Room 2304

Short notes: the scene headings, sudden changes of locations without a clear guidance, odd transitions, changes of time in scene, make this hard to read and especially hard to precisely visualize. Break up your action blocks into clear images, one at a time. There's some fantasy and enthusiasm but that isn't enough for me yet.

story (0-5): 2

character (0-5): 2

presentation (0-5): 1

total: 5

A lot of cramming in of info to get the story told in 5 pages.

And I didn't really feel for the characters and I wasn't invested in the story.

You need, imh, to set up the relationship between your main character and the red-head so that the shock of the reveal can be felt.
Perhaps you're telling too big a story for the page limit.

Hey, Vicky. Not sure if you're actually on the boards but that was a fun match. I was going to do something like yours with a masked heist. That or lots of Die Hard knock-off ideas was all I could think of when I saw action skyscraper. Come join the boards, we don't bite!