Hey Mark,

Perhaps I'm just a sick mother... (couldn't help myself from that very obvious joke) but the shock value wasn't there for me. He's been shagging his mum - big deal. We're inundated with that kind of shock material from a plethora of film, TV and books. So it creates a difficult situation for you to tell a story that isn't simply trying to make us feel repulsed/shocked and comfortable in our own normal sexuality. At the moment it reads (to me) as an affirmation of conservative sexual values, which is fair enough, but I don't think we need something as cut and dry to reaffirm what is obvious - keep it out of the family!!

The emotional juice (it's too easy) and real drama here lies in the perversion of love that Edward and his mother share and the extremes Edward is going to to continue his need for her. I didn't particularly like the approach you decided to go with to show that. I think you've gone for an angle that's designed to build this up as a surprise or a shock (I think the shock works better in starker terms), and because you use the reporter and arrest approach, I think you drain a lot of the true drama from the story. We don't truly see Edward conflicted and I think we need to see that. To me, this has to be a 3/4 scene story that perhaps involves a wife or girlfriend who discovers this secret and you can perhaps add flashbacks to a child Edward that involves a parallel where his mum takes advantage of him, as he is doing to her now. But that's just an idea. You've told the story you want to tell, so I don't know if any of that will be remotely helpful, but there you go!

Now onto another short to finally return my owed reads!

Lol.  Emotional juice.  Eww.  Yeah, I left this one pretty open for a lot of jokes to be made.  To be honest, I'm surprised I didn't see anybody bust out a couple 'Yo Mama' jokes, 1990's style.  :-)

Thanks for taking a look at this one, though.  Sorry you didn't care for it.

To be completely honest, though.  I wasn't going TOTALLY for the shock value.  (Well, I was going for an uncomfortable emotion, so maybe a little shock), but I still wanted people to take this one seriously.  The character popped into my head, so I kind've looked at the world the way he would, and I decided he was somebody who should be written about.  I think you're right, the story would be a lot more interesting, a lot more starker, if somebody close to him had discovered his secret.  There's more emotions there to play around with.  Plus, drawing those parallels, (his mother taking advantage of him when he was a child, and now him taking advantage of her when she can't move) would kind of bring things together a little more.

I definately got some thinking to do on this one.

Quoted from Andrew Now onto another short to finally return my owed reads!

Lol.  You didn't have to worry about it.  I'm not the kind of person who holds grudges.  And I like reading a lot, (so even though I try and pay back reads) I don't pay TOO close attention who gives me reads back or not.  (Though I noticed I do still etch it in the back of my head,  :-)  )  But things like that don't peeve me or anything.

hey Mark,

as a lover of all things taboo, i had to check this one out. i've skimmed over everyone's comments, but I apologize if I repeat what's already been said.

overall i really enjoyed this one. i didnt think i would given the opening scene, but im really glad i stuck with it. i actually dig your writing style more so than the story itself. the entire time i was reading it, i had a clear and concise picture of what was going on. it was vivid even though i wasnt reading too many descriptors (I easily imagined sam rockwell playing the role of edward). i also really enjoyed the tone of the script, especially when edward was living with his mother.

as for the twists? i loved the first one and liked the second one. i dont find mother/son relationships too revolting on their own, but mix in the fact that the mother's pregnant and edwards proud of it, and well, you've got a pretty fucked up premise. so kudos for that.

my biggest gripe was the ending. i feel like for some a powerful script, it kind of ended on a dull note.

regardless, nice work. definitely one of the better scripts ive had the pleasure of reading.

Hey albino, or penguin, or AP, or Will, or (I'm not sure which name you prefer)

But thanks for checking this one out, and I'm glad you enjoyed it.  (If you're really a lover of all things taboo, I definately recommend reading Matthew Chisholm's 'Speedball'.  It's on the unproduced page right now here at SS.  It's definately a trip.)

And thank you very much for the compliment on the writing style.  For a long time, and I still do occasionally, I can't lie, I always tended to overwrite and all my scripts were block-y and chunky.  The past few scripts I've been working on, I think I've found kind of a comfort zone with what to describe without going overboard with it, but still able to get a clear image across.  So thank you, that definately makes my day.

Quoted from albinopenguin (I easily imagined sam rockwell playing the role of edward)

Ooh.  That's a good idea.  I have a lot of characters, actually, that I think Rockwell would be able to tackle comfortably.  And Giovanni Ribisi, also.  They both have that gift to play a regular guy naturally, but still make something stand out and get your attention about them.

Yeah, it looks like I'll have to do something with that ending.  I didn't have the story continue because, legally, I don't know what would happen after that.  But there's got to be a better way to end it.

Thank you again, Will, or Albino, for taking a look-see.  Glad it caught your attention.

- Mark

Mark, my man, it’s difficult to get me to grimace when reading a script.  It’s harder to get me to shake my head back and forth.  And hardest of all to get me to do both and say, “Oh my fucking God” out loud.

You accomplished it, man.  Well done.

This is a sick, twisted script here, but you pulled it off remarkably well…shockingly well, actually.  You held your hand close throughout, and then threw down a Royal Flush, and cleaned house.

I don’t think I’ve ever come across such a powerful script before.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s disgusting, and hard to swallow, but powerful as all fuck.

The line about Edward feeling her spasming while he was inside her, and her dribbling, is some of the most appalling stuff I’ve ever read.

I’d say you’ve got a winner on your hands here, Mark.  I really mean that.  It’s just so fucking twistedly sick and disgusting, there’s no way anyone else could come up with this shit.

I took some notes which may help. I did not read any of the other feedback.

Good luck with this!

Page 3 – Are you doing another Flashback without labeling it?  Mark…c’mon, man!!!  Also, as I say all the time, you should really write your Slugs more completely…more detailed.  In simple shorts, it’s usually no big deal, but in features, it does come into play.  What I’m talking about is using “BEDROOM”, as opposed to “EDWARD’S HOUSE – JACQUELINE’S BEDROOM”.  When you do it this way, if nothing else, you now have the ability to use Mini Slugs when you travel between the different rooms.  But there are also many other reasons why you should write complete, detailed Slugs.

The description of the bedroom reads oddly.

“miscellaneously”  - definitely not necessary.

Page 4 – A lot of “sentences” without subjects being used.  You know I think they read very awkwardly when written like this.

If you’re staying in the same place, no need for another full Slug…just use a Mini of “LATER”.

Page 5 – “Takes one and walks in the bathroom with both the wrapped condom and urine bag.” – Awkward.  Again, this should/could be combined with the sentence above it with a comma, but when you write it this way, without a subject, it reads poorly to me.  Also, in this case, it feels redundant how you end it with, “with both the wrapped condom and urine bag.”, as we know he has them both in his hand already.

The transition from the EXT DRIVEWAY scene into HIS CAR is very awkward.  I really don’t think you should ever attempt a Mini Slug when you’re going from EXT to INT or vice versa.  There’s really no reason even be begin in the driveway, vs. already in the car.

“-- and blasts the heat on. He makes sure enough hot air comes out the defrost vent on his dashboard.” – This is also awkward, as well as some kind of odd aside (He makes sure…).  My point is tied to my comments above.  If he’s just getting in the car, he has to do a number of things before he can blast the heat, and depending on where this is taking place and what month it is, we also know that heat doesn’t just immediately start blasting out.

“probably used to be a corrections officer” – total unfilmable aside.

Page 7 – “Edward’s closest.” – Awkward, probably should be rewritten and added into the sentence in front of it.

Page 8 – “whoever” – “whoever’s”

Page 9 – “But I have to care of my mom. There's not anybody else.” – Missing “take” in the first sentence.  2nd sentence sounds very awkward, but I realize it’s dialogue and characters can speak anyway you want them to.

Quoted from dreamscale Mark, my man, it’s difficult to get me to grimace when reading a script.

Lol.  When I first read that, I was preparing for you to bash the story.  I thought you were grimacing at how poorly written it was.

Quoted from dreamscale I don’t think I’ve ever come across such a powerful script before.

And with that, I would like to announce to everybody here at SS my retirement from screenwriting.  I've finally achieved my goal and I don't think there's anything else I need to achieve.  :-)

P.S.:  That is just a joke.  I want to make that clear because I am going to ask Don either today or tomorrow to take the script down since it's already in production and I keep getting requests from film companies about it.

But seriously, Jeff.  Thank you very much for the compliments.  They're greatly appreciated, as is all your advice.

Quoted from Dreamscale Page 3 – Are you doing another Flashback without labeling it?  Mark…c’mon, man!!!

Lol.  Well as you know, I defended myself on not labeling the flashbacks in 'God's Empty Acre' because of the way that was structured.  In this story, I admit, it was a mistake.  At first, I did leave it out on purpose just to see how it read, but I did want to go back and put it in.  I just forgot about it, though.

Quoted from Dreamscale Also, as I say all the time, you should really write your Slugs more completely…more detailed.

Bah.  I know, I know.  I've barely ever paid any attention to slugs before.  But in my defense, all four stories (I think four stories) that you've read of mine were pretty much written in all the same span of time, and pretty much submitted one after another, so that's why all four have pretty much the same formatting errors throughout.  It's not that I'm not listening to everybody's advice, I just haven't had a chance to apply them, yet.

Except for the Fade In:.  You know my thoughts on beginning a story with a Fade In.  I do start 'Difficult' out with a Fade In, but that's because that's how I saw playing out it in my head.

Quoted from Dreamscale Page 4 – A lot of “sentences” without subjects being used.  You know I think they read very awkwardly when written like this.

Yeah, that's just me experimenting with language to make for a quicker read to help with pacing.

As for putting a whole new slug instead of just putting LATER, I just wasn't paying attention.  I wrote those scenes at two different times and never paid attention to putting them one after another.

As for all the things that you said read awkward, I agree with.  Even though the director already has this draft of the script, I'll still make the changes for myself in case something falls through, I'll have a cleaner version later.

Quoted from Dreamscale “probably used to be a corrections officer” – total unfilmable aside.

I totally agree that it is unfilmable, and I knew it while writing it, yet I did keep it in there because I think it's an accurate description of his character, as all C.O.'s incorporate the same traits into their personalities.

As for the whoever's line you brought up, I had said whosever.  Is that still wrong?

Ahh!  Good catch on the missing 'take' in that one line.  I'm pissed off at myself now that I missed it in editing.

Quoted from Dreamscale The line about Edward feeling her spasming while he was inside her, and her dribbling, is some of the most appalling stuff I’ve ever read.

Lol.  What the 'baby pussy' line was to you in 'Unforgettable', that's what that line is to me.  I love it!  I always try to throw something in a story to put somebody off their supper.


Anyhow, thank you again, Jeff, for all the guidance and compliments.  I'm glad I was able to get a strong reaction from a lot of people out of this one.

And I was wrong about something.  I figured you'd be the one to put the connection together about the characters' names and their influence from the story of Oedipus Rex.

Oedipus  -  Edward Consapus
EDDIE consaPUS

And Jacqueline was the closest modern equivalent to Jocasta (Oedipus' mother), that I could find.

And I kind of toyed with making the spotter's name Lawrence to coincide with Oedipus' father, (Laius, whom Oedipus had deceived, much like Edward deceives the spotter), but scrapped it for some reason.  Wish I would've kept it in there.

I know it was probably a stupid idea and I'm probably the only one who gets enjoyment out of it, but I thought it was fun.

Thanks again for reading, Jeff.  Much appreciated.

Wow. now this is what I am talking about- a script that isn't light and fluffy, and pushes limits. This was excellent!!

Oh, dude.    

That said, I think this is one of the top shorts I've read specifically on this board.

The writing is superb.  The topic is one that *hasn't* been done a million times already.  It's got a fresh idea, clean writing, and great detail.  (Speaking of the detail, Mark...somewhat worried that you know a bit too much about cheating drug tests and cooking up stuff...)

A part of me wanted the rapist to be someone other than Edward.  At first, the twist seemed to be too much.  But it's wearing well on me now.  If I were going to suggest anything for this script (and it's damned complete as-is), I'd say trim a tiny bit from Edward's last bits of explanation.  He does repeat himself a bit...

Congrats!  In a very terribly sick (but surprisingly not at all gratuitous) way....

Hey Justin and Janet.

Thank you guys very much for the read.  Glad you enjoyed it and thanks for the great compliments.

Quoted from wonkavite (Speaking of the detail, Mark...somewhat worried that you know a bit too much about cheating drug tests and cooking up stuff...)

Lol.  Luckily, the only issue I've ever had to tackle with addiction is alcohol and Reese's.  (The alcohol thing is over with now, save a couple adult beverages every couple of months.)  The Reese's thing, however...

Kind of a funny story about the cheating drug tests, though.  A friend of mine actually did this.  Twice.  (I actually gave him the clean urine.)  The first time, it worked great.  The second time however, when he pricked the hole in the condom, instead of a smooth steady stream, it burst on him and he said my urine dumped all over his hands and legs.  I would've loved to have been there to see that.  He didn't even get in too much trouble, either.

Unfortunately, for the cooking part, all that information's available online.  I think the site I found that information at was called HeroinHelpers or something like that. (and no, it's not an addiction hotline or anything.  It teaches you how to shoot heroin properly so there's less overdoses)  It's crazy and kind of a shame.

I do agree with you that Edward does kind of drag on a bit, at the end.  This is going into production with a good director and I'm kind of curious as to how he's going to approach the ending of this one.  It might be interesting to see.

Thank you again for taking a read, Janet, and I'm really glad everybody for the most part is liking this one and giving it a chance, considering the subject matter.

- Mark

Hey Mark

Ok gave this a read!

Actually like a few others here have mentioned I wasnt totally grossed out by the resolution.

What was kinda troubling is the guy wanted to keep this incestous relationship going so badly.

Either way this is a solid story IMO.

As you know Im a little to green to get into any grammer farts ect. But this one seemed fine as far as I could tell in that catagory.

I like the bold slug lines as well. Is that in your writting program?

You appear to be developing or developed your own "style" of writting if you know what I mean. Thats a good thing.

Keep up the good work!

Great read.

I said "Oh Snap!" when I found out she was pregnant. Then I sat there for a minute and remembered that she wasn't in a hospital and that HE was taking care of her and of course as I read on it revealed itself.

Gross indeed, specifically when he describes himself inside her.

Screwing your mother is one thing, screwing your comatose mother is another.

Sick and twisted, I loved it.


I can't make any new comments though, slow beginning, the reporter not reacting the way she should (unless she already knew the story).

I think the ending needs more. Right now you end on her shaking her head in disgust. Not a great ending. End with her leaving and him sitting there talking to himself saying how he wants to love his kid the way his mother loved him.....

Now that would be a sick and twisted ending, which fits with the rest of the vibe.

I haven't read all the comments in here, so sorry if I repeated.

Hey Harley.

I missed your comment when you posted it before and I've been pretty busy the past week or two, so I'm sorry I'm a little late in responding.

Thanks for taking a look at this and thanks again for the compliments.  I'm glad you liked it.

Quoted from hugh hoyland I like the bold slug lines as well. Is that in your writting program? You appear to be developing or developed your own "style" of writting if you know what I mean. Thats a good thing.

Glad you liked the bold slugs.  I like using them a lot, actually.  To me, it just gives the script a better sense of scene separation.

No, it's not in my writing program.  I don't even use a writing program.  I actually use an old school Microsoft Word Processor, then I convert it from there to whatever the modern Word program is, where I'll paginate it and structure it to however I feel most comfortable with it, then convert it over to a PDF.  It sounds like a lot of trouble, but I like it better than any of the actual writing programs I've tried so far.  I have more freedom to structure and format it however I want.

And yeah, I'm starting to become comfortable with this writing style I've been developing.  I still use full sentences and detailed descriptions when I do any prose writing, but for screenwriting, I've noticed you can scratch a lot of subject forms and 'he's and 'she's and 'and's and it actually gives your story a crisper reading, and gives the story some momentum.

Thanks again for taking a read, Harley.

Hey Usual Suspect.  (Sorry, I don't know your real name)

Thank you very much for taking a read.  I'm glad you loved it.

Quoted from The Usual Suspect I can't make any new comments though, slow beginning, the reporter not reacting the way she should (unless she already knew the story)

Yeah, she did already know the story before the interview.

Quoted from The Usual Suspect I think the ending needs more. Right now you end on her shaking her head in disgust. Not a great ending.

Yeah, I admit I was a little unsure of just how exactly to end it.  The story's actually in production right now, and I'm kind of wondering what note the director is going to end on.  Should be pretty interesting to see.

Thanks again for taking a read, U.S., and thanks for the comments.  I'm really happy to see a lot of people are liking this one.

I just saw 'A Picture is Worth' in your sig.  I'll be checking that one out pretty soon.

- Mark

Hey thanks man and no problem.

I don't post around here that much but I hope to change that soon.

My name is Matt by the way.

Hey Mark,

Let me be another to say WOW...

I'm a little nauseous right now, but I'm sure that's what you were going for so it's a good thing.

Great twists, ultimately creepy subject matter. I think you should seek out local production companies where you live and send this out. Any good filmmaker will take this as a challenge.

Two minor comments: I'd break up some of Edward's dialogue with action because he comes off a bit too matter-of-fact in places, and I'm not sure why the reporter needs to be from a school paper (I thought that was going to have relevancy).

Other than that, brilliant - nice work...

AJR