Your celebration is a wedding. The number you have drawn is 2. This is your body count (2 people must die). Non-genre specific. 8 pages max.

Renewal by 0 - Short, Horror - After the apocalypse, some traditions never die.

Till Cake Do Us Part by Buddy Valastro - Short, Comedy - A jealous baker plots the ultimate revenge against his long lost love on her wedding day.

Renewal - Decent job, I found some of the writing to be a bit clunky in the action/descriptions parts. I simply do not buy this line at all: "Rest in peace, my beautiful parents.." I can't imagine anyone saying that. Maybe it's just me though.

If the priest is a zombie and has been since the outbreak (which seems to have been for awhile) why would he just be lying there? Wouldn't he be moving around? I can see this being extremely nitpicky and might not even be a problem for people. It just stood out to me. I do like the mix of horror/apocalypse and wedding. Hard act to pull off.

Till Cake Do Us Part - Some of the jokes fell flat for me. Story wise it was good. I don't get why she would ask Roy to do her cakes. Added insult to injury? Why do that to someone who will be giving you food to eat? She was just asking for it.

I liked the roymeo line and it was a poetic ending to that earlier set-up. Strong ending to my books.

Both were good, I give the slight edge to Till Cake Do Us Part.

I don't know which of these I dislike more. I'll have to vote later.

This is going to be a tough choice...

Renewal - When I saw zombie apocalypse, I groaned. Someone is going to call you out on this, so it might as well be me: Aren't zombies already dead? Not sure if anyone (two required) died in this. The dialog was very unnatural and awkward in places.

Cake - I wish Lupe was a guy. You'd have my vote for sure. As it is, I don't like anybody nor care for anyone in this story...maybe Lupe.

Not sure which way I'm voting on this one.

I agree with John.

Unless you have a unique take on zombies, they are pretty dead.

Again, for me, the parameters weren't met.  Zombies, by definition, aren't alive.  So, killing them doesn't count towards the requirement, at least IMO.

The other one was just so, I can't even think of a word.  Over.  It has caricatures instead of real people.  

This is a hard vote for me because I wasn't crazy about either offering.  

Dan

Renewal: Gonna have to disagree. Zombies are undead, right? As in, not dead. So, I think it fits the parameters. (I'm not a zombie guy, so I could be wrong.)

Anyway, I thought Renewal was very well written. Could it be a bit overwritten? Maybe. But, it worked for me. And, I really liked that the writer worked hard to give us a good twist on the challenge.

Was gonna knock 'em on the wedding parameter... but, they closed that loop with a street "wedding."

Till Cake: The comedy didn't land for me. (I respect the choice to take the chance on comedy.) I did like the ending. Nice little twist on what was lining up to be a straight-line plot.

Renewal

Too densely written at the start, needs the action blocks breaking up.

Think the genre is pretty much played out so this felt pretty old.

Till Cake do Us Part

Most of the comedy fell flat for me, but I don't do comedy really.

The Super threw me completely in the middle of what was going on, I'd move it to the start.

Till Cake Do Us Part

Quoted Text A small business, Roy is near collapse but determined to reach the top of his personal mountain.

Read this line three times – I’m lost.

Quoted Text ROY Say it again so Daddy will never forget. Will you love me forever?

She responds I do – I do – I do – awkward.  He’s asking "will you" and she’s answering I do. If you want her to say I do, change Roy’s line to something like Do you love me?

Quoted Text SUPER: "5 Years Later"

You’ve got this in an awkward spot at the end of the scene – move it up in the scene and when you intro Julia – I think you need a now 27.

Quoted Text KERRI I can’t tell you, how over the moon happy, Julia was when she texted me you’d be making her wedding cake.

A bit clumsy  - I would lose the texting part – just that Julia told her.

Quoted Text MATT Love me forever, babe? JULIA I do. You know that.

Again – I know that you are riffing the I do beat here – but the response makes zero grammatical sense. Would be I will.

Okay - so the basic premise is fine. A jilted lover going to kill the one that jilted him and in a nice twist, himself as well.

Two issues:

One - he agrees to bake the cake. Not likely. Would be better if he were forced to (i.e., he doesn't own the Bake shop - he works there and the owner forces him to thus ramping up his anger even more.

Two: I think you need to lose the comedy on this. It's a murder-suicide. The comedy bits while well written enough, derail the tone.

Renewal

Going to be tough. I hate – hate – hate zombie based stories. It is so tired……But that's not the writer's fault - it's mine. So moving on.

Well written for the most part. I would break up some of the action blocks - make them crisper.

This:

Quoted Text ALEX You’re only making things harder. Please...lets do what we have to do and leave. (beat) The shots will make them all aggressive. We don’t want to be trapped

Confused me – if the shots make them more aggressive she’ pointing a gun at them because…?

Quoted Text She slumps to her knees, sobbing. Creaking noises from the pews as the other zombies begin to stir. Alex lowers his shotgun, paces in frustration. Rachel looks up at him in anguish. His tight lips soften, he nods reluctantly

Other Zombies weren’t in the scene when it started.

Okay - done. A solid effort for the most part and poignant even if it's the dreaded walking dead.

Renewal

Quoted Text MEMORY Flickering, muted images like an old style home movie show a newly COUPLE emerging from the church. Family and friends line the steps, applauding, hugging, kissing...then it’s gone and she’s back to the present.

You need to show us you’ve come back to the present with another slug, even if it's just BACK TO SCENE.

Newly wed?

Lots of passive writing.

The dialogue is a little unnatural.

I think zombies are very much done to death at this point. This doesn’t really add anything new.

Oh except for Santa Clarita Diet, that’s awesone!

Till Cake Do Us Part

Quoted Text JULIA (22) takes the business end of her boyfriend, ROY (22) mounted behind her. A small business

You’ve almost lost me already with two lines. A few issues. By stating the size of his "business" you are giving us a visual, if this is on screen we are watching porn. If it’s not on screen what's the point of that line, what difference does it make to the script or the reader what size his business is?

Quoted Text reach the top of his personal mountain

Not visual or necessary in any way. I'm sorry, but I'm really losing interest fast.

I realise you are trying to be funny here but it doesn’t work for a script because none of this humour will be seen.

Quoted Text SUPER: "5 Years Later"

This super really confused me.

I can’t invest in this. It’s really not grabbing me, and I already know I'm going with the zombies.

A couple of different ones here. Zombies and cake!

Till Cake Do Us Part - I read this hurriedly yesterday and it didn’t grab me but took a closer look. It fulfils the criteria well and I love the comic boontye chat!  Roy is a bit of a flog but lovable too. The comedy wasn’t pure comedy but did the job. Always hard to mix funny stuff with the deaths but nice job.

Renewal - ambitious take on the zombie well worn trail. I get the feel the writer was going for. My missus is a Walking Dead nut so I showed it to her for her thoughts. She liked it but pointed out that zombies don’t ‘beckon’ lol.

Renewal
I enjoyed this. Especially the last line that makes me think they'll go kill his parents now.
Stuck to the criteria really well and killed two people.
"my beautiful parents" - sounds funny

Till Cake Do Us Part
This is not my type of comedy at all. I couldn't buy into his jealousy.
It started awkward with the over the top sex scene. And I couldn't understand that paragraph there.

"takes the business end of her boyfriend" - don't get what it means.
This is way too poetic for the scene "reach the top of his personal mountain" but fits since I know you want to show it's a comedy.

Some of the writing choices are not for me - like:
"sobs like a baby and is consoled like one"

"will you love me forever" reads strange. As if translated from another language (just me?).
"dressed in a stunning wedding gown" I think. not "stunningly dressed. Again, makes me think it's a translation.

People be hatin' on zombies so I wanted to give it to Renewal... but not sure I can. Dialogue needs some work. I'd very much consider cutting this line - "Rest in peace, my beautiful parents."

More importantly, why would they waste their time trekking to that place when they know the parents are dead? Not very good zombie survivalists. Rick Grimes would smack them upside the head. I guess I'm going with Till Cake.

Till Cake Do We Part
A SUPER announcing a time-jump usually appears after the first bit of action, but I sense that you want it to fade in later in the scene, which in itself is fine. Just remember Julia would be 27 at the wedding chapel. I suppose she can be under enough make-up to hide this fact, but the script needs to say that or put the SUPER up front.

The poetic nature of the action and dialogue has already been discussed, so I'll just say that Kerri is OTN, but then again she's drunk. "Mouths of drunks and babes" but remember that neither one speaks clearly.

Roy's a bit on-the-nose too in the flashback. I'd rather you contrived a way to include a picture of Roy and Julia with "Roymeo and Juliette" written on it, then all you need is "And NOW you come back into my life?"

Very little of the story takes place at the wedding, but the reception is part of the wedding celebration in my book. And two people die, so it meets the parameters.

Minor nit: Not sure an industrial cleanser would work that fast in that small a dose, especially after being cooked. Lye (drain cleaner) would, but that's more of a violent coughing up blood kind of death. The precise manner of death is not important to the story, so long as it's sudden.

Renewal
Heavy on the asides, and they're self-deprecating asides that say the setting is cliched... what you gonna do about it? Is awkward dialogue a reference to something in zombie lore? I don't follow the sub-genre.

Already been mentioned, but the flashback is formatted as a shot, but regardless needs a line closing the flashback or returning the shot to the present church.

Depending on your opinion on zombies, either three people died (priest, mom and dad) or zero did. All three zombies were dispatched with shots to the head, so there's no chance that only two of them stopped their shambling ways.

I like the writing, and the courage to risk a nerd-fight over whether zombies are alive or not, but it's hard to forgive mis-counting to two.

I think Till Cake was a good idea but I thought the execution of same a bit messy.

Renewal, though a bit densely written had me invested. Not perfect but I was along for the ride. Zombies just seem to keep going and going.

Writers,

Wow! this is a tough one. Damn.

RENEWAL

Original take on a wedding, even if they all say zombies are overplayed. Your five pages made the first two busy pages manageable, but there was no wasted writing. You set a pretty grim scene, and did well.

TILL CAKE DO US PART

Funny stuff! Kooky, silly - good comedy, good dialogue. It brought about a chuckle on a few occasions. good work.

Both scripts were a bit underdeveloped. Time constraints, I know.

Good job to both writers! Wish I could vote for both.

Renewal

I count 3 bodies dead. Nice and sweet, liked the self-reflecting zombie-woman, not lost on all areas so to say. Otherwise it was quite predictable and partly a slow read that could need some trimming despite it's already short execution, which I didn't mind btw. Many unneeded asides. Slow action writing. Overall an okay little scenario though.


Till Cake Do Us Part

There is a funny scenario within and some things already worked but why draw such a simple plot over the full 8 pages... I'm the less is more type, and feel that you could have worked with more precision and focus on the main conflict instead of using like a dozen characters and side plots that do not work live on screen, for me. Some funny moments in there that were just overshadowed by stuff that actually felt like dragging filler.

I choose the zombies, more to the point.

This is a toughie.

SPOILERS

Renewal

Do zombies actually have lives to take?  I thought by their nature the disease had killed the host and the person that once lived in that body has ceased to exist.

Till Cake Do Us Part

The other one had a confusion way about it.

You should have started off with noting a flashback and/or wrote the SUPER: "5 Years Later" at the start of the wedding scene.  When I read that I was expected to transport into the future/present, but nothing had changed from the previous lines to the next.

There were a couple of humorous moments.  And from a objective point of view, I think this was more on point, although the other one was written better, although a slow read.

Wow, really tough choice...

RENEWAL

I'm going to ask someone to shoot ME in the head if I have to read one more script about zombies, but that's my personal preference which I will try to put aside for the sake of the vote.

Yeah I thought I remembered the priest getting offed too so yeah, parameter breaker. And did we spend enough time at a celebration? Who knows any more, I'm getting tired of trying to follow whether these scripts followed the rules, so forgive me for the grumpy reviews here.

TIL CAKE DO US PART

We spend half the script away from the wedding where two people die. I was confused about the time job and about why the time jump. Characters I couldn't invest in.

Think I'm going with zombies just because the writer attempted a script with heart...

Renewal

You have to be careful when being descriptive not to use tells. A hellish urban landscape looks pretty descriptive but breaks down because hellish is a tell. What is a hellish urban landscape?

It�s the classic vision
of a zombie apocalypse


Is again another tell.

Some of your other descriptions are pretty good.

The carrion birds don�t even look up as a MALE
and FEMALE ZOMBIE stumble past. They seem middle-aged but
who really can tell?

I can forgive 'carrion birds' but the final sentence is really annoying. It's forced. Fake.

Overhead, a gap in the clouds appears; a ray of sunlight
somehow pierces the gloom and hits the open doors of the
church.

The above is good, only ruined by 'somehow'. I like how you visually direct the eye to the church. Very good. Just drop the 'somehow' shite.

The female zombie stops, wavers on her feet. The
male continues his eternal slog to nowhere.

The camera had moved to the sun, then to the church doors... these guys need a new action block.

You've had a go here, and I appreciate some of the visuals. However, the writing is off in a lot of places. story is a little weak too.

Score, 2.5

Till Cake...

Code Buck naked and bent over the bed, JULIA (22) takes the business end of her boyfriend, ROY (22) mounted behind her. A small business, Roy is near collapse but determined to reach the top of his personal mountain.

I have no idea what the second sentence means. Also being mounted just sounds wrong in this context. Is he on the mantlepiece or something?

Code ...her soon to be handsome husband.

Is he going for plastic surgery?

This one isn't for me.