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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Thriller Scripts  ›  The Fatal Move Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Fatal Move  (currently 518 views)
Don
Posted: July 4th, 2023, 3:07pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Fatal Move by Igor Kantor - Thriller, Drama, Sport - A young chess player gets a chance to become a world chess champion, but suddenly her crazy fan comes into her life. 124 pages - pdf format

New writer interested in feedback on this work, please be nice


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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  July 6th, 2023, 3:28pm
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Iggy
Posted: July 5th, 2023, 7:24am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for posting my humble work! Would love to know your reviews! Hope you'll enjoy it!
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LC
Posted: July 5th, 2023, 7:52am Report to Moderator
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First thing you might think about Iggy is editing your logline so it reads more actively and presents tense:

A young chess player Madison Burke got a chance to become a world chess champion. But her crazy fan gets in her way.

Suggest something like:

When a young chess prodigy gets the opportunity to compete on the world stage (or qualifies to compete in the world championships) a fanatic stalker threatens not only her burgeoning career, but her life.

I don't know if your story goes that far plot wise (fatal in the title implies it does) but you need to at least change 'got a chance' (past tense) to gets a chance (the here and now/present).

You probably shouldn't use the character name in your logline either. That's generally not done.



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LC  -  July 5th, 2023, 8:10am
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Iggy
Posted: July 5th, 2023, 10:02am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LC
First thing you might think about Iggy is editing your logline so it reads more actively and presents tense:

A young chess player Madison Burke got a chance to become a world chess champion. But her crazy fan gets in her way.

Suggest something like:

When a young chess prodigy gets the opportunity to compete on the world stage (or qualifies to compete in the world championships) a fanatic stalker threatens not only her burgeoning career, but her life.

I don't know if your story goes that far plot wise (fatal in the title implies it does) but you need to at least change 'got a chance' (past tense) to gets a chance (the here and now/present).

You probably shouldn't use the character name in your logline either. That's generally not done.


Oh ok! Thanks!
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LC
Posted: July 5th, 2023, 5:31pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Iggy

Oh ok! Thanks!

A bit of elaboration -
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-screenwrite/m-1326263291/s-0/

Overall if we don't know the specific character e.g. they're not a famous name, leave it out.

If you want anything changed in that logline just let me know and I can edit it for you.



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Rehemarose K. Singo
Posted: November 3rd, 2023, 12:26pm Report to Moderator
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I was honestly blown away by the whole storyline. I wish producers finally see your potential Iggy. This is top notch warner bros. It shows in your work how keen you were and took time to really understand the chess world. Congrats Iggy!
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Iggy
Posted: November 3rd, 2023, 12:41pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you for your kind words and thanks for reading! It really means a lot to me!
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Mbako
Posted: January 15th, 2024, 3:48pm Report to Moderator
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I was thrilled throughout by this story and the perfect atmosphere of the world of chess it slaves under. Maddy is well written that at the end I actually believed she was based off a real person... that shows you're really a master storyteller.
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