because even though you had this as a thriller it felt like a horror that deserved a good horror payoff, I was actually feeling a bit of a ‘The Hallows’ vibe going on. The ending was just okay.

Well written for the most part and a quick read.

I do feel that it is over written in parts.

I just wanted more.


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RichardR
Posted: September 12th, 2016, 10:45am Report to Moderator
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Some notes.

This didn't meet the horror expectations built up in the gas station.  The characters, despite having loads of camping gear and apparently well versed in camping, can't identify skunk odor?  Once you experience that it's not something you easily forget.  Same with the owl.  Experienced campers wouldn't panic at some familiar forest sounds.  So, I think you need to go back to the drawing board.  If you make them city folk who know nothing about the woods, then they can panic.  

The gas station is creepy, and that's good.  Give us a good pay off.

Best
Richard
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GabrielS
Posted: November 23rd, 2017, 2:55pm Report to Moderator
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I really enjoy the pace and the story in general. The gas station attender is kinda a cliche character, the same with the boyfriend. Maybe if the attender was trying to warning but they lost in translation (or the attender say something to the girl, which makes the boyfriends don't trust him anymore).
The scene when the two brothers fall in the cliff (not the pay of, the moment when they disappear) is kinda hurry to me. I believe in the characters dialogue and reaction to that moment, but it's a minor thing.

Good work!, one of the best script I've read so far in this page.
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