Waiting for Karma :: SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board

Overall, this is a nice story. I liked the characters although there really isn’t an antagonist except perhaps Nazi Germany. The story combined mystery and education in a way that reminded me of the Disney classic, “Thomasina”.

There are some issues to be addressed in both format and style.
Your margins are wrong. They should be 1.5” left and 1” right. This may not seem important but it will drive away readers like nothing else.

You don’t need the title in a header on every page. You do need page numbers (which you do) but they don’t count the title page and don’t show up on your first page. They start on the second page with page two.

You have too many long slug lines. They should be INT. or EXT. (or INT./EXT. in some cases), a short description of location (no more than a few words) followed by  - DAY or  - NIGHT with a few exceptions. Any location description after that should be in the action text that follows. For example, your opening should read:

EXT. CABIN – DAY

I’m not sure where to add the 1992 so I won’t address that. I will note that it is necessary in this script. It is not necessary to mention it again, like it is in the next slug line.

The slug line would be followed by a description of the cabin and its location and a description of the time of day and a description of the weather to add mood. After you set the location and the mood, you would introduce the character and what they are doing to set your story in motion. Done right, you will grab your reader by the lapels and force them to continue reading.

Keep in mind that you don’t want to overdo the scene description. You want enough so set the stage and move on. Write like the reader has to use the restroom.

While you make good use of flashbacks, they are formatted wrong.  You need to start with: BEGIN FLASHBACK (which you do) but you need to end with: END FLASHBACK. In between you treat it like any other scene with a slug line, action lines and dialog if necessary. You should not write it in all caps like a long slug line.  For instance, on page 28 you have a flashback followed by dialog. Without telling me where the flashback ended, I wasn’t sure if the following dialog was overlaid over the flashback. That would have been a good effect if it were. After a couple of passes, I concluded that what was missing was the END FLASHBACK and not the (VO) that would accompany the dialog if it were taking place while the audience watched the flashback.

Bronwyn’s letter which spans the page break between page 91 & 92, needs a “(MORE)” at the bottom of P91 and “BRONWYN (continued)” at the top of page 92. This is necessary if a character’s dialog spans a page break.

Scene transitions like CUT TO shouldn’t be in a spec script which is essentially what this is. Camera angles should also be avoided. Let the Director direct and the Editor do the transitions. I know a lot of professional scriptwriters do this but in most cases, they already have the script sold or they are also making the film themselves.

Never use the words, “We see…” You should describe what we see but without saying, “We see.”

I think you use too many ellipses (…) in that you use them in places where a simple period would suffice.

I am guessing that you used MS WORD to write this. I tried that.  Use a script writing software package. There are free packages available. They will make formatting and editing easier.

When Bronwyn's father is introduced, You mention that he is her only family. We already know that from previous dialog. It may seem like a minor issue but it was in my notes. Redundancy is an issue in scripts because page real estate is at a premium. While dialog can have some repetition as a way of establishing a character, action lines need to be efficient in their wording.

I hope you re-write this. I don’t think this is a “Throw-away-and-move-on” kind of project.