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Shuteye - May (currently 1779 views) |
Don |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 6:08pm |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16449 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
Shuteye by Michael J Kospiah (spesh2k) writing as Nubbins Sawyer - Short, Horror - A disturbance in the apartment above keeps downstairs neighbors from getting a good night's sleep. But sleep deprivation is the least of the worries as the disturbance works its way down, one apartment at a time. 4 pages - pdf format
Writer interested in feedback on this work |
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------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown) |
Don - June 18th, 2021, 7:08am | revised draft | | |
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Gum |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 8:13pm |
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Been Around
LocationSome travelling Circus... Posts832 Posts Per Day 0.41 |
Okay, yeah. This is pretty good. Would really be nasty if it was a high-rise apartment block and each night this… ‘thing’ just starts at a penthouse unit and works its way down. Gnarly twisted theme, best of luck. |
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mmmarnie |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 8:16pm |
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January Project Group
Posts1085 Posts Per Day 0.22 |
Tom's bed must be pretty high off the ground if he can reach the ceiling...since, due to his Napoleon complex, I assumed he's short.
I thought you were gonna end this with blood dripping on her face. Still...I like this idea and super creepy twist with something deadly making it's way downstairs!! Really love that twist!
Nice job writer! |
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Zack |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 8:16pm |
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January Project Group
LocationErlanger, KY Posts4504 Posts Per Day 0.69 |
What's up, Nubbins? Great work here. Love the implication that the murderer is simply moving from floor to floor. Impressive writing. This one will likely end up one of my favorites. |
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eldave1 |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 8:22pm |
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January Project Group
LocationSouthern California Posts6875 Posts Per Day 1.93 |
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Warren |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 11:29pm |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.35 |
Hi writer,
Decent little script you've got here. Well written and an easy read.
Not much else to add.
All the best. |
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Matthew Taylor |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 5:11am |
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January Project Group
LocationShakespeare's county Posts1770 Posts Per Day 0.87 |
I like it - someone/something working its way down an apartment block.
What didn't fit for me was he knocked on the door at the end, better to have had one of them leave to go knock on the door upstairs to keep the loop going - could just be me though
All the best |
| Feature
42.2
Two steps to writing a good screenplay: 1) Write a bad one 2) Fix it |
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Yuvraj |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 9:34am |
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Been Around
LocationWhy you wanna know? Posts795 Posts Per Day 0.50 |
Amazing twist here! Liked the idea of a literal 'terror descending'. Great work! |
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Revision History (1 edits) |
Yuvraj - May 12th, 2021, 10:40am | | |
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JEStaats |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 10:39am |
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Old Timer No sh*t, there I was....
LocationTucson, AZ Posts1736 Posts Per Day 0.61 |
Oh, yeah. This was great. Low budget and could be filmed all in the same room. So much in two pages - great work writer. |
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bert |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 11:47am |
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AdministratorBuy the ticket, take the ride
LocationThat's me in the corner Posts4233 Posts Per Day 0.61 |
Good one, no comments. Hits all the beats and sticks the landing.
Not my favorite that I've read, but at the same time, I cannot think of anything this script is missing.
Should be at least a contender this round. |
| Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb! |
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Cacutshaw |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 11:56am |
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January Project Group
Posts177 Posts Per Day 0.07 |
Good job. I like the simplicity of this one, yet the horror is very effective. And the idea of a killer going to each neighbor who complains works really well. And a noisy neighbor is something most people have had to deal with, so it's very relatable. Good work! |
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Geezis |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 2:05pm |
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January Project Group There's always a single malt waiting for you.
LocationGlasgow, Scotland Posts411 Posts Per Day 0.26 |
Nicely written, not sure of there is a twist in there, but I liked the premise a lot. Well done. |
| If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone. |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 4:54pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4324 Posts Per Day 1.13 |
He can reach the ceiling from his bed?
And she keeps a broom in her bedroom?
Tidy these up and it'll work even better. |
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ghost and_ghostie gal |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 5:36pm |
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Old Timer
LocationA helluva long way from LA Posts1566 Posts Per Day 0.29 |
Yep, your logline reeled me in... To quote Larry David, "pretty good, prettay, prettay, pretty good." there's really nothing wrong with this one. Best of Irish luck! |
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Rob |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 7:50pm |
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Posts218 Posts Per Day 0.11 |
I like the chain of events concept. The complainer becomes the victim.
The knock at the door, however, breaks the pattern that has been established. The first guy went upstairs and knocked at the door where the noise is happening. Then he is attacked in his own apartment. The final couple, however, gets a knock at their door. Does the killer knock on your door or sneak inside your room?
Am I reading this wrong? So be it. A little lukewarm on this one. |
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irish eyes |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 7:59pm |
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January Project Group There`s too much blood in my alcohol
LocationUpstate New York Posts1865 Posts Per Day 0.36 |
I liked this one.
Although i was taken back by the knock on the door at the end... now we have a polite creature lol.
A few small issues to clean up but a great entry |
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Spqr |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 8:43pm |
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Posts483 Posts Per Day 0.09 |
A rather extreme way of dealing with neighbors who don't like the noise you make, but this a good cautionary tale, nonetheless. Unfortunately, it's rather unrealistic, since gunplay would more than likely be involved, at least here in the USA. |
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Gary in Houston |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 8:44pm |
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January Project Group
LocationTexas Posts1307 Posts Per Day 0.31 |
I’ll give you credit for something different here. Not sure the two stories really tie together – in one, Tom is grabbed from under the bed, in the other, there’s a knocking at Nancy’s door. In both cases, it feels like the story doesn’t necessarily have an ending, but I suppose we’re to make up our own ending. I guess that’s fine, just kind of wanted to know where you were going with it. Still, good effort here. |
| Some of my scripts:
Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner The Gambler (short) - OWC winner Skip (short) - filmed Country Road 12 (short) - filmed The Family Man (short) - filmed The Journeyers (feature) - optioned
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ReneC |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 9:57pm |
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Old Timer
LocationVancouver, BC Posts1435 Posts Per Day 0.31 |
Really good writing on display here, and effective. It took me a moment to realize the killer must have entered his apartment when he went upstairs, but the old lady didn't leave. Seems he didn't put up as much of a fight as his upstairs neighbor. And the knock made me understand it wasn't supernatural either, which was my first thought.
So, yeah, it hints at possibly more interesting directions before it comes crashing back to mundane reality. But as far as murdering floor after floor of people simply because they're more concerned about disturbances than concerned about the welfare of others goes, this one's quite good. |
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MarkRenshaw |
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 7:32am |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts2335 Posts Per Day 0.58 |
Simple and effective, ticks all the boxes and written well. My only gripe is the killer changes tact and instead of luring the next victim out of the apartment so he/she/it can sneak in they just bang on the door. If that had happened to the first guy, it wouldn't have been as interesting so just something to bear in mind there. |
| For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK |
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PKCardinal |
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 5:33pm |
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January Project Group
LocationKansas Posts1448 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
Just to tag onto what everyone has said... fix the inconsistency in the ending (the knock on the door) and this is sure to get made.
Good job. |
| PaulKWrites.com
60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature
Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror |
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stevemiles |
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 6:35pm |
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January Project Group
Posts745 Posts Per Day 0.16 |
Nice hook in the logline - now I want to know what’s going on up there.
Tightly written with a satisfying payoff. The most effective and well-rounded I’ve read so far. Maybe if it ended on the final couple preparing to go up to Tom’s apartment - as in the cycle repeating rather than the knock at the door? Otherwise solid work. |
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Claudio |
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 8:25pm |
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January Project Group
LocationLos Angeles Posts102 Posts Per Day 0.06 |
I wish there was more!
The building spookiness was fun, but it may need another couple pages to breathe.
Nice work~ |
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SAC |
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 8:33pm |
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Of The Ancients … but some dreams do
LocationUpstate NY Posts3208 Posts Per Day 0.78 |
Writer,
Good writing, good build up. So-so reveal. Not bad, but not among the best. Good Try!
Steve |
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Bort |
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 9:22pm |
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January Project Group
LocationToronto, Canada Posts40 Posts Per Day 0.03 |
This started off strong for me and then it kind of fizzled out. I wanted more! Give me the other 5-8 pages of this short.
Writer, I hope you expand on this story and continue it as a full story.
A solid entry. |
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spesh2k |
Posted: May 14th, 2021, 1:03pm |
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January Project Group
LocationHarlem USA Posts1186 Posts Per Day 0.20 |
Thanks for reading, everyone. Like everyone else, I threw this together rather quickly and shabbily. But I'm glad people seem to like it. I understand the "symmetry" everyone wanted in the story, with the killer doing the same thing to the lady as she did to the guy, but wouldn't that be expected? I thought of ending it with a blood drop hitting her head, but I dunno, just felt predictable. And the killer, at least in my mind, wasn't patterning the SAME EXACT mode of killing his victims from floor to floor. To me, it was just a killer reacting to potential witnesses. But I did put an extra half hour -- which is a lot for me because I'm lazy -- into the 4-page version. https://drive.google.com/file/d/1qFRdcfdlVbmNW0X1VXSecwwjh4cdbJbA/view?usp=sharing |
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Andrew |
Posted: May 16th, 2021, 6:30pm |
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Old Timer
Posts1791 Posts Per Day 0.32 |
This is a good one.
Well written and nicely paced. You got a lot into the two pages, and the quality in scripts has largely correlated with the economy used twinned with a clear story and structure, as you would expect.
This is 100% one of the best entries. |
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LC |
Posted: May 16th, 2021, 7:01pm |
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Administrator
LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7644 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
Ooh, I didn't comment on this one.
Suffice to say, terrific job here, Michael. I would have rather liked the blood dripping on Nancy's head.
Great as is. Looking forward to reading the 4 page version. |
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spesh2k |
Posted: June 21st, 2021, 8:32pm |
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January Project Group
LocationHarlem USA Posts1186 Posts Per Day 0.20 |
Okay, new version of the script is up (and moved to horror short section from the May challenge - also moved newer version of Bastard Saint to short horror section). |
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ChrisV |
Posted: June 21st, 2021, 11:05pm |
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New
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Nice! I see a lot of potential with this |
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spesh2k |
Posted: June 25th, 2021, 3:51am |
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January Project Group
LocationHarlem USA Posts1186 Posts Per Day 0.20 |
Nice! I see a lot of potential with this |
Thanks, CJ! Love what you did with "Bee-El" BTW! -- Michael |
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spesh2k |
Posted: October 6th, 2021, 4:03pm |
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January Project Group
LocationHarlem USA Posts1186 Posts Per Day 0.20 |
Sold! And purchased by a NYC-based filmmaker, so it'll be cool to finally be on set for one of my films (that I hadn't produced). Thanks to Libby for the review of the script, that's how it was found..
-- Michael |
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Zack |
Posted: October 6th, 2021, 4:15pm |
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January Project Group
LocationErlanger, KY Posts4504 Posts Per Day 0.69 |
That's awesome, Dude! Congratulations on yet another sale. |
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LC |
Posted: October 6th, 2021, 5:52pm |
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Administrator
LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7644 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
Brilliant news, Michael! And you get to be there? Very exciting. So looking forward to seeing this! |
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Yuvraj |
Posted: October 6th, 2021, 11:48pm |
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Been Around
LocationWhy you wanna know? Posts795 Posts Per Day 0.50 |
Another great news from you, Michael. Congrats!! That goes to show how awesome reviewer Libby is. |
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Matthew Taylor |
Posted: October 7th, 2021, 4:41am |
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January Project Group
LocationShakespeare's county Posts1770 Posts Per Day 0.87 |
Congrats, Michael.
Don't forget to keep us updated on it's progress |
| Feature
42.2
Two steps to writing a good screenplay: 1) Write a bad one 2) Fix it |
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Warren |
Posted: October 7th, 2021, 4:24pm |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.35 |
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