Hey Bret, how you been?

I was cleaning out my mailbox lastnight when I saw an e-mail from you that was opened but I had never read it.  I'm sorry, I didn't even know you had written back, yet.  I'll send you an e-mail back about it tonight.

Thanks for taking a read at this.  I wasn't too sure if it was needed or not to label it as a flashback since it was pretty evident, but since more and more people have been bringing it up, I'll go back and label it.

Quoted from E.D. You caught me napping with the pregnancy.  Your writing cadence lulls me into a narrative slumber and I'm in the moment

Hmm.  Is that a good thing that I caught you off guard, or is it a bad thing because I was putting you to sleep?  :-)

Quoted from E.D. I get the impression you were unsure how you wanted to end this story.

You're half right.  I knew that I wanted it to end with him saying that he only should've gotten the rape charge and him telling his kid how loving his mother was.  Which is what I did.  But I also wanted to let people know what happens to him down the road with the charges.  (Which, of course, I didn't do.)  I didn't show what happens to him later because, honestly, I don't know what the courts would rule on this one.

I imagine they'd drop the PV and the incest and only charge him with rape.  (But I'm not totally sure on that, either.)  I also didn't want to drag this out into a long courtroom drama.


I understand everything you're saying about Savannah Bean. (thanks, btw.  I really liked her name for some reason, too.  Her backstory is that her dad is two cousins removed from Mr.)  

Heretic brought up a lot of the same points as you did about focusing more on her.  The reason I didn't in the first place is that I wanted this to be one of my shorter and quicker stories, so I focused mainly on Eddie.  She is definately somebody I'll be doodling around with later, though.

Thanks again, Bret.  Glad you liked it.  The three stories in your sig are the only ones you have on SS, right?  Or do you have anymore floating around that I haven't read yet?

- Mark

Quoted from rc1107 Hey Bret, how you been? Hmm.  Is that a good thing that I caught you off guard, or is it a bad thing because I was putting you to sleep?  :-)

Hey Mark!

I'm chugging along and on schedule regarding that project I mentioned to you.
It's a rare treat to be able kick back and let someone's story wash over me. :P

Quoted from rc1107 I imagine they'd drop the PV and the incest and only charge him with rape.  (But I'm not totally sure on that, either.)  I also didn't want to drag this out into a long courtroom drama. I understand everything you're saying about Savannah Bean. (thanks, btw.  I really liked her name for some reason, too.  Her backstory is that her dad is two cousins removed from Mr.)   Heretic brought up a lot of the same points as you did about focusing more on her.  The reason I didn't in the first place is that I wanted this to be one of my shorter and quicker stories, so I focused mainly on Eddie.  She is definately somebody I'll be doodling around with later, though.

I didn't see the expansion as a courtroom drama.
However, I do see a lot of feature potential in this story.

Quoted from rc1107 Thanks again, Bret.  Glad you liked it.  The three stories in your sig are the only ones you have on SS, right?  Or do you have anymore floating around that I haven't read yet? - Mark

The first short I ever wrote was for the October 2010 OWC.
You can find it here if you're in the mood for a ghost story. :P

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-10OWC/m-1287528032/

Regards,
E.D.

Excellent twist at the end! I can certainly say I did not see it coming. Great job!

**SPOILERS**

I really sympathised with Edward up until the incest was revealed. Although his speech at the end seemed a bit to long. I would have preferred to exit sooner.

Also I was curious about his drug addiction at the beginning. I thought it would be great to have the reporter interrogate him as a low life drug user, but it would later reveal that the distain she has for him is really his incestuous crime.

A hard hitting story!  

Hey Loulou,

Welcome to the boards.  (I like your avatar, by the way)

Thank you for taking a look at this one.  I'm glad you liked it.  Trust me, it makes me feel good to hear things like that because I didn't want people to think that I was just trying to gross them out, I actually wanted them to take it seriously.

Quoted from Loulou Although his speech at the end seemed a bit to long. I would have preferred to exit sooner.

Yeah, that last scene did get a little bit monotonous I realize now.  Sorry about that.  I'll be taking steps to deliver the information in that scene a little better.

Quoted from Loulou I thought it would be great to have the reporter interrogate him as a low life drug user, but it would later reveal that the distain she has for him is really his incestuous crime.

Lol.  That'll actually be another step I take when I come back to this story again.  I think it'll work out a lot better that way.

Thank you very much for your thoughts on this one.  Once again, I'm glad you liked it.

Have you posted anything here on Simply Scripts that you'd like someone to check out?  If so, just let me know.  If you haven't posted anything, let me know when you do and I'll he happy to take a read.

- Mark

Yes, I'm a newbie, and keen to get my stuff read by this cool board of intellectuals!

I have a short film called 'Crossing Over' which I posted a few weeks back and got no feedback from. Haha! I'l have to work out if I can link my scripts to my profile thingy. Love any thoughts questions or qualms you have on it.

Post more of your work!

Thanks for the Avatar like too!

Hey Mark,

I read this one earlier in the week and it has kind of stayed with me, so I figured I'd throw in my two cents.

I have mixed emotions on this one.  On the one hand, when I read something like this, my immediate reaction is that the writer is trying to sensationalize.  I realize that writers are supposed to evoke emotion, but then there is the other side of the spectrum where is comes off as an obvious attmept to shock.  Some people go for that type of thing as writers and readers, but I don't particularly care for it.

I have to admit, that when you made the reveal, I kind of felt like it was an attempt at sensationalism.  But, like I said, I kept thinking about this one, and I thik I changed my mind.  And, the reason for that was the line (***SPOLIERS***) that you included about how this had been going on for sometime between the mother and the son.  Okay, one could argue that it's still an attempt to shock, but I think it added a layer of, dare I say, realism to the character's motivation.  Though obviously not common, there are instances where you read about this kind of stuff happening (maybe not to the extent that you've gone, but unfortunately it's not totally unheard of).  Anyway, that little line giving some insight into the character's motivation kind of changed my mind about this one.

That said, I think the son's protestations to the reporter went on a bit too long at the end.  I think you might be better served by just having him say something like, "I love her..." and then show a creepy grin break out across his face as the reporter looks on slackjawed through the partition.

Anyway, as I said, at first, I was a bit conflicted about this one, and it's still not pleasant material, but it def has stayed with me, so kudos for that.  Best of luck.

Craig

Hey Craig.

How have you been?  I'm glad you decided to share your opinion.  I can definately see where you were coming from when you thought this was just a gross out story done for shock.

While you're right, I was trying to make the story somewhat uncomfortable (it's an uncomfortable subject to talk about afterall), I'm glad that you saw that I did sit down and take it serious.  I wasn't just trying to get a sucker punch in there and then leave.  I did try and sympathize with him to tell his story, (though I never sided with him), I did try and give a reason why he was like that.

I try and do that with a lot of my stories, which is why a lot of them have to do with some disturbing subjects, or characters.  Really, thank you Craig, for telling me how you felt.

:-)  Yeah, I know I drag it out at the end.  I'm thinking of how to get the information in that scene across better in the story.  Sorry about that.

Thanks again, Craig, for taking a look.  I'm glad you decided to leave your opinion.  It's very much appreciated and it nice seeing you again.

- Mark

So all week I have been watching this build up comments very quickly, and I finally had a chance to sit down and give it a look this weekend.

Now I know why.  It is depraved haha.

But as I have told you before, I am very fond of the way you straddle that line between exploitative nonsense and actually having a story to tell.  In different hands this could easily have been a throwaway piece, but you manage to lift this sort of material out of the gutter while still managing to examine its dark underbelly.  It is a skill.

I have not had time to go over all the comments, they grew too fast, so I am coming at this without knowing what the masses already think, and hoping I am not too repetitive.

I like how the fine details ring true here, and find that I really only have one broad comment that I think you should address here.

That is the character of Savannah.  Her dialogue is mostly on-the-nose, serving only as a foil for Edward and merely reacting to what he says.

I suspect you have seen Slingblade, and are probably quite fond it.  This opening scene is quite reminiscent, and I 100% recommend you seek it out if you have not seen it (though that would surprise me).

What you might not know is that Slingblade was based off a short film -- which was pretty much just that opening interview -- and handled a bit differently than the film itself.  You should check that out, too.

Bringing this back to Savannah, that is why I am recommending you revisit these bits of cinema.  To make this piece really complete, this experience should transform Savannah a bit.  In Slingblade, once the young reporter has heard Karl's story, her worldview has been transformed.  She is a different person -- and that is a big part of the power found in those opening minutes.

I like this piece well enough as it is, but try to capture that kind of lightning in this piece and it will really be something special.

The fact that the mother and son had a sexual relationship before her coma actually makes this less disturbing. Well, not the story, but it makes him less creepy, because as he mentions, she probably would enjoy it. Anyway, this is bold, and for that I like it.

I like that the reporter is a rookie, and I think that is why he decides to tell her the full story. I don't think you need to go into Savannah's character anymore, but the one thing that stood out to me was in the end, she seemed like a different character. At first she's shy, naive, and nervous. In the end, she speaks rather bold to him. That didn't ring true to me.

Cleanly written. Fast read. I don't like the title because it gives too much away, but at the same time, the title did get me to read it...

Nice Job!

The ending didn't do anything for me.  I read it and thought, "Okay..."

I was not drawn into the story as much as I should have and, as a result, the ending had know impact.  A big part of this might be because the characters were extremely flat.  I didn't feel anything for them.  Perhaps if you made Edward more a desperate a character and grittier.

Hope this helps.


Phil

Hey Bert.

Thank you very much for your compliment about straddling that line.  When I first wrote this, I had definately gone balls to the wall and way overboard and it was much much more gratuitous.  (I planned on taking those parts out the whole time, though, even while I was writing them.)  I didn't mind writing those in at the time, because I knew when I scaled back the 'totally uncalled for' parts, there would still be a heavy feeling of discomfort because those horrible images would somehow still be lingering around in the scene.  (For example, when Eddie's wiping his mom's face with a rag, I never really exactly say 'what' he was wiping off.)

Lol.  I'm a huge Billy Bob Thornton fan, so you're very right, not only did I see 'Kaiser Blade', I loved it.  --Some folks call the movie Sling Blade but I like to call it Kaiser Blade.--

Wow.  It is reminiscent of the beginning, isn't it?  I never thought of that.  That was totally unintentional.  I knew that 'Sling Blade' was based on a play written by Billy Bob, but I never knew that it had actually been shot as a short film.  I just now went and checked youtube and, sure enough, they got the whole version there.  I know what I'm going to watch before bed tonight.  :-)

Actually, when I first wrote this, Eddie was by himself in his cell trying to write and sell his story to the newspapers to try and afford an attorney instead of an appointed one.  (I had a court appointed attorney once before.  ONCE.  I'll never make that mistake again, I don't care how much they cost.)

Well, that version was heavy voiceover and I wanted to stay away from that, (as you know a lot of my stories have more internal conflict than external),so I devised Savannah to help get his story across.  And you're right, I don't have her panned out as her own character.  She is just someone to do what I need her to do to get the story across.  I'll have to come back to that point and try to make her her own, see how she sees things instead of how I need her to see them.

There's been others who have stated that this would work better from Samantha's point of view and have her discover for herself everything in Eddie's closet.  I think this would definately give this story that extra mile it needs.

Thank you very much, Bert, for taking a read.  I'm glad you checked it out even though I told you not to on the '2911.21' thread because this one was a backwards step from my work maturing.  :-)  But, since you didn't retract that statement, I'm happy.

And wow, nobody's still mentioned anything about Eddie's and his mother's name, which I thought would've been a dead give away to how this one was going to end.  Maybe it was only required reading at my school, since I have talked to other people and they weren't familiar with the story at all.

Anyway, thanks again, bert.

Hey Brian.

Lol.  I was just thinking about 'Faking It' today.  You know you've written a good story when somebody reads your stuff and, after reading about twenty other stories since, yours is the one that sticks out.  For anybody who happens to be perusing this thread and sees this:  I highly recommend checking out 'Faking It'.

I think you might be the first person to say that Savannah doesn't really need any delving into.  I really wanted her inexperience as a reporter to show.  That's why, like you said, in the beginning she's shy and nervous, asks the wrong questions.  Then, at the end, instead of her sticking to the story and digging into Eddie's emotions and feelings and thoughts like an experienced reporter would, she chastises him and becomes rather accusatory.  She lets her emotions get involved.  I think her character needs a lot of work.

Thanks, Brian, for checking this one out.  I'm glad you liked it.


What's up, Phil?

Sorry this one didn't do anything for you and didn't draw you in.

I plan on giving this one some work in the future (the far future, though.  It's feature time in a couple of days!)  One of the things I'll be doing is working on Savannah's character, stop using her as a prop and give her her own personality.  I don't know if concentrating on that will help expand Eddie as a character too and resolve some of the story's other issues, but I do see that this needs some more work on it.

However, I am really glad that Jacquelin's character was extremely flat for you, since that's how she's laying!  (Yes, I know.  That was wrong and probably not even funny.  Don't be surprised if you happen to check back one day and notice that I 'Easy Edit'-ed that one out.)

Thanks for taking the time to read this one, Phil.  Your thoughts are very much appreciated.

- Mark

Just got done reading this, and while I see you're into the "bold header" movement, I'm still not all into it. But what I wanna know is what's up with the page numbers. You know

-2-
-3-
-4-

That sort of thing. I haven't read all the comments, so I don't know if it's been brought up yet.
Now, onto the story.

--SPOLIERAGE--

I'm going to ask this question in regards to the story. Here's the question:

What is Edward in jail for?

Once you answer that question, you'll understand why the script didn't work for me. *Not* because of the content, but rather, what is set up. The revelation that Edward had incest with his mother comes out of left field. The readers would not see it coming, that is true. THen it's suggested he's in for rape (wrong) and not the drug problem. It's also the problem.

Savannah would be somewhat familiar with the events that put Edward in prison. P/O violation over trying to cheat on a drug test might not be enough to take an interest in his case yo write a paper or article on. There has to be something sensational to warrant such attention. So her  disgust at the end is right but not her shock or surprise. She has notecards, one which has his mother's name. I'm sorry, making a point that she's not a professional isn't good enough. She would have to know something about her subject and why he is where he is.

You'll note that i said the idea that he's in for rape is incorrect. If it wasn't, Savannah would already know that. The information I'm given is also that his original sentence was around a drug charge, which you don't get into that much. It's suggested he still has his drug problem due to him wanting to cheat the test, although he says this:

Quoted Text I've been an addict for a little over five years now. About the same time as my mom's accident.

He's in his late 20s. So that means the accident happened in his early 20s. But take a good look at that. His original charge was not drug related; in his early 20s, he was out on parole. If the charge was drug related, it would have been a little more than five years....since he's out, taking "care" of his mother. His being back in jail is recent. Something about this doesn't quite add up for me. If he started his addiction at the same time of his mother's accident, then what happened that landed him in jail? It wasn't raping his mother, I'm sure of that. (Otherwise, they would not allow him to "take care" of her, correct?) Also, we have no way of hearing the mother's side of the story, so his views may in fact be delusional or related to drug influence.




The twists do not support the bookends. Some folks mentioned the flashback...I'm okay with it because what I would do is zap out that first part of the interview. Then keep the last end of it.

It's not a bad effort, but overall, it could be far better.

-DjS

Hey Darren.  Thanks for checking this one out.

Ha.  You're actually the first person EVER in ANY of my scripts to point out how I paginate my numbers.  (I went back and looked and noticed I've done that in all of them.)  Honestly, I never even realized I was doing the 'dash-number-dash' instead of the 'number-period', and I can't really tell you where I learned that from.  I know I came across it years and years and years ago when I was reading about formatting somewhere (prose formatting, not screenwriting format), and I guess I just got into that habit without ever realizing it.  Shit.  I got a lot of stories to go back and fix now.

Sorry I wasn't totally clear on some parts of the story.  I'll try and explain everything you brought up.

Quoted from Darren What is Edward in jail for?

At the time that Savannah is interviewing Edward, Edward (who hasn't been to trial yet) is being charged for his probation violation and rape.  The rape because it's illegal to have sex with someone who is unable to give consent, whether they're incompacitated or given the date rape drug.  Someone in a coma falls under that category.  (There would also be an incest charge tacked on on top of those, which I didn't mention in the story because I didn't want it to run on even further than it already did.  I should've, though.)

So, and I'm sorry this came off as confusing and I think I know why, so I'll get to it in a moment, so Savannah already knows from the beginning, right off the bat, before she even interviews Edward, that this about him molesting his comatose mother.  Hence, that's why in the beginning she says 'Your case is unprecedented.'  She already knows his story, she's just relaying it from him as to how he had gotten caught lovin' up his mom.

I never meant for it to come off as a shock for her.  I just wanted it to upset her and that's why she chastises him at the end, not because she's hearing it for the first time.

The part I think where that came off as confusing was when Savannah asked in the beginning 'Jacquelin is your mother?'  I didn't mean that to be a question.  That's only supposed to be a statement.  'Jacquelin is your mother'.  She's just reiterating the fact that Jacquelin is Eddie's mom.  I should have never had that question mark in there.  Having that question mark, it makes it look like Savannah is questioning Edward because she doesn't know the story.  Sorry for that.  She DOES in fact know that Edward has been having sex with his comatose mother.

All right.  Now on to the next confusing part:

Quoted from Darren The information I'm given is also that his original sentence was around a drug charge, which you don't get into that much    ....    He's in his late 20s. So that means the accident happened in his early 20s. But take a good look at that. His original charge was not drug related; in his early 20s, he was out on parole. If the charge was drug related, it would have been a little more than five years....since he's out, taking "care" of his mother. His being back in jail is recent. Something about this doesn't quite add up for me. If he started his addiction at the same time of his mother's accident, then what happened that landed him in jail? It wasn't raping his mother, I'm sure of that. (Otherwise, they would not allow him to "take care" of her, correct?) Also, we have no way of hearing the mother's side of the story, so his views may in fact be delusional or related to drug influence.

Yes.  His prior charge and the reason why he was on PROBATION, (he was never on parole) was in fact a drug charge.  But that didn't happen before his mother's accident, which it seems like that's what you took away from it.  (He had never even started doing drugs until after he started caring for his comatose mother and was getting them for free.)  (It's important to remember that he never had drug charges back then, that's only when his drug addiction began.)  He actually didn't get busted until four years and four months AFTER his mom's accident and his drug problem began, which is eight months PRIOR to his probation violation and drug charge and Savannah's interview.

You're right, I didn't get into his drug charge eight months earlier and I should have to make it crystal clear.  I didn't get into it because I didn't want the dialogue to get bulky and make things run on longer than they had to.  Basically, the back story was that he was pulled over (8 months prior to Savannah's interview) and was caught with a couple of the pills loose in his car, so he was arrested for that, but the judge gave him eighteen months probation instead of eighteen months of jail time.  (Which is what would have and has happened in real life.  6-18 months suspended jail time and 6-18 months of probation and treatment).

That's why, in the beginning, he told Savannah that he had been on probation for eight months before had had been busted with his probation violation.  And because he would've had to go back and do his original jail time, he had to confess that his mom was pregnant with his baby because he needed somebody to take care of her while he was doing his time and they had to be aware of her pregnancy.  That's when they tacked on the rape charges to the probation violation, and that's what brought around the newspaper's interest.

I'm sorry if I sound a little rushed and end this abruptly, but I have to get the kids up and ready for church.

Hopefully my explanations'll clear up a lot of the story problems, or plot holes, I guess you could call them.  If they don't, just let me know and I'll try to explain them better, which I should've done in the script in the first place.  I just didn't want to drag this out into a twenty or thirty pager and thought this could stand well enough as a ten-or-so pager.

Sorry the story came off so confusing again.  I'll make things more clear in a future draft.  I'll be seeing you around, Darren.  Thanks for your thoughts.

- Mark

Quoted from rc1107 Ha.  You're actually the first person EVER in ANY of my scripts to point out how I paginate my numbers.  (I went back and looked and noticed I've done that in all of them.)  Honestly, I never even realized I was doing the 'dash-number-dash' instead of the 'number-period', and I can't really tell you where I learned that from.

It's only a minor detail. I'm actually surprised, after reading the comments that even the strictest of folks here didn't seem to care/notice. Trust me, if I did that, they'd be on my butt.

Quoted from rc1107 At the time that Savannah is interviewing Edward, Edward (who hasn't been to trial yet) is being charged for his probation violation and rape.  The rape because it's illegal to have sex with someone who is unable to give consent, whether they're incompacitated or given the date rape drug.  Someone in a coma falls under that category.  (There would also be an incest charge tacked on on top of those, which I didn't mention in the story because I didn't want it to run on even further than it already did.  I should've, though.) So, and I'm sorry this came off as confusing and I think I know why, so I'll get to it in a moment, so Savannah already knows from the beginning, right off the bat, before she even interviews Edward, that this about him molesting his comatose mother.  Hence, that's why in the beginning she says 'Your case is unprecedented.'  She already knows his story, she's just relaying it from him as to how he had gotten caught lovin' up his mom. I never meant for it to come off as a shock for her.  I just wanted it to upset her and that's why she chastises him at the end, not because she's hearing it for the first time. The part I think where that came off as confusing was when Savannah asked in the beginning 'Jacquelin is your mother?'  I didn't mean that to be a question.  That's only supposed to be a statement.  'Jacquelin is your mother'.  She's just reiterating the fact that Jacquelin is Eddie's mom.  I should have never had that question mark in there.  Having that question mark, it makes it look like Savannah is questioning Edward because she doesn't know the story.  Sorry for that.  She DOES in fact know that Edward has been having sex with his comatose mother.

Yes, it was the question, as well as her being a "scab" (being in her early 20s, it gives me the impression she's really green to this; and it's said the interview could boost her career or something like that). Combine the two and the ending and it reads -at least for me- a bit odd. At the end it sounds like she's shocked at his (delusional?) confession. BTW, some folks didn't like his little speech, I didn't have a problem with it, just so you know. But while Savannah would be repulsed by the action, she decides not to write the story/interview Then I had  to ask, did she or did she not know? I went back to the start, saw the question mark, the remark about a newspaper strike, she's a scab. So this reads to me as if she was being set up for embarassment- but it didn't make a lick of sense for that because even if it was true, she would more than likely do other background research or know about the case.

Quoted Text SAVANNAH Ever. The paper came to campus last week after the strike started and needed help. They sent me to cover you. EDWARD Scab, huh? SAVANNAH Yeah. They said you could make or break me. They said your case is unprecedented. EDWARD It's not going to be an easy story to tell.

"They said" "The paper came to campus last week"
Edward's response also makes it appear that she knows little about the case.
She's only been the paper for about a week, and when the strike is over, she's screwed.
Look at the end...

Quoted Text Savannah closes her notebook, rubs a temple

Add that to the accusing finger - she already knows this information, supposedly- and she has lost this interview. So when we go back to the start, and see stuff like the above text, it makes it sound like she comes off wooden or, at best, uninformed. Since the shock value is important, I think of it as the latter - she is so green she's in over her head- but that doesn't make sense, so what we are left with is the other choice. That's why I'd much rather keep the last part of the interview and scale back some or all of the first bit.


This is also why, I think, some of the other folks had a problem with her character, and why she doesn't seem fleshed out. Yes, the ? I think makes a big difference. But it seems I fall in with most others here that the story is better without the interview/less of it.  

Quoted from rc1107 All right.  Now on to the next confusing part: Yes.  His prior charge and the reason why he was on PROBATION, (he was never on parole) was in fact a drug charge.  But that didn't happen before his mother's accident, which it seems like that's what you took away from it.  (He had never even started doing drugs until after he started caring for his comatose mother and was getting them for free.)  (It's important to remember that he never had drug charges back then, that's only when his drug addiction began.)  He actually didn't get busted until four years and four months AFTER his mom's accident and his drug problem began, which is eight months PRIOR to his probation violation and drug charge and Savannah's interview. You're right, I didn't get into his drug charge eight months earlier and I should have to make it crystal clear.  I didn't get into it because I didn't want the dialogue to get bulky and make things run on longer than they had to.  Basically, the back story was that he was pulled over (8 months prior to Savannah's interview) and was caught with a couple of the pills loose in his car, so he was arrested for that, but the judge gave him eighteen months probation instead of eighteen months of jail time.  (Which is what would have and has happened in real life.  6-18 months suspended jail time and 6-18 months of probation and treatment). That's why, in the beginning, he told Savannah that he had been on probation for eight months before had had been busted with his probation violation.  And because he would've had to go back and do his original jail time, he had to confess that his mom was pregnant with his baby because he needed somebody to take care of her while he was doing his time and they had to be aware of her pregnancy.  That's when they tacked on the rape charges to the probation violation, and that's what brought around the newspaper's interest. I'm sorry if I sound a little rushed and end this abruptly, but I have to get the kids up and ready for church. Hopefully my explanations'll clear up a lot of the story problems, or plot holes, I guess you could call them.  If they don't, just let me know and I'll try to explain them better, which I should've done in the script in the first place.  I just didn't want to drag this out into a twenty or thirty pager and thought this could stand well enough as a ten-or-so pager. Sorry the story came off so confusing again.  I'll make things more clear in a future draft.  I'll be seeing you around, Darren.  Thanks for your thoughts. - Mark

Yes. Thanks for clearing that up.

A few afterthoughts:

- Could Edward be a party to the accident? If his drug usage started around the same time, it might be plausible a DUI could lead to his probation.

- Could Savannah be a gifted, smart intern?

You don't have to make those changes. but it's just food for thought.


-DjS