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The DeSoto Buzzer I liked it quite a bit. Nice characterizations and I really liked the atmosphere you created. I've seen "The River Runs Through It" - themed around fly-fishing. It's an artful sport and I loved the movie. They are villagers though in that one, yours is set in the modern world. And the people here are well off. You constructed the setting so well it felt like watching the movie. I chuckled to myself quite a few times - these people are full of themselves. And I could appreciate the irony of the unexpected.
Anniversary I couldn't connect here, sorry, writer. Desiree (double "ee"). Some interesting choices here like Gary is Nigerian.
Wedding Anniversary -- Nice work on this one. The writer turned a complex inmate-wife dynamic into a smooth, interesting read that wasn't at all predictable.
DeSoto Buzzer -- I like the situation here: four bass-fishing people and one fly-fisherman with his high-falutin' gear. And Uncle Denny, picking on the fly-guy boyfriend, getting drunk, grabbing the fly rod and messing up a fun time. I guess he drowned while trying to make things right? Tangled up in the line under the ship?
Hm, these felt a bit rushed but there's things to like about both. Guess I'm going with DeSoto as it was a bit different in terms of subject matter. Haven't seen many drunken fly fishing deaths.
Another script that completely breaks the parameters. Only half the script is set at the celebration which is marked by the barest of elements (cupcakes). The death does not occur at the celebration. This is a much better story than the other script, however it wasn't written as well. Dialogue is a bit OTN and expository. Not a great flow here.
THE DESOTO BUZZER
Written competently. Anniversary? I guess, if you define it as the day on which a prior event occurred. This writer obviously wrote what they know. Lots of inside jargon that I did not find interesting, which we have to get through before we see the eyeball come out.
You spend 3 pages to establish the characters and the vague situation. Now you need a firework to justify that decision.
Well, I liked the details about a subject I don't know. The tone completely shifted then. It wasn't a coherent piece for me.
The Wedding Anniversary
This was good. A bit over-executed, you could get rid of some stuff and handle it shorter. However, there were some emotions and dramatic beats at play and an overall well-working structure.
The former was interesting in case of getting some fresh aspects from a topic that I don't know; the latter had the story under control and kept the focus. I choose Wedding
Wedding Anniversary: To start with I think you mean 'toothpick not 'chopstick' otherwise he's got something awfully big between his teeth.
Her name is Desire? Probably Desirée?
They share only a 'glance' and the war is over. They'd have to share some kind of silent communication or meaningful look, not just a glance, surely?
He smirks, she knows he’s talking about. She presses her lips tight, turns away to leave.
'...she knows he's talking about...' You frequently leave out connecting words - 'what' he's talking about.
'You should eat something now that it’s all in the past. '
Suggestion: 'You should eat something. (The nightmare is over. Or: He can't hurt you anymore.)
Should be: Ma'am
'You say what I told you to. ' Suggestion: C'mon, repeat after me Or: Repeat what I said.
Bite at it. Come on. Suggestion: Come on. Take a bite. Or: Go on. Take a bite.
You need a wrylie inserted (signaling waitress) towards the end. Okay, I'll stop the suggestions now.
Ooh, I thought with him pushing the Sub on her he was going to poison her. But no, just one body count required.
This one's got some probs but I like the vibe and the characters were nicely defined. I really liked Desirée and the whole cup-cake/sub thing. It gets my vote over -
The De Soto Buzzer
This one started well, piqued my interest, got a little hum-drum and I started scanning, then turned gory fast with the eyeball pop.
Very well written. I didn't read carefully as overwriting usually leaps out at me instantly, but none did. I just feel the story is a little weak. Nothing ties up. It needs something else.
Writing: 4.5 (perhaps some words used to help with the tone)
I'm assuming you don't mean the inmates, but this isn't strictly true as there are benches. There would also be a CCTV camera somewhere, possibly covered by a thick perspex screen to prevent it being damaged.
This isn't as well written as the other one.
Code
Desire stands, straightens her dress and follows Gary into
the meeting room, where a few men in orange prison jumpsuits
talk to their parties.
This wasn't clear to me on first read. Here we call them visiting rooms. It also isn't descriptive enough. I can't see this room as you do.
The writing is a real drag in this. It lacks flow. Low score for the writing, so I'm going to concentrate on story.
Code
He smirks, she knows he’s talking about.
Completely lost me.
Code
Gary places the knife back into his sub. He pushes Bob’s body
further away from the view, looks around before he walks out
from behind the booth.
Yeah, that may be a blind spot, but what about all the spots covered by CCTV on the way in and out of the spot. Wouldn't take much to put two and two together.
Anniversary - WT
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Anniversary - WT
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