Your celebration is an anniversary. The number you have drawn is 1. This is your body count (1 person must die). Non-genre specific. 8 pages max.

The DeSoto Buzzer by 0 - Short, Drama - The anniversary of a national bass-tournament victory is cause for celebration, but one species doesn't see it that way -- so to speak.

Wedding Anniversary by 0 - Short, Drama - A woman visits her husband in prison for their anniversary.

THE DESOTO BUZZER

This was a drama? Read more like comedy. Anyway, just got way too confusing with pontoon boats and hot tubs, if I'm reading correctly. Way too many characters for me to keep track of, which seems pointless because you needed only one death. How many Hibdons are there in this family anyway?

PRISON ANNIVERSARY

A warden hands out cupcakes, then shanks a prisoner? Then, after the script should have ended, Gary and Desire are eating a sandwich and he kinda forces her to eat it? Now, she's having second thoughts here about what happened. Sorry, I'm just a bit lost with what's going on here. There must have been a better way to tie all this up.

Prison Anniversary

This was decent, kept me reading. Strong dialogue, particularly from Bobbie, he had a real understated sinisterness to him. I wondered if what we learn about his actions are completely true though or just Desire's version of events. Because that's all we get really. Is there something more calculating going on? Gary was a fucking marine for carrying out what he did. I wondered about his motivation too, does he have feelings for Desire? Why would he take on such a perilous task unless the money was substantial...but Desire doesn't seem like a wealthy person.

His pushiness toward Desire to denounce Bobbie hinted at some greater investment on his part than just a hired gun. I detected a controlling individual, a manipulator. She is probably forever indebted to him now in his eyes. You have to fear for Desire if she goes from Bobby into Gary's arms. Is it a frying pan/fire type scenario? Gary is evidently prepared to kill so who knows what he's capable of. Just speculating here, I could be way off. This could just be a righteous revenge tale and nothing more.

Either way, meeting like this in a public place isn't wise after what's gone down.

The last line could be clipped I reckon, too direct. Could it be something more conflicted as Desire is clearly torn by what she's done? Yes Bobbie sounds like an abusive pig better out of her life but she clearly still has some feelings for him. The cookie was an effective totem to represent her moving on. Perhaps the line could reflect that...the moving on I mean, not the cookie

Anyway, good job

Col.

The DeSoto Buzzer

Writer may have accidentally selected Drama genre when submitting but this definitely reads more like a comedy. I know nothing about bass fishing but I managed to keep track of everything.

But the end seemed to come out of nowhere and felt hurried and why is Denny dead, if we're supposed to believe that the fish got him then it seems very unlikely as a 10lb fish isn't actually that big.  

Wedding/Prison Anniversary

Which is it title wise?

You call Gary the warden, but I think you meant warder - big difference...

Cupcakes, then he stabs him in a secret hiding place... in a prison - seems unlikely, and unless the prison has no other inmates surely they'd be people around?

The ending seemed a little forced, felt a little like the Killer Joe homage?

Quoted from AnthonyCawood Wedding/Prison Anniversary Which is it title wise? You call Gary the warden, but I think you meant warder - big difference...

The writer asked for it to be changed.

Also, the warden is the person who runs a prison.

Two stories and IMO, neither was a clear winner.  

SPOILERS

So, in the first one, she died??  It wasn't clearly stated, unless I missed it.  I found it (the fishing story) confusing.

Story 2 took a long time to get going.  And the ending seemed insane.  

This is gonna be hard, but, I think I'm going with 2.

Dan

Regarding both scripts: They skirted the edges of the parameters a bit by placing the event (anniversary party) at really non-anniversary venues.  To the point really where the anniversary itself felt forced – could have been any event (e.g., two astronauts going into space celebrate their anniversary – the space-ship blows up). Moving on:

Desotto Buzzer

Technically – solid writing.

A real nit issue – but I would have liked to know where the Ancarrow River was located (country/state-wise) from the start.  It’s an obscure river – either let us know where it is or use something like backwoods country river.

Character descriptions -  in general-  could have used a little more pop – mostly focuses on clothes they were wearing. Accurate – yes, but a little unimaginative.

Dialogue was fine.

Am a bit lost as to how the poor bastard who gets it in the end is selected story wise – could have been any of them and it wouldn’t made a difference.  i.e., the reason for his death is…? Also found the eye thing a distraction. Really no need for it – the challenge between the fisherman and the bass is enough – have the fish in the water – tangled somehow – arrogant victim diving in to get him loses the battle. i.e., it’s man vs. fish – good enough – no loose eyeball needed.

Lot of other things to like – all in all a pretty good effort for the time allowed.

Prison Anniversary

In addition to opening comment re: parameters of the challenge – this one really stretches them.  The actual anniversary celebration is such a small part of the story .
Technically  - format wise et al – fine/solid.

I found some of the dialogue too OTN – all characters are sharing details for our sake – i.e., they’re exchanging information that they both would already know.

The premise – although could have been executed better – is a good one.

De Soto - I'm a fly fisherman and I wanted to like this. So confusing. Unnecessary detail and so many characters. Anniversary was certainly just a mention. Not really funny or dramatic.

Prison - Another story where I just don't care about anyone. I thought there might be some big reveal with a foot-long and the cup cake stand but then it just ended weak. Blah.

Writers are really making this challenging for the voters.

The DeSoto Buzzer had a logline that implied the fish were getting their revenge. Presumably Denny knows how to swim, so something "fishy" happened. Unfortunately, it's not explained.

I could have done without the eyeball thing. Could have been some valuable doodad that floats which lured him into the water where the fish could get him.

In Wedding Anniversary, the celebration could have been made pivotal to the plot (getting Bob to trust Gary). As currently written, the anniversary is tangential to the actual story because Desire used trial prep as her pretense to get Bob and Gary together.

The exact location of the shanking seems odd, but it had to be able to take place somewhere shankings are a fairly regular occurrence.

Gary does seem to think he has a future with Desire. She'll eventually need to have some PTSD'd Green Beret off Gary, then a professional hitman to off the Green Beret, then Tom with his DeSoto Buzzer to off the hitman...

The DeSoto Buzzer - amazing choice of subject. I was engrossed by the characters and detail about fly fishing to the extent that i forgot someone was going to die lol! Anyway it was an interesting little script

Prison Anniversary - this was the first one i read and was immediately struck at how the extra page limit diluted the effect of the story. After the death, it meandered on with exposition and OTN dialogue. But overall it was planned pretty well just needed a better execution.

Buzzer: Can't quite decide what to make of this one. So many of the characters were completely unnecessary. And, I found the manner of the death to be confusing. Troubling, since this is the main story point. However, I was curious through the read, wondering where you were going. That's a good thing.

Prison Anniv: Am I the only one thrown by the odd weight given to the size of their sandwiches? I kept wondering how the food was relevant... waiting for it to have some significant meaning. But, I didn't see any. Felt like the anniversary aspect was forced (even to the point that the writer discounts it. "Not even our real anniversary.")

Anyway, this is a tough choice, as both scripts had their highlights, and both had their problems.

The DeSoto Buzzer


A script about fishing, my most hated of all past times. Hopefully it can hold my attention.

So much fishing talk, not loving it.

Well that took a turn for the worsts, maybe too much so that the eye scene will feel really out of place. You went from a boring fishing story to Hostel in one sentence.

So Denny dies, but why? Makes little, to no sense. Was he a bad swimmer? Why didn’t he just come back up for air?

I didn’t enjoy that at all.

The writing is quite good and the dialogue is well handled, clearly one of the better writers, but the story wasn’t for me.

Wedding Anniversary

The title can definitely use a touch up.

Quoted Text Nigerian accent.

I could never pick a Nigerian accent.

Quoted Text half-foot long

Six inch? Is the size important?

The anniversary is really light on. I didn’t enjoy this either but you will get my vote.

Writing isn’t bad, but the dialogue could use some work.