Old Friends: This feels like a new writer's work. My advice is to start by learning the difference between passive and active writing, while also seeking out and studying high-quality scripts. Do those two things and you'll see your writing improve quickly. Don't get discouraged, and keep writing. It'll come.

Leo: Very well done. Enjoyed this script. The dialogue was very modern, but consistently so. I'm going to assume it was an intentional choice.

FROM OLD FRIENDS AND NEW

I started skimming on page 3 because the deaths did not occur AT the celebration, which was a requirement. If another 2 people died at the party, someone please let me know.

PARTIES BY LEO

If your commentary after reading this script wasn't just 3 words - those being *clap* * clap* *clap* - then I don't understand you.

This script makes me want to be a better writer. I thought about going comedic and historic, but couldn't think of anything to fit the parameters. This writer did.

If this writer doesn't win the entire thing, I will eat a very large-sized bug.

So don't disappoint me writer, since I don't know who you are yet.

Okay, a very large-sized metaphoric bug.

So I finished OLD FRIENDS AND NEW, there's definitely a story worth telling there, but it needs to be tighter. Meanders a bit, dialogue is weak in places.  And definitely ran into a buzz saw against the other script.  Good luck with this moving forward however as I said this script did not meet the parameters of the event so I couldn't vote for it.

From Old Friends and New -- A lot of the technical stuff has been picked through already. I'll just say don't get discouraged. I think there's a good story in here waiting to get out. You just gotta get a handle on the technical basics first.

Parties by Leo -- Had high hopes for this but it didn't quite live up to the hype for me. Maybe if there was actually something at stake... a last resort of must impress or become a pauper.

I'm probably being too critical for a short written under these conditions. It's a clever concept with some very clever lines. But the premise is genius inventor/artist reduced to entertaining children's parties. Seems like the most mileage you can get out of that is for no one to appreciate/understand the ridiculously complex things he makes.

Instead, you have him ambivalent about the entire endeavor with everyone loving all his inventions.

It's great for a three day script though. This is still one my favorites. I've read too many now and it's turned me into a curmudgeon.

Old Friends - Some errors on the first page in that the writing is repetitive in places. If a man takes an object from his pocket, that is shown to be a gun, then why not say he pulls out a gun? The officers are given no names but one calls himself officer Jenkins over the radio, so why not call him Officer Jenkins from the start?

The SUPER should be after the new slug, not before.

If i character is 30ish I just split the difference and write them as (35) years of age. 30-40 is unwieldy.

So Jenkins meets the Chased Man years later. Chased Man is mom's new bf? This the first time they met? Also, for a chase that happened 5 years ago in the dark, I don't know if they'd remember themselves like they do here. You'd need to give them a face to face moment during the chase to really set this up right and imply this is the first time Jenkins is meeting him. I saw you made him lost on the way, but it's not clear enough to show this is their potential first meeting. Nice idea though.

Chased Man really needs a name. Why not Chase? lol

Did they just stare each other done through the window?

And after all that, Jenkins lets him go?

Either a first time writer or a very first draft here. Lots of little mistakes and repetition in dialogue. "How did you know their names? They were in the news. How did you know them? I just told you, they were in the news" for example. A decent idea, these two men meeting up later at a bday party, But needs a lot more work to make it interesting. As is, this is boring sad to say. Also, as the deaths didn't happen at the bday party, kinda cheats the parameters of the challenge a bit.


Parties - Leonardo Da Vinci sounding like a gay contract killer at an Italian restaurant. Do I still need to read this?

Way lost here. Lots of talking, nothing really happens to the end.

Was ready to give my vote to this after reading Old Friends and not being super impressed with it, but I can't do that after reading it. A very strange take on Da Vinci that could have worked if it was developed better, maybe?

EDIT. Wow. People really loved Parties. Funny, as I didn't find it witty at all. The dialogue came off strange and in no way how I picture Leonardo Da Vinci speaking, even if he was a comedic character. Somebody said it might work as a skit. Possibly. But to each their own I guess.


  

Can, I didn't care for Leo either.  I don't feel so bad now

Dan

Read and voted. I think these two have had all the comments they need and I wouldn't be adding anything new.