Crime of Passion by Chris Lee (SwapJack) - Short - Volatile Matt Rogers suspects the worse when his trophy wife-to-be comes home late from work and smells of alcohol. WARNING: Not for the faint of heart. 12 pages - pdf, format

I have found a number of problems. Your formatting is very off. You don't just do this...

They go down the hall

BEDROOM...

It should be...

They go down the hall

INT. BEDROOM

You have a lot of spelling errors too, and your grammar is messy here and there. You didn't revise... How many times does someone have to say it? You must revise your script. Not post it right when it's finished!!!

Grrr....

It's a good... Okay, it isn't a very good script. I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but you clearly didn't revise or re-read this, because if you would have then you would spot the errors that are very clear.

Please re-write this!!!

2/5

This was pretty good.  Sad, but also shocking.

You have some minor spelling errors such as "tried" when it should be "tired" but aside from that this was pretty well written.  The dialogue between Matt and Sara was also very good.  Felt like it came straight out of an episode from Maury Povich.  Yeah okay, laugh at me.  I deserve it

The format actually wasn't wrong, but I'd go with different slug lines rather than moving them into different rooms the way you did it.  And get rid of those colons too.

So all in all this was a good little short, it got a "whoa" reaction out of me when Matt choked Sara at the end.  I actually did have one problem and that's when Matt resorts to cursing at Sara.  They're still in that puppy-dog stage and even though his suspisions were right, I just don't know if cursing was the right way to come out.  I dunno though, if it ever happens to me I'll let you know

Nice work!

haha thanks guys. i appreciate all kinds of feedback. of course everyone likes positive feedback, but the negative is the most helpful - as long as it is constructive.

i will revise it.

Sorry if I came across as harsh. I didn't think your script was bad, but I could tell that you hadn't revised it by the ocassional spelling error, and grammar here and there. That doesn't bug me as much.

I guess I should've reviewed your plot too. It was sad, but I predicted it would end that way. I was hoping there would be a twist that would excite me, but it never came. If you did revise this, and maybe changed somet things I would think this is a very good script.

Thick plot, so-so characters, and formatting is good for the most part. Nice job, but you must revise...

We have some unresolved issues with the opposite sex, do we?  The beautiful woman comes home to the slob, ignores him, lies to him, cheats on him, and then tries to dump him, so he kills her.  The end.
  There is no talk of motivation or context or complications or repercussions.  I don't see how this could be interpreted as anything but a thinly-veiled misogynistic rape/murder fantasy.
  Please, put a little thought into it before you let your "passions" out.

Quoted from bryan00009 We have some unresolved issues with the opposite sex, do we?  The beautiful woman comes home to the slob, ignores him, lies to him, cheats on him, and then tries to dump him, so he kills her.  The end.   There is no talk of motivation or context or complications or repercussions.  I don't see how this could be interpreted as anything but a thinly-veiled misogynistic rape/murder fantasy.   Please, put a little thought into it before you let your "passions" out.

i guess thats one way to look at it.

Hey SwapJack, just finished reading your short.

Technically, it's good. Dialogue sounded real. Descriptions were good. No unnecesary scenes. No plot holes. Format was good as well, but follow Greg's advice and loose those colons; they're not needed.

*SPOILERS*

But I think you should work a little bit more on the story, you know? It's too simple: Chick cheats on guy, so he kills her.

Just like James, I was expecting some kind of twist or surprise at the end, which didn't come (i.e. Matt finding some kind of evidence which could make him doubt if Sara's betrayal was real or only a delusion of his sick mind).

Try explore all the possible angles of this, maybe you could come up with a more surprising ending.

Hope this helps.

this was a little disturbing, but that's not really a bad thing, I think you ment for it to be.  This kinda reminded me of the first short film I did, where this kid comes home and finds his best friend nailing his girl, so he strangles his friend, then starts to kiss his girl and it turns into murder, it kinda threw me back...LOL.

I don't know what bryan00009 was talkin about, I didn't see this at all as a rape/murder fantasy, it was dark, and twisted, but I think it worked for the story.

I think it would work better if we kinda new more about matt and sara and what their relatioship was like before this fateful night, it might make it more intense, because right now we really don't know so it doesn't have that punch that it could have.  All in all it was a good little short, there are a few typo's, but I think those have been pointed out to you already.  Keep up the writing

its okay i knew some people were going to get after me for that love/kill scene at the end. i was a little worried about putting it in at first - but when i took that part out.. it just didnt end with the same "punch"

i should probably put in a little backstory, but in a short thats always challenging to do to make it feel like its not just being tacked on.

i'm glad the dialogue felt real. i was a little worried about that.

the story was inspired by the movie "Closer"

Like I said, the only problem with your script is some formatting issues which can be taken care of in a few seconds. I do suggest rewriting it once or twice so that it is 100% done.

Quoted from James Fields Like I said, the only problem with your script is some formatting issues which can be taken care of in a few seconds. I do suggest rewriting it once or twice so that it is 100% done.

its all good,  

I see some of your format and spelling errors have already been pointed out so I won't say anything. It wasn't bad enough to slow down the reading anyways so it didn't bother me. What bothered me was your story so let's talk about that instead.

SPOILERS:

You describe Matt wearing no shirt and a pair of well worn sweat pants, he's unshaven and a cigarette is dangling from his mouth. He's also sitting on a tattered couch. There's nothing wrong with this per se, however it suggests that he's a bit of a slob and is not raking in the money. Nothing wrong with that either until you introduce Sara. Sara is 6'1" and a drop dead gorgeous bombshell of a woman and apparently she has a good job as well. This is my biggest problem with your story. It does not seem realistic at all to me.

Why on earth would Sara be even remotely interested in this slob, looser? If she's as amazing as you describe her, there would be plenty of guys following her around waiting for their chance to make a move on her. They would probably be more charming and successful as well.

Later they fight and it turns into a rape/murder. Here's a problem with your descriptions of Matt and Sara again, the problem is Sara's size. You told us she's 6'1". That's big! Have you ever wrestled with a woman that size or carried a dead body that size?

Anyways, I guess the dialogue wasn't too bad, I just had a huge problem with the believability of Matt and Sara being a couple.
This is just an opinion from a woman who's 5'10"+ and can't be tackled unless I want to be.

Dude,

I liked the dialogue, leading up to the rape/murder, but I have no feeling either way as to who the the protagonist is.

This seems like it is a prologue, or opening to a grander story. I want to know why this happened and why it is important.

The scene was eerie and I sqiermed, which is a good thing but I want to know why I sqiuermed! Is there a pay-off?

Kotton

PS. maybe this is what you intended, to get us interested, then make us wait for the payoff, if so, good job.

I loved this. Very sweet. The dialogue seemed very real to me, which was a plus. I liked the simple idea: girl cheats on guy, guy knows she cheated, they have fight, guy kills girl. It's primal. Great stuff.

thanks for the feedback guys - much appreciated.

“WARNING: Not for the faint of heart.” Your logline reads almost like a challenge. Of course, I had to check this out.

This was a very engaging read. Format seems to be in ship shape for the most part. I could tell almost instantly that the conversation between the two was going to lead to no good. The pacing made the story even more enticing. The conversation escalates slowly but steadily, each additional line seeming to up the ante. The ending was somewhat shocking as well. I didn’t expect Sara to own up to sleeping with Greg. The story then takes an even more bizarre turn when the two start kissing and going at each other but then back on track (but still shocking) when Matt kills Sara. Crime of passion, indeed. The ending feels somewhat overblown and anticlimactic however. I think it’d work better if the script ended with Matt giving Sara a final kiss and stuffing her in the trunk. Other than that, this was a pretty good read for me. Good job.

Quoted from James McClung The ending feels somewhat overblown and anticlimactic however. I think it’d work better if the script ended with Matt giving Sara a final kiss and stuffing her in the trunk. Other than that, this was a pretty good read for me. Good job.

thats funny. that's almost the exact original ending i had for the story. maybe ill go back and put that in

Not a bad little short. I've read the prior comments on this one to make sure I don't duplicate. I don't really have a problem with your single word headings because they kind of function as secondary headings. I think as a short, it works fine, not requiring much beyond the core story you have here with nothing much left out. Obviously your guy is a little (or rather, a lot) insecure about his relationship with this girl, and she's too permiscuous for her own good.

I will hand you that the end is a bit shocking. I figured he'd kill her. That was obvious, but I didn't see the bit leading up to the kill. Definitely a primal rage going on there.

I would say the script for a short is fine, and you just need to keep writing to continue to improve your skills.

thanks george.

this feedback has been awesome. overall i feel pretty good. these comments have inspired a few other ideas for shorts. hopefully it wont take me too long to pump them out.

i read your script and thought it was great..
hope to read sum more of your work soon

A twist is missing (ie. Matt comes back home and Sara's female coworker calls to tell Sara she forgot her files at the meeting after the party)

Anyway, you could have gone further into squalor. I have some slight idea, but I don't know if you still care.

Good dialogs, interesting plot, but IMHO, ending missed.

Michel

this is one effed up script. It's alot like my Planning to Kill, just more graphic. Your format was slightly off, but it's nothing you can't fix. I hope you are doing a re-write to work out some of the minor kinks. Good luck. 6 out of 10

i did a rewrite of this a while back..... i finally got around to submitting it...

didnt add anything to it... just cleaned up the format and fixed the errors

The rewrite is FINALLY available!

for those of you who read this before...nothing new was added... i just cleaned up some of the dialogue and format and fixed as many mistakes as i could find. it's also a PDF format now.

Quoted from tomson Later they fight and it turns into a rape/murder. Here's a problem with your descriptions of Matt and Sara again, the problem is Sara's size. You told us she's 6'1". That's big! Have you ever wrestled with a woman that size or carried a dead body that size?

I have.

Several times.

And I have the receipts to prove it.

Strong, fast dialogue is the strongsuit of this short.  The story, however, is pretty weak.  It all seemed to go well until Sara admits her affair.  Then it just goes to hell.  Everything was rushed.  It was as if you wanted to write an eleven page script and, when you got to ten pages, you realized you had to wrap everything up quickly.


Phil

Thanks for the read Phil. glad you felt the dialogue was strong..that's always been a troublespot for me.

as far as your criticism of it being rushed... it's pretty much on paper how i envisioned it in my head... not really sure where else i would go with it...maybe stretch it out a little more after the reveal? pace it better up to the kill?

something i noticed when i write these shorts is trying to figure out how to fit character backstory into it without disrupting the pace. i wrote out a short releationship history with these characters before i started the script - i could just never find a good way to slip it in there... without throwing it all off.  

i think i pulled it off with "Leech" my next short i'l be submit - probably after the OWC

This was a pretty good short i found it well paced and i thought the dialogue was very good and sounded natural which can be a very tough thing to pull off at times.

I do agree with the others who said it had a kinda weak ending i mean i didnt think it was bad but it just wasnt memorable at all, i think the suggestion of a twist like when he gets home a co-worker calls and verifys her initial story would have been a much better ending.

But overall a good script i just found it forgettable for some reason.

CONTAINS SPOILERS

This was a pretty interesting script, even though this isn't really anything new to me since I've had sex like this once before.

Luckily, that huge bitch didn't kill me when she threw me off the bridge.  BA RUM BUM BUM!

Anyway, I'll echo the previous comments and say that I think the dialogue was pretty well done.  Both characters had their own way of speaking, and you articulated the jealous boyfriend and the girl who's hiding something (possibly) quite well.

The ending is a little abrupt, but what can you do really?  Add in a scene with him driving to where he's going to dump the body?  Could be interesting, but probably a little unnecessary.

Anyway, nice work.

Hey SwapJack,

I tried to open the pdf file, but it says that the file is damaged.

Gabe

thanks again for the read guys...  i like the idea of the coworker calling to verify her original story at the end... but it makes her duplicit actions a little odd... i'd have to tweak things a little bit to pay it off.. but it might actually be worth it.


Mr Ripley... i just tried opening the script and it worked fine... humm...dunno. might be something on ur end??

Hey Swapjack,

SPOIERS!
I got to open the file. It prob was on my end... darn computers. To the story (this is not in chronological order):
I enjoyed the dialgoue.
I found the last part where he calls her a slut funny.  
I liked how you mixed the two - sex and death together. It reminds me of the 80's or 90'shorror movies like Jason and Micheal.
You have bedroom instead of hall on the second scene.
I think you should take off the warning in your logline since I easily assumed it was going to be Texas Massacre material.
I guess I'm into specific descriptions but I really didn't imagine well the guy choking the girl except when you mentioned she was turning red.
You role reveresed the guy and girl. Making the girl act more like a guy and the guy as a girl. I liked that as well.

All in all, good material. Hope to read more material from you.

Gabe

I also enjoyed it. You seemed very into the story as a writer. As a reader I could see it in my head, thats always a plus.

Check out "The Sling" Let me know what you think.

D.H.

Nothing like a little misogynistic fun on a Sunday night. I was also waiting for a twist at the end, but sadly it didn’t come. I really enjoyed the writing though, and it kept me reading right up to the end (when he spits over the cliff and says “slut”). So cold; nice (slightly demented) touch. I have a tendency to overwrite, and really admire your minimalist approach. I think it works really well for this type of story.