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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short  ›  How You Play The Game Moderators: bert
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  Author    How You Play The Game  (currently 726 views)
SimplyScripts
Posted: April 3rd, 2008, 9:50pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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How You Play The Game by Timothy F. Betts (Souter Fell) - Short, Drama, Sports - A last-leg ballplayer struggles for his ticket to the show on the last day of the minor league season. 8 pages - pdf, format


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nick_horror
Posted: April 6th, 2008, 1:56am Report to Moderator
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First, I really loved this story.  I really think that this could be part of a bigger piece.  Are you working on one, because you really should.

There are only a few things that I would like to mention:

1) The names.  There are a few times where I think you used the wrong name (in bits of dialogue and a few actions lines.  And when he is on the phone: is his ex's name Michelle or Melissa?

2) The announcers.  At first, I thought this was George's last home game, but as I read the announcers talk, I think they were calling the game for the other team.  Yes?  A little more distinction would help.  Perhaps try a version where they are giving the play-by-play in Diggsville for the home team.  They can still feel bad for Cruz's injury, but they could cheer when Geroge crosses the plate first.  Kind of a dicotomy within a single scene.

Otherwise, good work.  




My short fiction can be seen at:
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Souter Fell
Posted: April 7th, 2008, 7:36am Report to Moderator
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Hey Nick,

Glad you dug it. Never really intended this to be much of a bigger piece. Just a one shot deal in anticipation of the baseball season.

Michelle/Melissa: How did I miss that?! Thanks.

Seems the announcers kinda got on everyones nerves. I'll have to distribute some of the needed exposition more evenly.

I purposely made it an away game to increase the empathy for George. Hostile crowd, bias announcers, hotshot pitchers. After all this adversity and George finally crosses the plate we all feel great for him, which makes us more uncertain of how we after we see the aftermath. I think a more sympathetic home game would take away more than it would add.

But I'm really glad you liked it. Thanks for the read.


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tonkatough
Posted: June 25th, 2008, 6:31pm Report to Moderator
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Uhg! Baseball. How I loathe baseball. But despite that your writting made me care what will become of poor has been George when he steps up to the plate for a bat.

I don't know much about the sport but this seemed to be a very straight forward story where guy go to bat, hit a ball has a run and game over. No twist, punchline payoff of any sort of gimmick that the existence of shorts seem to depend on.  


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Souter Fell
Posted: June 25th, 2008, 9:56pm Report to Moderator
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Hey tonka,

Thanks for the read. Sorry you didn't see some of the conflicts in there. The aging journey man on his way out vs hotshot kid. That every great triumph must have a equally crushing defeat and in the end does it matter

Maybe the setting threw you of or maybe it was just ineffective. I hope it's the former but accept if it's the latter.


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