Hey Anthony.

Thanks for taking a read.  Glad you liked it, and I'm sorry it made you nauseous.  (Although, I was going for that a little bit, so I'm sorry and I'm not sorry.  :-)  I did want a visceral reaction, but still wanted people to take it seriously and not think I was just going for something disgusting.

Quoted from ajr I think you should seek out local production companies where you live and send this out. Any good filmmaker will take this as a challenge.

This is in production right now with a company in New York with a director who I think is really good, so hopefully I'll be hearing something soon from them.

In fact, this story's been kind of a stepping stone for my other stories to get produced.  After this was in pre-production, several other directors and film companies contacted me about it, and when I told them it was taken already, they read my other stories and liked them just as much.  I have two others now in production thanks to 'Difficult'.

Quoted from ajr I'm not sure why the reporter needs to be from a school paper (I thought that was going to have relevancy).

I thought it was going to have a lot more relevancy, too, when I first started it.  But when I decided I wanted this to stay within the 10-15 minute range, I decided not to delve too deep into her character and just have her propel the story a little bit.  When I first had the idea for this, the writers at the Vindicator did go on strike, so I thought it was something a little fun just to keep in there anyway as a sign of the times.

Thank you again very much for taking a read and the compliments.  I saw a little while ago that you had taken Grand Avenue off the boards.  Do you have any other stories you've written on SS?

Resurfacing this because Mark asked me to. Mark is my master. That and he reviewed my script so now I'm reviewing his.

I don't think I need to reiterate that the direction the story turns is along a road better left less traveled. I wouldn't go as far as to say it made me nauseous but it was definitely unsettling. I'll provide the things I jotted down as I went along then get to the fuller story review after that.

• "A cheap notebook sits in front of her." (p1) I immediately thought of a notebook PC. Thank you technology, for being all that I am.
  
• "About the same time as my mom's accident." (p2) I would use "since my mom's accident." "As" seems to imply that a specific time period has been mentioned, like "I became an addict a little over five years ago. About the same time as my mom's accident." However since you mentioned more of a time frame (I've been one for five years) "since" is used to refer to the beginning of that time frame until the current time, whereas "as" is used to callback a specific mentioned time period. I have no idea if I'm making any sense right now. It probably isn't too serious, just something I would change were it my own script.
  
• "...and TASC Track Four, are all to report for urine screen today." (p4) The repeating of "report for urine screen today", while realistic, sounded kind of choppy to me. Maybe add "again" between "are" and "all", or even just before "are."
  
• "Edward gets--" Space between the hyphens. That seems to be your chosen format since there's separating the hyphen from the word in the next line: "-- and blasts the heat on." (p5)
  
• "probably used to be a corrections officer." (p5) This didn't end up being relevant to the story, and isn't particularly something that can be shown on screen. Also, I try not to use words like "probably" when describing characters because as the author, chances are you know for certain whether he used to be a corrections officer or not. If you're trying to describe his physique, you could do so with words like "husky", "hefty", say "in shape but stopped working out regularly years ago", take away the probably, or leave it as "former top corrections officer build."
  
• I was so confused regarding why he was putting a condom full of urine on the heat vent of his car at first. Of course it's clear after reading the rest of the story, but initially I thought it might be some kind of suicide attempt technique I'd never heard of, like when people like the exhaust fumes on of their car.
  
• "Finally, Tesla dots her last period..." (p7) I don't think the "finally" is necessary since it's stated right before that Edward is waiting. Seems redundant.
  

From me, that's actually a short list.

As for the reveal of Edward impregnating his mother, I'm sure you know it's weird. I'm okay with weird, but I prefer when it amounts to something. Here it didn't culminate into any kind of narrative or emotional payoff. There was the moot protest of the journalist concerning whether or not consent was involved, but that's it, and she seemed rather lax about the whole thing. A commenter mentioned above that it comes off shock for shock's sake, and I agree. It appears there simply to surprise the audience, but in the story itself serves no real purpose other than to give everyone something to talk about.

As a matter of fact, the entire script seems set up solely to disgust the audience with this twist. It's ambitious, yes. Nevertheless it would have felt more purposeful within Difficult itself if it was utilized to further develop Edward's delusion that this was all out of love (maybe highlight or parallel the effects of his mother engaging in sexual act with him when he was little to him "returning the favor" now) or perhaps have Savannah serve as more than an excuse for the audience to hear Edward's story vocalized. Hell, even try to get us to see things from Edward's perspective. I will admit though that such a task would be difficult, since most readers and watchers will find it hard to empathize with a man who had sex with his comatose mother. Sympathizing with him would be unseemly.

Some people mentioned they had problems interpreting the flashbacks as flashbacks. I did not. The transition in the screenplay seems natural. Edward's talking about how he had to take care of his unconscious mother thereafter the scene cuts to a room wherein Edward is taking care of his unconscious mother. Nothing confusing there. You could place FLASHBACK in the slug still strictly for format issues.

The writing itself was good. Clear visuals were drawn without needing to use too many words and I never once felt like I wanted to stop reading.

Congratulations on getting this produced if it still is. Good luck on getting anybody to watch it and still be able to talk to their mothers after.

Hey Tendai.

Thanks for letting me know your thoughts on this one.  I know it seems like it's been awhile since this one's been opened up, but I plan on revisiting it again one last time before filming begins... if it gets there.

It's been in pre-production since May of 2011, even got casting and principal photography done, but the director's gotten busy with some music videos and a feature, so it had to go on the backburner for awhile.

If shooting doesn't start in the next couple of months, there's another director who's excited about this one.  So hopefully, this will be seeing the light of day soon one way or another.


Lol.  I got a chuckle out of your cheap notebook PC comment.

Quoted from tendai "Edward gets--" Space between the hyphens. That seems to be your chosen format since there's separating the hyphen from the word in the next line

I was doing some experimenting with mini-slugs to see which way I liked to format them.  I've abandoned that way since and found a way I like to use better.

In fact, I pretty much use shorts in general to experiment with my writing in features, including themes.

Actually, I probably should have warned, too, that I formatted this before I even had any script software.  After I finish the rewrite, I'll be using actual script software and it'll probably trim a page or two off the page count when I use the proper margins.

Quoted from tendai Hell, even try to get us to see things from Edward's perspective.

That's what I attempted to do with this one.  I don't know if I wanted everybody to exactly empathize with Edward, but I wanted to get the message across that Edward doesn't think he's doing anything wrong.  It's natural to him.  That's why he doesn't understand why he'll be getting all this jail time.  He always thought it was natural since his mother always made love to him.

Looks like I have to find a way to bring that to light in the story more.


Yeah, I already labeled the flashback as flashback.  I think it was easy to follow, too, but I did stick it in there just in case.


I really appreciate your thoughts and notes on this one, Tendai.  I should be putting them to use in the next couple weeks.

Although, I kind of have a fire up my ass going back over this one now, so I just might get to it sooner if nothing else pops up.

Thanks again, Tendai.  Looking forward to talking to you again in a bit.

Hopefully yours'll be posted up, soon, and you get some more thoughts from others on your story.

- Mark

Hi Mark

I don't why everybody is getting so disgusted about, it's just your typical :

Boy loves mom
Mom's in a coma
Boy rapes mom
Mom is pregnant
Boy wants to have family with comatose mom and unborn child

We've seen it all before in other rom/coms

Harry meet Sally
Sleepless in Seattle

In fact... I think Meg Ryan should play the comatose mom and Tom Hanks/Billy Crystal the boy.

As it's already in production it might be too late...

Besides all that I enjoyed it and I wasn't actually surprised(maybe i'm sick) but I actually wrote the same type of scene( with using someone else's urine) and in the end result he was pregnant... it was comedy.

Your a great writer Mark 2, with great attention to detail.

Good job

Mark 1(see what I did there)

p.s. I also read it during the presidential debate... so that tells you something

Wow.  I don't have anything bad to say about this.  Caught me off guard a little, but nothing too bad.  I like the sick and twisted stuff!  Great job.

Hey Mark.

Thanks for checking this one out and letting me know what you think.  I'm glad you liked it.

It's actually in production with Disney and they had originally asked Hanks to do it, but at the time, he was still pissed because they didn't give him enough for Toy Story 3.  So now they're stuck with that little kid from 'Jerry McGuire' and 'Stuart Little', who's all grown up now.

:-)  Actually, it's in production with Monstar Films in New York.  I'm hoping they get around to it soon, though, and no more postponements.

Thank you very much for the compliments.  I'm glad I could give you something interesting to do during the debates.  :-)

-  (Shit, I don't know how to sign my name now.)  I guess I have to go with 'Mark 2', huh?

:-)  Have a good one.

Hey killerk.

It's funny you read this.  I have 'The Way Down' in my queue to read in the morning, as the logline intrigued me, so you'll be hearing from me tomorrow.

And I just noticed in your sig, it's from 2013.  Sweet!  I've never read a story from the future before.  There's no spoilers about the election in it, is there?  :-)

Anyhow, thanks for checking this one out.  Glad I was able to catch you off guard and I'm glad you liked it.

I saw you also read Dena's 'Fatal Casualties' tonight.  :-)  I promise there are regular people here on Simply Scripts, too!  We're not all disturbed and depressed and disgusting.

Thanks again.  I'll talk to you tomorrow.

Quoted from rc1107 Hey killerk. And I just noticed in your sig, it's from 2013.  Sweet!  I've never read a story from the future before.  There's no spoilers about the election in it, is there?  :-)

You made me laugh hard enough to spit coffee all over my desk after reading this!

The script is not from 2013 but the movie will be....

Quoted from killerk Caught me off guard a little, but nothing too bad.  I like the sick and twisted stuff!

Always go into one of Mark's scripts guarded and ready. Sick and twisted is his forte.

Haven't read this one, yet but I will be cracking this one open soon. You know I'm a fan

Dan

I liked it... after the initial WTMF??!!OMGOMGNOWAIZ, an emotion which became almost overwhelming at the "fluids" line.

It is seriously messed up, but it works so well with the narrative flourishes and slow reveal you have to just go with it. It feels like a proper horror story, like the old style mental terror movies - the mum's eyes "still moving about" made me want to throw up.

It's pretty impressive to keep people with you through to the end, but I'm definitely one of those people.

Sick.

Hey Maz.

Thanks for taking a gander.  I'm glad you liked it.

Quoted from marriot It feels like a proper horror story, like the old style mental terror movies

Thank you very much for the compliment.  I usually shoot down modern horrors because of how generic and repetive they are, but I LOVE LOVE LOVE old school horrors for the psychological edge they have to them.  (Though I've only been able to find a VERY few things, I'm a huge fan of the old French Grand Guignol plays.)

But I think the main secret to this one was writing it under the guise of a drama, so people go into it not expecting the disgusting premise underneath everything.

Thanks again, Maz

- Mark

Hey, Mark!

Never really read anything like it. A bit revolting, I must say but works fine.

It's very together and very engaging despite the fact that it left me speechless. It was kind of a relief to learn that they had sex before the accident.

I'd just get rid of the WOMAN on page 7, but it's producers call really.

SPOILERS
Not the time to say this as it goes into production but:
What if it's not his mother, but someone else? It's still be considered a rape by authorities. It won't be as revolting of course and I know it will take away a lot of edge. But it will still make sense and be very good. Because right now it's a very good short for me. It's just, well, crazy but you know that, I'm sure.

I'll read whatever comes out next - don't think I was of much help with this one. Don't think you need help with this one - it's pretty much done for me.

Hey Khamanna.

Thanks for the compliments and sorry it was a little revolting.  I really wanted to go with an unsuspecting twist with this one and thought that this was the best route to go.

Yeah, it's in production, (it was with another company for about a year or so, but now another company is going to give it a shot), but now because of Hurricane Sandy, filming'll be put off for a little longer, so I might give it another rewrite before that time comes.  (The same with '2911.21'.  That one's going to be filmed on Staten Island and I'm not sure if that one'll be put on the backburner now or not.)

Thanks for cracking it open and giving it a look, though.

- Mark