Your celebration is a birthday party. The number you have drawn is 2. This is your body count (2 people must die). Non-genre specific. 8 pages max.

From Old Friends and New by 0 - Short, Drama - On the birthday of his daughter, a murderer of two must face his past.

Parties by Leo by xYz - Short, Comedy - The worlds most famous artist and inventor has one last job to do.

From Old Friends and New

Quoted Text Three POLICE OFFICERS in uniform, male, ~30-40 are running after someone on an empty road. The CHASED MAN, ~30, in a ripped polo shirt and jeans, has a suitcase he's running with. The officers are approaching him.

Lots of passive writing. "run after", "runs with a suitcase", "approach him". This will read a lot better if you change those 3 things. Also what's the deal with this "~" before the age?

Quoted Text our officers

This is a very, very odd way to write a script.

The dialogue needs work, it's quite unnatural.

Quoted Text This is officer Jenkins. Officers Scott and Irons

If these are the 3 officer's names, why not call them that from the start as opposed to officer1/2/3?

Quoted Text SUPER: "5 YEARS LATER." INT. CAR - DAY - MOVING Jenkins, now in civilian clothing and a bit older-looking, is driving around a suburban neighborhood.

The super is in the wrong scene. Where it sits at the moment it will look like the first scene is five years later. It needs to be after INT, CAR - DAY once you've set the scene.

PERSON ON PHONE needs to be a (V.O)

So, so much passive writing.

Saying an age of 30-40 really doesn't cut it, chose an age, 31 is a hell of a lot different to 39. Set the picture for us.

Quoted Text He looks at the man carefully. It's the Chased Man!

Way too coincidental.

I almost never do this but at page 4 I'm out. This really isn't working for me on any level.

Really interested to see who wrote this so I can know what script got them through round one. This seems to be of a completely different standard.

Sorry.

"Really interested to see who wrote this so I can know what script got them through round one. This seems to be of a completely different standard."

Woah, aren't you a tough reader, Warren.
(not saying I wrote this)

Parties by Leo


(O.C.) is more of a sitcom thing. Use (O.S.) not a massive issue, everyone will know what you mean. Other than that the writing is solid.

It's clever and has some mildly funny bits. It's a bit of a talking heads script for the first few pages but then descends in to the chaos that is the party.

Not bad, but not great either. Still a lot better than your competitor and will no doubt be enough to get you to the next round.

Quoted from khamanna "Really interested to see who wrote this so I can know what script got them through round one. This seems to be of a completely different standard." Woah, aren't you a tough reader, Warren. (not saying I wrote this)

Have you read it? Feel free to disagree. It's just my opinion. I also supplied justifications for most of my criticism.

I thought the first round scripts were of a very high standard for the most part.

FROM OLD FRIEND AND NEW
Cool title.
Kind of abrupt start to a story. Police chasing a guy. But you didn�t describe it enough. The guy should pant or do something else. Just describe it a bit.

A lot of passive writing - verbs with ing endings from the get-go. And lots of exclamation marks on the first page for my liking.

P2 �Just drive like you drive everywhere else� � I don�t �know what that means.
P2 � They smile a lot at each other. Just cut on a couple of smiles.

P3 �they exchange a beat�  - don�t like the phrase.

P4 is very rushed. Lots of typos, you�ll see them. But that�s ok.

I don�t get if Jenkins knows the girl and her mother or what.

P4 � A 5-year old wouldn�t understand the word �innocent�, I think and she laughs at it.  

P5 The Chased man killed two people and now ready to be handcuffed � doesn�t ring true.

I didn�t get it. Jenkins drives away? So he�s not going to arrest the man like ever? That doesn�t sound right.

And, the Chased Man should have a name, I think. Some description. And why did the chase him in the first place?

I guess I have too many questions for you. Sorry.


PARTIES BY LEO
I was thinking it's Leonardo DiCaprio before opening it.
Funny stuff. The last line is hillarious.
The beginning was a bit slow for me. The first scene could be cut a bit. Not sure you need the scene with Dutches.
Nice work.

FROM OLD FRIENDS AND NEW

Code The CHASED MAN, ~30, in a ripped polo shirt and jeans, has a suitcase he's running with.

This made me snigger. As a kid, I used to love Terry Pratchett... and this reminds me of the suitcase with legs from the Color of Magic that belonged to a character called Twoflower but ended up liking a character called Rincewind better.

Very passively written. It drags out the image you're presenting. So rather than punching those images into the brain, you're drawing them out which makes for a boring read in a screenplay.

Writing: 1.4
Story: 0

I couldn't finish the story due to passive writing. Score is just my opinion, others may be able to look past that and see the story.

1.4

PARTIES BY LEO:

I chuckled just at the choice of Leonardo Da Vinci as a character in a comedy.

Code LEO Thank god for that, at least I've just created one awful dish, not ten.

Good.

Code LEO Not that one, the jobs one.

This is funny, but I think could be shorter by dropping the 'Not that one' part and allow comic timing to do the job.

Code DUKE GIOVANNI These are so great. We're only late now if it's cloudy.

Another chuckle. The other story was accidentally Pratchett, but this one is hitting his humour level to a certain degree.

Code LEO Given me a great idea for a new painting, religious themed.

Another chuckle.

Code LEO Probably less graceful, very much more splatty.

Drop 'very much more splatty' and again allow comic timing to pull off the line. Great stuff though.

Code LEO Still, gives me another great idea for a painting.

Excellent. A clear winner.

Writing: 5
Story: 5

Top marks.

Parties by Leo -- A pro job, inspired, funny without trying too hard. A-Plus.

Friends -- Well...Needs a bit of work.

I didn't care for either, honestly.  

Leo seemed like a skit more than a story.  You read the whole thing for a tiny payoff at the end.

The other one could have been good, but, as others have said, it had issues as well.

This is gonna be a hard choice for me...

Old & New - This one is going to be picked apart. The writer (hopefully thick-skinned) can learn a lot from what people are going to say.

Parties by Leo - I loved this! Very witty. Wasn't sure at the start whether I was going to like it but just went for the ride and loved it. Great one liners that nail Da'Vinci. Great work.

From Old Friends and New

Quoted Text EXT. ROAD – NIGHT Three POLICE OFFICERS in uniform, male, ~30-40 are running after someone on an empty road

A nit – but  “Road” is already in the heading. No need to repeat it.  Instead, give us a little more about it (e.g., asphalt, worn with potholes – or something like that.)

Quoted Text The CHASED MAN, ~30, in a ripped polo shirt and jeans, has a suitcase he's running with. The officers are approaching him.

A problem throughout the script  – passive writing. Instead, something like:

The CHASED MAN (30), ripped polo shirt,  holds a suitcase.

The Officers close the distance.

Several typos throughout.

Quoted Text A shocked Officer 3 approaches them as the smoke fades away and reaches for his speaking device.

Just ID him as Jenkins right here – no need for Officer 3.

How does Jenkins recognize the Chased Man? He wasn’t at the original scene until he (MAN) was already gone.

As I go on – the writing is not optimal.  A lot of work needed.

AND – no one dies at the party. Doesn’t meet the parameter of the contest.

Parties by Leo

Quoted Text INT. LARGE DINNING ROOM - DAY SUPER: The Three Snails, Restaurant, Italy 1492

A nit – but a SUPER has to be SUPERIMPOSED over something. It needs to be after you open your scene.

Dining – not Dinning

Quoted Text LEONARDO DA VINCI, 40, sits at a coarse wooden table, in front of him are ten bowls, each with the same contents, anaemic pasta in little bow shapes.

This should be two separate sentences.

Though set in 1492 – the dialogue has a modern day ring too it. Humorous - but sounds a bit out of place.

Writer went for a unique setting and premise here – ambitious.

Congrats to both on getting something in -  But the vote is relatively easy for me here – Leo.

Parties By Leo - Clever story-telling and really well written. Some smart humour sprinkled throughout this piece. I enjoyed it.

From Old Friends and New - Would be nice to give the officer's names right from the start. You give it to them later, so why not start off with it? Watch your tenses. I feel like a few more practices with screenwriting can polish up your skills so that people don't rip into the writing style. It makes the reading easier for the reader so they can focus more on the story.

Unfortunately you're going up against a strong submission.

Had my notes for From Old Friends and New, but looks like everything's been said. One additional nit: One does not say "I repeat" and then say something different the second time.

Parties by Leo is chock full of over-the-top goofiness. Unfortunately the parameters telegraphed the ending, would have been even better if everyone rushes to save the two random kids in the parachutes while the twins manage to get themselves killed elsewhere.

Parties By Leo - competently written but no laugh out loud stuff here for me. More of a whacky sketch than anything with most of the comedy centering on the visual imagery. Good effort though.

Old Friends And New - not sure what is going on here. Seemed to take the long route to get to the birthday party criteria done.

Old Friends: This feels like a new writer's work. My advice is to start by learning the difference between passive and active writing, while also seeking out and studying high-quality scripts. Do those two things and you'll see your writing improve quickly. Don't get discouraged, and keep writing. It'll come.

Leo: Very well done. Enjoyed this script. The dialogue was very modern, but consistently so. I'm going to assume it was an intentional choice.

FROM OLD FRIENDS AND NEW

I started skimming on page 3 because the deaths did not occur AT the celebration, which was a requirement. If another 2 people died at the party, someone please let me know.

PARTIES BY LEO

If your commentary after reading this script wasn't just 3 words - those being *clap* * clap* *clap* - then I don't understand you.

This script makes me want to be a better writer. I thought about going comedic and historic, but couldn't think of anything to fit the parameters. This writer did.

If this writer doesn't win the entire thing, I will eat a very large-sized bug.

So don't disappoint me writer, since I don't know who you are yet.

Okay, a very large-sized metaphoric bug.

So I finished OLD FRIENDS AND NEW, there's definitely a story worth telling there, but it needs to be tighter. Meanders a bit, dialogue is weak in places.  And definitely ran into a buzz saw against the other script.  Good luck with this moving forward however as I said this script did not meet the parameters of the event so I couldn't vote for it.

From Old Friends and New -- A lot of the technical stuff has been picked through already. I'll just say don't get discouraged. I think there's a good story in here waiting to get out. You just gotta get a handle on the technical basics first.

Parties by Leo -- Had high hopes for this but it didn't quite live up to the hype for me. Maybe if there was actually something at stake... a last resort of must impress or become a pauper.

I'm probably being too critical for a short written under these conditions. It's a clever concept with some very clever lines. But the premise is genius inventor/artist reduced to entertaining children's parties. Seems like the most mileage you can get out of that is for no one to appreciate/understand the ridiculously complex things he makes.

Instead, you have him ambivalent about the entire endeavor with everyone loving all his inventions.

It's great for a three day script though. This is still one my favorites. I've read too many now and it's turned me into a curmudgeon.

Old Friends - Some errors on the first page in that the writing is repetitive in places. If a man takes an object from his pocket, that is shown to be a gun, then why not say he pulls out a gun? The officers are given no names but one calls himself officer Jenkins over the radio, so why not call him Officer Jenkins from the start?

The SUPER should be after the new slug, not before.

If i character is 30ish I just split the difference and write them as (35) years of age. 30-40 is unwieldy.

So Jenkins meets the Chased Man years later. Chased Man is mom's new bf? This the first time they met? Also, for a chase that happened 5 years ago in the dark, I don't know if they'd remember themselves like they do here. You'd need to give them a face to face moment during the chase to really set this up right and imply this is the first time Jenkins is meeting him. I saw you made him lost on the way, but it's not clear enough to show this is their potential first meeting. Nice idea though.

Chased Man really needs a name. Why not Chase? lol

Did they just stare each other done through the window?

And after all that, Jenkins lets him go?

Either a first time writer or a very first draft here. Lots of little mistakes and repetition in dialogue. "How did you know their names? They were in the news. How did you know them? I just told you, they were in the news" for example. A decent idea, these two men meeting up later at a bday party, But needs a lot more work to make it interesting. As is, this is boring sad to say. Also, as the deaths didn't happen at the bday party, kinda cheats the parameters of the challenge a bit.


Parties - Leonardo Da Vinci sounding like a gay contract killer at an Italian restaurant. Do I still need to read this?

Way lost here. Lots of talking, nothing really happens to the end.

Was ready to give my vote to this after reading Old Friends and not being super impressed with it, but I can't do that after reading it. A very strange take on Da Vinci that could have worked if it was developed better, maybe?

EDIT. Wow. People really loved Parties. Funny, as I didn't find it witty at all. The dialogue came off strange and in no way how I picture Leonardo Da Vinci speaking, even if he was a comedic character. Somebody said it might work as a skit. Possibly. But to each their own I guess.


  

Can, I didn't care for Leo either.  I don't feel so bad now

Dan

Read and voted. I think these two have had all the comments they need and I wouldn't be adding anything new.