Your celebration is a birthday party. The number you have drawn is 2. This is your body count (2 people must die). Non-genre specific. 8 pages max.

From Old Friends and New by 0 - Short, Drama - On the birthday of his daughter, a murderer of two must face his past.

Parties by Leo by xYz - Short, Comedy - The worlds most famous artist and inventor has one last job to do.

From Old Friends and New

Quoted Text Three POLICE OFFICERS in uniform, male, ~30-40 are running after someone on an empty road. The CHASED MAN, ~30, in a ripped polo shirt and jeans, has a suitcase he's running with. The officers are approaching him.

Lots of passive writing. "run after", "runs with a suitcase", "approach him". This will read a lot better if you change those 3 things. Also what's the deal with this "~" before the age?

Quoted Text our officers

This is a very, very odd way to write a script.

The dialogue needs work, it's quite unnatural.

Quoted Text This is officer Jenkins. Officers Scott and Irons

If these are the 3 officer's names, why not call them that from the start as opposed to officer1/2/3?

Quoted Text SUPER: "5 YEARS LATER." INT. CAR - DAY - MOVING Jenkins, now in civilian clothing and a bit older-looking, is driving around a suburban neighborhood.

The super is in the wrong scene. Where it sits at the moment it will look like the first scene is five years later. It needs to be after INT, CAR - DAY once you've set the scene.

PERSON ON PHONE needs to be a (V.O)

So, so much passive writing.

Saying an age of 30-40 really doesn't cut it, chose an age, 31 is a hell of a lot different to 39. Set the picture for us.

Quoted Text He looks at the man carefully. It's the Chased Man!

Way too coincidental.

I almost never do this but at page 4 I'm out. This really isn't working for me on any level.

Really interested to see who wrote this so I can know what script got them through round one. This seems to be of a completely different standard.

Sorry.

"Really interested to see who wrote this so I can know what script got them through round one. This seems to be of a completely different standard."

Woah, aren't you a tough reader, Warren.
(not saying I wrote this)

Parties by Leo


(O.C.) is more of a sitcom thing. Use (O.S.) not a massive issue, everyone will know what you mean. Other than that the writing is solid.

It's clever and has some mildly funny bits. It's a bit of a talking heads script for the first few pages but then descends in to the chaos that is the party.

Not bad, but not great either. Still a lot better than your competitor and will no doubt be enough to get you to the next round.

Quoted from khamanna "Really interested to see who wrote this so I can know what script got them through round one. This seems to be of a completely different standard." Woah, aren't you a tough reader, Warren. (not saying I wrote this)

Have you read it? Feel free to disagree. It's just my opinion. I also supplied justifications for most of my criticism.

I thought the first round scripts were of a very high standard for the most part.

FROM OLD FRIEND AND NEW
Cool title.
Kind of abrupt start to a story. Police chasing a guy. But you didn�t describe it enough. The guy should pant or do something else. Just describe it a bit.

A lot of passive writing - verbs with ing endings from the get-go. And lots of exclamation marks on the first page for my liking.

P2 �Just drive like you drive everywhere else� � I don�t �know what that means.
P2 � They smile a lot at each other. Just cut on a couple of smiles.

P3 �they exchange a beat�  - don�t like the phrase.

P4 is very rushed. Lots of typos, you�ll see them. But that�s ok.

I don�t get if Jenkins knows the girl and her mother or what.

P4 � A 5-year old wouldn�t understand the word �innocent�, I think and she laughs at it.  

P5 The Chased man killed two people and now ready to be handcuffed � doesn�t ring true.

I didn�t get it. Jenkins drives away? So he�s not going to arrest the man like ever? That doesn�t sound right.

And, the Chased Man should have a name, I think. Some description. And why did the chase him in the first place?

I guess I have too many questions for you. Sorry.


PARTIES BY LEO
I was thinking it's Leonardo DiCaprio before opening it.
Funny stuff. The last line is hillarious.
The beginning was a bit slow for me. The first scene could be cut a bit. Not sure you need the scene with Dutches.
Nice work.

FROM OLD FRIENDS AND NEW

Code The CHASED MAN, ~30, in a ripped polo shirt and jeans, has a suitcase he's running with.

This made me snigger. As a kid, I used to love Terry Pratchett... and this reminds me of the suitcase with legs from the Color of Magic that belonged to a character called Twoflower but ended up liking a character called Rincewind better.

Very passively written. It drags out the image you're presenting. So rather than punching those images into the brain, you're drawing them out which makes for a boring read in a screenplay.

Writing: 1.4
Story: 0

I couldn't finish the story due to passive writing. Score is just my opinion, others may be able to look past that and see the story.

1.4

PARTIES BY LEO:

I chuckled just at the choice of Leonardo Da Vinci as a character in a comedy.

Code LEO Thank god for that, at least I've just created one awful dish, not ten.

Good.

Code LEO Not that one, the jobs one.

This is funny, but I think could be shorter by dropping the 'Not that one' part and allow comic timing to do the job.

Code DUKE GIOVANNI These are so great. We're only late now if it's cloudy.

Another chuckle. The other story was accidentally Pratchett, but this one is hitting his humour level to a certain degree.

Code LEO Given me a great idea for a new painting, religious themed.

Another chuckle.

Code LEO Probably less graceful, very much more splatty.

Drop 'very much more splatty' and again allow comic timing to pull off the line. Great stuff though.

Code LEO Still, gives me another great idea for a painting.

Excellent. A clear winner.

Writing: 5
Story: 5

Top marks.

Parties by Leo -- A pro job, inspired, funny without trying too hard. A-Plus.

Friends -- Well...Needs a bit of work.

I didn't care for either, honestly.  

Leo seemed like a skit more than a story.  You read the whole thing for a tiny payoff at the end.

The other one could have been good, but, as others have said, it had issues as well.

This is gonna be a hard choice for me...

Old & New - This one is going to be picked apart. The writer (hopefully thick-skinned) can learn a lot from what people are going to say.

Parties by Leo - I loved this! Very witty. Wasn't sure at the start whether I was going to like it but just went for the ride and loved it. Great one liners that nail Da'Vinci. Great work.

From Old Friends and New

Quoted Text EXT. ROAD – NIGHT Three POLICE OFFICERS in uniform, male, ~30-40 are running after someone on an empty road

A nit – but  “Road” is already in the heading. No need to repeat it.  Instead, give us a little more about it (e.g., asphalt, worn with potholes – or something like that.)

Quoted Text The CHASED MAN, ~30, in a ripped polo shirt and jeans, has a suitcase he's running with. The officers are approaching him.

A problem throughout the script  – passive writing. Instead, something like:

The CHASED MAN (30), ripped polo shirt,  holds a suitcase.

The Officers close the distance.

Several typos throughout.

Quoted Text A shocked Officer 3 approaches them as the smoke fades away and reaches for his speaking device.

Just ID him as Jenkins right here – no need for Officer 3.

How does Jenkins recognize the Chased Man? He wasn’t at the original scene until he (MAN) was already gone.

As I go on – the writing is not optimal.  A lot of work needed.

AND – no one dies at the party. Doesn’t meet the parameter of the contest.

Parties by Leo

Quoted Text INT. LARGE DINNING ROOM - DAY SUPER: The Three Snails, Restaurant, Italy 1492

A nit – but a SUPER has to be SUPERIMPOSED over something. It needs to be after you open your scene.

Dining – not Dinning

Quoted Text LEONARDO DA VINCI, 40, sits at a coarse wooden table, in front of him are ten bowls, each with the same contents, anaemic pasta in little bow shapes.

This should be two separate sentences.

Though set in 1492 – the dialogue has a modern day ring too it. Humorous - but sounds a bit out of place.

Writer went for a unique setting and premise here – ambitious.

Congrats to both on getting something in -  But the vote is relatively easy for me here – Leo.

Parties By Leo - Clever story-telling and really well written. Some smart humour sprinkled throughout this piece. I enjoyed it.

From Old Friends and New - Would be nice to give the officer's names right from the start. You give it to them later, so why not start off with it? Watch your tenses. I feel like a few more practices with screenwriting can polish up your skills so that people don't rip into the writing style. It makes the reading easier for the reader so they can focus more on the story.

Unfortunately you're going up against a strong submission.

Had my notes for From Old Friends and New, but looks like everything's been said. One additional nit: One does not say "I repeat" and then say something different the second time.

Parties by Leo is chock full of over-the-top goofiness. Unfortunately the parameters telegraphed the ending, would have been even better if everyone rushes to save the two random kids in the parachutes while the twins manage to get themselves killed elsewhere.

Parties By Leo - competently written but no laugh out loud stuff here for me. More of a whacky sketch than anything with most of the comedy centering on the visual imagery. Good effort though.

Old Friends And New - not sure what is going on here. Seemed to take the long route to get to the birthday party criteria done.