The Apparition by 0 - Short, Sci Fi, Ghost - Twin brothers encounter something on a night they will never forget. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

2 pages? Very short.

This isn't so much a story as it's a scene. I would have liked to see some more exposition of the boys backstory and this moonbase they live on. Something as simple as having a picture of dad on a desk, or starting with a flashback of the boys with their father or their dad's demise would help.

Hard to rate as there isn't much here.

Interesting premise, but the pay-off doesn't work simply because it's way too short. The dad being the apparition falls flat because there's nothing foreshadowing his appearance or even the slightest implication that he is dead (or that he even exists, for that matter). Now that I think about it, if the writer's not thinking about expanding this one, the whole thing would probably work better without the "Dad?" line. As in, just let it be a slightly creepy, slightly friendly ghost and that's that.

I also have little idea who the two boys are or why the dome is 1950s-inspired.

None of those things are real problems in and of themselves, but neither the characters nor the narrative are developed enough. The ambition is definitely there and I really like the idea of an apparition from the past on the moon, but this one just didn't do anything for me. Could definitely have benefited from those additional 3 pages.

Minor thing: some scene headers could be tighter, i.e. AT THE DOME WALL could simply be DOME WALL.  The script has very few locations (two, I think) so there's no need to lengthen the headers.

For the most part the writing is solid - crisp and clean.

Think there could have been a little more meat on the bone here (e.g., exploration of relationship with Dad as an example).

A quickie, but it lacks story and the writing isn't descriptive enough to pull me in.

Writing: 2
Story: 1

1.5

Some backstory with the dad might help set this up better. But I'm just not sure there's much of a story here. At least, not for a two-pager.

Interesting premise. I could see a short developing from this, but, this feels rushed.

Plenty of page space available to fill in the story, so, I'm assuming you just didn't have the time over the weekend to work on this much.

When/if you do develop this further, fill in with material that connects the two boys to their dad. If you can add the emotional element to the creepy elements that exist, you might have a strong short.

This is really too short for the story you are trying to tell. We need some idea how this all ties together.

No real point to this.

The writing isn’t bad but I’m definitely not a fan of the bold and underlined slugs.

This could have really gone somewhere with the set-up but it fell flat for me. The scene headings need work for sure and get rid of the underline. I think it could've gone someplace if you took some time (and more pages) to make me want to care about the boys and the loss of their father.

I feel like this is from something bigger. Either way, everyone's said what I was thinking. You had five pages to work with and this is it.

I agree with everyone else.

The crazy thing is, this wins IMO b/c the other one made 2 errors:

1.  No ghost.
2.  Went over the page limit.

So, this gets my vote.

Expand this idea.  What is the father trying to do?  Why and how does he come back?  Why are they on the moon??

Dan

Bold underlined slugfest. Whatever.
Only two pages, eh? You couldn't cranked out page 3?  

A domed community? A dome I can't see?
(" transparent " )

Hmmm...

Quoted from DanC I agree with everyone else. The crazy thing is, this wins IMO b/c the other one made 2 errors: 1.  No ghost. 2.  Went over the page limit. So, this gets my vote. Expand this idea.  What is the father trying to do?  Why and how does he come back?  Why are they on the moon?? Dan

I still gave this one my reluctant vote, but the other entry did NOT go over the page limit, so please don't let that be your deciding factor. The writer made a mistake and titled his first page as page 2. At first I also thought they'd gone over the limit.

I agree that this needed more backstory, perhaps a monument inside the dome to those who lost their lives building it.

What little is here is written well, even if some question your slugline fashion choices.

One nit: a night on the Moon is 354 hours long. If this story gets expanded, you could even address this in dialogue and flesh out the brothers' relationship a tad ("Fine, every twenty-four hours you nitpicky dork.").

Not much to add really. Was waiting to get drawn in, and bam, it's over.

I haven't read the other entry yet but if as said here it went over the page limit, then you writer are very fortunate. Kind of like bidding $1 on The Price is Right.

Quoted from ajr Not much to add really. Was waiting to get drawn in, and bam, it's over. I haven't read the other entry yet but if as said here it went over the page limit, then you writer are very fortunate. Kind of like bidding $1 on The Price is Right.

IT DIDN'T GO OVER THE PAGE LIMIT!

All this careful reading... no wonder most of the scripts are written so 'solidly'!

So there were 2 dads outside? LOL!  Sorry I couldn't resist that.  Yeah not sure what the writer's plans were here. He had it all building up nicely then finito!

Quite liked this, but way too short to build up momentum properly so the payoff fell flat.

Personally not a fan of underline headings, but hey ho.

Short & sweet.  Not much to go on.  Meets the objective I guess.

Not bad, or badly written, just too light on for my liking and a bit underwhelming.

The Apparition

Short notes: There's a massive effort to make regarding the location, this crazy moon colony, which, imo, only has to be filled with life and entertainment value. It seems you ran out of time or needed to rush with this script. The overall idea of a father reappearing to the moon colony, say via time travel or other physics, might be something, but as is, there are no deep enough features that make a story on these pages.

story (0-5): 1

character (0-5): 2

presentation (0-5): 2

total: 5

I wrote his one.

Quoted from Steven I wrote his one.

No apology?

Quoted from DustinBowcot No apology?

For what? I met the parameters and delivered a piece that was technically precise within the page limit. I know it was short and not fleshed out as much as it could have been, but it is what it is. Nothing here was “bad.”

It was a joke. But I see I touched a nerve.

Quoted from DustinBowcot It was a joke. But I see I touched a nerve.

It’s just annoying being harped on page count, when the rules said a MAX of 5 pages. Why not just make the page count be 5 pages, no more no less, if that’s what everyone expected? If you can tell the story in 2 pages, do it.

My story was thin, yes, but at least it wasn’t confusing, and did hit the genre and location.

The general consensus seems to be that the story isn't fleshed out enough. It's a fact that page count does attribute to that, but it's not the actual issue in of itself.

Quoted from DustinBowcot The general consensus seems to be that the story isn't fleshed out enough. It's a fact that page count does attribute to that, but it's not the actual issue in of itself.

I guess I see it finished in my head, but whatever.

Kids see something weird, go investigate, turns out to be a ghost. That ghost happens to be their father. How did he get there and what happened to him? Doesn’t matter, it was meant to let the audience come up with their own conclusion. Personally, I see it as he worked on the moon, the neighborhood being where the worker’s families lived. So he died somehow outside of the dome, came back to visit.

Quoted from Steven Doesn't matter, it was meant to let the audience come up with their own conclusion.

The 'it's your father' thing is weak. Even weaker when nobody knows how it ended up like this. You had 3 extra pages to work with.

Why should the viewer have to make up that much story? They can't be bothered with that. They're not going to excuse you and make up shit for themselves, they're just going to be unhappy with the final product. If you're going to use precious time to write something you might as well put effort into it. I'm hoping to sell mine. Up to you how you use your time... but don't you make money from writing?

Quoted from DustinBowcot Why should the viewer have to make up that much story? They can't be bothered with that. They're not going to excuse you and make up shit for themselves, they're just going to be unhappy with the final product.

I completely agree. Asking someone to decided whether at the end Inception they are still in the dream or not is a hell of a lot different to asking someone to make up their own entire back story. Literally no one is going to do that.