Zuma's Diamonds by John Stone - Short, Action, Adventure, Crime - Stolen diamonds and a coup d'etat raise concerns for the interior minister on the Cote d'Ivoire, unti Zuma gets even. 45 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

As I read this, I listened to the African Chill Experience from the YouTube link posted with “You Can Call Me Al”.

There is a lot going on in this story. It was almost like watching a chess match between the different characters. Also, the story progresses quite differently from “You Can Call Me Al” and it is far more complicated. I had to read this twice and not because it was hard to read. It’s that there was so much going on and so many things to miss.

I know you are going to work on this more. I would suggest adding more to the relationship between Alex and Monique. I got the impression that there’s more going on between them only based on what Zuma said and Alex’s reaction. I just didn’t feel it. Up until Zuma said that she had been spending every night at his hotel, I just thought it was a fling. I need more to pull me in emotionally and make me feel the romance and not just the lust. In addition, there could be a threat to her safety if Alex fails in his mission. Zuma wouldn’t be the first ruthless politician to sacrifice their offspring to make a point. That would turn a simple assassination into something that puts an audience at the edge of their seats.

There are a couple of oddities I think may be typos or mistakes:

On page 18, after the close-up of the safe, “He grabs the pouch…”, the rest of the sentence is worded oddly.

On the bottom of page 22, “ZUMA” is titled, “INTERIOR MINISTER”, unless another person entered the room for a couple of lines.

One last thing to point out, the dark humor of the General was not lost on me. I loved the line, “…we are not barbarians.” after what they put the poor captive digger through. Classic irony Darth Vader would be proud of.

Thank you for your comments D.A Banaszak.

You are quite right in what you have written. This screenplay is in development and this is an early draft of what will be a feature eventually.

I did upload a revised draft but still waiting for it to appear on the platform. It clears up the Zuma/Interrior Minister confusion during the scene with Alex, and a few dialogue changes as you mentioned in your comments.

There is a lot to consume with this narrative, and I have only given a taster menu thus far.

I will absolutely take on board what you have suggested and expand this script to its full potential.

Cheers.

Thank you Don.

Thanks Don.