Armageddon Part I: Xavier by Joshua A.B. Hinke - Sci Fi - A half demon, half angel struggles for identity as the war between heaven and hell begins. 121 pages - pdf, format

Armageddon Part II: Mammon by Joshua A.B. Hinke - Sci Fi - A new power arises in the war between Heaven and Hell.  Satan's dark son, Mammon.  The second part in the Armageedon series featuring Xavier. 116 pages - pdf, format

I finished, and to say that this was a great script. I did notice some typos but you did good, I loved the sotry how it had vampires, elves, demons and angels. Your action sqequences were good too, also how you showd the futrastic New York city how drug deals and all the pimps were there. I want to read part 2 now. So keep up the good work and good luck.

I'm just finishing the outline hopefully will have part two done by the spring.

Can't wait for the second one, and welcome to simply scripts, I hope you enjoy it here, if you want you can read my Alien Vs predator script in the sci-fi section. Here's the link if you are interested.

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-Scifi/m-1150638815/

Elves, Angels and Demons. Oh my.  How can you pass up a read that has these three mythical creatures.

I'm glad I did start reading this script cause I am a huge fan of the Bible and can't get enough of reading stories based on characters, creatures, events or whatever from that Holy Book.

First up I just want to say that I'm not sure if any producer would want this script for fear that if they produce it they might risk getting sued and dragged to court by Wesly Snipes and charged with plagerizing the Blade concept. There si little diffrerence between your Xavier and the bad arse half vampire from the Blade series.

And speking of vampires. They have become so over used and trite and boring in movies and your script is no exception. Why did you even waste your time using them? You've got angels and demons to play around with. Why would you need a blood sucker pansy in your story?

What's the goes with the elves? I don't get it. they're elves but there is nothing that distinguishes them from a normal human other than their eyes glow golden.

What do the elves have to do with the fallen angels and war between heaven and hell or God and Jesus for that matter? You don't make it very clear. but then again I haven't finsished reading the script yet.

I have read about one legend that says that when the War and Heaven spilled out onto earth. the gate of Heaven and Hell where closed and the angels that where trapped here dimished in power and became fairies. I believe it was a Irish priest who started that legend but then again he was a drunk so take it or leave it. Still it is a super cool origin story for fairies don't you think?

But the point is I am trying to make is that the elves in your story have no reason to make them elves and they just might as well be human.

Anywho now that I got that out of the way I must say that so far I have read about 65 pages and I am really enjoying your script. It is a fun read and the plot is interesting and keeps me reading. the story unfolds quickly and keeps shifting direction which makes it exciting.

I Like the idea how God wants to enter mortal realm through portal and angels still fighting each other.

But the problem I have found with most fantasy scripts that are posted here and the same with yours to is you need to do more hard work crafting fresh ideas and characters and mosters rather then just cutting imaginative characters and creatures and ideas from other movies and pasting them into your script. It ruins what could have been a superb story.

Look at the angels for example. In the Bible they flap around on six wings communicate through some sort of dream vision and can emmit an intense buring light that blinds their enemies. how cool is that?

what is so special about the angels in your script?

I'll read the rest and post my review. look out for it.      

Okay I have finished reading the second half of this script and I am impressed. Very impressed.

First up I just want to comment on one of my earlier comments regarding Angels. I see you have really done your homework and your Angels are accurate to the Bible and are cool. Boy do I look like a fool. Should read whole script before comment.

The third party army is a shocker and a brillant idea. That was awesome.

What's the go with a desert dryad that turns into water? Strange.  

I liked the witch at the end and I hope she plays a bigger role in part 2.
the father/son relationship is nicely done and very dramatic. Adds a nice emotional tang to the story.

Zadkiel is not dead. He will do a Gandalf and return bigger and more grandiose. oldest trick in the book but a good one.

Over all this story does a perfect job of introducing characters and setting up story for the next part. I can't wait for part 2 and I am pleased to read in a post above that you are working on it.

The plot to this is sharp and perfectly executed. All the plot turning points are in the right place so the story keeps changing in a direction you didn't expect.

Just like the first episode of the Valantine Chronicles. You are another writer who demonstrates plenty of skill at weaving plots for a a large scale epic saga.

Oh yeah i just remembered there is one problem i could see with your formatting and that was in regard to the action during the . . . well . . . action scenes.

You have hoge black blocks of writing describing in every detail every kick, punch and stab.  it's not a good idea to have these big slabs of writing as the purpose of a script is to be a fast read.  i found them quite annoying and just slipped over them and moved on with the script.

The best trick to do is to remove all the detail of the fighting and just write they have a fight or something like that. I have seen this in other scripts and it is quite effective. After all everyone here who will read your script will have a basic imagination from watching to many movies so once you mention a fight takes place they can easily imagine all the thrusts and parries.

But if you really to have all the detail i suggest you just use the old SERIES OF SHOTS routine. it works for me.

Example would be:

SERIES OF SHOTS

- Lucifer kicks God in the face

- God is flung across heaven . . .

- Tumbles down Heaven's stairway.

- God claps his hands. SLAP!

- Lucifer and half of Heven real estate is blown to smitherins

END SERIES OF SHOTS

And that's how you do it- or I do it anyway. if anyone reads this post and feels there is a better way or I am using Series Of Shots inccorectly please post and let me know.

Hope to see a blood bath battle between God himself and the army of Luminar. that would be sweet

Still disliked the vampires in the first half. They where useless, dull and the Jar jar binks of your fantasy world and I hope you have dumped them in part 2.

how many parts will there be when the story is complete? Will it be a trilogy?  

I'm still nawing back and forth between how many chapters there will be.  It's hard because I have enough material for four movies.  There are still more twists and turns in the war that haven't been revealed.  The vampires came from just a devout love of vampires.  I wanted their to be subspecies of demons and angels which is where vampires and evles came into play.  I'm glad you really like it and I know about the action blocks.  I've rewritten the script and broke down the action blocks.

The problem with four movies is that it's a weird number.  Should I let that bother me?   There's gonna be a huge plot twist in the second to last film.  I won't elaborate more but be ready for it.  I'm glad you liked it and thanks for your critiques I'll look into getting rid of useless diversity.

Four chapters sounds good, and I would read them all, just to get the twist at the end, and don't let four scripts bother you, I'd read them all. Good luck with them

Dude, embrace the four. Four is good. it is called a Quadology.

To me the Quadology always made more sense then a trilogy. I started to question the whole trilogy concept when I started to realise that the first script I wrote was actually four acts not three. the script I am currently writing is a four act story.

So I come to the conclusion that if you can write four acts for one script why not just use the same plot structure and blow it up into a big four part saga.

In fact I have written notes and outlines for a Quadology fantasy epic that I hope to write a bit later on when I have gained more experience and knowledge at word craft.  So if you don't do it now I will only do it later.

Judging by your first script I really believe you have plenty of material for four scripts and the topic you have chosen to explore such as fallen angels and the book of Revelations is quite profound and complex and should give you plenty of material to twist and shape into whatrver story you weave.

So, yeah go for it with the number four and rise above the trilogy clique and revolutionize the epic saga formula.  

So i just finished the second part to what is going to be a four part series.  There was little bit of a mix up with the admin, but the script is correct.  The message board is just a continuation from the first script.  But, anyways I hope you all read the second part and tell me what you think.  I'm getting busy with some other projects right now, writing for a sitcom and working on a play but part three should come out sometime this summer.

hey Joshywa. started to read.

I am re reading episode one to re fresh my memory of the world and chanracters you have crafted before i dive into episode two.

I am half way through episode 2 and I am enjoying it. So far this script has a real “second” feel to it that I keep hearing about with a typical second act in a trilogy.

You know more of a up hill pace with a plot that is all about setting up, episode 3.

I liked very much how in episode 2 how you got stuck straight into the story where it left off  at the end of the last episode. That’s great.

************MAJOR SPOILER***************

So the lord of light and dark failed to enter the world because the portal was destroyed so Satan fights the war through his puppet son Mammon cause he has no access to the battlefield. That’s how I understand it.

And now you are spending a large portion of pages of your script introducing a whole new Villian. Hmm, okay.

This is not a criticism as I really am enjoying your story, so this is more of an observation. But from the 50 + pages I read so far, you have introduced 4 new characters. Plus killed off one from  episode one.

Why introduce a new villain when you could have used a villain you have already introduced in episode 1? Xavier’s father could be the dark lords assistant and you could focus on starting the war instead of introducing a new character and starting a new plot. Maybe if you cut back on the number of characters you could have fit all this into three scripts instead of four.

So far you have one script and a half building up to a war. But I assume by the end of the script 2 the war will have begun.  

Xavier’s character is a nasty piece of work. He is a hero with villain mentality. A very evil character with a soft spot for humans. Be interesting to see during the coarse of your story how far you will push him down the path of violence and aggression. Oh hell, I’d like to see him go way beyond the path of redemption to the point where he is so evil that when he confronts evil villain they sort of cancel each other out and are destroyed and humanity are saved by mistake. That would be very cool.

So the elves are half breed angels. I missed that the first read. Makes more sense and gives them more substance in your story.
Well I will keep reading but so far I just can’t fault any fault with it. But I am sure others will.  
    

I have finished episode 2.

So the question of will Xavier go feral and kill everything or will he control himself is good enough to keep waiting for more.

I really enjoyed this. The only problem I had with it was that there where way to many characters coming and going.  Kira and Kera where pointless, I didn’t see any need to add them to the story. You should have just used and expanded on the characters you introduced in the first episode with David as a add on.

While this story was just all set up for the next episode, it was a little confusing with who was who and what was going on. No clearly defined story with way to many characters.

But toward the end of the script you got everything into place and in the right position to clarify that the story will be a showdown between David and Mammon and their armies.

A perfect moment to leave the story hanging.

Can’t wait for episode 3 and I am hoping Xavier will go feral and have to be destroyed. That would be cool.  But I am predicting that Zadkiel will come at the last moment and put Xavier back on the right path.  

Plus you

All I'll say is that I'm throwing in a major twist halfway through the third script.  I'm glad you liked it.  I really wanted people to be able to connect to Xavier's past (and there's a lot of it) that's why I put in Kerak and Kira.  Also to show that there is the occasional lone vampire who doesn't fight for evil.  You're right this script was a platform for launching the third script which will be the climax you've wanted.  Thanks for the read and I'll look into cutting Kira or Kerak.  I have some writing projects that I have to get done for the stage, but I hope to pump out the third Xavier chapter late this summer.  Thanks again for the read.  I'll read Sneaky Snatcher soon.