I'm Not Chicken - OWC :: SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board

My name is Michael. Captain D.A. Banaszak the Space Captain was a high school and college nickname.  I often joked that if I ever became a writer, I would use that as my pen name. You can continue to call me D.A. if you want. Some people still call me D.A., Captain, Captain B. and Captain Beer. My sister used to call me Jerko the Clown in high school and still does on occasion. It’s my screen name for the office football pool. I only ask that people don’t put “Hey you” in front of it.

I want to thank everybody for their comments. I learned a lot. I noticed that a few of the comments had questions which I will gladly answer.

To Steven C: Yes, the freezer scene was the evidence that Dusty was supposed to find. I wanted something that the audience would see but would not be understood by Dusty. I was working on a “Candid Camera” type ending where the audience is in on the joke and waits for Dusty’s reaction when he finally understands his situation. Among the things I learned, I learned that if I ever want to write a sunken souffle for an ending, that’s how you do it. Looking back, it may have been better if there was a recipe in the freezer and the story ended with an argument and his leaving or getting professional help.

To Kathy: The Barbie reference is what I like to call a distraction. It’s similar to what a magician does: look at my right hand while I do something with my left.  It’s probably a bad habit and a waste of a quarter-page. I just like it when it can build the character. In this case, it adds depth to Boopsie and helps establish her as a liar among other things.

To Libby: Your comment about the freezer scene was right on the money. I can’t believe I totally mailed that in. It’s a comedy and I left  a good hanging curveball laugh over the plate. I could have easily added: smashed, mangled, bloated, with tire marks on the deer.

Was Boopsie laughing? To herself, she was. She obviously had no respect for Dusty and considered him to be a mindless boy toy. Her fetish for eating road kill, the disgustingness of it, is a turn-on for her. Meeting someone young and good looking who was almost road kill himself was intriguing. The idea of eating human road kill became a pinnacle for her fetish. She had to visit him in his hospital room while he was held for a few hours for observation. Any lawyer would say that is a no-no. Any medical ethicist would put an exclamation point on that. That said, her dreams come true when he asks her out. Then she finds out over drinks that not only did he deliberately risk becoming road kill, he has an obsession to keep trying. To her, this guy was a keeper and she immediately invites him over. Then, little-by-little she tries to inure him to her fetish. Who knows? Maybe with a little cooperation from him, he could arrange it so that she doesn’t lose her license or get arrested when he becomes “Dusty Parmesan.”

To Pia: I read your comment at work and embarrassed myself laughing all day. As far as I’m concerned, Dusty’s luck runs out and with her position at work, manages to steal the body. She gets a couple of good meals out of it before she gets caught. She makes the news, loses her license but avoids jail time. Could you imagine if she at that point landed her own show on the Food Network? The title would be: “What are we Gonna to Deep Fry Tonight?”

To Ghost: Thank you for the “–A”. You are very kind.

To Steven D: Thank you for the insight. In the future I will try to be less predictable. That would apply to more than just story telling. I am really bad at poker. BTW – I loved Bob’s Big Break more than my story.

To Michael:  The idea of staggering characters is something I have never thought of. I’m finding that comment to be rather profound. As far as making one of the characters likeable… I don’t know. As this comedy is concerned, I think these two characters deserve each other.

To Yuvraj: I’m not sure what violence I could add, but I will think about it. I’ll look to the links on your profile for examples.

To Roland: For me, who just wrote a comedy, yours was the best comment I could get. Writing comedy scripts is difficult. Most people, including myself, read scripts and think, “With the right director and actor, this could be funny.”  Sometimes I read something that cracks me up but it’s rare. Seriously, thank you.

To Anthony: Thank you for your comment. With your comment and the comments of others, I feel I did well in capturing the comically annoying banter of a freshly-started romance. Could you imaging being stuck sitting behind them on a long flight? Anyway, congratulations on your close second. I liked your use of graphics. I wish more people did that. I have seen that in only one other script so far and it worked really well for them as well.

To Abe: I think the freezer scene sunk my entry. It’s possible that if he had found a recipe with his name on it, then confronted Boopsie, my soufflé may not have sunk. Food for thought.  Anyway, I thought your joke was funny.

To Gum: What can I say? Dusty is eighteen and not too bright. He’s probably thinking, “Okay. From now on, we do take-out.” That said, your comment also had me laughing for a day.

To Marnie: Congratulations! It’s nice to know you were entertained. That’s a very nice compliment. I liked Victor’s Secret. I thought that was a rather clever title. While I didn’t quite identify with Victor and his panties obsession, I would have also taken the cat.

I wish I had the time to leave more comments for the other entries than I did. My evenings were short this week; not that that’s an excuse, but it is the reason.

This was a lot of fun and a huge learning experience. A big thanks to Don and Steve for providing the forum and the challenge. I know it's a labor of love, but it's still labor.