Crime of Passion by Chris Lee (SwapJack) - Short - Volatile Matt Rogers suspects the worse when his trophy wife-to-be comes home late from work and smells of alcohol. WARNING: Not for the faint of heart. 12 pages - pdf, format

I have found a number of problems. Your formatting is very off. You don't just do this...

They go down the hall

BEDROOM...

It should be...

They go down the hall

INT. BEDROOM

You have a lot of spelling errors too, and your grammar is messy here and there. You didn't revise... How many times does someone have to say it? You must revise your script. Not post it right when it's finished!!!

Grrr....

It's a good... Okay, it isn't a very good script. I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but you clearly didn't revise or re-read this, because if you would have then you would spot the errors that are very clear.

Please re-write this!!!

2/5

This was pretty good.  Sad, but also shocking.

You have some minor spelling errors such as "tried" when it should be "tired" but aside from that this was pretty well written.  The dialogue between Matt and Sara was also very good.  Felt like it came straight out of an episode from Maury Povich.  Yeah okay, laugh at me.  I deserve it

The format actually wasn't wrong, but I'd go with different slug lines rather than moving them into different rooms the way you did it.  And get rid of those colons too.

So all in all this was a good little short, it got a "whoa" reaction out of me when Matt choked Sara at the end.  I actually did have one problem and that's when Matt resorts to cursing at Sara.  They're still in that puppy-dog stage and even though his suspisions were right, I just don't know if cursing was the right way to come out.  I dunno though, if it ever happens to me I'll let you know

Nice work!

haha thanks guys. i appreciate all kinds of feedback. of course everyone likes positive feedback, but the negative is the most helpful - as long as it is constructive.

i will revise it.

Sorry if I came across as harsh. I didn't think your script was bad, but I could tell that you hadn't revised it by the ocassional spelling error, and grammar here and there. That doesn't bug me as much.

I guess I should've reviewed your plot too. It was sad, but I predicted it would end that way. I was hoping there would be a twist that would excite me, but it never came. If you did revise this, and maybe changed somet things I would think this is a very good script.

Thick plot, so-so characters, and formatting is good for the most part. Nice job, but you must revise...

We have some unresolved issues with the opposite sex, do we?  The beautiful woman comes home to the slob, ignores him, lies to him, cheats on him, and then tries to dump him, so he kills her.  The end.
  There is no talk of motivation or context or complications or repercussions.  I don't see how this could be interpreted as anything but a thinly-veiled misogynistic rape/murder fantasy.
  Please, put a little thought into it before you let your "passions" out.

Quoted from bryan00009 We have some unresolved issues with the opposite sex, do we?  The beautiful woman comes home to the slob, ignores him, lies to him, cheats on him, and then tries to dump him, so he kills her.  The end.   There is no talk of motivation or context or complications or repercussions.  I don't see how this could be interpreted as anything but a thinly-veiled misogynistic rape/murder fantasy.   Please, put a little thought into it before you let your "passions" out.

i guess thats one way to look at it.

Hey SwapJack, just finished reading your short.

Technically, it's good. Dialogue sounded real. Descriptions were good. No unnecesary scenes. No plot holes. Format was good as well, but follow Greg's advice and loose those colons; they're not needed.

*SPOILERS*

But I think you should work a little bit more on the story, you know? It's too simple: Chick cheats on guy, so he kills her.

Just like James, I was expecting some kind of twist or surprise at the end, which didn't come (i.e. Matt finding some kind of evidence which could make him doubt if Sara's betrayal was real or only a delusion of his sick mind).

Try explore all the possible angles of this, maybe you could come up with a more surprising ending.

Hope this helps.

this was a little disturbing, but that's not really a bad thing, I think you ment for it to be.  This kinda reminded me of the first short film I did, where this kid comes home and finds his best friend nailing his girl, so he strangles his friend, then starts to kiss his girl and it turns into murder, it kinda threw me back...LOL.

I don't know what bryan00009 was talkin about, I didn't see this at all as a rape/murder fantasy, it was dark, and twisted, but I think it worked for the story.

I think it would work better if we kinda new more about matt and sara and what their relatioship was like before this fateful night, it might make it more intense, because right now we really don't know so it doesn't have that punch that it could have.  All in all it was a good little short, there are a few typo's, but I think those have been pointed out to you already.  Keep up the writing

its okay i knew some people were going to get after me for that love/kill scene at the end. i was a little worried about putting it in at first - but when i took that part out.. it just didnt end with the same "punch"

i should probably put in a little backstory, but in a short thats always challenging to do to make it feel like its not just being tacked on.

i'm glad the dialogue felt real. i was a little worried about that.

the story was inspired by the movie "Closer"

Like I said, the only problem with your script is some formatting issues which can be taken care of in a few seconds. I do suggest rewriting it once or twice so that it is 100% done.

Quoted from James Fields Like I said, the only problem with your script is some formatting issues which can be taken care of in a few seconds. I do suggest rewriting it once or twice so that it is 100% done.

its all good,  

I see some of your format and spelling errors have already been pointed out so I won't say anything. It wasn't bad enough to slow down the reading anyways so it didn't bother me. What bothered me was your story so let's talk about that instead.

SPOILERS:

You describe Matt wearing no shirt and a pair of well worn sweat pants, he's unshaven and a cigarette is dangling from his mouth. He's also sitting on a tattered couch. There's nothing wrong with this per se, however it suggests that he's a bit of a slob and is not raking in the money. Nothing wrong with that either until you introduce Sara. Sara is 6'1" and a drop dead gorgeous bombshell of a woman and apparently she has a good job as well. This is my biggest problem with your story. It does not seem realistic at all to me.

Why on earth would Sara be even remotely interested in this slob, looser? If she's as amazing as you describe her, there would be plenty of guys following her around waiting for their chance to make a move on her. They would probably be more charming and successful as well.

Later they fight and it turns into a rape/murder. Here's a problem with your descriptions of Matt and Sara again, the problem is Sara's size. You told us she's 6'1". That's big! Have you ever wrestled with a woman that size or carried a dead body that size?

Anyways, I guess the dialogue wasn't too bad, I just had a huge problem with the believability of Matt and Sara being a couple.
This is just an opinion from a woman who's 5'10"+ and can't be tackled unless I want to be.

Dude,

I liked the dialogue, leading up to the rape/murder, but I have no feeling either way as to who the the protagonist is.

This seems like it is a prologue, or opening to a grander story. I want to know why this happened and why it is important.

The scene was eerie and I sqiermed, which is a good thing but I want to know why I sqiuermed! Is there a pay-off?

Kotton

PS. maybe this is what you intended, to get us interested, then make us wait for the payoff, if so, good job.

I loved this. Very sweet. The dialogue seemed very real to me, which was a plus. I liked the simple idea: girl cheats on guy, guy knows she cheated, they have fight, guy kills girl. It's primal. Great stuff.